An Ode To Mr. Theodor Seuss Geisel

I wrote this poem (or at least an attempt at one) as my husband and I were unable to attend my niece's baby shower. We were all supposed to bring a favorite children's book to start a library. Dr. Seuss would have been my choice. (Although, the book pictured is not a children's book, it is appropriate for the readers and contributors! )

At your shower, we wanted to be
So sad that we couldn't be
Pain, coughing and sleep is me.

But, tell me?
Will green eggs and ham be what you eat?
Will it be on Mulberry Street?

Dr. Seuss for you we wanted to bring,
But, figured that many others would too
Then, there would be a litter of cats in hats
And more than one or two fish
Snagles of sneetches, herds of Hortons,
foxes with socks, and could be a Lorax or two, of course

From Dr. Seuss baby will learn
Oh the things that you can do are good for you
And, she will learn about eyes, feet, teeth, ABCs, and sleep!
And, about Wockets in Pockets and the Grinch
Oh, about Yertle the Turtle and Hunches in Bunches
Oh, and how to run a zoo.

Then, again everyone might just Hop on Pop
And, we would all have a good time.
Who knows they all might stay!
But, a gift certificate is coming your way.

What children's author or book would you have given?

Past Journal Entry ~ December 23, 2005 ~ Part II

Possibly Triggering ~ violent content

Past Journal Entry ~ December 23, 2005 ~ Part II

Part of the purpose of this blog was to share past entries from my journal and add my current perspective. Well, between my health problems, my dealing with mental illness and three hospitalizations, I was side tracked. Today, I thought that I would go back to sharing my journal entries. The last one I wrote was in January and the journal entry was for December 22, 2005. I was having difficulty with flashbacks and thoughts of suicide, self-injury and violent fantasies. Remember that my journal entries are addressed to my therapist, Geoffrey. Today is a continuation of December 23, 2005...

Geoffrey,

...And, yes, a way to disconnect from the reality of the situation. I think that is why this week has been so difficult with being present with you...I always try to disconnect with you before you go on vacation, the holidays and stressful as is wanting to catch up on work...and just trying to work..and just trying to grasp the reality of what it was like growing up is so intense...the rage, terror and pain.

I keep wanting and making it different, but I know that it wasn't. It is really tough and I feel like my emotions start going all over the place and I don't have control. And the wanting to die, take the pills, cut, burn, stabbing myself and/or burn gets so loud...it was really bad all the time...and angry, terrified and hurt.

Sometimes, it just feels like I'm reliving it all over again only this time it is repetitive and isn't really happening, but the feelings, images, and sensations are quite real...sometimes, it is hard to pull out of it; therefore, that I'm safe and nothing is going to harm me and no one is going to be angry or hit me. Sometimes, I feel so threatened and terrified of everything.

Although this was written almost four years ago, I still struggle with these issues. The suicidal thought and self-injury urges are is why I went into the hospital. I became "loud" and I knew that I was headed into dangerous territory. The focus on my therapy now is accepting how bad it really was growing up. My aunt recently verified some of what I didn't want to know which just makes it harder to deny...but I try. This is a long and painful process. However, I see improvement when I stick to pushing through this...it is worth it.

Remember that this is a Past Journal Entry from 2005.

Past Journal Entry ~ December 23, 2005

Possibly Triggering ~ violent content

Past Journal Entry ~ December 23, 2005

Part of the purpose of this blog was to share past entries from my journal and add my current perspective. Well, between my health problems, my dealing with mental illness and three hospitalizations, I was side tracked. Today, I thought that I would go back to sharing my journal entries. The last one I wrote was in January and the journal entry was for December 22, 2005. I was having difficulty with flashbacks and thoughts of suicide, self-injury and violent fantasies. Remember that my journal entries are addressed to my therapist, Geoffrey. Today I'll start with December 23, 2005...

Geoffrey,

Last evening and this morning were not as loud (with the thoughts of suicide and self-injury) because we were busy. However, the first thought when I woke up was stabbing my thigh with a knife. I woke up at 4 am and couldn't go back to sleep. I kept having nightmares and flashbacks all night, but was able to fall back to sleep.

Like I said to you yesterday, what I wanted to do and the images, I'm having are really horrible as they are so bloody. I used to imagine just taking the screwdriver (which was used to sexually abuse me) when my step-father was on top of me in the van and stabbing him and that his blood would be all over and that his blood would be all over the pads on the floor, the walls, the seats and me...I just wanted to repeatedly stab him until after he was dead. (I was wanting enraged and wanted to hurt him with the things that he hurt me with.)

When we were in the apartment, I remember, thinking about taking a kitchen knife and in the morning after my mother left, standing on the bed and with all my force stabbing him repeatedly until he was dead and blood was everywhere.I also remember thinking of stabbing myself in the leg or stomach hoping that I would die. (Again, an expression of anger and self-protection

When I was a teenager, it progressed to using the chef's knife (which was used to threaten me), but first drugging both my mother and step-father. Sometimes, it would be just my step-father, sometimes it would be both. But, every time ended in my killing myself.

I realized this week that , I stared bruising myself when my father was around, but then I would hit myself in the legs with my fists. When my step-father came around, I still used my fists, but also started to use objects and burning my fingers. (I was angry at myself and others, but had no outward way of safely expressing it. Also, at a very young age, I felt like I was "bad" and needed to be punished.)

Everything got worse and more self-injurious as I became older I was cutting or scratching sometimes drawing blood. The bruising progressed to almost daily during the summer. Most of the time, I was hurting myself without even knowing how I go there. (I was disassociating)

I think it was a way I could express my anger and pain. It was also a pain that I could control. Feeling bad or at fault for the things that happened. (meaning my abuse)

There is more for this entry, but this is enough for today. I have more insight to share, but I will do that when I finish this day. Remember that this is a Past Journal Entry from 2005.

