Entry: May 25, 2005 - 6:30 pm

Geoffrey,

I'm feeling really depressed, hopeless and suicidal. I just want to disappear and withdraw from everyone and everything. Feels like as I've gone through each day that it has become more difficult to be present. I feel really withdrawn and protective. I keep thinking everyone is angry with me or tired of me. Feeling really bad. Everything feels so overwhelming and demanding. Feeling panicky. I feel like I just need to just go away. Everything feels so threatening. Feeling like crying too. I just feel so awful. Sometimes, I feel like it would be better of if I were dead. I want so much just to go away and die. Sometimes, I wonder if you really know how badly I feel and how everyday is such a struggle for me.

Note: Obviously, I was really depressed. Looking at it now, I realize that was a flashback because that was how I felt when I was young. Also, fragmenting, meaning here, that I was merging with feeling like a child and was unable to access the adult part of me that could comfort and deal with this as a professional, but not able to apply it to myself. My process is to feel this way until I feel heard and understood which means that I understand what I'm trying to say through all of this. That was to come later.

I also bring up crying which has always been difficult for me because the moment I feel any twinge of wanting to cry I make it a bad thing and shut everything down. My family has said that I was a quiet baby and did not cry much. Abuse was the reason that I stopped crying which I will explain later as I write more about what has happened to me.

Work was also beginning to be too much for me and I, "Mrs. Over-Functioning Stellar Employee" was beginning to be unable to keep up with the numerous case notes and reports. At this point, I am completely unable to go out to eat or shop because of my hypervigilance and anxiety level. Everything and everyone feels threatening. I am becoming extremely sensitive to everything people say to me. This means that I was fragmenting more and more and leaving more messages on Geoffrey's answering machine and we were having unscheduled telephone sessions on the weekends. I was not in a good place. But, as long as I could do my meetings and most of my documentation, I was fine!!

I was not about to tell Geoffrey about the severity of the suicidal thoughts...I knew where that would lead. I also felt that I was not going to act on my thoughts. It never occurred to me that it might be helpful to talk about them and let him make a clinical decision. I had it under control. However, I was never dishonest with him. Sometimes, I would unconsciously omit things though, but if he asked he received the truth.

Entry: May 20, 2005 - 11:00 am

Geoffrey,

I've been feeling a bit out of control with being overwhelmed, panicky, wanting to cut and wanting to kill myself. I get frustrated because I want to make it go away, but cannot seem to do so. I get scared that it is never going to stop. Partly, because it has been going on for so long. Even, not being able to sleep through the night and having nightmares. Last night, I dreamt that I was standing on the roof of a building getting ready to jump. Then, I woke up panicky. Then, I had a similar dream with being on the edge of a cliff, but at the end someone pushed me and I woke up panicky again.

Sometimes, especially during the past few weeks, the suicidal thoughts have been so loud that it begins to seem to make sense to follow through. And, I have thoughts about jumping which is new for this period, but in college taking pills and jumping were the most consistent things I thought about.

Taking today off was good as my feelings were overwhelming and my anxiety has been a bit lower. However, the suicidal thoughts are just as loud. I have also requested to take one or two days off for the next four months. You and Dr. Doobe helped put this in perspective and allowed me to make it okay to do so.

I know I keep saying this but, I really cannot remember a time other than the time between the first and second go around where I did not have suicidal thoughts or just wanted to disappear and die. Lately, the wanting to die sometimes is as loud and distressing as when I was in high school and college. Sometimes it gets so loud that all I can hear is that I want to kill myself.

Sometimes, I think that you do not take me seriously or that I say it too often. I guess, sometimes, too I'm afraid that you really do not believe me. I know that is what my Mother and James, step-father did, but sometimes it makes sense in my head and then the thoughts and urges get louder.

[Although I had a suicide attempt in high school and my friends talked to my Mother about being afraid that I was suicidal, she did not take it seriously and ignored it telling them that I've always been dramatic and that they don't need to worry. Also, it may sound like I'm hearing voices or having some type of delusion or hallucination, but I was not].

