Southern California Wildfires

ClinicallyClueless aka cc reporting from wildfire country of Southern California actually in between and mostly south. I know that the information is out of date and they have a better handle on the fire, but this was written on Monday. Regarding the current fires, information is very fluid, so in trying to write this post it was tricky. The following video was from Monday morning, August 31, 2009:

Out of date YouTube

It is now Monday evening on August 31, 2009. And, have things changed. As the deleted video mentioned, last night it doubled to 85,000. This afternoon I took a nap and ate dinner about 7:00pm and decided to finish this post. Well, the Station fire has now consumed at least 105,000 acres. There are several different fires, but the Station fire is the largest and only has 5% containment and is impacting many cities. The fire line now extends about 134 square miles.

The fire is impacting four Southern California counties and smoke covers almost all of Los Angeles County. I'm at the southeastern end of Los Angeles County and when I go outside, I start coughing and my eyes sting. Even, if you don't smell the smoke, the air quality is impacting all of the surrounding areas and the wind spreads it.


Today, California Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger issued emergency declarations for four counties due to raging wildfires. This allows the State of California and it's residents to request Federal assistance if needed. 6,000 homes are now in mandatory evacuation areas and the numbers are expected to rise.

Mt. Wilson, the key of Los Angeles's communication towers and hub, is within a half-mile of the blaze. Damage to the towers can disrupt television and radio broadcasts, cellular telephone service, and communication between law enforcement and other agencies.

The loss of the towers on Mt. Wilson would cripple fire, police and other public works agencies across Southern California. The towers and antennas are used to communicate in the field and relay signals to the dispatch centers.

"These are extremely-crucial to the infrastructure and public safety protection, and the daily lives in the L.A. basin," said Mike Dietrich of the U.S. Forest Service.

(DC-10 dropping red fire retardant to slow the flames.)

No one seems to be stating a cause, so I believe that it was of natural causes as our forests if left alone do natually burn as a normal part of the ecosystem. The area of the flames has been in a drought for more than 3 years and it has about 60 years of dry unburned brush.

The people toll is something that is just a figure and doesn't begin to account for the emotional toll on everyone even those not directly involved. However, two firefighters were killed and one injured while trying to assist a couple who did not leave during mandatory evacuations. (They are called "mandatory", but they can't force you to leave. Basically, it is a term for "your home is in emminent danger, so leave!") The blaze has burned 53 home with 1000s more in danger and with containment at 5%.

Two residents were rescued and were badly burned as they tried to ride out the fire, but were unsuccessful. Today, another 5 residents also did not heed the warnings either and it became too dangerous for ground or air crews to rescue them. After attempts were made, they were basically told to ride it out. (At this point, it is unknown to this writer what has happened to them.)

I pray for all those involved, that the usual Santa Ana winds don't begin to feed the flames and for comfort for anyone that needs it. Especially, the firefighters and their families and most importantly those that were lost...I keep becoming tearful...they put themselves at risk everyday. Please, if you ever are in a situation like this and you are told that you need to leave please do so immediately. Otherwise you put the rescue workers at risk, take them away from helping with the fire or someone else who may be in danger.

I know that I've asked this question before and we have had similar things like this, but what ten items not including family would you take?

Too Tired To Twrite

Between my upper respitory problems and being tired all the time and my therapy, delving into my current journal entry seems to be a bit too much for me. So, I will pick it up next week. I will try to put in something else of interest for the next few days. Thank you for sticking it out with me.

Past Journal Entry: 12/30/05 to 1/2/06 ~ Part II

PAST JOURNAL ENTRY: 12/30/05 to 1/2/06 ~ Part II

This is the second in series of entries from December 12, 2005 to January 2, 2006. My therapist is away on vacation and I am angry and taking it out on my husband. I am also having difficulty as I am fragmenting. At this point, I have a really difficult time with my therapist being away (borderline fear of abandonment and feeling "bad" about myself.) I still have difficulty, but not as much...well, as I read it...maybe, it was still a major issue.

Geoffrey,

...Yesterday and today, I woke up too late to work when I planned, so I'm feeling bad that I haven't done anywork and feeling anxious...like if I don't get caught up this weekend that I'm going to lose my job. Also, feeling bad that I accidently put one of my new tops in the dryer when it is supposed to lay flat, so it shrank some.

Also, feeling really angry with you...that I don't matter, you don't care, you're not coming back, I don't want to see you anymore, etc...I don't feel like I can handle this and I am really wanting to cut...making you not exist. I am fragmenting big time where I can't take into account anything except that he is not here for me.

Feeling bad that I've had difficulty scheduling things. Still having flashbacks. Sometimes, I just feel like screaming and just want to die..

