I have the flu!!!!

Just to let you know that I have the flu, so am not able to respond to comments even though I had planned to. I could if the room would just stop spinning. However, beginning tomorrow is National Eating Disorders Awareness Week, so I already have post schedule this week, so please come and educate yourself or find some compassion for yourself or someone else. It has the highest mortality rate of any mental illness.

"Does Anybody Hear Her?" ~ Casting Crowns ~ Worship in Song!

The official video of Casting Crowns, Does Anybody Hear Her (C) 2006 Reunion Records is quite powerful. It brought me to tears. Please click this http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zbpGl_9rrcA to see the video. It is much better than the live one that I have posted.

Christian or not...do we see and hear others and take time out? Or are we too busy with our own lives that we miss opportunities. True Cristianity accepts, loves and reaches out to those who are different, disenfranchised and in need. Ask yourself, "who am I in the video?"

Does Anybody Hear Her?

She is running
A hundred miles an hour in the wrong direction
She is trying
But the canyon's ever widening
In the depths of her cold heart
So she sets out on another misadventure just to find
She's another two years older
And she's three more steps behind

Does anybody hear her? Can anybody see?
Or does anybody even know she's going down today
Under the shadow of our steeple
With all the lost and lonely people
Searching for the hope that's tucked away in you and me
Does anybody hear her? Can anybody see?

She is yearning
For shelter and affection
That she never found at home
She is searching
For a hero to ride in
To ride in and save the day
And in walks her prince charming
And he knows just what to say
Momentary lapse of reason
And she gives herself away

Does anybody hear her? Can anybody see?
Or does anybody even know she's going down today
Under the shadow of our steeple
With all the lost and lonely people
Searching for the hope that's tucked away in you and me
Does anybody hear her? Can anybody see?

If judgment looms under every steeple
If lofty glances from lofty people
Can't see past her scarlet letter
And we've never even met her

If judgment looms under every steeple
If lofty glances from lofty people
Can't see past her scarlet letter
And we've never even met her

If Judgement looms under every steeple
If lofty glances from lofty people
Can't see past her scarlet letter
And we've never even met her

Never even met her
(Never Even Met her)

(OHHHHH)Does anybody hear her? Does anybody see?
Or does anybody even know she's going down today
Under the shadow of our steeple
With all the lost and lonely people
Searching for the hope that's tucked away in you and me

Does anybody hear her? (Does anybody hear her?) Does anybody see? (Does anybody See?)
Does anybody even know she's going down today?
Under the shadow of our steeple (shadow of her steeple)
With all the lost and lonely people (Lost and Lonely people)
Searching for the hope that's tucked away in you and me
Does anybody hear her? Does anybody see?

He is running a hundred miles an hour in the wrong direction

Pig?

Hospitalization ~ Positive outcomes & summary

After 24 days in a psychiatric hospital, there have better been some tangible outcomes. One with the changes in my medications specifically, the addition of Lamictal and the increase of Risperdal, I am now sleeping 7-8 hours of solid, good quality sleep without feeling drugged or having nightmares.

I was able to eat in the cafeteria with all the noise and people without much problem. However, the every day noise got to me one evening and at the top of my lungs I screamed, “Shut up.” Then, I burst into tears. The charge nurse calmed me down and was okay with what I did. So was my psychiatrist who basically told me that I was being assertive, but maybe I could try to direct it in a different way. My therapist clapped.

I socialized more and have some real viable people in which to remain in contact. I began to exercise and am continuing walking on the treadmill at home. I really enjoyed are and am, for now, interested in beading. I actually had the attention span to watch and enjoy television.

All in all, a very good experience although painful and hard work. Hence, my sleeping a great deal. But, it got me to the place that I needed to be in therapy. Well, worth the time and expense.

Hospitalization ~ "A-ha" moments

This hospitalization was a bit different from the others as I was not really sure what was the underlying purpose. I know that I needed hospitalization due to my suicidality and self-harm. Beyond that I thought that it was trying to get through my anger about my mother. But, that didn’t seem to fit.

I did talk about some of that and my abuse. I actually made friends with the ping-pong table, which was a place that most of the sadistic sexual abuse took place. The first time, I went through some major unexpected flashback and panic. I spoke with the Social Service person who accompanied us on the outing. I played ping-pong on two more occasions with less intense flashbacks and a bit of compassion and reality of how young and horrendous things were.

I was able to tell my psychiatrist and psychologist about some of the abuse and received unexpected validation that my abuse was outside of what most people experience. My psychologist, who also teaches, kept encouraging me to go back to school. Which is something that I plan to do when I’m feeling better and able to manage the stress. Both of them basically told me that the academic part would be easy. Without prompting, my psychologist, offered to write me a letter of recommendation. Wow! I really am motivated to return to school maybe in a year and a half or two. The validation from not only them, but from other staff and patients was encouraging.

I know that I’ve written about having an eating disorder for 30 years with varying degrees of recovery. I am diagnosed with Eating Disorder, Not Otherwise Specified, which means I don’t meet the criteria for one of the categories, but my internal life with food and eating and my weight effects impacts my physical and mental health significantly.

