Anger...sucks!!

Well, another post about anger, as suggested.  Monday's session started with me going over how my eating has been and I haven't been meeting my goal of six times per day.  Somewhere, in dealing with my anger I just said, "f**k" it to myself.  Both my eating and my attitude are defenses, so I employed another defense and became angry with my therapist.  (I think, I went in there wanting to pick a fight)  All of these are defenses against my feeling my anger which also helps me to accept who my mother and step-father are/were.

With my step-father, I keep saying that it wasn't that bad or that I don't really remember it.  This falls right in line with my mother telling me that "they were young and tried our best.  I know you think that you had a bad childhood, but it wasn't.  Your step-father even wanted to adopt you, but you refused!."

No, validation, no responsibility, no maternal instinct, no acknowledgement of who I am and she will always "ignore" who I am.  She always has.  I'm really pissed off at her really never seeing who I am or taking care of me.  When as a teenager took an overdose of Tylenol, they came into emergency yelling at me about how stupid I was, that I was just wanting attention and would the school have to know.  It was so bad that the nurses and doctors had to have them leave.  Well, so much about what I had done and who the hell cared about what I was feeling...I didn't matter to them.

Again, my mother closed her eyes and didn't get me medical care when I had blood on my panties twice.  She ignored it, just like she ignores me now.  It really makes me angry that I still try to get her to notice me when obviously she is not capable to do so and always has.  It wasn't like she didn't take me to specialists or the doctor...I went to a dermatologist and an opthomologist.  She just didn't want to know that I was being abused...f**k her.

She still has not acknowledged my letter that I sent to her late in 2009 (which I posted here).  The letter was very explicit about my abuse and how I felt about her.  No, the bitch calls everyone else in the family telling them that I have always been deeply disturbed and I had a bad therapist who planted those memories!!  As a mother, I would think that one would call your daughter to discuss it...no, not my mother.  No mention, acknowledgement or contact since.  Being that she is Borderline, I'm thinking that I'm in the all bad category...ya' think!

I'm really pissed that she listen to my step-father's mother who did awful things to me and was part of everyone telling me or letting me know in subtle ways that I was evil or the devil.  She didn't have enough sense of herself and listened to all the lies she was told...she really screw me the hell up.  I want to send her a bill for all my therapy, hospitalizations, mileage and medications.  My therapist, I also agree, that she wouldn't believe it and would tell me that I'm making it all up!!

Fuck, Fuck, Fuck!!!  I don't want to believe this and don't want to feel my anger!  But, I do want to get better, so I need to go through this!!  And, "hell no," I'm not going to the hospital again because I can't manage my anger in healthy ways.