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Thank you for visiting. Content MAY BE TRIGGERING ESPECIALLY FOR THOSE WHO HAVE EXPERIENCED ABUSE, STRUGGLE WITH SELF-INJURY, SUICIDE, DEPRESSION OR AN EATING DISORDER. Contains graphic descriptions of suicidal thoughts, self-injury and emotional, physical and sexual abuse. Do not read further if you are not in a safe place. If you are triggered, please reach out to your support system, a mental health professional or call 911.

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A key word that you will see:

Fragmentation: a mental process where a person becomes intensely emotionally focused on one aspect of themselves, such as “I am angry” or “no one loves me,” to the point where all thoughts, feelings and behavior demonstrate this emotional state, in which, the person does not or is unable to take into account the reality of their environment, others or themselves and their resources. This is a term that my therapist and I use and is on the continuum of dissociation.

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

Reality Number 2

Either in May or July I start a series entitled reality. It will be scattered throughout my blog as I learn or struggle with an issue. As a way of coping with things I grew up with as a child, I developed a fantasy world. Not the fairy tale kind, but one that made sense out of an overwhelming, abusive and chaotic environment. This makes it hard to accept and deal with reality now as I want to stay in my fantasy. Problem is most of my fantasy means that "I did something wrong, I can control it, I am bad." The list could go on, but basically it all comes down to "I am bad." This issue is such a struggle for me. Acceptance instead of judgement is a tough transition to make, but it is the only way toward healing and it has taken me a long way to get here.  The I am "bad" issue is a core issue for those diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder.

FANTASY: Being sexually abused was not a big deal.  It was no different than other people.

REALITY: I was sadistically and savagely abused by multiple men while tied or held down on a repeated basis.  This is not "normal" sexual abuse.


Wanda's Wings said...

It is amazing what a child can do to survive. Hoping this will bring some healing to you.

Shen said...


I struggle with the "I am bad" message - in fact, that's what I just was working on in therapy, an hour ago. I go back and forth with the borderline thing. I am told i don't have it but have some symptoms of it. another time I was told I did not have it, but have mimicked the behavior of it (because my father likely has it).

Either way, if I am showing symptoms or behaviors... I'm not sure how that is different from "having" it. If it walks like a duck and talks likd a duck...


I hear you about the fantasy. I hope you are doing okay today. It isn't easy to face reality, but I believe it's worth it.

Anonymous said...

CC, I have read your blog posts about the abuse you suffered, and I wholeheartedly agree that what you went through was probably one of the most awful things a person (or a child!) can go through. I remember reading the posts and feeling sickened by the thought that a person could do that to another.

But that being said, I don't think there's such thing as "'normal' sexual abuse." All sexual abuse is reprehensible. That being said, what you went through was exceptionally horrible.


Wishing you well,

Interruption said...

I am sorry you struggle with "I am bad". You are definitely right, it is very hard to overcome. I was feeling that way earlier and my T tried to put a positive spin on it...but it's like it does not want to sink in...BUT WE ARE NOT BAD...THEY WERE BAD!
Take care!

Clueless said...

@ Wanda. Thank you so much for your support...it really means a lot for me.

@ Shen. Your last part was funny. Yes, I believe that symptoms need to be addressed regardless of what you diagnose you put on it. When I was working, I didn't really look at the diagnosis until I met them for the first few times. I did scan it, but I didn't want it to influence how I approached them. I didn't want pre conceived ideas of how they were going to be. Yesterday, was a pretty good day, but difficult. Today's post which I still need to write will explain it.

@ NOS. You are right on all levels. Again, I really appreciate your support and encouragement.

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