"Word of God Speak" ~ Worship in Song!!

All I can tell you is that when I was selecting a song for today, this one spoke to my heart and I found it comforting to think of resting in His Holiness without words, yet with Him knowing exactly what I am saying.

ABC's of Aging from Doc's Place

Okay, now I am stealing this whole piece from Doc's Place, which is a fantastic blog. He posted it on 8/10/08 and I thought it was hilarious. I think I'm getting older. The rest of this post is from him sort of. Well, you will understand what I mean.

I have no idea from where I copied the 25 Things You Should Have Learned by Middle Age, so if I have used anyone’s original material, please let me know and I will credit you as the source. The Aging ABCs came from the EONS newsletter and were submitted there by “Steve.”

25 Things You Should Have Learned by Middle Age

1. If you're too open-minded, your brains will fall out.

2. Don't worry about what people think; they don't do it very often.

3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

4. It ain't the jeans that make your butt look fat.

5. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.

9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.

10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of pay checks.

12. A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.

13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.

14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

15. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.

20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

23. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
25. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

The Aging ABC’s

A is for Apple, and B is for Boat,
That used to be right, but now it won't float!
Age before Beauty is what we once said,
But let's be a bit more realistic instead.
Now - -

A is for arthritis;

B is the bad back,

C is the chest pains, perhaps car-d-iac?

D is for dental decay and decline,

E is for eyesight, can't read that top line!

F is for fissures and fluid retention,

G is for gas which I'd rather not mention.

H is high blood pressure -- I'd rather it low;

I for incisions with scars you can show,

J is for joints, out of socket, won't mend,

K is for knees that crack when they bend.

L for libido, what happened to sex?

M is for memory, I forget what comes next!

N is neuralgia, in nerves way down low;

O is for osteo, the bones that don't grow!

P for prescriptions, I have quite a few, just give me a pill and
I'll be good as new!

Q is for queasy, is it fatal or flu?

R is for reflux, one meal turns to two.

S is for sleepless nights, counting my fears,

T is for Tinnitus; there's bells in my ears!

U is for urinary; big troubles with flow;

V is for vertigo, that's "dizzy," you know.

W is for worry, NOW what's going 'round?

X is for X-ray, and what might be found.

Y is another year I'm left here behind,

Z is for zest I still have -- in my mind.

I've survived all the symptoms, my body's deployed,
And I'm keeping six doctors fully employed

Respect thy elders, even when they drool on you.
From Steve in the EONS Squeaking By Retirement Group
Peace, Doc
“Rejoice, O young man, in thy youth …” – Ecclesiastes 11:9

I can't stop fragmenting!!! Today's therapy session.

Geoffrey,

Thank you for this week and especially for today’s session. I know that I’ve been really having a difficult time for the past 3-4 weeks. My fragmentation has been really bad and many times I can’t seem to get out of feeling like I’m bad which makes what everyone else says and does feel critical and rejecting. Most of the time, I know I’m fragmenting, but can’t seem to get out of it. Until today, I haven’t been able to tell you what has been going on in my head, so I’ve been feeling misunderstood and not heard. But, I haven’t been able to tell you anything.

The suicidal thoughts are loud and constant for this past week with, “I want to die.” I just feel so overwhelmed, confused, hopeless, misunderstood, unheard, bad, etc… I also know that this is part of my fragmenting. It felt good to talk about it and how difficult the fragmentation has been. When you brought up hospitalization, it felt good to discuss it even though I don’t want it. I have thought about it either because I’m just so tired of fighting, fragmenting and dealing with the suicidal thoughts. I am also glad that you trust me in making that decision with you.

Between talking about abandonment, the BPD series, the last Wordle about things my mother said and my working on another slide show and everything being so loud in my head. Until today, I just haven’t been able to find the words to get it out. I feel relieved today after talking. I’m tired of being depressed, dealing with all the thoughts and memories and I’m angry that I have to go through this. I’ve been gathering pictures for the slide show and it seems like it is going to be more graphic regarding the abuse and self-injury, so I’m not sure that I will share it in a post. Or maybe, it would be good for the comments. Whatever, I feel like I want to put it together. It is also some of what has been rattling in my head.

I know all the stuff I mentioned and the flashbacks have brought up all of the feelings that I really didn’t feel. I’m fragmenting because I am having difficulty separating then from now. I feel so tired. I am also really grateful for your being there for me and that I trust you enough to talk. Now, if I can stop fragmenting long enough to say something in session that would be good. Today felt good and shitty at the same time. But, mostly I feel relieved. I am also really grateful for the blog and the support I receive from the blog community. I’m just in a bad space right now, but today helped. “I want to die,” is still there, but not as loud.

