Will and Grace Bloopers

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Will and Grace ~ Oh, look. This one has an "M"

Come back tomorrow and see bloopers from Will and Grace!!!

Tired!!! Be Back Tomorrow!!!

A letter FROM my mother!!

Yesterday was letter day. My mother was to receive my letter via email and a mailed copy yesterday which she read. More details below the letter from my mother. Arriving home after my therapy session, I find the following letter in my mail from my mother:

Dear Coleen,

I am communicating with you in writing as you have not seemed to wish to communicate with me for several years. I don’t know the exact reason that you don’t want to see or talk to me but I will hazard a guess. Most have familial problems and I will not go into the details that I have had with every member of mine but they have had an influence in my and your “formation.”

I know that you think that you had a terrible childhood and granted you did not have the best but you did not have the worst. I am sorry that you father was not more a part of your life but he was not the most nurturing or understanding person. We were both young and immature but we thought we were doing our best. But it did not work out for us and we divorced. He was from the old Japanese school.

Gene did love you for a long time and wanted to adopt you but you refused. He was good to you for many years giving and teaching you many things. But I guess it is easier for you to remember the bad things.

I am sorry that I was not a better mother but I cannot make up for it now. Just to ask for your forgiveness and understanding. I have prayed about this and if you do not wish to communicate or see me anymore just let me know. On the other hand, if you want more details or to discuss anything, just let me know. I don’t want you to carry on a façade any longer.

I love you, always have and always will. I ask God to bless you and heal you everyday.

Love,

(She signs, “Mom”)

Due to the contents and timing, I thought that this was too much a coincidence and that someone gave her some type of information. So, I called my uncle who keeps pushing for us to talk even though I've tried and tried. He denied saying or mailing her anything about the letter. However, later in the conversation he said that he had a conversation with my mother about my relationship with her. Even though he denied giving her information. I still believe that he said something to tip her off.

I told him that he had not right to interfere in my relationship with my mother. And that he screw everything up and hurt me. He said that she is my sister and I'm her brother, so they can talk...note he never calls anyone except for holidays. He kept saying that and denying anything about the letter. He said that I needed to reconcile with my mother.

So, my mother calls my aunt during work and is unintelligible for the most part and was crying saying that the letter was completely untrue, that I never go along with her, and I need to go. Also, "the only way for Coleen to have her family was for her (Susan) to go away. Everyone hates me I have no family. Need to go. She also called my uncle with the same information. Ending each call with "I need to go away." That she need to remove herself from the family. She ended the calls with "I need to go away" and "can't handle this anymore" and "I need to go...." Click!! Alarming my aunt she called her partner to call my mother who immediately picked up the telephone which to me indicates that she fully expect someone to call her back.

My aunt and her partner emphasized to me that I did nothing wrong, that this is about me and supporting me. My aunt, her partner, my husband and I all believe that my uncle did tip her off. I feel so betrayed by my uncle.

I cried on and off all day...It was a horrible afternoon.

(Letter to Mother. This is only for my personal searchs as blogger does not search by tags, much to my dismay)

(Letter to mom. This is for search purposes only.)

Finished Letter Fallout

I finally finished the letter to my mother which turned out to be four individual post:

Part I
Part II
Part III
Part IV

On Sunday evening (9.20.09), I emailed it to my family with a request to let me know when and if they read it. By Thursday, I received two out of four responses. So, I decided to call my uncle, and cousins. My cousins were supportive even though they really don't seem to understand, but they are also in there late twenties and were very sheltered.

However, my uncle, who had been really supportive in the past, left me in tears when I got off the telephone and questioning everything including whether or not I should send the letter. He told me that I should have sent it to everyone and that it makes people take sides. Also, that the detail regarding Grandma seeing something should have been left out. That it is too graphic. He further went on about my relationship with my mother. That I should try talking face to face with her to try to work it out. And, that I need to participate in working it out with her and that we both need to play ball. Luckily, my husband, my aunt and her partner helped to calm me down. I realize that it is mostly his own stuff, but all it took was that one negative comment to have me come crashing down. I am so nervous.

Now, here I am at Friday with my therapist out of town and I am going nuts. He sang "I'm Coming Out" He also wrote me a very encouraging note. Yes, he is a bit unconventional. But, he was quite proud of me finally telling the truth to my family and mother and standing on my own in my rage...I feel sick!! I'm still reeling from what my uncle said; nonetheless, I am still going to email the letter Sunday evening and mail it on Saturday. Either way, I mostly feel good about mailing the letter and have good support.

