Hospitalization Necessary ~ My Fine Line!

Thank you Chato for the appropriate cartoon last week although I know that I still would be sane if I went into the hospital...as much as anyone else. LOL!!! If you want to see more great cartoons please go to his website, Mental Health Humor. It will be well worth the trip.

Friday (1.16.09) Therapy ~ Freely discussed my increased depression, suicidal thoughts and self-injury. I self-injured everyday last week, Monday through Friday. But, I have stopped for now. It started when we talked about my self-hatred.

Depression wise I'm labile, tearful (which I've never been before), fatigued, sleeping too much and too little, anhedonia, everything takes so much effort, decreased appetite without weight loss, and decreased hygiene (I haven't shampooed my hair in two or three days and on days I don't need to be anywhere I don't shower, change out of my pajamas, brush my teeth).

Geoffrey asked if it was bad enough to require hospitalization. I said that I am walking a thin line, but I think that I am okay for now. When it comes to hospitalization now, he lets me decide after we talk about it based on that I've told him when I have needed it in the past. I really am on that edge. Objectively, if I heard what I said, I would have hospitalized myself, but I really don't think it is necessary now.

Geoffrey, gave me a plan and three things that I needed to do this weekend which I am not going to share. I'm scared and know that it is a tight rope.

Saturday (1.17.09) ~ 4pm sitting in my pajamas, not having washed my hair yet, not brushed my teeth and have no intention of changing any of that. Strange my hair isn't bothering me.

Feeling really, really depressed. I'm tearful. I also keep going back and forth in my head regarding hospitalization. Called the hospital for information. Confirmed private room available (can't sleep with someone in the room...heck, just can't sleep), Geoffrey can see me, can have the same psychiatrist as last time I was there in 2006. Rambled and realized that hospitalization probably is necessary.

Left second message for Geoffrey. First, was an update. This one was to ask him to call me as I want to be admitted on Monday. Spoke with my husband who wasn't surprised and extremely supportive and told me not to worry about the money...but, I am as there is going to be considerable out of pocket expenses. He told me that my getting better is the most important thing.

Going back and forth whether it is necessary or not. Began preparing clothing. I already have my 2006 extremely detailed itemized list to use as a guide. Too late in the evening 10:30 pm. Geoffrey will call tomorrow. But, do I need to talk to him?

Sunday (1.18.09) ~ 2:00 am and I'm wide awake. Anxious about talking with Geoffrey and about maybe going to the hospital. Start doing laundry and stuff on the computer. Take PRN...doesn't make me sleepy, but not as anxious.

Spoke with my therapist and I am going to the hospital tomorrow (Monday) after my 9 am appointment with my therapist and should be admitted. I'll let you know when I am discharged.

Monday Morning (1.19.09) ~ Again, I feel God's guiding hand and comfort in my heart. This doesn't mean that I'm not anxious...just that both feelings coexist. Please pray or send good thoughts as this will be a burden financially and my husband is having a tough time with it. Umm...so will I. He was sobbing in my arms last night regarding the stress and missing me. Oh, I was crying too.

In God's healing hands,

CC

P.S. ~ thank you so much for the outpouring of support. If you leave a comment and don't see it, I have moderation left on. Unfortunately, it is necessary for the trolls. (thanks, Svasti)

Depressed by ClinicallyClueless

"Indescribable" ~ Chris Tomlin ~ Worship in Song!!

Just Silly Fun!!!

A hymn, fingerpainting, blogging, journaling, plans & laughter!!

Well, this is a MEME, that I couldn't pass up when I saw it on Change Therapy by Isabella Mori. It’s really simple – if you want to be interviewed by someone who’s participating, just let them know, and they’ll send you five questions. that’s what Isabella did and she was gave me some great questions. That really made me think. So here they are...

1. What’s your favourite hymn, and why?

I am not much into hymn's. I like contemporary Christian music better. But, if I have to pick a hymn it would be Amazing Grace I love the history and words of this hymn. My favorite contemporary Christian song would have to be Mourning into Dancing.

