Past Journal Entry ~ July 9/10, 2005 Part I

Geoffrey,

Everything feels really crazy with the flashbacks. Sometimes, it is just the feelings and/or thoughts. Other times, it is reliving an actual event with all the feelings and thoughts. Or just generally feeling how I felt all the time just being at home. When I close my eyes, I feel like it just takes me back to a situation.

I'm really wanting to die and hurt myself. And, trying really hard to keep my promises. This is how I felt, so much of the time, so with the flashbacks it is making it so much more difficult.

I remember wanting to die, feeling so hopeless, being terrified of getting hit...never really thought, I was so scared. My stomach is hurting and I'm going numb. Same way as I felt then.

Hearing my step-father and mother fighting about finances and him finding a job. I was standing on a chair in my room dusting my bookcase and my mom came in and slapped me in the face, knocking me off the chair. Then, she just walked out of my room. No words, nothing else. I just got up, up righted the chair and continued dusting like nothing happened...didn't tear up, cry or say anything.

Remember telling my mother when she and my step-father came home one night how much I enjoyed the Happy Days episode and that I even laughed out loud. She yelled at me and slapped me and told me that I shouldn't have made so much noise. After she was done yelling, I just got up and went to bed. Apparently, they were angry with each other, which I neglected to check out before I spoke with her. I guess, I was too excited to tell her about the show, I forgot to gauge things. I felt bad for getting excited.

I was so scared all the time and hated it when my step-father wasn't working and stayed with me during the summer. Usually, we would end up at his parents house. [At this point in time, I had no memories of the sexual abuse or the cult activity, so I didn't understand why my reactions was as intense as it was.] I used to feel sick to my stomach on the days he was home. Remember, wanting to die rather than getting out of bed and face the day with him and his parents. I just want to cry right now. I wanted him to work and for my mother to stay home. Even though, I was scared of her. I used to feel the same tension as it approached the time for her to return from work. Wasn't sure if she would be angry or not.

I'm feeling really suicidal right now and really wanting to hurt myself. I really, really, really want to bruise. [All of the incident written above occurred when I was in elementary school.]

When we moved out of the apartment, my mother's temper got worse as did the arguments and fights. Sometimes, she would slap me or slug me in the back for talking back, or for arguing with him. Or sometimes, if they were arguing even if I wasn't doing anything, in the same room or saying anything.

Entry...to be continued tomorrow

Observations: I am quite surprised at how this almost sounds like I could be writing it today. As I look in my journals, the hypervigilance, flashbacks, being on edge, being anxious, feeling hopeless, wanting to die and self-injury go on and on and on and on. It has been a constant battle in my head since January 2003. No wonder, I go through periods where I am just tired or want to cry. The sad part about it is that this is how I felt all the time growing up.

It is like I'm just trying to tell myself and when I feel heard enough by others and especially myself, I think, I'll feel better. This would be called integration which I am trying to do, but it is really painful.

During this phase in therapy, I think my defenses are up because I am beginning to remember how it really was growing up and that my mother had a lot more to do with abusing me then I want to know.

I just started to talk about her slapping me. She actually knocked the wind out of me. Also, with the Happy Days thing, I further withdrew into not telling her anything. I couldn't even share a happy experience with her and get an appropriate response consistently. It even happens now. The way my therapist puts it is that my mother usually either ignores me, aggresses against me or need me to be her ego. This is how she was with me growing up and how she is now.