Tonight (Friday night), due to my aunt's health problems and that she is already enraged about what she already knows, her partner and her are going to read it together tonight. They read it and my aunt also spoke with my uncle and explained that he had hurt my feelings, compared what they remember (which validates what my letter says). She also explained why reconciliation at this point is not possible and that they needed to be there to support me. Both also believe me. My aunt and her partner helped me immensely.

Another part of the conversation that further validates my mother's abuse is that she is the one that is supposed to be watching over my Grandma. She is 86 years old and is afraid to ask my mother anything as my mother will yell at her. My uncle found out that she weighs only 77 pound which is 20 pounds lower than her lowest number for her BMI. I am really outraged that she let my Grandma get this way without letting anyone know. This week my mother, my uncle and aunt have scheduled a conference all to discuss Grandma.

I ought to be an interesting atmosphere as my mother will have read my letter by that time. My aunt and uncle we enraged at my mother especially my aunt. And, now they are even more enraged.

On Saturday, I was note handling thing very well as I picked a fight with my husband and was crying over my aunt not calling me personally as expected. Most of the information is coming from her partner talking with my aunt due to health reasons. I had one very pleasant surprise...my therapist called me even though he was out of town telling me, that he was thinking about me and wanted to see how I was doing. That made me feel so much better. I shall see what tomorrow (Sunday) brings.

(Letter to Mother. This is only for my personal searchs as blogger does not search by tags, much to my dismay)

(Letter to mom. This is for search purposes only.)

Letter to my mother ~ Part IV ~ Final

Letter to my mother ~ Part IV

I am so enraged at you for consistently ignoring any signs that I was being abused or in danger. However, I am more enraged at you for the abuse that YOU did to me. What the hell did you think when I kept scratching my crotch and rear. You even teased me that I had worms because I was dragging my rear across the carpet like a dog. You would slap my hand away. Didn’t it ever occur to you to ask or take me to the doctor? You were blind to any sense of distress that I may have expressed. You continue to put blinders on when it comes to me. But, it was your responsibility, as a mother, to protect and comfort me. You apparently chose not to do so.

You chose not to handle it when I had my suicide attempt and even more so when after that event you ignored my friends warnings that I was suicidal. You never took me seriously when it was needed. You were too busy with knowing if the school would find out. Were you afraid that they would find out how much abuse was taking place by Gene and YOU!! I was not being dramatic or sensitive. It was that bad!!! You close your eyes whenever I need something. Again, you just fucking ignored me and continue to do so. You are such a selfish bitch!!

Everything always has had to and still does revolve around you. Even, my birthday was always about what you wanted and what you liked. You rarely gave any consideration to what I wanted or liked. It was always about what YOU. And, sometimes you would remember and sometimes you acted like you didn’t. I feel like you don’t want to acknowledge my birth or me. But, like it or not you are my mother and that is your responsibility and not mine!!

I am so enraged at you for making me the butt of your teasing and joking. You were sadistic because you got so much pleasure out of teasing me to the point that it was extremely hurtful and painful. I was like a toy or something to you and Gene to play with. And, I just want to slap you over and over again when you still make jokes about it now. Besides what I’ve already mentioned, you knew that I was scared of snails and frogs, but you would purchase things with them on items for me, teased me, and allowed Gene to terrorize me. Once, it was to the point that I lost my front tooth by biting you trying to get away from him and then you just laughed. You are just a sadistic bitch.

Your sadism went even so far as giving me some wine when I was young to see how I would react. Then, you made fun of me and started to tell what I did to everyone, but would omit the part that YOU gave me the wine. You still mention it today. You really screwed up my life.

I hate you and am so enraged that (those words don’t even come close to how I feel about you) for making my life so unpredictable. Every single day that I lived with you was unpredictable either because of you or Gene. I never knew if it was going to be a safe day or not…if one of you would rage against me or if you were going to hit me. You fucking didn’t pull it together enough not to take it out on me. The worst part is that the rules changed all the time related to how one of you felt. I hate you so much for making my life like that.

I really hate you so much for making housework days hell for me. From the time we lived in the duplex until I moved out, you were always so unpredictable. Much of the time, I would wake up with you yelling at me to come help you. When we lived in the duplex, when I couldn’t figure out the right attachment that you wanted, you used to throw parts of the vacuum cleaner at me. This included hitting and beating me with the electrical cord or the hoses. You made Barbara feel so uncomfortable when she slept over and awoke to one of these mornings that you raged at me, that she left without saying anything. She just walked home with her sleeping bag and belonging. I was so fucking embarrassed that you would do that when I had a friend over. You never apologized because nothing was or is ever your responsibility.

