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A key word that you will see:

Fragmentation: a mental process where a person becomes intensely emotionally focused on one aspect of themselves, such as “I am angry” or “no one loves me,” to the point where all thoughts, feelings and behavior demonstrate this emotional state, in which, the person does not or is unable to take into account the reality of their environment, others or themselves and their resources. This is a term that my therapist and I use and is on the continuum of dissociation.

Thursday, July 10, 2008

"I don't feel good!"

In therapy this week, it has been focused on my mother and her ambivalence about me. Also, her violence toward me and possibly wanting me to die. My therapist has been really good about taking things slowly and pacing it, so I don't end up Friday in a bad place. But since my session ended about 4 hours ago, I have no idea what I'm feeling and I hate this. It isn't like I'm not feeling anything. It seems like I have no words to explain it. All that comes to mind is, "I don't feel good," but there it ends. I am on the verge of tears, but they are stuck and my chest hurts. And, all I can say is "I don't feel good." Real specific, huh? My therapist told me to just let it be there and we will figure it out. He told me not to push it. I really appreciate him being there for me and pacing things right now. Ah, a feeling...appreciative. "I don't feel good!"


Mike Golch said...

My visit to my psych doctor was taken up with the poor treatment I recieve at the E/R staff st the hospital where she practices. She is really steamed that they( the E/R staff) treat the patients that are seeing a psych professional as something as the cat forgot to bury. I am filing a complaint with the hospital over this trearment that I recieved. I went to the E/R because I fell hard and hit my head twice in the same fall.

Clueless said...

Oh, my gosh, is your head okay...hmmm, that sounded a little strange, but you know what I mean. How did you fall and hit twice?

I'm sorry that your visit was taken up by this incident, but it sounded like it was good and your feeling were validated. I'm glad that you are filing a complaint...they need to know and you need to say if for yourself.

But, what about your head?

j said...

Sounds like you might be on the precipice of a larger feeling, or are afraid you are about to confront something else soon. Just letting it be sounds good to me. It will out when the time comes.

Catching up with your blog today in reverse order.

Clueless said...

I think your right either way. I know that this is the core issue, part of it.

Wow, reverse order! I know your brain can handle it. I've haven't really been able to read other blogs much, a little to heavy or being triggered like with yours...sorry.

j said...

No worries about checking in or not -- if it's triggering, you should avoid it, obviously.

I did notice in one of your earlier journal entries (a post ago), you had mentioned something about not being sure of how you felt (or something to that effect). It reminded me of what you are posting now

Anonymous said...

the reason I hit my head twice was that I hit the concrete bounced back up than landed back down again.Both tomes very hard. I still get headaches,On Saturtday it will be 2 weeks.

Anonymous said...

I know this feeling. There aren't any words, just this overwhelming sickness....like souring bones. I get this heavy feeling like I'm carrying 20 water buckets on my shoulders. I'm on the verge of tears and it would help if they would fall but they just don't. So I carry the water and just feel sick inside. I so know the feeling you're talking about.


Clueless said...

@Mike. Oh, I am so sorry. Tests were okay?

@Austin. Thank you.

Anonymous said...


Identifying our emotions can be tough! Especially if you're expected as a kid not to feel (express?) them!

Clueless said...

@Ash. Thank you. This has a lot to do with whatever chronological age I was regarding whatever it is that I'm trying to deal with, so I know that it is young because that is what children say and about all they can say, in terms, of feeling.

Isaiah 49 :15 -16

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