Feeling "Bad" Today

First, I want to start off by saying that feeling "bad" is a core issue for those of us with a Borderline Personality Disorder.  However, bad is not a feeling, but a harsh judgement that we place upon our self.  Often time, I get myself into a no win situation and either way I end up going into bad.  It is painful and hopeless feeling.  However, by changing our thoughts about a situation will help, but I'm having difficulty doing that.  Most have difficulty doing that for themselves...instead we look for someone else to be our ego.

I guess, I will go in chronological order.  In therapy, we spent the whole 90 minutes talking about my eating disorder which always feels "bad" to me.  I am breaking through the denial of how bad my eating disorder became.  Although I have been reaching my goal of eating six somethings per day, my eating disorder thoughts are running rampant. 

With much fear and anxiety, I have arrived all by myself without any suggestions to donate the next level of my smaller sizes (purposely not using numbers).  This breaks my denial a bit and as my therapist puts it, "I'm looking at the present rather than the past."  Basically, by giving them away, I don't have clothing in the house to aim for as a goal.  If I get there, that is great.  But if I don't that needs to be okay too because I need to accept where I am.  If I keep the smaller sizes in the house, my eating disorder thoughts begin.

Two other things that I went into bad over was my shopping and my car.  I am addicted to shopping whenever I feel depressed or want to run from my feelings.  I go into bad about this as I am not working as well.  The Nordstrom Anniversary Sale was fun and I purchased what I wanted and needed; however, it kicked up "I'm bad."

Secondly,  yesterday while on the freeway, a chunk of concrete hit the front and the grill on my car.  There is some damage that my husband is looking into.  I still think that I should have been able to do something.

So there it is...I am feeling "bad."

Effects of child sexual abuse ~ Part III

Trigger Warning - Trigger Warning

I decided to explain how my sexual abuse has directly effected my sexuality with my husband...Gulp!  Even when we first were married and began intercourse which was a couple times each month, it was quite painful for me.  My muscles would tighten and he would have difficulty with penetration.  He felt badly that it was painful for me, so gradually we stopped having intercourse. 

Not only was it painful, I was a bit panicked, never really enjoyed it, hated the feeling of ejaculation, and dissociated.  I would also have BDSM thoughts which was helpful for some reason.  Again, associating sex with violence.  I also kept having some flashes of my own sexual abuse.  Silly me, I thought that all of this would get better.

Since all of my memories started coming back in 2003, my husband volunteered to sleep in our extra bedroom where he remains and we had no sexual contact at my request.  However, after my hospitalizations in 2009, I began to cuddle naked and then with him naked.  We both are able to take naps together like this.  My friend calls it NN...naked napping!! :-) 

Also, I began to play with his private parts.  Now, it is every night.  He has been in quite a predicament at times as I have fallen asleep like this.  Everything he did was of no help.  Eventually, he would have to move my hand or awaken me a bit.

This is a HUGE step for me and one that was spontaneous.  I feel completely safe doing this as does my husband. My therapist says that we are actually having sex every night and that other husbands would "kill" to have this type of sexual relationship.  Although, I think that I should be able to have intercourse, given my background, I shouldn't even be able to do this.  My husband has also stated that "if we never have intercourse again that he would be satisfied with what we do now and that if he never sleeps in our bed at night that would be fine."  I know many couples who do this due to different schedules and snoring.  So another benefit...my husband SNORES!!

Yes, I hear you!!

I  found the following at  "One Day At A Time..through my eyes... " blog by Kim A.:

If I shut my mouth

my ears open

when my ears open

my mind hears

when my mind hears

my heart understands

when my heart understands

my spirit prays

when my spirit prays

my Creator answers

when my Creator answers

I open my mouth

When I open my mouth

I sing

Do you hear me?

I'm getting better, but I am exhausted!!

