"In the year 2525 (exordium and terminus)" by Zager and Evans

To tell you how strange of a child I was, this is one of the first songs where I memorized the lyrics. I literally grew up with music all around me, so I know the late 60's music and 70's music very well. This is a one hit wonder by Zager and Evans that spent six weeks at the number one spot on the American Billboard Hot 100 Chart in June 1969 and in the UK in August 1969. (I guess, I have always liked Science Fiction type stuff.)

"The Electric Company" ~ Blast From My Past!!!

The Electric Company was a children's show from the early 70's which I loved. It debuted in 1971. This is the first season's introduction. See below for more details.

A very young Morgan Freeman was one of the ensemble cast. He is Count Dracula for this number about a "casket." Bill Cosby was also a member. See below for more details.

The Electric Company is an educational American children's television series which was produced by the Children's Television Workshop (now Sesame Workshop) for PBS in the United States. PBS broadcast 780 episodes over the course of eight seasons, from 1971 to 1977. After it ceased production that year, the program continued in reruns until 1985. CTW produced the show at Reeves Teletape Second Stage in Manhattan.

The Electric Company employed sketch comedy and other devices to provide an entertaining program to help children of elementary-school age develop their reading skills. It was intended for children who had graduated from CTW's flagship program, Sesame Street. Appropriately enough, the humor was also that much more mature than what was seen there.

The original cast included Morgan Freeman, Rita Moreno (it was Moreno who screamed "Hey, you guyyyyys!!" to open the show in seasons two, five, and six and first screamed the phrase in episode 19), Bill Cosby, Judy Graubart, Lee Chamberlin, and Skip Hinnant. Most of the cast had done stage, repertory, and improv work, with Cosby and Moreno already well-known from film and television. Ken Roberts, who was best known as a soap-opera announcer, was the narrator of some of the segments during the first season.

(Above information from Wikipedia)

I'm Feeling A Bit More Depressed!

Today, I wasn't going to post anything at all, but I woke up realizing that I was feeling more depressed than "normal." For the last two days, I've been sleeping on/off throughout the day. 1-2 hours up and 1-2 hours sleeping. I'm tired, but it feels more like an escaping kind of thing. Not, that I can do anything about falling asleep at the computer, my desk or table.

I had lots of things I could have scheduled to post today, but I just did not feel like dealing with it. Just like, I did not feel like doing my homework assignment from my therapist focusing on abandonment from my mother. Yes, we got into that Monday. I'm not happy about it and don't want to discuss it.

But, it came up because of my borderline personality disorder series. I don't think I realize how much that took out of me emotionally. Or even, how much I revealed about my mother and I. So, again I put myself out there and tell the truth. What always happens, my symptoms go up, so that is part of the reason for being more depressed.

I also think that the two panic attacks, last Wednesday and Friday, is still rattling around in my brain with I did something wrong and it is a set back. When in actuality, my therapist told me that I handled it well and that I could not have done anything to prevent it. Also, in that somewhere is trusting and allowing my husband and my therapist to take care of me and letting that feel good. With that came the realization, that I've always longed for that, but my mother couldn't provide it. What always happens, my symptoms go up, so that is part of the reason for being more depressed.

Okay, now I get it. Now, what to do. Or do I do nothing and just ride it out. Now, I am feeling my depression. I suppose it is a good thing. I guess, at least, I have something to talk about in therapy today.

Borderline Personality Disorder ~ Part V ~ Common Traits

To close my Borderline Personality Disorder Series, I wanted to review some common traits and terms relating to BPD. I hope the series was informative and helpful. Some of the information below comes from two books that I highly recommend which are Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder and Surviving a Borderline Parent: How to Heal Your Childhood Wounds & Build Trust, Boundaries, and Self Esteem. They will be noted in parenthesis as Eggshells and Surviving.

