My Eating Disorder: Progress and Hope, Part III of III

Continued from yesterday, Part III of III

However, I have made some good progress during the past couple of weeks. I am talking about my eating disorder with my therapist, psychiatrist and husband including the lying. I’m blogging about it. Thinking about the further health problems that this will add. I’m also feeling quite anxious and angry at myself for talking. (ambivalence sneaking in) I am also feeling happy and relieved that I said something. It is really self-destructive and takes a lot of energy to not talk about my eating disorder.

Now, I don’t feel like my eating disorder isn’t just mine which brings up a whole lot more feelings and again ambivalence rears its ugly head because I don’t feel in control taking about it when, in fact, I am in more control. My eating disorder doesn’t continue take over my life.

To add to those feelings, at the suggestion of my therapist, I now have to manage the feelings that I have about boxing up for donations all of my smallest sizes. The smallest sizes include for pants, skirts and jeans are 24-25 and double zero to zero; tops are xxs-xs; bras are 32A, undies are xs or 4. To give you some perspective I am 5’ 4” and was 97-110 pounds. I’m angry that I'm donating my clothes, I feel like I’m letting go, am out of control, am sad, am disappointed and probably others that I can’t identify yet.

There is also much ambivalence. I am donating a ton of clothing (300+ pieces) that are all in good shape and not out of date. Seeing the amount of clothing also made me realize that up until last year with my health problems that I wasn’t doing very well. I have spent on and off over twenty years with this consuming me as the smaller sizes have usually fit me during those years. I’ll write further about this in a later post.

I am really angry because my therapist told me that he was sure that they would never fit me again because he would hospitalize me first. More ambivalence and control issues here. I know that he is right, but I still think that I can get down to those sizes and be healthy.

I also fool myself and become angry at my therapist when he tells me that I am anorexic. I tell him that I don’t meet the DSM criteria. He says that my thinking, feelings and behavior are the same. And, sometimes I want to fight him about even having an eating disorder. I think that he is wrong and that I am okay. Again, denial and that I don’t want to accept this or let anyone in…again, I am only fooling myself.

Bottom line is that I am anorexic and am in trouble. Also, that I am being more honest and want help. I am also willing to change some behavior, but it certainly doesn’t mean I like it. And, ambivalence says, “now I want to push everyone away.” But, I really don’t want them to go…I do want help and encouragement to work this through and am afraid that I’ll be fat. I am anorexic and don’t have control…my eating disorder has control over me.

To be continued when progress and setbacks occur...