Saturday night, I had a flashback or was it a dance :-) about being in high school and college again.  There was lots of neon, an eclectic assortment of clothing and hair styles, legwarmers, fishnet, ripped sweatshirts, mohawks, I saw Goonies, Gremlins, Miami Vice, "Choose Life" and there was day-glo everywhere.  I heard new arrangements and singing of songs like, Thriller, Shout, I Want to Know What Love Is, Hungry Like the Wolf, Sweet Dreams, People are People, Girls Just Want to Have Fun, Holding Out for a Hero, Express Yourself, It's Raining Men, I'm So Excited, Out Here on My Own, Live to Tell and many more!!  Was I dreaming, was my body really that young again and could dance without paying a price...

No, I was watching a Totally 80s presentation by the Gay Men's Chorus of Los Angeles (GMCLA) at the Avalon theatre in Hollywood.  I know that I was supposed to be taking it easy, but we had purchased these tickets when they first went on sale and had front row center seats which meant that I was leaning on the catwalk and the dancers were a few feet away as there was no orchestra pit.  We were so close to the stage that I could see sweat, their tight clothing and assets and hear them sing without the microphone.  I could also really see facial hair, stubble and the type of hair no one mentions above the neck.  (Too much information...I'm sorry!)

I'm glad that my husband isn't the jealous type because I had lots of eye candy!!!  Oh, excuse me I need to stop drooling, but their bodies were fabulous. Oh, did I mention that the dancers were really hot!!  The music was fantastic and Act 1 brought back lots of memories.  Act 2 was equally as fabulous, but took on a much more serious tone.  For me this was expected, as the 80's especially the early 80's, was a terrible time to be homosexual as AIDS exploded and all the misunderstanding and controversy around it including that the government was hardly addressing the disease's impact which was certain death.

Act 2 consisted of Thriller, Out Here on My Own, Live to Tell, We Belong, and I Wanna Dance with Somebody.  Each song being toned down some or significantly toned down, which emphasized the lyrics.  (Go read the lyrics)  Imagine this with thinking about AIDS in the 80's. Thriller took on a more chilling feel when various chorus members left the stage which represented one more death from AIDS.  I'll admit. I was quite tearful during Act 2.  It was quite poignant.

Either way, I was either trying to dance in my seat aggravating my respiratory system and my ankle, singing or mouthing the words aggravating my respiratory system also, or the heat in the theatre was making it more difficult to breathe.  We got home at around 8:30pm and I slept until 10:45pm just to take my medications quite late.  I've slept most of today (Sunday) and my ankle hurts...rest this week and today.

It was all really worth it.  I'd love to have seen the show today again, if we could have.  I love the talent of GMCLA and what they are about.  They help bring the world a little more into harmony....(I know a groaner).

Please visit their website to find out more about them, concert dates, their background and see videos of other performances.  Click on any link in this post or click here.  Below are parts of text taken from GMCLA website:

On a July night in 1979, a small group of men opened the doors to a room at the Plummer Park Community Center in Los Angeles (now West Hollywood) and waited and wondered if anybody would show up. They had posted flyers around the neighborhood announcing the formation of a new gay chorus and this night was to be its first rehearsal. To their great surprise, 99 men appeared and a chorus was born. Within three months of that rehearsal, founding director Harold Kjellberg led the group through its first major event: the March on Washington, D.C. and the first national lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender (LGBT) concert at the Washington Memorial.

While public understanding of gay life has evolved much since 1979, there is still fierce resistance to lasting change by opponents to LGBT equality. And the road to today has not always been easy. Through the height of the AIDS crisis, the Chorus lost over 150 members. Only 12 original members remain. As a result, GMCLA has a deep history of service within the LGBT community, singing at countless memorials, making and commissioning music that helps the community to mourn, to celebrate, to dream, and to prepare for victory.

For 30 years, the Chorus has built an international reputation for musical excellence while remaining deeply rooted in service to the Los Angeles community. Hailed by the Los Angeles Times as “one of the last important links to a glorious tradition in music,” GMCLA has more than doubled in size to 226 singers, added professional and artistic staff, toured nationally and internationally, released thirteen compact discs, commissioned more than 300 new works and arrangements and appeared frequently on national television.

The Chorus has appeared on several television broadcasts including Will & Grace, The Ren and Stimpy Show, Mad TV, and six episodes of Six Feet Under.