Undefined Boundaries: Because the person with BPD has such a blurred sense of self in relation to others, enmeshment, or emotional entanglement, is common. Borderline parents may treat their children as an extension of themselves, almost like one of their limbs, expecting them to wear the same style clothes, hold the same opinions, or to side with them in disagreements with a spouse or other family members.

The person with BPD may be jealous of the child’s relationship with the other parent and extended family members. The thought process appears to be, ‘If you love your father, you must not love me,’ ‘If you want to spend time with someone else, you’re abandoning me. If you have a relationship with someone else, you’re disloyal to me.” (Surviving)

Although I do not seem to have a problem in this area, my mother sure did. As I stated in an earlier article, I often felt like I was an extension of her. We do/did have similar taste in clothing however. And if she likes a certain food item, she is certain that I will even though I have already told her I don’t. She will insist I eat it. But, it really showed when it came to disagreements, she would often complain to me about my step-father or other people and unless I took her side, she would become angry at me. So, I always took her side even if I disagreed. She does this with everyone in the family to this day.
Lack of Object Constancy: One of the necessary, but painful tasks that children need to learn is object constancy. It is the ability to know that mommy and daddy exist and love me even when I don’t see them. This also teaches them to soothe themselves rather than to rely on others. However, a person with BPD has difficulty if that person is not physically present. To them they just do not exist on an emotional level. They will require or demand things to make sure you are really there such as excessive telephone calls and may become anxious if their spouse isn’t on home right on time. To alleviate and cope with the fears and anxiety of perceived abandonment they may use pictures, letters, colognes, etc. It is much like a child uses a favorite blanket or toy to represent the nurturing parent.

For me, this was and is an extremely painful area because I have an extremely shaky sense of object constancy especially with my therapist. Not seeing him on the weekends is hard and when he goes on vacation I almost always feel abandoned. This is why I have a pillow from his office that I take to and from my sessions. When things were really tough, I had voice recordings and greeting cards from him. The pillow is comforting to me and I sleep with it by my head and it went with me to every group meeting when I was in the hospital. Now, I still have difficulty with vacations and holidays and long weekends, but they are a little easier. I still feel really uneasy inside and a little ungrounded though.
Situational Competence: “Some people with BPD are competent and in control in some situations. For example, many perform very well at work and are high achievers. Many are very intelligent, creative and artistic. This can be very confusing for family members who don’t understand why the person can act so assuredly in one situation and fall apart in another. This ability to have competence in difficult situations while being incompetent in seemingly equal or easier tasks is known as situational competence.

By way of explanation, one borderline woman says, ‘We know deep within that we are defective. So we try so hard to act normal because we want so much to please everybody and keep the people in our lives from abandoning us.’ But this competence is a double-edged sword. Because they can appear so normal, high-functioning borderlines often don’t get the help they need.” (Eggshells)

This fits me perfectly which has frequently created difficulties, but none bigger than during this current major depressive episode which I’ve been writing about. I’ve received many comments about how I could work during all of what was going on. Well, I did and when I needed hospitalization, it came as a surprise to everyone and my co-workers all had to assist with keeping my caseload up to date just as we would for anyone. Well, apparently during my three and a half week hospitalization and one month off after that, which wasn’t enough (but I had to prove I was okay to myself ), I did not return to a supportive environment.

I returned to a more demanding and hostile environment. I was expected to take on my own duties and additional duties my first day back. And, I was informed that my co-workers were resentful as it was like I left things a mess and took a vacation. Now, these are social workers and all knew that it was a psychiatric hospitalization. They thought that I was just trying to get out of work. It was an extremely painful way to return and resulted in further decompensation. I won’t go into details, but the union was assisting me.
Narcissistic Demands: “Some people with BPD frequently bring the focus of attention back to themselves. They may react to most things based solely on how it affects them. Some people with BPD draw attention to themselves by complaining of illness; others may act inappropriately in public. These self-involved characteristics are defining components of narcissism.

