Past Journal Entry ~ 2006 ~ Glass

Past Journal Entry ~ January 18, 2006 ~ 6:30 PM

Gary,

Felt like I was on the verge of crying in the morning and really wanting to hit and scream.  Feeling bad and wanting to cut, put my hand through a window and stab my leg. Wanting to die.

Then, sometime in the morning after, I got to work felt like I just shut down and had lots of difficulty being present.  Couldn't focus and really didn't get any work done.  On the drive here, felt achy and tearful.  Now, that I'm here I really feel like crying and screaming and hitting.  Really wanting to hit the window of my car until it breaks. [Still having flashbacks]

Remember wanting to hit the glass on the window pane at Grandma and Grandap's until my hand went through while watching my father drive away...really wanting to scream and cry.

Remember wanting to break all the windows of Gene's van with my fits just wanting out...to get away.  Wanting so much to scream and scream and cry...fight to get away, but I couldn't.

Rember wanting to hurt myself by putting my fist through my bedroom window at the duplex and house.  At work, I have two sets of windows in my cube that go from almost to the floor to almost the ceiling with many panes...I've often thought that I'd like to just put my hand through one. Remember, during my hospitalization and in college the weeklong and some of the training and supervisons wanting to just go through the sliding glass doors.

Remember, my mother's threats to throw me out or through the second story window.  Wonder if that is connected.  Also, remember during one of the fights that a piece of furniture got pushed into the family room window and cracked...it was never fixed until the house was sold.

I don't know what it is about glass, but making a fist in the drinking glass was how I really first discovered cutting.  Almost thirty years later, I still have a scar.  I used to fantasize about the glass cups by throwing or squeezing my fist in them unti the bork in my hand cutting myself.

When I started, I didn't know what I was going to write...surprised at what I wrote and feels like I jut rambled on...feeling like crying and just want to understand what it is about the glass.

[Two things really strike me in this entry.  One, it seems like I am really angry and have turned it against myself.  Two, that putting my hand through glass is like russian roullette.  I could have minor damage or I could have fatal damage. Speaks of my ambivalene toward myself and life.  Also, speaks of my self-hatred and inability to express my emotions directly instead I say what I want to do and the other person has to figure out how I feel.]

Past Journal Entry ~ January 18, 2006 ~ 6:30 PM

Past Journal Entry: 2006 ~ Feeling Bad

Past Journal Entry: January 17, 2006 ~ 6:45 PM

Another entry from my past journals.  I hope that you can see the differance and the progress that I've made from that time until now and understand some of my process.  Current commentary will be in purple. (I hope, if I remember! LOL) Oh, most of my journal are addressed to my therapist, Gary, and most were read to him or discussed.

Gary,

Seems like I've had a difficult time since the end of session.  Feeling bad about talking about showing Adrian the different homes that in the area that I lived in and where most of my sexual abuse too place, lots of flashbacks, and alse about crying. [Over the weekend, we were in the area, so I showed my husband where I used to live, my grandparents and Gene's (step-father parents...I think, this really triggered me, but I am feeling guilty because "I did that to myself" Of course, now I know that wasn't the case.] I'm wanting to cut, put my hand threw glass and stab my lef.  Wanting to die and being really fearful and going away.

Today, was tough and when I got to the office, Kristina [co-worker] immediately made me feel bad and then, I was angry. [I reacted and fragmenting into "I am bad."  She was also fragmenting. :-)] She asked it I was going to the Union rally and board meeting tonight. [executive director was refusing to negotiate current contract]  I told her "no" because I have a therapy appointment. She told me that my job is more important than my therapy session and that I could always have the session tomorrow.  I told her that I do support the union and do what I can...She said that I only support them in words and that wasn't enough...I walked away and got frustated because I really wanted to leave a message with you, but couldn't get a signal.  I was feeling really bad and wanting to cut.

Then Niima came in and said that she knew that I supported the union in ways that I can and that Kristina is just fired up. I think, I was already making everything bad, but I had an extremely difficult time focusing today and kept going away.  However, I did do some good work with my difficult families and clients today face to face.