Tonight, Friday, I became angry with my husband and am currently locked in the bedroom. We were going to watch "Fame" together, but I couldn't get the remote to work, buut he could. He told me to push the buttons harded and I showed him the light was indicating that I was pressing hard enough. I pushed a pile of magazines on the floor thinking that they might be in the way.

It didn't help, so I tossed the remote in my husband's direction hitting him in the leg or somewhere. He said, "ouch," then mad a motion like he was going to throw it...sort of mimicking me and asked, "why do you throw things?" I got up to leave, but he grabbed me and said he was sorry and didn't mean to make fun of me. He eventually let go and I slammed the beedroom door and locked myself in.

My husband really scared me when he acted like he was going to throw the remote. Then, I became angry that he was mimcking me and that he grabbed me. I really wand to cut and don't care about the promises that I made to you.

I'm feeling really bad...I just want to die. (Feeling bad was the whole goal although I didn't know it at the time. All roads lead to bad. I was angry at my therapist for being on vacation, couldn't express it properly and took it out on my husband, which in turn made be feel "bad." Partialy because it wasn't okay to be angry.)

Sometimes, the thought, "I hate you for leaving" runs through my head. Makes me feel worse. I really wish I didn't forget the mug (whenever, he went away, I would have his coffee mug with his name engraved until he came back). Reading the cards just seems to make me more angry because I don't have a current one, but the Christmas gift helps especially what it is...feels so confusing...and I want to cry because you are gone and I want to scream, one because I'm angry. Feel bad about both...want to make you not exist. (if he doesn't exist, then there is no connection, so I'm not angry or hurt...it doesn't "matter")

Obviously, I'm having difficulty for him just being gone for a week. It always kicks up some sort of crisis, so that he is "abandoning" me in my time of need. I am also still working, but the flashbacks, nightmares, inability to sleep, inability to focus are getting worse. Looking back, I really should not have been working.

REMEMBER THIS IS A PASTJOURNAL ENTRY.

To be continued.....

Worship in Song ~ "Praise You In This Storm" ~ Casting Crowns

Praise You in This Storm
words by Mark Hall/music by Mark Hall and Bernie Herms

I was sure by now,God, that You would have reached down
and wiped our tears away,
stepped in and saved the day.
But once again, I say amen
and it's still raining
as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain,
"I'm with you"
and as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise
the God who gives and takes away.

Chorus:
And I'll praise you in this storm
and I will lift my hands
for You are who You are
no matter where I am
and every tear I've cried
You hold in your hand
You never left my side
and though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

I remember when I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry to You
and raised me up again
my strength is almost gone how can I carry on
if I can't find You
and as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
and as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise
the God who gives and takes away

Chorus

I lift my eyes onto the hills
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth
I lift my eyes onto the hills
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth

Chorus

Reality Invades Denial & Fantasy

Hello Everyone!!

I don't feel like delving into my journal just yet...it is a rather intense entry that will take 3-4 more posts. I'll probably start again next week. I hate it when reality shows up. I'd really rather stay in denial or into my little world of fantasy. But, then I never deal with the real world.

Well, over the past few of weeks, my aunt has been slowing telling me things that she remembered about my childhood. We are only ten years apart. And, my mother was barely 20 years old. This has been quite difficult as it makes it harder to deny how bad things were. Basically, my aunt raised me although she was only a teenager.

When my mother separated from my father before I was four (I'm not sure how old I was). My grandparents decided that for my safety that we should move in with them. Reportedly, she had no sense of responsibility at all or how her choices impacted others. She hated that I looked more like my father.

My aunt says that my mother "would go out ALL the time and Grandma tried repeatedly to tell Susan to be a mother and take care of you. I guess, you can figure out that she didn't listen. She was young, restless and angry." Basically, it was only my aunt and I together almost all of the time.

"You became not only mine to love and take care of...I'm glad I was the...I got to see all the joys of you grow up that your mother missed." She also said that my mother hit me all the time when we lived with them and used to hit me in the mouth. This was in front of everyone. I was twenty-two (?) the last time that she hit me which was when she slugged me in the back.

My mother tends to tell others what to do, but will not listen to anyone else. Observations from spouses is that my mother is out right mean to me at times, now. And, will often ignore me. When I was a infant, I used to cry for my mother, but she ignored me and even if she was in the same room, she would just leave without acknowledging me. She partied all the time leaving me alone with my aunt and grandparents. My aunt was the only one who could calm me down.

I have always thought that my mother didn't want me. My aunt said, "...I can't say that isn't true because I don't know...how she felt...she was yound, rebellious and was, in no way, ready or realling to be a mother. She wanted to be young and free and party. She wasn't responsible...your grandparents just gought with her to try to make her act more mature and responsible and in here actions said, "F you."