This song came out in the 1990's which was during my first 12 years of therapy. Even though it was such a joyous song all I could do was cry because it was just so painful to me.

After struggling in my healing via the church ministries and psychotherapy, one day this song began and I braced myself for painful tears, but instead of painful tears I cried tears of joy. What I felt like God had put into my heart was that He had already done that in some areas (turned my mourning into dancing) even if I didn't feel it and it was His promise to me that I would feel the joy the song speaks about. It is a reminder that I will one day sing this song again at my church with thankfulness. It gave me hope. (Sung by the Christian Gospel Temple from where I don't know I couldn't find any other credits.)

This song was inspired by "You have turned my mourning into joyful dancing. You have taken away my clothes of mourning and clothed me with joy, that I might sing praises to you and not be silent. O Lord my God, I will give you thanks forever." (Psalm 30:11-12, NLT)

Sorry for the long answer.

2. What do you like about finger painting?

Finger painting allows me to express what I cannot express verbally or in writing. It touches a very young place inside or a very primative place inside that I am not usually aware of, but is effecting me. Instead of self-injury, I can express myself in this manner. It has been extremely therapeutic for me and was a major turning point when I discovered it during one of my hospitalizations.

3. What’s the best thing you’re planning on making happen this year?

Making more progress in therapy and beginning to start doing some normal things again like baking, reading, cooking, etc... This is as I am able to do so. My therapist is having to structure this as I tend to take on too much and get overwhelmed or I choose something that isn't what I want, it is what I think I should do. He wants me to do something fun and realistic.

4. How can journaling and blogging help with mental health?

For me, I love to write and generally do so uncensored (as much as possible). Journaling is my tool for this and I tend to process as I write, so therapeutically it is helpful and allows me to share in therapy things that are really difficult. It is also another substitute for self-injury. Sometimes, it is helpful to just write it down so that I can say to myself, "I can put this aside until my next session."

Blogging has opened up a whole new experience for me in which I've been extremely surprised. It is a place where I can tell the truth and receive "group" support and feedback and support others. I can interact with many different types of people and am learning how to deal with situation in which I react. I have met so many wonderful people and it has opened up opportunities that I would have never dreamed. It has also helped my therapy progress significantly.

5. What makes you laugh?

I like witty, sarcastic humor. Also, humor that takes a look at everyday things in life and twists it ever so slightly like the Far Side. Snoopy almost always makes me smile or laugh as do dogs especially black labradors. My husband, my friend S, my therapist and musical comedies make me laugh.

Want to get in on the fun? you can be a part of it by following a few simple steps…

Leave a comment here on this post and ask me to interview you

I’ll respond within 10 days with 5 questions personalized to you

Answer the questions on your blog and link back to this post Oh and let me know when you post because I want to see the answers.

Invite others to participate by re-posting these steps

Once you’ve posted your interview, i’ll post a link to it here by creating a new post with everyone's questions.

Due to the place I am at, I am only going to accept the first five people who request to be interviewed, so leave me a comment.

I Hate Myself and Everything Day!!!

Geoffrey,

Today, I really hate being mentally ill. I’m fragmenting all over the place. I am extremely sensitive. My emotions feel like they are all over the place. I don’t feel grounded. I feel really disorganized. I had a meltdown last night over not being able to find shorts to wear to bed. Ones that fit or ones that I could find. The house is a mess and I hate my body and weight.

I feel like my mental illness has taken away my ability to work, have friends, finances, a clean house, an organized house, my energy, my body, my ability to sleep, intimacy with my husband, some of my independence, desire to cook and bake, concentration, ability to focus, some of my memory.

I hate being anxious all the time. I’m tired of feeling depressed. I’m tired of the suicidal thoughts and thoughts of self-injury. I feel like I’m tired of just being me! I can’t stand being hypervigilant. I hate being so sensitive to every word, intonation, action or everyone. Everything gets interpreted as I am bad. I feel so sensitive to everything right now.

