Past Journal Entry: July 21, 2005 ~ 6:30 PM & Gap in Time

Although my last journal entry was not that many days from this one's date, I wrote almost everyday. However, much of it was repetitive with the suicidal thoughts, and wanting to bruise. I somewhere along the way had taken some time off from work, but remained even more symptomatic. As a result, my medications were increased and the option of taking more time off was discussed. The whole Barbie incident really became intrusive and kept replaying in my head, visually and the worst part was the physical sensations. Also, I did go back to work, but had even a more difficult time in concentrating.

What I am writing today is an excerpt from that day's entry. I'm feeling a little buzzy today. I can't wait for this week to be over. It has been very hot. I'm glad for air conditioning [I have always been extremely sensitive to heat even now, I get over heated, to the point of fainting, in an air conditioned house if it is hot outside.] Remember going minature golfing and telling my mother that I wasn't feeling well and that everything was getting dark. She told me to stop playing around and didn't believe what I said...she will even refer to it now telling me that she thought I was just fooling around.

In actuality, I was reacting to the heat and was beginning to faint, so I went inside the air conditioned arcade and found a corner quickly and sat down until I felt better. I just told my mother, I was going to the restroom and rejoined them after. This began while I was in elementary school. Although others, in my family believed me and had experienced my fainting, my mother just told them that I was dramatic and looking for attention.

Feeling buzzy like my head doesn't want to take in what I wrote. Kind of feels that way about what we've been talking about for the past two weeks. Feels confusing and hard to grasp. My stomach hurts...both my stomach and chest have been hurting on/off all week.