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A key word that you will see:

Fragmentation: a mental process where a person becomes intensely emotionally focused on one aspect of themselves, such as “I am angry” or “no one loves me,” to the point where all thoughts, feelings and behavior demonstrate this emotional state, in which, the person does not or is unable to take into account the reality of their environment, others or themselves and their resources. This is a term that my therapist and I use and is on the continuum of dissociation.

Thursday, December 17, 2009

Turn the Water Off!!

I've been having quite a difficult time in therapy. Some due to the fallout from my letter to my mother. I sure have discovered who is my real family. Quite painful. The lack of responsiveness from my mother has been hurtful. I am coming to terms with that I will never receive from her the things that I have always hoped for and tried to obtain, that she is really sick, that most of my family is quite shallow and unsupportive, my aunt (only ten years older) is emotionally my mother, and not going to the holidays this year and no one expressing any interest in my decision, no one expressing concern for my health and many others.
However, all this pales in God's biggest gift to me this year...reconnecting with my aunt and her partner. It feels so good to have them back in my life after more than 15 years.
In therapy, for the last three sessions, I've just sobbed. I keep tearing up all the time. Feels like grief of who I thought was my family, letting go of my wishes that my mother would move toward me and other things mixed in that I don't yet understand. Needless to say, I am exhausted between therapy, my continued respiratory problems and my shingles...I am tired of being sick.
Sorry, but all of this has disrupted my posting. However, things are getting better...emotionally, I think.


Fat Bastardo said...

I wonder if my fear of dying has turned off my normally ravenous appetite and if fear of living turns off the appetite of thinlings. My recent hospitalization for my fall down an escalator landed me in a hospital and they nearly killed me. I suspect that my lack of appetite is organic but it could be emotional.

For you I would say, What was was What is is and what are you going to do about it. A wise man once told me that we are here because were here because were here because were here. I'm still not sure what that means.

Another wise man once said. "I think therefore I am." but I think he got it wrong. It should be; I am therefore I think. Don't you think?

Another wise man said that the stars are matter and we are matter and that it doesn't matter.

I suspect that many EDs are organic. A zinc deficiency can cause a loss of appetite. I just started taking zinc supplements in hope that I get hungry again.

If you have read my blog you would know that self esteem is a flawed and dangerous concept because it is conditional. Real love is unconditional so if we predicate how we view ourselves on any criteria then that love is conditional. My advice to you is to love yourself no matter what. I hope this helps.

You are already better. You are nearly healed.

Fat Bastard.

Anonymous said...

Wow. At the age of forty, and suffering suicidal depression, I finally cracked and sent my mother a short letter alluding to some of the neglect and abuse she doled out when I was a kid. I got a short breathless response on my answerphone - she claims not to remember anything, to be shocked at my letter and that even if peoples' childhoods had been bad that we are all responsible for our own lives and choices. So, yeah - no acceptance of blame, no responsibility - she continues to be emotionally unavailable and incapable of emotionally soothing me. Like you, I have realised there is nothing to be gained from pressing her. There will not even be confessions on the deathbed or anything similarly dramatic.

Clueless said...


Thank you for sharing as your comment made me feel like I wasn't so alone. I'm sorry for your situation. It is heart wrenching to try to discover and accept who my mother is. Blessings for your journey.

Isaiah 49 :15 -16

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