I do this some, but not anymore than the average person. However, my mother does do these type of things, in fact, my husband commented once that she was like a child in public with her being inappropriate like swinging between two carpet sample stands. I may act silly, but usually not inappropriate per my husband. (So, not just my opinion…although, he may be biased.)
Manipulation or Desperation?: Loved ones of a person with BPD often feel manipulated and lied to by their BPD loved ones. Their loved one with BPD may feel like they are controlling, taking advantage or them via their rages, suicidal threats, gestures and attempts. It is often viewed as manipulation by the non-borderline loved one instead of a means to cope with intense painful feelings or a way to get their needs met. Their intention is not to harm someone else. They are acting out of fear, loneliness, desperation and hopelessness in the only way they know how to get their needs especially for comfort met.

This one is a tough one for me to answer and it isn’t because I don’t have an answer, it is because I am embarrassed and feel bad about how I act sometimes. In terms, of my mother, I’ve already answered this more than enough. But, when it comes to me, I really haven’t written about the “ugly” side of my being borderline. Five years ago, when most of this started, it was really difficult for my husband and I. He says that he was not sure that he could handle it.

I would go into these rages and pick fights with him from daily to three times per week. Without provocation, I’d me like my mother, I would be yelling and screaming at him for every little thing. I know now that I was trying to make him feel as badly as I felt. Sometimes, I would just start throwing things, not at him…just throwing. I felt so out of control. I really felt like I was going crazy because it was like I had no control over how angry I was or what I did. It was really, really stressful for both of us. My therapist really helped him to understand what was going on with me and to handle things and reassure him that it wasn’t him. I was afraid I was going to be just like my mother; however, it was pointed out that I would always eventually realize what was going on and apologize.

Through therapy and because of working through some of my anger, I am now much more aware and do not do this anymore to that degree. I may try to pick a verbal argument, but nothing more and my husband knows how to handle it so it doesn’t last long or happen frequently. It still happens, but it isn’t as intense.
Acting In, Acting Out: “Those that act out tend to function well in public; they are doctors and managers, lawyers and parents, best friends and board members; they’re politicians and teachers. They are often fun to be around. They may be ambitious, successful professionally, the life of the party, sociable and great storytellers. They may have a knack for putting others at ease. Once out of the public eye, however, they direct their negative emotion at others-usually family members-pointing an accusatory finger, making impossible demand, and inflicting verbal, emotional and sometimes physical abuse on loved ones. (Some adult children recall being told as adolescents that they were ugly, unpopular, and wouldn’t amount to anything, for example.) From outward appearances, the person with BPD may seem the model of competence and normalcy.

Others with BPD act in, tending instead to turn negative emotion inward, resulting in self-destructive behaviors such as cutting, self-mutilation, abusing alcohol or drugs, feeling intensely guilty for circumstances and events beyond their control, setting unreasonable high standards for themselves, or attempting suicide. They tend to be heavy utilizers of the mental health, and health care systems, and may have difficulty keeping a permanent job.” (Parent)

My therapist explained that BPD is about rage and which direction it gets turned. My mother’s obviously is completely turned outward and mine for the most part is turned inward. The difference from this description from me is that I also had the high degree of competence, so there was a lot more pressure that I placed upon myself. I left very little room for my anger to go anywhere, but inward and sometimes outward toward my husband.

One thing I do want to highlight is that many of the people that are similar to me you would never know that they were BPD unless they were in an unusually stressful situation because they are high achievers and may be the at the top of their fields as physicians, CEOs, teachers, psychologists, social workers, psychotherapists, psychiatrists, pastors, pastor’s wives, managers, lawyers, etc…I am one of those types and it is very difficult to maintain the over-functioning which is a defense from feeling what is really going on inside.

Dissociation: a mental process that causes a lack of connection in a person’s thoughts, memory and sense of identity. Dissociation seems to fall on a continuum of severity. Mild dissociation would be like daydreaming, getting “lost” in a book, or when you are driving down a familiar stretch of road and realize that you do not remember the last several miles. A severe and more chronic form of dissociation is seen in the disorder Dissociative Identity Disorder, once called Multiple Personality Disorder, and other Dissociative Disorders. (definition taken from www.MentalHealthAmerica.net) My therapist and I also refer to dissociation as “going away” or “leaving.” Remember it is on a continuum.