It feels good to be able to talk about it with you and to finally have someone to hear the thoughts, but then it turns into something bad or that you are angry or do not believe me or that I'm being dramatic.

Sometimes, I even feel afraid that you will yell at me or hit me. Sometimes, it feels like I want to say more as I do not always say everything that is going on in my head...I guess, I'm scared to say more. Sometimes, I feel like I cannot handle it and that I'm getting myself into trouble, but I'm scared to say anything to you. Then, I think I can handle this...I'm okay.

Sometimes, it also makes me sad that I have never really had anyone to talk to who can really listen to what goes on inside my head...often there is so much more than what I actually say. Also, makes me sad to realized how long this has been going on...I can remember having suicidal thoughts while at home or at my grandparent's home or in the car.

I have been feeling really awful and sometimes I just want to give up fighting to not act on the urges. Sometimes things get twisted enough where I start to believe that it will not matter to anyone or that others would be better off without me. The tape and what you wrote does help, but the fight in my head gets to be such a battle and sometimes I get really tired and hopeless. And sometimes, I just do not matter to myself. Sometimes, I just want to cry from this stress because it just feels so bad and I realize it has been this way for a long time...maybe, always.

[Geoffrey had been recording encouraging or positive thoughts on a recording device, so that I could hear his voice and replay it. Also, prior to this he had given me a list of similar things that he wrote for me.]

Entry: May 20, 2005 - 8:00 pm

Geoffrey,

I'm feeling really anxious and feel like crying. I'm having difficulty because I keep hearing my mother and James screaming at me and smelling the odors of the alcohol, cigarettes and the incense to cover up the smoke...even the smell of the exhaust from the car.

Having difficulty not seeing James' angry face and how terrified I was of him the whole time I lived with him. I keep seeing my mother coming at me to slap me. Feels like it is happening all over again. The tape and what you wrote is somewhat helpful, but I'm feeling a bit crazy. It was really bad.

Ah..Ha moment of the day!!!

I figured out something today that my shutting down on friday only had some to do with Mother's Day. The rest of it has to do with my starting this blog on Thursday. Like I wrote before, I put myself out there and got scared, so shut down. It is so hard to put myself out there and two to begin to integrate more of what I feel, think, have done, have felt and acknowledge the abuse that I survived!!!

Observation: Mother's Day

Well, it has only been five days including the weekend that I started this blog and I have twenty entries, more than half of which are not posted yet. Hmmm...makes me think. What am I defending against? I know that currently in therapy I am having a really difficult time emotionally, in that, I don't want to deal with what I'm talking about...more flashbacks and feelings of rage, pain (that doesn't even begin to describe it) and horror about what has happened to me.

Blogging, my way of running away from my feelings...not such a bad thing. Blogging also helps me not to deny what happened or how I felt and feel now. But, what I feel like most of it is...is that if I keep going at this pace it will be over soon, I get it over with. I don't have time to stop and really see what I wrote before, what happened to me and how compromised I was and am. I've always been able to fall back on over achieving. Or as Geoffrey puts it over-functioning.

Now, I don't even have that. I have my one day off from therapy today and had my annual physical scheduled, but I called and cancelled because I wanted to sleep. It is 7:30 pm and I am still in my pajamas, haven't showered, brushed my hair or teeth and have been sleeping most of the day. I am definitely not over-functioning. I have a pile of towels that need to be laundered...it has been there for a week. I have clothes everywhere dirty and clean in the bedroom on the floor and everywhere else with some of my dresser drawers open. Now, this may seem normal to some...no, I am usually quite compulsive. Everything has its place. Clothing is arranged by fabric, color, length, etc... But, it just overwhelms me. I asked my husband and he said that he would help.