I am so fucking angry with you. When I was still in my crib, to get me to stop crying you would put a pillow over my face or pinch me. Or just walk away!! I eventually learned not to cry even as I got older. All because you abused me. When and before we moved to Grandma’s and Grandpa’s, you used to hit me in the mouth. Then, as I got older you would slap me in the face or slug me in the back and most of the time I never knew the reason why. You were such a sadistic bitch because you would show me the bruise on your hand and make a joke about it. I hate you so much.

When we lived in the duplex, once you came into my room while I was on a chair dusting my bookcase. You came in and slapped me out of the blue causing me to fall off the chair and for it to topple. You didn’t say anything and just left. I didn’t say anything and just continued to dust. I am so enraged because by then, I learned not to cry, to numb the pain out and not to discuss it. You really screwed up my life with your abuse because I learned to do that to protect myself from you. I was always at fault, because you never had the guts enough to take any responsibility instead I now take responsibility for things that have nothing to do with me.

I remember you calling me evil and bad all the time. You reinforced that by the salt and leaving the devil or death tarot card in my room. Yes, I knew it was you. You even told me when “Rosemary’s Baby” was on television that you wish you would have set me on fire in my crib just like she did. You threatened to push me out of the moving car, push or throw me through the window or just leave me somewhere. The worst part is all the things that you said to me in which I have really struggled with my whole life and still do. You really fucked me up!!!

I hate you because you did so much damage to me that I have been in therapy for two decades and have had four psychiatric hospitalizations. It has cost me significantly financially and permanently emotionally. You were never there for me as a mother and I thank God for Arleen, Michael, Grandpa and Grandma for they allowed me to be a child and expressed love, compassion and caring toward me. I don’t even think that you are capable of doing that. You are so egocentric. When or if you did showed any affection, it always feels fake like it is something you “should” do or that you want something from me. There is so much more, but I cannot go any further. It would really take a whole book. But, you really fucked up my life and I have spent too much time trying to repair some of the damage that you have cost me. I don’t care if you take responsibility for your abuse or not because I know the truth. I would love to find a way for to you to pay for the bills because I have them because you fucked up my life.

I am still so enraged about the lies that you kept telling Arleen and Judy!! I wonder how many lies you told me and others.I do know now that you told me many, many, many lies about myself before and after I was 10 years old.


Just in case you forgot the things that YOU said to me…

I do not want any contact with you. I don’t know what this means in terms of family gatherings. I do not want you to touch me at all. I wrote this letter to you because I need to tell youhow much rage I have toward you, how much hatred, and the truth that you have never wanted to accept. I don’t care it you like it or not. This letter is the truth and reality of life in our family; whether you accept it or not. You will not take away anymore of my life…I am through with the world revoling around you. I am taking my life back and you will not win again. You already fucked up my life enough…got it bitch!!

(if you want to see a larger and more readable picture of the words above please go to the left side bar toward the end entitled, "Mommy Says.") I have also made some minor changes in the previous section, none of which are note worthy except for one at the beginning. The follow is what this letter will look like at the very beginning:

"A copy of this letter has been sent to everyone in the family because I want the family to know the truth. Like it or not this is the truth and others will finally know my pain and rage.

Susan,"

(Letter to Mother. This is only for my personal searchs as blogger does not search by tags, much to my dismay)

(Letter to mom. This is for search purposes only.)

Inspiration Dog?

see more dog and puppy pictures

I know that this is a funny picture. I personally love it. I also love Snoopy and labradors. The only thing that could have made it better is if it were a black lab. :-) I like the caption. For me almost anything or anyone can be an inspiration to you. Even Snoopy is an inspiration to me as his character does whatever he wants without thinking "should I?, won't others think? I'll look bad, etc...

Snoopy does what he wants without thinking about what others may say or think. Granted, he is in his own make believe world. (Oh, Peanuts isn't real...well, never mind...) We also should be mindful of others in a balance, but not to aware of others that it prevents us from being ourselves. My husband and friend do this very well and they are my inspirations, but so is Snoopy because he also reminds me to dream.

Share an unusual thing, character or someone who is an inspriration to you.

Letter To My Mother ~ Part III

You had so little sense of yourself that you needed others to tell you what to do. That is why you kept going to tarot card readers, psychics and others. You allowed the Medium on the Hill Church to beat me in front of everyone and were a part of holding me down…all in the name of “beating the devil out of me.” You listened to whatever Maye told you because you had no sense of your own, wanted someone else take responsibility for your decisions and didn’t want to lose Gene.

