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Thank you for visiting. Content MAY BE TRIGGERING ESPECIALLY FOR THOSE WHO HAVE EXPERIENCED ABUSE, STRUGGLE WITH SELF-INJURY, SUICIDE, DEPRESSION OR AN EATING DISORDER. Contains graphic descriptions of suicidal thoughts, self-injury and emotional, physical and sexual abuse. Do not read further if you are not in a safe place. If you are triggered, please reach out to your support system, a mental health professional or call 911.

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A key word that you will see:

Fragmentation: a mental process where a person becomes intensely emotionally focused on one aspect of themselves, such as “I am angry” or “no one loves me,” to the point where all thoughts, feelings and behavior demonstrate this emotional state, in which, the person does not or is unable to take into account the reality of their environment, others or themselves and their resources. This is a term that my therapist and I use and is on the continuum of dissociation.

Monday, July 18, 2011

Effects of child sexual abuse ~ Part III

Trigger Warning - Trigger Warning

I decided to explain how my sexual abuse has directly effected my sexuality with my husband...Gulp!  Even when we first were married and began intercourse which was a couple times each month, it was quite painful for me.  My muscles would tighten and he would have difficulty with penetration.  He felt badly that it was painful for me, so gradually we stopped having intercourse. 

Not only was it painful, I was a bit panicked, never really enjoyed it, hated the feeling of ejaculation, and dissociated.  I would also have BDSM thoughts which was helpful for some reason.  Again, associating sex with violence.  I also kept having some flashes of my own sexual abuse.  Silly me, I thought that all of this would get better.

Since all of my memories started coming back in 2003, my husband volunteered to sleep in our extra bedroom where he remains and we had no sexual contact at my request.  However, after my hospitalizations in 2009, I began to cuddle naked and then with him naked.  We both are able to take naps together like this.  My friend calls it NN...naked napping!! :-) 

Also, I began to play with his private parts.  Now, it is every night.  He has been in quite a predicament at times as I have fallen asleep like this.  Everything he did was of no help.  Eventually, he would have to move my hand or awaken me a bit.

This is a HUGE step for me and one that was spontaneous.  I feel completely safe doing this as does my husband. My therapist says that we are actually having sex every night and that other husbands would "kill" to have this type of sexual relationship.  Although, I think that I should be able to have intercourse, given my background, I shouldn't even be able to do this.  My husband has also stated that "if we never have intercourse again that he would be satisfied with what we do now and that if he never sleeps in our bed at night that would be fine."  I know many couples who do this due to different schedules and snoring.  So another benefit...my husband SNORES!!


Just Be Real said...

Clueless appreciate you sharing this and that things are working out better for you and your husband. Safe hugs.

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