I hate that I need therapy. I hate that I need medications. I just want a normal life again, as if I ever had one. I just feel so angry at me that I can’t change more quickly and I see the things that I do and feel and can’t seem to change some of it. I feel like I am really losing it because everything is bothering me.

I think, I just really need lots of hugs and comfort and reassurance that I am okay and that I am going to be okay. And, I’m supposed to be able to do that for myself. I can’t yet. I feel like and infant just screaming at the top of my lungs…I don’t like this. Someone make it better. But, I am not an infant and I have to make it better. Feeling really depressed and hopeless. And, ultimately, I am alone. Speaking existentially.

I’m having a I hate myself and everything tantrum. Sorry.

Past Journal Entry ~ December 22, 2005 ~ Feeling "Bad"

I was debating whether or not to share this entry, but reading it I realized that this is a good example of what fragmenting is. And, it also seems like many people feel like this in therapy, but are afraid or ashamed to talk about it. All of the journal entries that I copy onto this blog were read to Geoffrey which helped me to focus and moved therapy along. The best part is that when I write I don't censor, as much.

PAST JOURNAL ENTRY ~ December 22, 2005

Geoffrey,

Yesterday after session, I had a hard time being present and feeling "bad." The suicidal thoughts, flashbacks, violent images and wanting to bruise and cut were really strong.

I was feeling bad when the session began and really scared. I took everything you said and made me bad which just cause me to withdraw more. (fragmenting) It began when you were describing how I get others to empathize with me. I always feel bad because I think it is wrong and I can't seem to stop it. Yesterday, it really got to me. Everything you said from that point really went downhill.

(Okay, I am fragmenting because all I am focused on is that one aspect of being bad, so everything is going through that filter. I'm not taking into account reality or other indicators that show me otherwise. In addition, people with borderline personality disorders do not communicate directly. In order to express how they are feeling, they "get" the other person to feel the same way which is sometimes means getting my therapist to feel as bad or angry as I feel.)

I felt really disconnected from you and me and everyone else. And I kept thinking that you were angry with me and I really wanted to injure myself. (projection) I just felt really bad and that nothing mattered anymore and I made you not exist despite the things you wrote and the audio tape.

I bruised, but instead of feeling relief I felt worse and much more anxious and wanting to harm myself. Along with feeling even more "bad," I wanted to just curl up and die. (Self-injury is an addiction, but I didn't get the relief that I wanted which means that I had to make self-injury more severe like an addict who reaches a tolerance level. But, there is also another dynamic that is happening where I fulfill my view that I am "bad." There is a trigger, then I feel intensely and bad, to relieve the feelings I injure which proves that I am "bad." Same with an addiction cycle.)

I have all my medications as I haven't give them back to my husband. The ones I got from you and the refills I got Tuesday. I was also really wanting to purchase some razors and bruise because bruising myself the first time didn't have the same desired effect.

Feels like nothing matters and I just want to disappear. I cried a little after I bruised...don't really know why. But, now I'm afraid of your reaction and that I'm going to end up feeling worse which is one of the reasons I didn't ask you to call me. (projection)

I want to go away and die. I want to cancel today because I'm so anxious and afraid I'm going to feel worse at the end. (Fragmenting: I can't access and incorporate all the "good" sessions and interactions with Geoffrey)

I'm really wanting to purchase things to cut, bruise, burn and take the pills. I feel so bad, angry, scared, hurt and I just really want to numb out. I really want to injure myself. Seems like drawing blood would help relieve the tension. (By the way, feeling "bad," is not a feeling, it is a judgement against myself. I also am indirectly expressing a great deal of self-hatred.)

Some of that was going through my head yesterday. As well as, you hate me, think that I am a horrible person for the violent thoughts. I know their my projections, but yesterday in session they seemed so real and I just want to go away. Really want to go away today. I want to die. Just feels like nothing matters.

Observations: I pretty much wrote them as I went along. Please, remember that this is how I was feeling three years ago and not now!

Past Journal Entry ~ December 20, 2005 ~ Sharing

Since my last Past Journal Entry, in therapy, I had been talking about my step-father and what he did and how I felt. It was really intense, but I talked which leads to this entry.