This is something that I do frequently especially when experiencing intense emotions. 20 years ago, in therapy, there were times when I would just go away for the whole session. It wasn’t safe for me to talk. Recently, I am beginning to realize how frequently I have done this my whole life. There are times now when I have some time gaps or don’t remember a conversation. This doesn’t happen very often and doesn’t seem to interfere with my daily activities most of the time.

However, there was a period where, I was almost not able to drive because I was becoming disoriented in familiar places. It was like I had no idea where I was or what to do. That was really scary and was due to the intensity of therapy at the time. I’ve mostly just highlighted the most severe experiences, but there are little ones all along the way…like when I’m typing a post, like this one.

Fragmentation: a mental process where a person becomes intensely emotionally focused on one aspect of themselves, such as “I am angry” or “no one loves me,” to the point where all thoughts, feelings and behavior demonstrate this emotional state, in which, the person does not or is unable to take into account the reality of their environment, others or themselves and their resources. This is a term that my therapist and I use and is on the continuum of dissociation.

A good example of this is above where I discuss my anger with my husband. Also, there are times when I feel bad and no matter what anyone says or does, I will twist it into something that makes me bad regardless of my reality. Also, when I become angry with my therapist, there are times when it is not going to matter what he says, because I will interpret it as an attack. These instances are very painful and emotionally very intense. I will also do things like cancel appointments only to change my mind.

It is quite embarrassing, but it is part of the borderline splitting everything is bad or good and I can’t find any middle ground. The hard part is that I can’t access the part of my brain that knows differently, but I am getting better. One thing that has helped tremendously is that I have reached a new level of trusting my therapist and when in this type of situation I keep telling myself, “This is Geoffrey and we can talk anything through. He is not angry, is not going to harm me, is not going to yell or hit me.” Yes, the internal state of a borderline is quite intense and painful. This is why so many with BPD terminate therapy prematurely. I’m really glad I’m sticking it out…it is so worth it, but extremely painful and difficult.

Okay, I’ve revealed what I would call the “ugly” side of my being borderline, but all borderlines experience this pain and confuse themselves and others with their behavior. There are a multitude of areas and topics which I did not cover. Some include what to do if you have a borderline personality disorder. I did not cover it because it is very individualized and I want to encourage anyone who is experiencing difficulties to discuss it with their physician and/or to seek out treatment from a qualified professional. If you want to know more information, please look at my book suggestion list on the side bar and/or do a worldwide web search. For those with a borderline personality disorder, I hoped this series helped you to understand yourself better and gave you hope that things will get better. Also, for those with loved ones with borderline personality disorder or for those who had a parent with BPD, I hope you were encouraged and will seek assistance and support as necessary. Now, I’ll go eat my chocolate and chocolate chip cookies!!

Borderline personality disorder ~ Part III ~ Overview

Change of plans again, today I had written that I would cover some general topics related to borderline personality disorder, but instead I revised Part III and this is the result which is much more readable. It no longer sounds like I'm trying to write a thesis...that was horrible, but I'm glad I noticed it early in the day and pulled it. Here is Part III revised...

According to the DSM-IV-TR (American Psychiatric Association: Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders), the essential feature of Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) is a pervasive pattern of instability of interpersonal relationships, self-image, and affects, and marked impulsivity that begins by early adulthood and is present in a variety of contexts.

Most of the information in this article was gathered from http://www.psychcentral.com/, http://www.mentalhealth.com/, and http://www.mayoclinic.com/ unless otherwise specified.

