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A key word that you will see:

Fragmentation: a mental process where a person becomes intensely emotionally focused on one aspect of themselves, such as “I am angry” or “no one loves me,” to the point where all thoughts, feelings and behavior demonstrate this emotional state, in which, the person does not or is unable to take into account the reality of their environment, others or themselves and their resources. This is a term that my therapist and I use and is on the continuum of dissociation.

Thursday, January 28, 2010

Drama and Depression

(Tomorrow, I've written about this week's Monday and Tuesday.  However, last night which was Wednesday, my husband and I recieved a call telling us that Grandma only has 25% of her lungs working and was given one day to six months.  We don't yet know anymore detail even what is diagnosed with, but I'll update as I know. Please pray for my Grandma, family and I.)

Okay, I am going to try to remember what my husband told me about his two hour conversation with Judy and Arleen.  I'm glad that he took some notes.  I was a good thing that I was asleep and didn't know about it especially since Judy reportedly did not want me in on the conversation. 

Apparently, earlier in the day Adrian had emailed Judy letting her know that he has some information that might help her to understand me better.  She was mostly responding to my second message to Arleen.

Adrian indicated that the tone of both of their voices were that they were venting.  He could tell they said what they wanted to say and that I was all bad to them. Judy did most of the talking and Arleen wasn't even listening.  It was only when Adrian wanted to explain some things that Judy got on the telephone.

Back to what Judy told Adrian.  She stated that I was rude, disrespectful, cruel, egocentric, never apologizes, never listens and everything has to be about me.  She started to explain how my Grandpa's funeral became all about me and that I made Grandma being in the nursing home about me and that God forbid that when she passes that I will make that all about me too.  (That is absolutely not true verified by others)  Judy also stated that she is closer to Grandma then anyone else in the family.  (Bullshit...I was extremely hurt that Arleen did not counter anything Judy said).

Judy stated that she knows more about nursing homes as she has had to work with staff directly and wasn't in and out, but stayed for full days sometimes, so knows better about nursing homes. But, she listened to me as I went on and on with about a 50 point sheet sheet of what to look for in a SNF. Judy stated that we know better that her and that she just kept going on and on about stuff we already knew.  (She was referring to my addressing my uncle as he had expressed a lack of knowledge about SNFs.  While going through the list she would state oh that was something I didn't think of and at the end I asked if she had anything to add.  She indicated that she was appreciative and that my experience was different in working with SNF and was valuable.  She managed to exclude me from a meeting for my Grandma)

Judy stated that she listened for hours about my problems, but I never listen to her. (In actuality she talks about 75% of the time, and I often am not able to talk about the reason that I called her.)  She stated that I never support her. (Previously...She has told me that I can ground her like Arleen can, that I am a good listener and someone that she can talk to that will listen. I also called her four times during Arleen's surgery to provide support.) 

It was asked if Gary was a good therapist because after so many years, I should behave better and have more awareness and take responsibility for my cruelty.  Arleen indicated that the whole family can be cruel.

Adrian shared quite extensively about what he talks about in therapy and that night for the first time I shared with him about my session and the "bad" things.  (I really felt betrayed for awhile, but quickly go over it once he apologized.  I knew that he was only trying to help, but that he wasn't heard.  They heard only what they wanted to hear.)

Unfortunately, Adrian told them many things including that I choose to fragment, him kicking in the door because he was so angry at him, saying cruel things and pushing him away.  He indicated that after he thought about the conversation that his indicating that he was listening made it sound like he was agreeing with everything Judy was saying.  He did say that I don't fragment all the time and that I am getting progressively better and that I do take responsibility when I am not fragmenting.

Adrian stated to me that he shouldn’t have offered to help. They didn’t understand that what he was saying was to help them understand. They didn’t get it and I made it worse, gave them more fuel, they only heard what they wanted to. (I felt so badly for him.)

Judy and Arleen both ended the conversation with feeling sorry for Adrian for putting up with me and surprised that he has stayed with me and hasn't left or divorced me. Also, that Adrian’s emails and telephone calls are under duress due to my pressuring him.  They told him that they understand how I am and that he can call them anytime and that for now, they need to protect themselves, so they will have no contact for now.

I really can't say anymore or my observations other than the one's that I indicated in the last two posts.  However, I am very depressed, the suicidal thoughts are loud and the self-injury thoughts are really intense.  But, I am safe!!!  So, much for 2010 being boring so far.  Sigh.


Mike Golch said...

the wanting to hurt your self concerns me.Stay safe my friend.

Isaiah 49 :15 -16

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