I keep having flashbacks...Like I can see myself and feel  what I felt in the duplex or at Grandma and Grandpa's or Maye and Bill's.  Feeling so alone, really wanting out of the duplex or Maye and Bill's , wanting someone to take care of me, listen to me, comfort me and help me to understand.

[Reading this reminds me of how much difficulty I was having with trying to focus on work with the flashbacks and feeling defensive and 'fragile' and 'reactive' all time. At this point, I was in therapy 7 hours per week due to the intensity of how things were for me.  Additionally, I was talking to him on the telephone almost everyday. Oh, did I mention that I was working full-time with a very intense case load...looking back, I felt like I was okay as long as I could work.  By the way, bad is not a feeling.  It is a self-judgement, in which, I am telling myself that I am a bad person.]

Past Journal Entry: January 17, 2006 ~ 6:45 PM

"Glory in the Highest" ~ Chris Tomlin ~ Worship in Song

Argent Burst ~ Game

Free Online Games brought to you by Armor Games

Stigma of Mental Illness ~ Pentagon Shooting

By now, I would think that most people have heard about the Pentagon shooting. Well, in surfing the Internet about this event, I found so many things that show how much stigma there is and how the media reinforces it. I became really angry and wanted to scream at some of the stuff that I found.

Words that I found referring to Bedell's mental illness: unhinged, whack job, disturbed, crazy, mental problems, idiot, fucking psycho, lunatic, bizarre, insane, half-wit, faggot, moron, mental illness is an excuse etc.  Some other phrases, "mental illness and defect of character. Aren't they the same thing?" And from the media broadcast:  "Bipolar, subject to violent psychotic behavior."

Another comment:  "The main stream media is lying ABOUT HIS MOTIVES.  They keep saying he's was a lunatic and suffered MENTAL DISORDERS. What they dont say is he thought OUR GOVERNMENT WAS BEHIND 911!"

I'd rather be described as a person diagnosed with a mental illness that was being treated.  How about you?

Regarding psychiatric care:  psychiatrist responsible;  Beldell "snapped" after being in the hands of a Psychiatric facility they, nor their drugs, fixed or cured or prevented him from doing this and; "bipolar disorder" is just a collection of symptoms that Psych's have thrown a label on, it has no scientific basis. This guy was in Psychiatry's hands, they got him on the amphetamine based little pills and he did this. The true cause of this problem is not "bipolar", it's the fact that he got further messed up by those who were supposed to be helping him.

I really am try not to scream at the comments.  First off, Bipolar Disorder is most often addressed with the drugs of Lithium, anti-convulsants, and anti-psychotics.  Some people fail to remember that he had taken himself off of the medication and was using marijuana instead.  Marijuana just makes the problems much worse and may lead to a psychotic break.  Amphetamines are not a part of treatment.  Psychiatry did not cause his actions.  It is also one of the few mental illness that generally require life long medication management.

The following video is about some myths and facts regarding Bipolar Disorder:

Bedell did not get "futher messed up by...those...helping him." It seems that during his court mandated hearings that he did not meet the criteria for being a danger to himself or others. This often happens and psychosis does not occur all the time.

In the 1960s and 1970s, due to abuse of the "mental institutions" of being dumping grounds and often people really did not have to be incarcerated, they began the process of deinstutionalization. The plan was to have community support services to help maintain and provide necessary treatment. Well, due to constant funding cuts the services are not there. In fact, in California, there is an over 250 millons cut in funding in these services including other social services, adult day health care, and education and much more.

Along with the deinstitutionalization came rights that really had been violated. No longer was there automatic sterilization. No forced medications and total reform of how people were supposed to be treated. This means that even if they are in the hospital adults cannot be "forced" to take their medications, so it isn't their fault. Without the stabilizing medication, the symptoms of his disinhibition, agitation and fearfullness complicated the lack of treatment which included psychosis and paranoid ideas which were further fueled his conspiracy theories regarding the government and the Internet.