To be continued...

Worship In Song ~ "All Things New" by Steven Curtis Chapman

Steven Curtis Chapman - "All Things New"

You spoke and made the sunrise, to light up the very first day
You breathed across the water, and started the very first wave
It was You
You intoduced Your glory, to every living creature on earth
And they started singing, the first song to ever be heard
They sang for You

You make all things new
You make all things new

Then the world was broken, fallen and battered and scarred
You took the hopeless, the life, wasted, ruined and marred
And made it new

You make all things new
You make all things new
You redeem and You transform
You renew and You restore
You make all things new
You make all things new
And forever we will watch and worship You

You turn winter into spring
You take every living thing
And You breathe Your breath of life into it over and over again

You made the sunrise, day after day after day
But there's a morning coming, when old things will all pass away
And everyone will see

You make all things new
You make all things new
Come redeem and come transform
Come renew and come restore
You make all things new
You make all things new
And forever we will watch and worship You

Now and forever You are making all things new
You're making all things new

Hallelujah...

One of the buzz words lately is mindfulness. Also, it is being used for the treatment of mood disorders. What is mindfulness? Mindfulness is the act of being aware of our thoughts, emotions and body in the moment without judgement. For me, it is just letting myself “be” who I am at that moment without self-judgement which takes me on a different pathway. Self-judgement, thinking about the past or the future often gets in the way of being mindful.

The more aware you are the better you are able to handle things that come up in life or just day to day events. But, it easy to become distracted. Mindfulness can take the form of nothing more than taking three successive breaths while remembering they are a conscious experience of body activity within mind. This approach is particularly helpful when it is difficult to establish a regular meditation practice.

Most often we are usually in a state of mindlessness...okay stop laughing. Or "zoned out"

Examples are:

• While driving, you don't remember the experience or which roads you took.
• While having a conversation, you suddenly realize you don't know what the other person is talking about.
• While having a conversation, you're already thinking about what you are going to say.
• While reading, you suddenly realize that you have no idea of what you just read.
• After putting down something, you can't remember where you just put it.
• While taking a shower, you're thinking about something else and then don't know if you washed your hair or some other body part.

Mindfulness is an English translation from Eastern practices. I believe in its usefulness on many levels. Wikipedia states, "Mindfulness is awareness of one's thoughts, actions or motivations. Mindfulness (Pali: Sati; Sanskrit: smṛti स्मृति) plays a central role in the teaching of the Buddha where it is affirmed that 'correct' or 'right' mindfulness (Pali:samm?-sati; Sanskrit samyak-sm?ti) is an essential factor in the path to enlightenment and liberation. It is the seventh element of the Noble Eightfold Path, the sadhana of which is held in the tradition to engender 'insight' and 'wisdom' (Sanskrit: prajñ?)."

I also think of this in terms of Christian ideas, which I won't get into here. To me, Examples are practicing Gods presence, silent prayer, Quakers, being still before God. However, mindfulness differs in that you are not trying to hear God, but hear yourself. But, in order to really hear God, you have to hear yourself and be quiet. To me, mindfulness, is the step just before you hear or sense God's presence. Now, remember this is my opinion. I'm not looking for a debate.

One of the essential keys to mindfulness is breathing and meditation. Practice it with this video. (Remember this is only a part of mindfulness. It is much more complex.)

So how was that for you and what is your experience with mindfulness or meditations?

Validation & Free Parking ~ SMILE!!!

Validation ~ "In psychology and human communication, validation is the reciprocated communication of respect which communicates that the other's opinions are acknowledged, respected, heard, and (regardless whether or not the listener actually agrees with the content), they are being treated with genuine respect as a legitimate expression of their feelings, rather than marginalized or dismissed."

We all need to receive and expresss validation and affirmations. It does help everyone to feel good and SMILE!!! :D

Please take the time to watch this video that was brought to my attention by John of Storied Mind. Go take a look about his poignant, thought provoking, and from the heart blog about depression. Please watch the whole video even though the beginning is a bit long...the ending is worth the wait.

"Validation" is a fable about the magic of free parking. Starring TJ Thyne & Vicki Davis. Writer/Director/Composer - Kurt Kuenne

Worship In Song ~ "The Christ In You" by Shawn Thomas

Health Update ~ Waiting!!

Last Thursay, I found out the result of my blood work. I have one low antibody per the nurse practitioner and I was sent for more blood work. I asked many questions, but was referred to speak with my allergist who requested the blood work. I kinda...well panicked later as I didn't understand what all that meant and my allergist and pulmonologist were unavailable, and the nurse mentioned something about an infusion.

I then, called my primary care physician, who told me not to be alarmed and that the nurse practioner should have given me that type of information. She then, spoke with my allergist and they are puzzled and there are probably going to be more tests. My PCP, who I've had for 18 years, is very good and knows me quite well. She is also going to consult with my pulmonologist.

Needless to say I am quite scared and frustrated because I do not know what all this means and what it could mean...I really am getting tired of all this, but at least there is a reason for my symptoms (shortness of breath, fatigue, wheezing, etc..). I am in wait mode as I won't have any answer regarding my blood work until at the earliest next week. I don't do well with waiting.

I've kept my sense of humor and faith in God. I have a wonderfully supportive husband and a good support system. My therapist has been really supportive. I just hate the waiting and all sorts of things run through my head...so what is new about that!

I do apologize that this blog has become my place to air my health problems instead of a mental health blog. I promise that will change soon.

"The Heart of Worship" ~ Worship in Song