As a result of your decisions and lack of responsibility, I was emotionally, sexually and physically abused. At the beginning, it was Maye teaching me about parts of my body, mostly my genitals. In her “teaching,” she would insert her fingers and incense. The incense was a way of “purifying me and getting the devil to leave.” Sometimes, she would let it burn down far enough where I was burned and it hurt. I didn’t tell you anything by this point because you never believed what I said. I have so much rage at you because of the things that were done to me because you would not believe or listen to what I said. I was always, “dramatic, too sensitive, made up stories, or lied,” but the truth is that you never want to face the truth. You were the one who lied.

When I took naps at Maye and Bill’s, I was tied down and repeatedly raped by the men in the house which included objects both vaginally, anally and orally, asphyxiation, having socks stuffed in my mouth so that I couldn’t scream and being beaten with a belt or antenna or whatever was convenient usually between my legs. They all came back there under the guise of going to the restroom. Most mother’s would have checked on their kid who was taking a nap, but you never did which left me to be abused. I have so much rage toward you and I wonder how much you knew for you to sit there and see all these men go back and forth into the area where I was supposed to be sleeping. That is why I never wanted to take a nap. Gene and Bill were the primary abusers. Where the hell were you?!!

I never wanted you to drop me off at Maye and Bill’s or for you to leave me alone with Gene there. I told you, but again you never listened. I don’t really care if you believe any of the things that I have written, but I know the truth. And, you can believe it or not. If you aren’t in denial or trying to blame someone else for it, which is usually the case. You say, that you have never had to worry about me. It is more like you never wanted to, so didn’t. Well, you should have worried when I was at Gene’s parents.

Bill always seemed so calm and in the background, but he was horribly sadistic along with Gene. In the garage, again I was raped, tied up, beaten and other things that I will tell you because it is the truth and I want you to know it. The abuse also included a few other men. I was usually tied naked to the ping-pong table and raped and had things like the handle of a hammer, screwdriver, wood and whatever they found amusing and sadistic shoved into my vagina. There was also fisting, oral sex and genital beatings. I was often beaten on my rear and back of my legs…you must have ignored the bruises or I got really good at hiding them. You ignored the blood on my underwear.

Arleen and Michael tell me that I became quiet and withdrawn at this point in time and didn’t know why I hated Gene so much. But, you never noticed or blamed me for my “bad” behavior. Way before the point that Maye and Gene and others convinced you that I was evil, bad and deserved to die, you did that all on your own. You can deny it all you want, but you really do know this happened. I’ve gone through my whole life thinking and believing that I was evil, bad and needed to die. I have so much rage toward you for “brainwashing” me into those thoughts that I still struggle with today.

Back to the garage, Bill and Gene always found new and increasing sadistic ways of abusing me. I used to have popsicles inserted into my vagina and they would let the ants crawl on me and inside of me while I was forced to lay on the garage floor. Often, while tied to the ping-pong table they would put spiders and other bugs on me including snails. Once, Bill let a lizard go into my vagina. They would also insert ice into my vagina and anus and I would have to hold it and it really hurt, but either I couldn’t hold all the ice inside or it melted, but was told that I need to hold it. They made me think that I urinated on myself…either way I was beaten. I have so much rage for you not being able to tell what was going on and not asking why I didn’t want to be there and for not recognizing the signs. You just didn’t want to be a mother…you wanted to party and socialize with Maye and her friends or with yours which left me alone with these sadistic monsters.

I was terrified and being abused…where the hell were you? You should have known because there were enough signs. But, instead you couldn’t handle it. Grandma even says that she saw Gene doing subtle sexual things to me at their house which means he had to be doing it where you could see also. Again, you ignore that things are happening to me because then you would have to deal with it, take responsibility, take care of me and possibly lose Gene. Arleen and Michael even suspected. I hate you and feel so much rage toward you because you wouldn’t listen to me, see the signs and allowed horrendous things to happen to me. I can’t even begin to tell you how much this has taken away from my life…you wonder why I’ve been in therapy for so long. It is because you wouldn’t take the responsibility of being my mother.

I have so much pain and rage about how you treated me when it came to Gene. Sometimes, I would like to just kill you. Instead, I turned my anger toward myself leading to self-hatred, perfectionism, low self-esteem, suicidal thoughts, self-injury, depression, major depression, post-traumatic stress, eating disorder, dissociate disorder and four expensive hospitalizations. This past one was for 41 days mostly out of pocket causing us to max out two of our credit cards. I’ve struggled with all of these issues for as long as I can remember especially the suicidal thoughts and self-injury. I remember being two thinking I didn’t want to be and what it would be like to walk in front of a moving car. The self-injury started when the sexual abuse began. I started burning myself with incense.