People who have Bipolar Disorder can life fully productive and meaningful lives with medication to help stabilize their mood.  John Patrick Bedell was unable to accept the help that he needed. The following video shows just a small handful of individuals who have led meaningful and full lives:

My Eating Disorder: Progress and Hope, Part III of III

Continued from yesterday, Part III of III

However, I have made some good progress during the past couple of weeks. I am talking about my eating disorder with my therapist, psychiatrist and husband including the lying. I’m blogging about it. Thinking about the further health problems that this will add. I’m also feeling quite anxious and angry at myself for talking. (ambivalence sneaking in) I am also feeling happy and relieved that I said something. It is really self-destructive and takes a lot of energy to not talk about my eating disorder.

Now, I don’t feel like my eating disorder isn’t just mine which brings up a whole lot more feelings and again ambivalence rears its ugly head because I don’t feel in control taking about it when, in fact, I am in more control. My eating disorder doesn’t continue take over my life.

To add to those feelings, at the suggestion of my therapist, I now have to manage the feelings that I have about boxing up for donations all of my smallest sizes. The smallest sizes include for pants, skirts and jeans are 24-25 and double zero to zero; tops are xxs-xs; bras are 32A, undies are xs or 4. To give you some perspective I am 5’ 4” and was 97-110 pounds. I’m angry that I'm donating my clothes, I feel like I’m letting go, am out of control, am sad, am disappointed and probably others that I can’t identify yet.

There is also much ambivalence. I am donating a ton of clothing (300+ pieces) that are all in good shape and not out of date. Seeing the amount of clothing also made me realize that up until last year with my health problems that I wasn’t doing very well. I have spent on and off over twenty years with this consuming me as the smaller sizes have usually fit me during those years. I’ll write further about this in a later post.

I am really angry because my therapist told me that he was sure that they would never fit me again because he would hospitalize me first. More ambivalence and control issues here. I know that he is right, but I still think that I can get down to those sizes and be healthy.

I also fool myself and become angry at my therapist when he tells me that I am anorexic. I tell him that I don’t meet the DSM criteria. He says that my thinking, feelings and behavior are the same. And, sometimes I want to fight him about even having an eating disorder. I think that he is wrong and that I am okay. Again, denial and that I don’t want to accept this or let anyone in…again, I am only fooling myself.

Bottom line is that I am anorexic and am in trouble. Also, that I am being more honest and want help. I am also willing to change some behavior, but it certainly doesn’t mean I like it. And, ambivalence says, “now I want to push everyone away.” But, I really don’t want them to go…I do want help and encouragement to work this through and am afraid that I’ll be fat. I am anorexic and don’t have control…my eating disorder has control over me.

To be continued when progress and setbacks occur...

My Eating Disorder: The Ugly Details, Part II of III

Continued from yesterday, Part II of III

Now, I’ve never wanted to give details of what I’ve exactly done to try and hide it on this blog thinking that it will give others ideas. But, when it comes right down to it I didn’t want to look at the truth because if someone has an eating disorder they already know the bag of tricks and more. I just want to deny that it is a problem, that it never was, I can handle it, I’m in control…sounds like addict thinking to me…it is fucking bullshit. I’ve never been in control. It has always had control over me. Sometimes, denial is good until you can deal with the issue or it become life threatening.

There are many ways that I’ve tried to hide my eating disorder, mostly from myself. Like not talking about it and wearing clothing that hides how much I weight. When I had evening sessions it made it really easy to lie to my husband and say I’ve already ate. I would if I had time change from my more form fitting work clothing to loose clothing before session. Avoiding my husband touching or seeing me. I am not doing these things now. But, I was very vigilant when I was in real trouble.

Currently, I am in trouble now in which I will explain what I am doing. The worst part is I am lying to my husband about eating when I haven’t. I especially liked it when he was working late because we did not have any meals together. I tell him that I wasn’t hungry, or ate very little, but lying to him really means I am in trouble because I am not one to out right lie to anyone especially to my husband. I heat or cook something or dirty dishes with food and put the food down the garbage disposal. I always taste a bit, so I can tell him that “I had a little of this to eat.” (I know this is a lie…splitting hairs)

Some days consists of coffee in the morning and water the rest of the day. Sometimes, a piece of bread or something sweet. I sleep through meal times and then say that I’m not hungry or don’t feel good. I am and have always have cut my food up, so people can’t really tell how much I’ve eaten.

