Well, it has only been five days including the weekend that I started this blog and I have twenty entries, more than half of which are not posted yet. Hmmm...makes me think. What am I defending against? I know that currently in therapy I am having a really difficult time emotionally, in that, I don't want to deal with what I'm talking about...more flashbacks and feelings of rage, pain (that doesn't even begin to describe it) and horror about what has happened to me.
Blogging, my way of running away from my feelings...not such a bad thing. Blogging also helps me not to deny what happened or how I felt and feel now. But, what I feel like most of it is...is that if I keep going at this pace it will be over soon, I get it over with. I don't have time to stop and really see what I wrote before, what happened to me and how compromised I was and am. I've always been able to fall back on over achieving. Or as Geoffrey puts it over-functioning.
Now, I don't even have that. I have my one day off from therapy today and had my annual physical scheduled, but I called and cancelled because I wanted to sleep. It is 7:30 pm and I am still in my pajamas, haven't showered, brushed my hair or teeth and have been sleeping most of the day. I am definitely not over-functioning. I have a pile of towels that need to be laundered...it has been there for a week. I have clothes everywhere dirty and clean in the bedroom on the floor and everywhere else with some of my dresser drawers open. Now, this may seem normal to some...no, I am usually quite compulsive. Everything has its place. Clothing is arranged by fabric, color, length, etc... But, it just overwhelms me. I asked my husband and he said that he would help.
Oh, I did forget to mention that I went to our family's Mother's day celebration and we were late because I kept sleeping. Slept for three and half hours afterward and slept all day the next day. I disconnected from myself meaning that I couldn't figure out how I felt or what I was thinking. Sort of like "zoning" only this is on the lower end of the continuum of disassociating. Daydreaming is maybe on the lowest end of it and multiple personalities would be on the other end. Fragmenting is sort of the same thing as disassociating. Multiples is the ultimate in fragmentation.
Oh, Mother's day, yesterday, I figured out that I did not want to go and was really disconnected since Friday. I have been feeling a bit of rage and have begun to realize that she was not really a mother to me and have been starting to ask, "where was she and how could she have allowed things to happen." I was more specific in my session, but you don't know about the details of my abuse yet, now do you? Wouldn't want to spoil my story, now? Sadly, it isn't just a story...it is the truth of my life. But, it will have a happy ending. Actually, it already does!! Have a great day!!! (I will now, stop blogging at break neck speed. Oh, I am also not bipolar, in case you were wondering.)
2 comments:
Without knowing a thing about your relationship with your mother or how you interact with her, maybe it would be good to distance yourself, to not acknowledge things like Mother's Day with a visit. That might encourage more openness -- without the need to tamp things down in order to interact civilly. Of course, it would also be a very public move.
I could be completely off base. There's nothing like advice from strangers ...
Without saying the details which you will eventually know if you follow my blog, it is strained. For the past couple of years now, I have been making decisions about which family things I feel I can attend and which I do not. I did not think about it being difficult this year. And really did not know that it effected me as much as it did until Monday when I in therapy I could not explain anything. I like it when strangers are off base, but you are not off base!!! Thank you for the advice. I went a complete year without any contact with my family...very freeing, now I feel I can make a decision.
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