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A key word that you will see:

Fragmentation: a mental process where a person becomes intensely emotionally focused on one aspect of themselves, such as “I am angry” or “no one loves me,” to the point where all thoughts, feelings and behavior demonstrate this emotional state, in which, the person does not or is unable to take into account the reality of their environment, others or themselves and their resources. This is a term that my therapist and I use and is on the continuum of dissociation.

Thursday, July 21, 2011

Anger

Well, I just came back from my therapy session that went a half hour extra.  I can tell that I am holding much of my anger in as my body is quite tight especially my throat, chest and stomach.  I ended up talking mostly about my anger toward my stepfather's mother who was a sick, fucking, bitch.  She used make me play with her and her with me and told me that she was teaching me about my body and what men will do.  She said that I had to have sex because I was evil and bad and that they had to put good stuff in me to purify me...I just really read what I wrote and I am horrified!!!  Manipulated and groomed me to have sex with the many men that came through her house.  I am so angry that she also told my mother that I was bad, evil and sometimes that the devil was inside of me.  My fucked up, asshole of a mother listened to her and reinforced it.  I am so angry that I want to do something physical, but can't because of my ankle and respiratory problems.  I would just love to slap her and slug her like she did me, but even that would never be enough.  I'm am so enraged that my stepfather's mother would say that and that my mother would believe her...shit heads the both of them.

My step-father's mother went even further to burn me with incense or to insert them inside of me saying, "that I was so bad that this was to help purify me."  Fuck Fuck Fuck.  These two women have cost me money, time, and twenty years in therapy!!!  No wonder it takes so long!!!  My thinking, my self hatred, suicidal thoughts, self-injury and eating disorder is because of them and my step father.  They fucking brainwashed me into thinking that I was evil and responsible.  Why would anyone say these things to their daughter...only a fucked up person with no maternal instinct...I was only an object.

If they were in prison, both would be some other woman's toy which is fun to think about.  Retaliatory fantasies are quite helpful.  I need to stop as my anger is really bubbling up and I need to stop.

Oh, one other thing.  I came home to a forwarded email from my uncle.  However, it was initiated by my mother and sent to the entire family except for me.  What a bitch I write my letter to my mother and she has not spoken to me since not even to deny or yell at me.  No response for almost two years even when I was sick with pneumonia and are continuing to have serious respiratory and immune system problems.

Well, Fuck off!!!

8 comments:

Wanda's Wings said...

This post just makes me cry that we live with such sick f****! I'm so sorry that you went through this and with the ones that are suppose to love you unconditionally. I'm angry with you.

Clueless said...

Wanda, Thank you for your empathy. I really appreciate you following my blog. It is unbelievable to me what horrors people can do to others.

NOS said...

This woman horrifies and disgusts me. I can't even begin to understand the line of thinking that leads to "It's okay to abuse and torture this child." I don't get it.

What happened to you should not have happened to you. I'm glad you're angry-- you deserve to be! The key is directing the anger outwards instead of inwards.

Wishing you well,
NOS

Borderline Lil said...

Like NOS says, channel that positive anger outwards and let it cleanse you - don't let it hurt or harm you for one more minute. Unspeakably horrible people like that do not deserve a minute of time or a second of thought. You are a survivor, CC.

Jen Daisybee said...

No one deserves this type of torture to happen to them, ever. I am sorry that you went through this, and that you are living with the aftermath today. I feel for you. I hope that you can learn to love yourself as you deserve to be loved, and care for yourself as you deserve to be cared for, because it's very important that we do this and find our own happiness, even when no one else did it for us when they should have. I also hope that you can find a feeling of safety in the world, because no one can hurt you now like they did then.

Clueless said...

NOS, thank you. Outward instead of inward...what a struggle that is, but it is true.

Borderline Lil, Jen and NOS. You are all so right on target. I really appreciate you support and encouragment. The three of you either use the word torture or horrible. That is something that I keep denying and all my defenses are at full speed. But, writing here breaks some of the denial.

Shen said...

You have a right to your anger. All of it. Feeling it is good - it means you're starting to heal. Allow it. Let yourself heal. Make yourself be whole despite them and prove them wrong. You are not evil. You know you are not bad. You know it now, and you can mentally hold that child, the scared one inside who still sometimes believes it, and tell her
shh shh you are safe, you are loved and you are good.

And believe it.

peace

Mary said...

That is so disgusting for her to do all those things to you..I am so sorry you had to go through all that.
You most certainly need to feel angry, you have every right to...take care my friend...P.S. I am writing again, and I am updating my blog...hugsss Mary

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