The prevalence of BPD is about 2% of the general population. It is seen in 10% of psychiatric outpatients, and 20% of psychiatric inpatients. This disorder is more frequent in females (about 75%) than males. Emotional instability and impulsivity are very common in adolescents, but most adolescents grow out of this behavior. Unfortunately, for some, this emotional instability and impulsivity persists and intensifies into adulthood; thus they become diagnosed with this disorder. As with other mental disorders, the causes of borderline personality disorder are complex.

The name arose because of theories in the 1940s and 1950s that the disorder was on the border between neurosis and psychosis. But, that view doesn't reflect current thinking. In fact, some advocacy groups have pressed for changing the name, such as calling it emotional regulation disorder.

Meanwhile, the cause of borderline personality disorder remains under investigation, and there's no known way to prevent it. Possible causes include:

• Genetics. Some studies of twins and families suggest that personality disorders may be inherited.
• Environmental factors. Many people with borderline personality disorder have a history of childhood abuse, neglect and separation from caregivers or loved ones.
• Brain abnormalities. Some research has shown changes in certain areas of the brain involved in emotion regulation, impulsivity and aggression. In addition, certain brain chemicals that help regulate mood, such as serotonin, may not function properly.

Personality forms during childhood. It's shaped by both inherited tendencies and environmental factors, or your experiences during childhood. Some factors related to personality development can increase your risk of developing borderline personality disorder. These include:

• Hereditary predisposition. You may be at a higher risk if a close family member — a mother, father or sibling — has the disorder.
• Childhood abuse. Many people with the disorder report being sexually or physically abused during childhood.
• Neglect. Some people with the disorder describe severe deprivation, neglect and abandonment during childhood.

Marsha Linehan theorizes that borderlines are born with an innate biological tendency to react more intensely to lower levels of stress than others and to take longer to recover. They peak "higher" emotionally on less provocation and take longer coming down. People with BPD are like people with third degree burns over 90% of their bodies. Lacking emotional skin, they feel agony at the slightest touch or movement. In addition, they were raised in environments in which their beliefs about themselves and their environment were continually devalued and invalidated. These factors combine to create adults who are uncertain of the truth of their own feelings.

I also agree with A.J. Mahari's theory that compliment Linehan. Mahari states, "It is the core wound of abandonment in those who have been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) that is the source of insecure or non-existent attachment that leads to the toxic and unhealthy ruptured relationships that have at their centre emotional enmeshment and an insatiable need for love. These broken relationships, often rupture under the weight of the child-like behaviour and needs of the borderline still searching for the much-needed unconditional acceptance, validation and love of a parent as the result of unmet early childhood developmental needs.

Most, if not all, borderline behaviour is driven directly or indirectly by fear of abandonment and the fear of re-experiencing the intolerable pain of your original core wound of abandonment. What feels like it keeps happening to you, is in fact, a triggered, dissociative, regressed re-experiencing of what initially happened to you in the very early and formative developmental years of your life." (A.J. Mahari has a fantastic blog entitled Borderline Personality Disorder Inside Out: A.J. Mahari unravels the mysteries of Borderline Personality Disorder)
With borderline personality disorder your image of yourself is distorted, making you feel worthless and fundamentally flawed. Your anger, impulsivity and frequent mood swings may push others away, even though you yearn for loving relationships.

Individuals with BPD seem to have a much higher stigma than individuals with other disorders even within the mental health community and there is debate as to whether or not they are treatable. Many professionals will not treat people with BPD or must limit the number of patients. In order for treatment to be successful, it requires a significant commitment from the therapist and patient. My personal belief is that people with BPD can be treated. I, for one, have been receiving treatment and am near a point where I will no longer meet the criteria.

But, it has been a long time of much tumultuous and extremely painful hard work for both my therapist and I. There were times when I think both of us wanted to quit. Persons with BPD are often described, by the DSM as deliberately manipulative and difficult with extreme inner pain and turmoil, powerlessness and defensive reactions with extremely limited coping and communication skills. My translation, they take tremendous energy, extra attention, consistent limit-setting, terminate treatment prematurely and may return, and have a love/hate relationship with the therapist. But, there is hope.