Feeling overwhelmed ~ Gap in Time

I'm skipping over a huge period of journaling in 2005 which is most of the month of August 2005. Going over it was too overwhelming and had a lot to do with working, my relationship with Geoffrey and my continuing to self-injure. It was getting worse and I was feeling really disconnected and fragmenting a lot to the point where everything he was saying was "critical" to me. Some of it was, but most of it wasn't.

Geoffrey had become frustrated with my increasing frequency and intensity of bruising. Sometimes, it was everyday and several times during that day. It escalated to my hitting myself from my thighs to the top of my buttocks with a wooden spoon over 200 times at a time leaving welts and bruises. At times, it would also include taking a plastic hairbrush and removing the nubs and hitting myself at least until I was bleeding all over the area and then 100 time more once the bleeding started.

Right now, I am feeling so ashamed, embarrassed and in shock that I actually am going to post this. I actually feel kind of sick from anxiety of potential reactions. The only thing that I could tell you is that I wanted to numb out, I was feeling like I was bad, and like I needed to be punished partly for talking about the sexual abuse more. It was like I really wanted to injure myself to the point of thinking of breaking a bone.

Geoffrey says that my symptoms were/are severe which matches the abuse that I describe. It makes the puzzle pieces fall into place. This is hard for me to really take hold of and admit. Which is also where I am stuck in therapy right now. I don't want to admit how bad things were or how sick my mother is because then I have to deal with that reality of it was that bad.

I feel like every part of me wants to scream, "no, it was not that bad." I'm not really sure why. I think, part of it is because I don't want to feel the pain of how bad it was growing up. After this afternoon's session, I also think that I am angry that I have to learn how to comfort myself now because my mother never did that for me. I comforted her.

I just don't really understand there is so much in my head right now that I feel like I'm spinning and really need to talk with Geoffrey, but somehow I stop myself. Today, I heard what he was saying as I wasn't doing enough and I was purposefully resisting treatment. A part of me knows that wasn't what he was saying and the BPD part is in "I'm bad," so everything is getting filtered through that. I want to curl up and die. I think, I'll take a couple of my PRNs and take a nap.

PAST JOURNAL ENTRY: July 31, 2005 ~ 6:15 pm ~ Part II

Geoffrey,

Since Friday, I've also been having flashbacks of the things we've been talking about and other incidents. Keep having the feeling of being trapped, terrified and unable to move, speak or cry. Having difficulty with the idea that they were mean or sadistic, even though a par of me knows it is true. I feel a little sad and tearful right now.

Remembering John's hand over my mouth and just how scared I was of him because he was so big, felt like his hand could cover my whole face. I also keep feeling that the day program staff, holding me down by grabbing my arms and holding them above my head on the mat. I remember my skin sticking including my back side when he pushed. I keep rubbing my arms to try to make the feeling go away. I can feel him holding my shoulders into the mat while his friend hut me. Remembering being pinned to the ground in the park by him and pushing his legs into mine, so he could put his hands in my underwear.

Remember going away when Richard, co-worker in 1990, pinned me to the wall and becoming panicked when I was pinned to the couch, floor or wall during a date which was always the last date and I always cut and/or bruised afterwards.

Remember, my step-father holding me down when he touched me or had me touch him. I can feel him grab my right wrist and pull it toward him or push my head into his lap. When he would go inside or put his fingers there, I can feel him holding me down. But, after awhile just the look in his eyes had the same effect. Same look that his father could get, but mostly he pretended that nothing was going on and knew I wasn't going to make a sound or say anything. Even remembering how similar it felt (trapped, terrified and unable to move, speak or cry) when my mother would grab my arm to yell or hit me.

I didn't want to write about any of this stuff because I keep thing I'm making this up or that it is insignificant or that I've already said these things, but your message on my voice mail about the flashbacks helped.

This weekend, I keep feeling bad that I feel angry, scared and hurt that you left town. I'm not as angry as in the past and I think the check in calls and help. Not that I'm not angry, but it seems this time I feel more scared and hurt. Hurt because I feel abandoned. Really scared that you are not going to come back. Then, I feel bad. What you said on the tape and having you coffee mug helps. Also, feel bad that I'm excited that I'll see you tomorrow.

The suicidal thoughts, wanting to die, planning on purchases and wanting to cut and bruise have been really loud. However, tomorrow will be eight days without harming myself.

Observations: I still can't believe that I was working full time during all of these flashbacks. I still have them, but they are not as intense and they are more about feelings then sensations. Also, Geoffrey was only gone for the weekend and my borderline thinking always kicked in especially the fear of abandonment. It is better now, but still is a problem for me. Why in the world was I working...to prove to myself that I was okay...NOT!!