My grandmother also reported to my aunt that she saw my step-father sitting on his lap and moving me in sexual ways on him. This was in the open with others home. I told my therapist that I can't image what he did when no one was there. He said, "yes, you do." Sigh.

To say the least it has been a really rough the last few weeks and emotionally I am drained with also having to deal with my health problems...I'm still in wait mode. However, today I have my CT scan, but the don't take my blood until September. I had three doctor appointments last week and that didn't include my five days of therapy. (I had an extra session because of how all this is affecting me. I'm really and angry and sad. The suicidal thoughts and self-harm urges are back...damn it. Happens everytime I try dealing with my anger with my mother. I just hope I can hold it together so as to not need hospitalization which we can't afford.

Hard to deny how bad it really was and makes the other things that I remember hard to deny. (I'm tearful now...)

People who are gay are twice as likely to seek mental health treatment

I don't feel like writing today, so with Kathleen Blanchard's RN consent, I will give you a little snippet. Then, to read the rest of the very interesting information go to EmaxHealth. Thank you Kathleen.

According to the results of a new study, gays are twice as likely to seek mental health treatment, mostly from discrimination, violence, and stressful life events.

Susan Cochran, in conjunction with a team of researchers from the University of California, Los Angeles, examined data collected from 2074 people interviewed in the California Health Interview Survey to find that 48.5% ...

To read additonal findings findings of the survey and interesting facts go to EmaxHealth.

Past Journal Entry: 12/30/05 to 1/2/06

PAST JOURNAL ENTRY: 12/30/05 to 1/2/06

This begins a series of entries from December 12, 2005 to January 2, 2006. My therapist is away on vacation and I am angry and taking it out on my husband. I am also having difficulty as I am fragmenting. At this point, I have a really difficult time with my therapist being away (borderline fear of abandonment and feeling "bad" about myself.) I still have difficulty, but not as much.

Geoffrey,

I am having a really tough time and I haven't been able to journal. I've either been too tired or I haven't been home. Feels like my emotions are all over the place. Feeling really angry, really hurt, abandoned, confused, bad. I'm wanting to scream and really hurt myself. Feeling like I don't matter...making everyone not exist. (due to anger for feeling abandoned and if no one exist, neither do I...borderline trait.)

Wednesday night, I was able to finally sleep without any nightmares. However, last night, was difficult because I kept having nightmares of getting spanked or slapped of generally just feeling trapped and scared. (My therapist and I had been discussing some of what my mother did, so I was having nightmares and flashbacks.)

I'm glad that you were able to call me back on Tuesday. I don't know what really happened, except I became scared when my husband got frustrated and stressed out with the drive to the mall and I didn't respond to my trying to help him calm down. I became really scared, thought he was angry at me when he slammed to car door saying he was going for a walk. (this was quite uncharacteristic of him) I sat there for awhile, then I walked through the parking lot making cars stop and then through the mall to the other side.

I was really angry and and just sat on a bench with my knees and just rocking. I briefly went to the restroom and warmed up. I knew he was angry because he had left the car for more than one hour and hadn't called me, so I was afraid to call him. He did call, but I wasn't interactive. Eventually, we talked and he said that he was never angry with me. We were able to do some shopping after that. (During this whole time, I was really fragmenting because I didn't know what to do with my anger which was mainly due to my anger with my therapist being away. I also knew that my husband was angry, but was not admitting it.)

Wednesday morning was really bad. I wanted to go to the bank early, but we both got up late. When I was ready to go, he wasn't. I became angry and left to the bank without him. Felt band and felt even worse that I had forgot to transfer funds two to three weeks ago, so I went into overdraft protection. And, I just became angrier, but was ready to go shopping and run errands as planned. What I told was that I was going to the bank without him.

When I came home and parked the car and left saying, he was going to the post office, so I figured he was angry with me as he was going in the same direction that we had planned to go and that I had already parked the car. I went into the house and got things together and into warmer clothing as it was slightly raining. When he came home, we argued and I left without him...I scared myself as I was driving too fast especially on turns as I slid. I went to the Hallmark store and he called apologizing and admitted that he was angry with me. I came home and we ran errand and had a good time shopping. I still was feeling bad and really wanting to cut. I felt bad because he didn't want to be with me.

(Besides the anger, I was feeling bad, so I set things up to make me feel worse...borderline trait again.)

REMEMBER THIS IS A PASTJOURNAL ENTRY.

To be continued.....

"Fingerprints of God" ~ Steven Curtis Chapman ~ Worship in Song

When an engineer owns a dog!!!

My husband, who is an engineer, was absolutely facinated trying to figure out how it works, how it was put together and if he could build one himself. Thing is we don't own a dog!!! My husband was born to be an engineer. I hope that you enjoy this...you don't have to be an engineer. I was watching the dog.