If you knew, you would probably would not really listen, change the subject, get angry, defensive and blame others. I’m sure that some of this surprises you, but it is the truth like it or not. Believe it or not. But, I remember the truth of how you and Gene treated me. I can hear you say, “therapy is supposed to make you treat me better.” In actuality, therapy is for me to see and accept the truth in my life. It isn’t about you. It is for me and I am getting better which may mean that I cut you out of my life completely. Despite what you think, this would be a good thing! I am so fucking tired of trying to conform to what you want. By the way, don’t even begin to use my being a Christian against me because I can talk circles around you that you would never understand. I know that I am in God’s favor. I wonder, if you truly know where you stand with God.

I used to ask myself why you stayed with Gene when he was so abusive to you and I, but you just minimized or ignored it or lied to yourself. You didn’t even have the guts to stand up to him when you saw how verbally abusive he was to me…you just joined in because you didn’t like him to become angry with me because you might lose him. I also, ended up comforting you in which I have so much rage. I also have rage because you constantly would tell me that you were going to leave him and then wouldn’t follow through. Also, you would agree and side with me about how Gene was with me, only to turn around and take his side…so much betrayal. I feel so much rage toward you and not me for once. I fucking hate you for taking so much of my life and fucking it up. I’ve paid a huge cost, but not anymore because you will not win anymore.

(Letter to Mother. This is only for my personal searchs as blogger does not search by tags, much to my dismay)

(Letter to mom. This is for search purposes only.)

Letter To My Mother ~ Part II

Susan,

I know that you don’t want to hear the truth, but that’s tough because I need to tell you the truth to you whether you read this or not. I absolutely hate you for leaving me alone with Gene and for listening to Maye and him. You, constantly put me in danger because you ALWAYS picked him over me and believed what he said. The day I got two red stars on my behavior chart was because I didn’t want to play Monopoly with him. I wanted to play with my Barbie’s. So, he raped me not only with himself, but with the Barbie’s. But, you never asked me what happened even when you saw blood on my underwear. You never wanted to know the truth you just blamed me as did Gene and to top it off, you spanked me.

The constant threat of you telling me that, “I’d better watch what I do and say because Gene could kill me!” What kind of mother would constantly say that to her child…you sick bitch did. Which also implied that you knew he was dangerous; yet, you left me alone with him. During one of the first times, that I was left alone with him he raped me by knife point and at six he put a knife up to my neck and told me that he could kill me anytime he wanted to” This was not the last time he did that. I hate you for leaving me alone with him. You would even ignore him yelling at me then get angry at me. You always wondered why I hated him, well, a mother would have asked…bitch.

That is only the tip of the iceberg, but I will spare you some of the details for now because they are too sick to even put on paper. But, you are responsible for not listening to me and ignoring the signs…there are NO excuses for it. I’ve said them to myself my whole life, but not anymore. I feel so much rage toward you.

The teasing me about the tail, same old shoes, snail etc…were sadistic and you still tease me about them and it still hurts. All I wanted was some empathy which apparently you are incapable of and to share my excitement about the things I was learning in school. I learned to not share anything with you and to keep you out. So, it is not my fault that I keep you out of my personal business…it is yours and not mine. Your teasing was sadistic.

Whenever, you and Gene would argue and sometimes have physical fights, I was scared both at what was happening and also because I knew the anger was going to be directed at me. That was always the case. I was bad, I misbehaved…too much pressure for a child…and I was a child and not your “mother” although you tried to make me yours.

I was absolutely terrified with Gene and you knew it, but never asked or got us out of the situation because you were too scared not to be in a relationship. And, that took priority over my needs all the time. I remember, when you would get angry with him that the Vodka and the cigarettes that you hid in my underwear drawer (how sick is that) came out and I felt like I had to stay awake until the cigarettes were gone because I was afraid of you setting the couch on fire. Who was the mother here?

You always joke that from the time that I was born that I told you what to do. That was your doing to because you made me be attuned to you for my own safety. It got to the point when I know when you get fussy that you are tired, need to go to the restroom or are hungry. Who mothered who? I feel so much rage and cheated out of a childhood. The only time that I really got to be a child was with Arleen or Grandpa and Grandma and sometimes Michael. And, apparently when Gene came into the picture I saw them less until Gene started working.

(Letter to Mother. This is only for my personal searchs as blogger does not search by tags, much to my dismay)

(Letter to mom. This is for search purposes only.)