Oh, I did forget to mention that I went to our family's Mother's day celebration and we were late because I kept sleeping. Slept for three and half hours afterward and slept all day the next day. I disconnected from myself meaning that I couldn't figure out how I felt or what I was thinking. Sort of like "zoning" only this is on the lower end of the continuum of disassociating. Daydreaming is maybe on the lowest end of it and multiple personalities would be on the other end. Fragmenting is sort of the same thing as disassociating. Multiples is the ultimate in fragmentation.

Oh, Mother's day, yesterday, I figured out that I did not want to go and was really disconnected since Friday. I have been feeling a bit of rage and have begun to realize that she was not really a mother to me and have been starting to ask, "where was she and how could she have allowed things to happen." I was more specific in my session, but you don't know about the details of my abuse yet, now do you? Wouldn't want to spoil my story, now? Sadly, it isn't just a story...it is the truth of my life. But, it will have a happy ending. Actually, it already does!! Have a great day!!! (I will now, stop blogging at break neck speed. Oh, I am also not bipolar, in case you were wondering.)

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DEPRESSION: Out of the Shadows . Video Preview PBS

DEPRESSION: Out of the Shadows is a 90-minute documentary about recognizing, treating, and researching depression. Find your local PBS station which will be airing it on Wednesday, May 21, 2008.

Please watch the preview by clicking on the purple link above.

From 2004 to 2005

Yes, I'm skipping over a year. Briefly, that year was filled with lots of family emergencies and continued intense, intrusive flashbacks, continued lack of sleep, continued therapy 4-5 days per week and more and more memories that I did not write down at the time, but I remember. Beginning to have difficulty focusing on work now as I am feeling overwhelmed, panicked and awful everyday. I did not have any other words to explain it. Oh and due to the nature of the sexual abuse my husband began sleeping in a different bedroom, so that I felt safer.

Entry: April 2004

Geoffrey,

I took my meds, but still can't seem to calm enough to sleep...to just not feeling well...a little buzzy, achy and my stomach hurts. I go from wanting to cut, burn or bruise to just wanting to disappear and die.

I've had many evenings of feeling like this and used to go to school without much sleep. Feeling bad...just want to take all my meds or hurt myself...make the feelings go away. I guess, I just feel really awful.

I'll just take my PRN's and hopefully be able to sleep. See you tomorrow.

Observations: My anxiety was partly a flashback to having grown up in this manner. My vagueness about feeling awful indicates that I did not have adequate language when my original trauma took place. My inability to step away from my feeling led me to that being the only thing that existed, so I fragmented and went to the wanting to die and hurt myself which helped me survive as a child, but now keeps me stuck.

Between the first and second go around

So, what happened after 1993 since I am not writing anymore about it. I continued to struggle and was in therapy 2-3 times per week. I began to get better enough not to require medications or psychotherapy until I started therapy again in December 2003. Oh, I got married to a very supportive, wonderful gentle man...totally against who I should have married given my circumstances. Started a great job as a social worker.

My grandfather died who was emotionally and financially my father. Did okay for two years, but looking back I slowly sank into another Major Depressive Episode, so went back to therapy. Both Geoffrey and I were older and wiser!! Shortly after, I started therapy again, the second go around, I began to have memories of how abusive my childhood had been including neglect, emotional, physical and severe sexual abuse. Hence, the diagnosis of Post-traumatic Stress Disorder. Oh, continued to work full time and participate in psychotherapy 5 days per week. Kept up with work and everything else except for the house, cooking, shopping, laundry, etc. Thank God for my understanding husband.

Note: Now, that I have been sharing my automatic response from childhood becomes activate. It becomes activated any time I assert myself by asking for something, doing something for me or telling the truth. So, now my suicidal thoughts have increased, as have the thoughts of wanting to hurt myself, feeling like I'm bad and increased depression. However, I now know that this is just a backlash...a flashback of sorts along with my neurological automatic responses that were formed when I was young and today it allows me to separate from sinking into my feeling and thought. Not that it is easy to deal with because it does not make them go away. I'm better able to handle it now. This happens even though I am anonymous. Funny and facinating how our brain remembers and keeps those pathways.