Music to Overcome Prejudice

GMCLA became the first gay mens U.S. chorus to tour central Europe in 1991. That historic tour was featured in a documentary entitled "Out Loud" and was broadcast on the PBS television network.

GMCLA became the first gay men's chorus ever to perform for a sitting President of the United States, Bill Clinton.

GMCLA became the first openly gay performers ever to be broadcast nationally over Russian television during their 1999 concert tour (sold out concert in Tchaikovsky Hall, Moscow).

GMCLA was the first openly gay chorus to tour South America (Argentina, Brazil, Uruguay, and Chile) in 2006, performing at some of the continent's most revered theatres and concert venues. Repertoire included North American and European classical and popular music from Bacharach to Verdi, as well as new works commissioned for the tour by Daniel Catan, Rosephanye Powell, and Daniel Alfonso. New music for the Tour was funded by the National Endowment for the Arts, the James Irvine Foundation, and Los Angeles County Arts Commission. In each of the four countries, the Chorus raised money for LGBT and HIV organizations, as well as helping to start the first gay chorus in South America, to be based in Rio de Janeiro.

The Chorus membership donates over 60,000 volunteer hours annually to make GMCLA’s mission of musical excellence and community partnership a reality.

GMCLA's mission statement is "to create musical experiences that strengthen our role as a leader among lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender (LGBT) and performing arts organizations,enrich our member-artists, support LGBT youth, challenge homophobia, and expose new communities to our message of equality."


The following are some of the lyrics for Thriller:

It's close to midnight and something evil's lurking in the dark
Under the moonlight, you see a sight that almost stops your heart
You try to scream but terror takes the sound before you make it
You start to freeze as horror looks you right between the eyes
You're paralyzed


'Cause this is thriller, thriller night
And no one's gonna save you from the beast about strike
You know it's thriller, thriller night
You're fighting for your life inside a killer, thriller tonight


You hear the door slam and realize there's nowhere left to run
You feel the cold hand and wonder if you'll ever see the sun
You close your eyes and hope that this is just imagination, girl!
But all the while you hear the creature creeping up behind
You're out of time


'Cause this is thriller, thriller night
There ain't no second chance against the thing with forty eyes, girl
Thriller, thriller night
You're fighting for your life inside a killer, thriller tonight


Night creatures calling, the dead start to walk in their masquerade
There's no escaping the jaws of the alien this time
(They're open wide)
This is the end of your life

Imagine?

 

What A Decade ~ 1970s

How much of the 70's do you remember whether you were born or not!! Click this to see some of the serious and funny events and things of the seventies.  I've also highlighted some items below...Yes, either I or my family owned these. (Am I really that old?)

Clackers are toys which were popular in the late 1960s and early 1970s. They consisted of two 2 cm, hard balls suspended on string which were swung up and down so they banged against each other, making a clacking sound. Clackers are similar in appearance to the Argentinian weapons, bolas.

They are formed out of two hard plastic balls, each about two cm in diameter, attached to a tab with a sturdy string. The player holds the tab, with the balls hanging below. Through a gentle up-and-down hand motion, the two balls swing apart and back together, making the clacking noise that give the toy its name. With practice, it is possible to make the balls swing so that they knock together above the hand as well as below.

Clackers were discontinued when children were injured while playing with them. Fairly heavy and fast-moving and made of hard acrylic plastic, the balls could shatter upon striking each other, which was dangerous.

I became quite good at this.  Mine never shattered, but if you got in the way of the motion or as it was slowing down...getting hit by one hurt quite a bit.

Pet Rocks were a 1970s fad conceived in Los Gatos, California by advertising executive Gar Dahl. In April 1975, Dahl was in a bar (which is now Beauregard Vineyards Tasting room in Bonny Doon)listening to his friends complain about their pets.This gave him the idea for the perfect "pet": a rock. A rock would not need to be fed, walked, bathed, groomed and would not die, become sick, or be disobedient. He said they were to be the perfect pets, and joked about it with his friends.^[However, he eventually took the idea seriously, and went home and drafted an "instruction manual" for a pet rock. It was full of puns, gags and plays on words that referred to the rock as an actual pet. The first Pet Rocks were ordinary gray stones bought at a builder's supply store. They were marketed like live pets, in custom cardboard boxes, complete with straw and breathing holes for the "animal." 