PAST JOURNAL ENTRY: July 31, 2005 ~ 6:15 pm ~ Part I

Geoffrey,

I've been thinking about what my husband told me about his conversation with my mother's husband. I am really reacting to it. Three things: (1) my mother getting angry, but not telling him for a few days and probably calling me then; (2) not being able to say anything negative when asked for his opinion; and (3) if he says anything to defend himself, when she is angry and yelling at him that it just makes her more angry and the situation worse...as he put it, "he goes to the bottom of the barrel."

Makes me tear up...really validated that things were really this way, but she has gotten a lot better, more mellow. Also, triggered memories of how she was with me, the arguments she had with my step-father or how she treats me now. Feeling sadness, fear and anger. Actually, more PRT (pain, rage, terror). Sometimes, I do these things and I feel bad about that.

My mother used to do all of the with my step-father all the time. Big difference is that he would argue too and it would escalate into their big arguments and fights. He basically needed to be right and so did she. He would say whatever he wanted and was on his mind. Sometimes, it seemed they would end up in an argument because they both needed to. Mom mother would do what her current husband said.

With me, I did more of what her husband does...I didn't say how I was feeling or what I was thinking and tried to calm her down if I said the wrong thing. Sometimes, it would be something seemingly neutral or insignificant that I would say in response or that I would initiate and she would blow up. Just as she does now with her husband. It didn't happen all the time which was worse to me as it was so unpredictable. I think I just stopped talking in these situations and didn't give my opinion. I also learned this in other situations. But, this happened frequently enough.

Thinking, she probably got angry with me because I wasn't available when she wanted to talk about being angry on vacation. Also, thinking that with the other two situations it is about mirroring. Like a child, she was wanting someone to mirror, or validate, that she was justified in being angry. She becomes angry if you don't mirror her thoughts and feelings.

I adjusted to her and really stopped giving my own thoughts or feelings. The being angry and not saying why was really bad when she did that to me. But, mostly she did this all the time with my step-father, but during those events the silent periods could last a week or more. But usually a few days, but she would verbally or physically lash our at me more frequently.

Makes me feel overwhelmed and panicky now thinking about it. I felt so trapped and like I needed to fix it which I sort of did my attending to her and trying to calm her down or keep her company often foregoing my own activities. Writing this makes me realize more that I really lost myself. Feel tearful. What her husband said really helped to validate my experience. I've been having flashbacks of being in those situations everywhere and especially on the holidays.

Observations: This really fits right in with the BPD series. I didn't time it, I just happened to be where I was in my past journals. I think it illustrates some of her BPD behavior. It makes me think and feel more of what was stirred up during it. I'm still trying to process and feeling emotional raw and vulnerable with the series. It really has taken a lot more out of me than expected. I guess, part of the problem is that I really do not want to believe that she was that sick and that growing up was that bad.

PAST JOURNAL ENTRY: July 29, 2005 ~ Evening

Geoffrey,

My husband was talking with my mother's husband the other day. They talked about his and my mother's vacation including her becoming angry with him. He reported that my mother got angry at him when he didn't say, "goodbye." before leaving to go shooting with the guys. But, she wouldn't tell him she was angry or why, but he knew she was angry. The next day, he did the same thing which, I'm thinking, she became angrier. She didn't tell him until after four days of being angry why she was.

I told my husband that I bet that was the day she called me on the second or third day she was angry, which she probably became angrier, because I wasn't immediately available. I called her back several times, but she never answered or called me back. She was probably angry with me.

Anyway, he went on to tell my husband that he has to be careful if she asks for his opinion as because if it doesn't match hers or is not positive, she may become angry and defensive. He also said something to the effect that if she is angry with him that it is better not to say anything or try to defend himself as she just becomes more angry and you get into more trouble.

When my husband told me, I began to cry a little because I know what he was talking about first hand and it was validating. Now, my mother's husband, her third, is a very intelligent man who can certainly defend himself, but doesn't, most of the time, to keep my mother calm. If she can do that with an adult man, I wonder what that was like for me? Also, my mother's husband usually does not talk much and definitely about things like this, so it must have really effected him.

Observations: My next journal entry goes into my reaction. But, after finishing the BPD series, this makes a lot more sense. Do you think my mother would have a problem if I gave her husband, "Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder" as a gift. LOL!!! I'm just kidding. Things are tenuous enough with my mother as it is. At least, I can joke about it. I do feel sorry for him, even though I know he can take care of himself.

"This Is Our God" ~ Chris Tomlin ~ Worship in Song

Beijing Summer Olympics 2008

I actually saw this on another blog and thought that it was well done and held my attention and interest, so I wanted to share it. It is about two American's who about a year ago when to see how things in China were shaping up. The two new structures to me are amazing. I'd love to see those in person and read more about it. I hope you enjoy this.