However, during my hospitalization my diagnosis became, once again, a point of contention with Geoffrey. Although I tend toward anorexia, I am not diagnosable as such, but my therapist really pushed the point. He basically said that he didn't care what the DSM said, but that I have anorexia. I made a feeble attempt at saying that my weight was normal and maybe a little overweight. Then, I just had to laugh because I know that has nothing to do with it because my thought patterns and behavior are the same. Also, if it weren't for the medications, I would be underweight. He really pushed the issue.

In the end, what I discovered and it doesn’t follow what I’ve written, is that this hospitalization was about my depression, suicidality and self-harm. However, the underlying reason for all of this is really the issue that I don’t want to talk about and that is my self-hatred. The “all roads lead to bad” is really, “all road are rooted in self-hatred.” Since I’ve returned, I haven’t fragmented in session. Hooray for me.

Hospitalization ~ A Typical Day!!

I am going to share about my hospital experience a little at a time. After today, they will be more about what I did, learned and those “A-ha” moments. The following is a typical day Monday through Friday:

7:30-8:30 Breakfast
8:00-9:00 Exercise/GYM
Medications
9:15-9:30 Goals Group
10:00-11:15 Process Group
11:30-12:30 Exercise/Gym or Pool
12:00-12:45 Lunch
Medications
2:00-2:45 Cognitive Behavioral Therapy
3:00-3:45 Art
4:00-4:45 Social Recreation
5:00-6:00 Dinner
6:00-7:00 Organized social recreation/Art
6:00-8:00 Visiting Hours
Medications
9:00-9:45 Goals Group Wrap Up

Busy day, but you don’t have to participate in everything; however the process and CBT groups are important. I also began to workout again on the treadmill and weights. I plan to keep the momentum going.

I enjoyed art and made a beaded anklet, finger painted, and painted a frame then glued an assortment of tiles on it. I also participated in the walks and goals groups. Hmmm…I basically did everything, but not everyday.

There were interruptions during the routine. My therapist, Geoffrey came Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. I saw my psychiatrist every day and three times a week I saw a staff psychologist. I had lots of support and it felt good to have opportunities to talk privately.

There was some tweaking of my medications which seemed to have helped. I also saw a neurologist for my migraines and a physician for a routine physical and labs.

Saturday was mostly the same except for there was not CBT group, so everything was moved up. My husband visit with me on Saturday from 1:00 pm – 8:00 pm during which time I mostly slept in his lap. He said that he didn’t mind that he just felt good to be with me and liked that I was comfortable enough to sleep. I spoke with him I the morning and every evening before we went to bed. That helped tremendously.

Sunday was mostly the same, but everything was a bit earlier. That was the most difficult day as I didn’t have any visitors. I socialized more on Sunday. And, hooray, the women had control of the television sometimes!!! The schedule was a bit different on the day of Inauguration as we watched history take place. I was planning to watch it by myself at home, but it felt really good to share it the experience with other people.

I also watched part of the Grammy Awards. So, it was a good sign that I began to watch and enjoy television a bit. Lots of other good news to come tomorrow.

Hospitalization ~ The Good, the Bad, & the Ugly!!

I was released from a psychiatric hospital today, on Wednesday (2/11/09), just in time for a Valentine's Day with my husband. I was treated for Severe Major Depression, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and Anxiety Disorder. Wow, I was there for 24 days! It was worth it! I am worth it.

What do a perfectionist, care-taker, an attorney, an attorney turned Chaplin, a woman who lost her husband recently, a writer, an artist/singer/actor, an actor, a college student, a single mother, the woman who recently almost succeeded an attempted suicide, a man who self-injured and thought of suicide all the time, a construction worker, a man who by no fault of his own is homeless, a nurse, an elementary school teacher, a Desert Storm Veteran and 86 year old man, a man with constant pain due to his back have in common?

All were fellow patients. All with some type of mental illness such as depression, bipolar, schizophrenia, dissociative identity disorder, panic disorder, post-traumatic stress and more. Some with a dual diagnosis meaning alcohol or substance abuse with a mental illness diagnosis.

I am doing better and am trying to get my bearings back regarding being at home. The accomodations were a cross of dorm life and motel living. I am enjoying using my own shower, eating my own food, sleeping in my own bed and just being with my husband. I love having coffee. The coffee was horrendous and this Peet’s woman was used to having it available by 5 am and not 7:30 am. Major withdrawals!!!!

I will not miss the food, the 1/2 check around the clock, the shower, the food, the sleazy guy, the guy with no sense of boundaries, the guy who thought he was the center of the universe, the loud woman, the strange woman, the angry woman, the overhead announcements, the constant noise, constant talking or the constant cigarette smoke.

However, I do miss the staff and some of the people in which I connected. Some I will try and stay in contact. I miss being able to talk at any hour of the day or night. I also miss the "safety" of being in the hospital. I am very glad that I decided to go into the hospital as I feel better and I am ready to tackle the next level of my journey in healing...I am beginning to see the light, ever so faintly. At least that is what I hope it is and not an on coming train!!!

Everyone, thank you for your overwhelming support. I'm still adjusting and sleeping most of the day, so it is taking some time to reacclimate to the real world. Tomorrow I should have a post about some of my hospitalization experience.

Hospitalization - by ClinicallyClueless on Polyvore.com

Amazing Dance ~ You Will Cry ~ Worship in Dance!!