My family owned one and it was fun at first, but ended up being a dust collecter after the humor of it died.

In the mid-1970s, Ernő Rubik worked at the Department of Interior Design in Budapest and "accidently" invented what would be called the Rubik Cube.  In a classic Rubik's Cube, each of the six faces is covered by nine stickers, among six solid colours (traditionally white, red, blue, orange, green and yellow). A pivot mechanism enables each face to turn independently, thus mixing up the colours. For the puzzle to be solved, each face must be a solid colour.

I after much practice at not solving it finally mastered it.  Then, it was easy there after for me to solve.  I even have my original one that really baffles me now!!

POP ROCKS ~ I loved them.  Unlike other candies, it fizzed and popped in your mouth.  The candy was first offered to the public in 1975. In 1983, General Foods stopped selling the candy. Some believed that this was because of an urban legend that mixing Pop Rocks with carbonated beverage could result in a person's stomach exploding.  This is not true.

 

The popularity of waterbeds hit it's height in the 1970s.  It was supposedly therpuetic and enhanced sexual activity.  My experience as a kid was my uncle putting weight on one side to wake me up...he thought it was funny.  One of the troubles with it was filling it as shown above and its propensity for leaking.

The 1970s desire to "find oneself" often resulted in people getting naked in public. The height of the streaking craze came in 1974 when a naked man zoomed across the stage during the Academy Awards ceremony.  David Niven said, "Ladies and gentleman, that was bound to happen. Just think, the only laugh that man will probably ever get is for stripping and showing off his shortcomings."

The fad hit it's height in 1974.  At any event where there were a lot of people, you could expect a streaker.  Ray Stevens honored this fad in song.

More Truth Spoken

Well, yesterday was quite a day.  I had a telephone session with my psychiatrist and told him about the pornography.  He was very supportive, but I was sooooo anxious and embarrassed.  He explained that it was completely understandable.  It was tough just letting someone else in; however, I am relieved.

Then, as pre scheduled, I met with my pastor who I have know for over thirty years when I was in High School and him in College...we've quite literally grown up together.  And, he has been the one that I confided in the most especially when I wasn't in therapy.  Since, I haven't been able to go to church due to my anxiety and depression, we have met periodically.  Even though, I haven't been to church in years, I still feel very close to God.

Anyway, I must have been feeling brave yesterday because I also told him about the pornography.  He has indicated earlier that he doesn't necessarily that it is wrong that it is a more of a grey area.  Anyway, he laughed and said, "only you would come up with a way to make pornography a healing thing."  He was quite accepting, understanding and very open minded.  I had a good time catching up one things at church and updating him on what has been going on with me.  He said that he always feels inspired when he talks with me...I felt really good about that.

With telling both my psychiatrist and my therapist and writing about this on my blog and receiving comments, I am feeling better about myself and accepting in a non-judgemental way what I am doing as it is healing...funny place to find healing.

Reality Number 2

Either in May or July I start a series entitled reality. It will be scattered throughout my blog as I learn or struggle with an issue. As a way of coping with things I grew up with as a child, I developed a fantasy world. Not the fairy tale kind, but one that made sense out of an overwhelming, abusive and chaotic environment. This makes it hard to accept and deal with reality now as I want to stay in my fantasy. Problem is most of my fantasy means that "I did something wrong, I can control it, I am bad." The list could go on, but basically it all comes down to "I am bad." This issue is such a struggle for me. Acceptance instead of judgement is a tough transition to make, but it is the only way toward healing and it has taken me a long way to get here.  The I am "bad" issue is a core issue for those diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder.

•FANTASY: Being sexually abused was not a big deal.  It was no different than other people.

•REALITY: I was sadistically and savagely abused by multiple men while tied or held down on a repeated basis.  This is not "normal" sexual abuse.

Happy Independence Day!!