I started to lie to my therapist by omission or giving vague answers…I think that I was getting away with something, but, if I thought about it, I would realize that I was only fooling myself. I become extremely anxious when mealtimes come and I really become focused on everything I eat or drink. Along with it, I become preoccupied with my body by weighing myself almost every day or several times a day.

I constantly look in the mirror and see myself as grossly overweight. I am literally not sure what I really look like and haven’t in years. I’ve need my husband to point out women that look like me or if they seem to look heavier or thinner (usually it is heavier). Estimating calories for the day is a way of life. Food is categorized into good and bad food. Along with that is this thing of if I have a bad food I can’t have two meals or snacks or something.

Continues Tomorrow: "Progress and Hope"

My Eating Disorder (Part I of III): The Beginning

I want to write this post and I don’t…boy is that ambivalent. I guess that is a good way to start. One of the most difficult issues with having a Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) is ambivalence. Webster’s defines ambivalence as “simultaneous and contradictory attitudes or feelings (as attraction and repulsion) toward an object, person, or action” and or “continual fluctuation (as between one thing and its opposite).”

It is difficult to tolerate feeling both seemingly opposite feelings at the same time which leads to the “all or nothing” and “good or bad” splits. There are no gray areas. (By the way, everyone does this to some degree.) The book entitled, “I Hate You-Don’t Leave Me: Understanding the Borderline Personality by Jerold J. Kreisman,” is a good introductory book to read to gain a better understanding of this issue and the Borderline Personality Disorder.

Two weeks ago, I wrote quite personally about my eating disorder which I want to elaborate on further which is also why I explained ambivalence. For me, it is all or nothing. I either want to die slowly or I want to nurture and take care of myself. I either have complete control of my eating and weight or I am absolutely out of control. I want to live and I want to die. I want help and I want to push everyone away. I want to be taken care of or I want to be independent and need no one. I’m good or bad. I am all feeling or don’t allow myself to feel at all.

Oh, and the list could go on and applies to many other types of mental health issues and addictions. My thought process and behavior become consumed by my eating disorder. It is self-destructive, self-harming, suicidal and an expression of self-hatred like other addictions as well. It is also a defense mechanism which I use to prevent myself with dealing with what is currently going on or avoiding a topic or issue. Like all addictions there is a of addiction, which I referred to in previous posts and always hides the “real issues and problems.” I’m reading what I already wrote and if anyone has guessed it…I use my cognitive skills to avoid real issues. However, what I have written is important.

Since, I wrote my eating disorders series, I decided to talk about what is currently going on and to be more honest in therapy. You’d think that going on nineteen years with the same therapist, I’d have covered this…well, no I haven’t because part of an eating disorder is about control. And, damn it I was going to have control by omitting details of my eating disorder including allowing my therapist to think my psychiatrist was addressing it and vice versa. It was just last week that I said something and asked for help and am open to receiving it and initiating changes. (Like, my therapist didn’t know…duh)

Continued tomorrow..."The Ugly Details"

Entrecard Contest!!

Well, I've decided that I am going to "drop" out of Entrecard. It takes far too much of my time and I would rather read blogs and take a look at ones that I have been wanting to read. It was a tough decision as I have found some really great blogs. But, there are other ways that are more meaningful and worth my time. I will continue to drop, but am no longer taking advertisements. I will be featuring the following blogs which are in no particular order:
As The Crackerhead Crumbles
Epicurean Health
Rambling Stuff
Get Anxiety Help
Nature's Fury and Beauty in Pictures
First Door on the Left
Health Assistant
My Strength My Song
Mature Not Senile
Sound of a Soft Breath
As of March 12th, I have 917 credits that I will give to the best caption for the picture below. Even if you don't have Entrecard, I'd like to hear what caption that you have. I will feature the winner in this catagory in a blog. Have fun!!  Contest ends on March 31th. I will reveal the winner on April 1st...no, fooling.