The course of this disorder is quite variable. The most common pattern is one of chronic instability in early adulthood. This disorder is usually worse in the young-adult years and it gradually decreases with age. During their 30s and 40s, the majority of individuals with this disorder attain greater stability in their relationships and vocational functioning. After about 10 years, about half of individuals with this disorder no longer meet the full criteria for Borderline Personality Disorder.

Increasing awareness and research are helping improve the treatment and understanding of borderline personality disorder. Emerging evidence indicates that people with borderline personality disorder often get better over time and that they can live happy, peaceful lives.

And, I, for one, am getting there; however, it has taken a very long time and much commitment and painful work. I can see why people "give up" treatment. But, the reward for sticking it out is priceless. Well, really not priceless...therapy and medication is expensive, but that is a whole other issue. Don't even get me started. So, tomorrow will be the last of this series and will cover some basic areas that I wanted to highlight and will contain personal examples...again I'm offering cookies, chocolate and coffee.

"The Invisible Woman" ~ Nicole Johnson ~ Worship God in Speaking

Nicole's sketch "The Invisible Woman" brings a powerful message of hope to every taken-for-granted woman in today's world. This video shared with permission from Fresh Brewed Life, Inc. and Nicole Johnson. Although this is addressed to women, it could easily be related to anyone who feels invisible. Each person who has reached out to me here in their broken state has made a difference in my life. For that , I thank you. No matter what we do, even with a disability, God loves us and sees our worth and makes us a blessing to others.

Catz are Hilarious!!!

I'm a dog person, but I like cats too. This video was really well made and is LOL funny. For those who are cat people, sit down while watching it for your own safety.

Are You Suffering?

Okay, I need to air a pet peeve of mine because it has been bugging me more and more as I’ve been looking at unfamiliar blogs. Please do not take offense, as it is not directed at one person, but it shows how the words we use can make subtle differences in the way in which we view and approach others. There are many phrases that mental health professionals and non-professionals use that I do not think are very helpful or are condescending, but I’ll admit to using them too with other professionals because there is instantaneous understanding. However, the phrase I am referring to does not help in that manner.

The phrase is “suffering from.” In very rare cases, do I think that this is an appropriate term to use. But, I really understand people using it and I know that it is old language and comes from the medical model. However, I’d like you maybe to think about the words that you choose. I’ve been reading things like “Those suffering from borderline personality disorder,” “I suffer from bipolar disorder, and “My patient suffers from depression.” Oh, that is like nails on a chalk board to me.

My problem with it is that is seems to automatically set up roles for a victim role, that the person is always suffering and is a victim of the illness. Which to me, would also imply that therapist subtly views the client as a victim and herself as the one to rescue the victim from the illness. Yes, there is a power differential in a client/therapist relationship, but it is not one that most call attention to at this level. It is usually a team effort. To me, it comes across as a bit condescending and it also makes me feel a bit defeated by my illness. My illness does not define me should be the primary focus of who I am. It is simply one of my characteristics.

Whose business is it to say that “I am suffering from depression.” Yes, I am a person diagnosed with a major depressive disorder which, at times, is excruciating. However, I may be managing, may be struggling, may be coping or may be in a really deep depression and in great pain. To me those are much more accurate and descriptive phrases. They also make me feel more like a person instead of the focus being on my illness.

Do we tell people that they are suffering from diabetes, from heart disease, from a broken leg, or a sprain ankle? What kind of subtle message do we send. You are a victim of your illness. Everyone who has this illness must, feel as if they are suffering. I don’t know maybe I just get lost in the semantics of it all.

But, please do not refer to me as suffering from major depression and post-traumatic stress disorder. I am a person who has been diagnosed with major depression and post-traumatic stress disorder which is very difficult for me to manage, but I actually have a great life except for the symptoms from my illnesses. Just changing a few words can make all the difference in the way someone feels or views themself.

Thanks for reading my vent…time to get off my soapbox. Next?

Darth Vader Plays Golf!!!