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Thank you for visiting. Content MAY BE TRIGGERING ESPECIALLY FOR THOSE WHO HAVE EXPERIENCED ABUSE, STRUGGLE WITH SELF-INJURY, SUICIDE, DEPRESSION OR AN EATING DISORDER. Contains graphic descriptions of suicidal thoughts, self-injury and emotional, physical and sexual abuse. Do not read further if you are not in a safe place. If you are triggered, please reach out to your support system, a mental health professional or call 911.
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A key word that you will see:
Fragmentation: a mental process where a person becomes intensely emotionally focused on one aspect of themselves, such as “I am angry” or “no one loves me,” to the point where all thoughts, feelings and behavior demonstrate this emotional state, in which, the person does not or is unable to take into account the reality of their environment, others or themselves and their resources. This is a term that my therapist and I use and is on the continuum of dissociation.
Well, yesterday was quite a day. I had a telephone session with my psychiatrist and told him about the pornography. He was very supportive, but I was sooooo anxious and embarrassed. He explained that it was completely understandable. It was tough just letting someone else in; however, I am relieved.
Then, as pre scheduled, I met with my pastor who I have know for over thirty years when I was in High School and him in College...we've quite literally grown up together. And, he has been the one that I confided in the most especially when I wasn't in therapy. Since, I haven't been able to go to church due to my anxiety and depression, we have met periodically. Even though, I haven't been to church in years, I still feel very close to God.
Anyway, I must have been feeling brave yesterday because I also told him about the pornography. He has indicated earlier that he doesn't necessarily that it is wrong that it is a more of a grey area. Anyway, he laughed and said, "only you would come up with a way to make pornography a healing thing." He was quite accepting, understanding and very open minded. I had a good time catching up one things at church and updating him on what has been going on with me. He said that he always feels inspired when he talks with me...I felt really good about that.
With telling both my psychiatrist and my therapist and writing about this on my blog and receiving comments, I am feeling better about myself and accepting in a non-judgemental way what I am doing as it is healing...funny place to find healing.
6 comments:
Keep telling your story. Healing begins when we start telling what happened.
You are a Whole and Holy Child of God. It is good to hear you are healing.
Wanda, thank you...this has been a tough think to write about.
Pastor Sharon. Thank you. Healing continues...
It is great to see that still get to maintain that relationship with your pastor even though you aren't able to attend services. What a blessing.
We heal however we can. Not everything works for everybody. Glad you have the support of your minister and your therapist. Talking and writing about incest have both helped me to heal.
Thank you Patricia. Your encouragement means alot to me. I did react to the word incest like denying that that was it is.
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