PAST JOURNAL ENTRY ~ December 20, 2005

Geoffrey,

I've been wanting to write or paint, but too scared to do so. Actually, not feeling safe, not trusting myself. This last week or so has been so tough for me with the increased suicidal and violent thoughts and the increased desire to really injure myself and wanting to bruise and cut. (This is my response to having told the truth or just let myself be known; however, at the time, I did not have this connection)

Feels like my emotions are so up and down and all over the place and quite intense from wanting to hit, being really angry wanting to stab myself or put my fist through a window, wanting to just cry because it hurts so much. Being really anxious/panicked/terrified and feeling over-whelmed, confused and having flashbacks. (Anger toward my step-father and intense self-hatred.)

It felt good to talk yesterday. I felt so trapped with my step-father and was so scared. It felt good to finally have the thoughts and feelings of really wanting to kill him and hating him validated. Growing up felt like I didn't even have the permission to say I didn't like him. I really hated him and wanted him dead...wanted to kill him, stared feeling this way from a much younger age than I thought.

Last night, I asked my husband questions about how vans were in the past as I am remembering more details. He confirmed that my memory is correct. I remember feeling the floor pattern on my back despite the pads and sometime if I was positioned in a certain way it hurt.

Thought about that I wanted to stab my step-father repeatedly with the screwdriver in the back and that I wanted to pound on the window to get out. I wonder if that is why sometimes, for a longtime, I've had the urge of putting my fist threw a window or glass or just going through a sliding glass door.

Everything feels so jumbled up. Sometimes, I don't have any words to describe what it feels like inside. I guess that is where the painting can help. Sometimes, it feels like I just need to scream.

Sometimes, I think finally someone get how much I hated him and really did want to kill him. I really wanted to hurt him. Okay, so all the self-destructive stuff...have I turned some of that back on me?

Sometimes, I feel really bad for having the thoughts and feelings. And, sometimes, I know it is okay. I'm really thankful that I can talk about it with you. Never have with anyone before. So much, I've never shared with anyone. Most of the time it feels good just to get it out and other times, I feel really bad about it.

Observations: During this point in therapy, I was finally trusting myself and Geoffrey more as I was telling him things that I had never told anyone including myself. But the backlash is that I make myself "bad" which increased my self-destructive symptoms. I can also see now how much self-hatred is involved also. This was a very difficult phase in therapy.

PAST JOURNAL ENTRY ~ December 5, 2005 ~ Physical Abuse!

I'm kind of in a strange place with writing today (Sunday) for tomorrow's post. I have a lot of stuff going on in my head, lots going on in therapy, lots going on personally and then wanting to get back to writing excerpts from my journal.

I keep picking it up and realizing that I don't want to write what is in there because it makes things more real which is part of the purpose. I've been talking in more generalities in therapy which keeps me a little removed from the reality of how really bad it was, so I guess I'll start with my journal.

PAST JOURNAL ENTRY ~ December 5, 2005

Geoffrey,

I 'm really having a difficult time this morning with just being present and alternating from feeling agitated/overwhelmed to wanting to die/bruise/cut to having more flashbacks to tearing up to wanting to scream.

Remember arriving at my step-father's parents and beginning to exit the van and my step-father grabbing my shirt to pull me back and then my arm. He dragged me over the engine and pulled me into the section between the engine and the back seat.

I remember hearing him closing the door and hearing him lock it. I was really scared and felt so trapped. And, felt that dropping of my stomach. I remember him yelling at me to not be disrespectful and not to talk back. I remember thinking I didn't know what I did wrong, but I figured I shouldn't have said that I wanted to go to my grandparents instead of his parents.

Then, he slid into the back grabbed me, pulled my pants and underwear down and pushed my head into the engine cover and pulled me up higher. He kept yelling at me. I remember the feel of the pattern of the cover against my cheek.

Although I was faced in the opposite direction, I could hear him unbuckle and take his belt off. Remember hearing the belt go thru the air and hit the ceiling and then hit me. It really hurt. He kept hitting me and made the back of my legs and my lower back hurt too. The pain radiated.

Remember, he became angry that the ceiling interfered , so he shortened the length. Then, he was able to hit harder and faster. I wanted so much to cry and to scream because it hurt so much. I focused on the engine cover pattern, the latches and the warmth of the engine.

He was so angry. I was so scared. He was so out of control and angry and just kept hitting felt like it was never going to end because he was hitting so hard and so fast. I remember feeling like I was going to pass out because it hurt so much.

I was also really afraid that he would take me into the back and force himself on me. I remember the smell of the engine and the oil. He sometimes would lock up up in the back and he would force himself on me and it hurt so much I really wanted to cry and scream, but kept focusing on the black sealing around the doors and the handles. Wished I could just unlock the door grab the handles, open the door and run.

When he was hitting me, I kept thinking about trying to unlock the door and get away, but knew I couldn't be fast enough and when he caught me I'd be in more trouble and he'd be even angrier. I kept imagining that he was going to hit my head on the engine cover repeatedly until I died. Or that he would repeated hit my head on the window or try to put my head through the windshield.

I was so afraid that he was going to really hurt or kill me. I also, remember wanting to die when he hit me that time or when he would force himself on me. Feel so much like crying and screaming...I really wanted to then, but knew it would just make it worse. I was also afraid that he was going to tell my mother that I misbehaved that day which he did, so my mother began screaming at me when she came home, "that your are lucky to have someone to take care of you and should be thankful that he stays with you and you need to listen and behave with him."

Then, she slapped me really hard twice. I was so angry and hurt. The slap really hurt and it was already painful to sit. Then, she basically didn't talk to me for the rest of the evening, but when she tucked me into bed she warned me that I'd better behave with him tomorrow. Then, she made me kiss her which I really didn't want to do. I really wanted to push her away and scream and cry and was so glad the day was over.

Remember when Gene would force himself on me that I was so terrified. Just the look in his eyes. He looked so angry and it almost always hurt so much that I wanted to scream with each thrust. It was like all his anger was wrapped up in the push. I hurt so much. Felt like I was going to pass out from the pain sometimes. He was so rough.

Sometimes, I was also afraid that he was angry enough to choke me to death during those times. I felt like I was such a bad person that I needed to die or just wanted to get the pain to stop.

Remember being afraid of my mother when she was angry with me. Sometimes, in the car, I was afraid that she would push me out of the car while it was moving. I remember her threatening to throw me through the second story window. A part of me was really afraid she could get angry enough to do so.

Also, remember sometimes right before falling asleep being afraid that I would suffocate in my sleep. But, I knew she wouldn't do these. Actually, I really wasn't sure because sometimes, she could be so out of control and angry. She could really hurt me like with the ping-pong paddle, the yard stick, the slapping and slugging me.

Even, my father terrified me. The two times he threw me in the pool to make me learn how to swim, I thought that he was going to let me die. I didn't think it mattered. He could get so angry and his slapping me on the cheek or the mouth sometimes hurt more than my mothers. When, he spanked me with the belt it hurt just as much, but was shorter in duration.

Both left bruises and welts, but sometimes my step-father drew blood. It hurt so much to sit or go to the restroom. I don't think my mother knew. Actually, I'm not sure I wanted her to know because she would just become angrier with me.

I really was terrified and panicked all the time of getting hit or yelled at. Seems like everyone or someone was angry at most of the time just waiting to take it out on me.

Observations: This was really difficult to type. It was strange because I remembered it happening like a memory and remembered remembering it and all the feelings. I don't know if that makes any sense. But, it seems to have really made me, on a deeper level, realize how terrified and on edge I was all the time where ever I was. Geoffrey was right it was like being in the front lines of a war zone. This time, I also had a deeper sense of how young I was and how violent things were. Also, noticed that there was no way that I couldn't get the message that "I was bad." Not quite accepting, but getting there. I feel a little dizzy and buzzy, so I'll stop.