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A key word that you will see:

Fragmentation: a mental process where a person becomes intensely emotionally focused on one aspect of themselves, such as “I am angry” or “no one loves me,” to the point where all thoughts, feelings and behavior demonstrate this emotional state, in which, the person does not or is unable to take into account the reality of their environment, others or themselves and their resources. This is a term that my therapist and I use and is on the continuum of dissociation.

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Feeling "Bad" Today

First, I want to start off by saying that feeling "bad" is a core issue for those of us with a Borderline Personality Disorder.  However, bad is not a feeling, but a harsh judgement that we place upon our self.  Often time, I get myself into a no win situation and either way I end up going into bad.  It is painful and hopeless feeling.  However, by changing our thoughts about a situation will help, but I'm having difficulty doing that.  Most have difficulty doing that for themselves...instead we look for someone else to be our ego.

I guess, I will go in chronological order.  In therapy, we spent the whole 90 minutes talking about my eating disorder which always feels "bad" to me.  I am breaking through the denial of how bad my eating disorder became.  Although I have been reaching my goal of eating six somethings per day, my eating disorder thoughts are running rampant. 

With much fear and anxiety, I have arrived all by myself without any suggestions to donate the next level of my smaller sizes (purposely not using numbers).  This breaks my denial a bit and as my therapist puts it, "I'm looking at the present rather than the past."  Basically, by giving them away, I don't have clothing in the house to aim for as a goal.  If I get there, that is great.  But if I don't that needs to be okay too because I need to accept where I am.  If I keep the smaller sizes in the house, my eating disorder thoughts begin.

Two other things that I went into bad over was my shopping and my car.  I am addicted to shopping whenever I feel depressed or want to run from my feelings.  I go into bad about this as I am not working as well.  The Nordstrom Anniversary Sale was fun and I purchased what I wanted and needed; however, it kicked up "I'm bad."

Secondly,  yesterday while on the freeway, a chunk of concrete hit the front and the grill on my car.  There is some damage that my husband is looking into.  I still think that I should have been able to do something.

So there it is...I am feeling "bad."

6 comments:

Haven said...

I relate to this so much. I'm almost constantly in a 'bad' state of mind when it comes to thinking about myself.

Even my eating disorder is a fully mixed bag of no win. Because if I indulge my eating disorder I'm bad, it's bad, but if I don't, then I'm still bad. I'm trying very hard to change this mentality. It's a struggle. One you are definitely not alone in. I was able to break this cycle for a very long time and I believe that I'll be able to do it again. I have faith that you can do it as well.

Wanda's Wings said...

Sorry you are feeling bad. I know I would be upset if my car had been hit with something like that. I don't believe there was anything you could have done to prevented that from happening.

I think most people with any type of eating disorder are struggling right now. My therapist wants me to throw away my scale and concentrate on being healthy. I too am struggling with my obsession right now. I hear listening to you and wish you the best. I hope good replaces bad soon,

Borderline Lil said...

Oh, I completely understand the shopping when you feel bad. Even when I don't want to be in public there's always the internet )-: Don't be too hard on yourself CC, you're doing so well.

Clueless said...

Haven, this is such a borderline conumdrum. Thank you for the vote of confidence. I know that I can do it, but the whole thing sucks!!

Wanda and Haven, Again, thank you for your encouragement and support. You both make me feel less alone.

Borderline Lil, Shopping online bad thing to start!!! Thank you for telling me not to be so hard on myself. This is such a tough area.

NOS said...

I'm so sorry you're feeling bad. But I want to thank you for being honest and candid in this post-- I feel like I learned a lot about you and about BPD.

Way to go on meeting your eating goals! Trust me, I know how hard that is to do. And I agree with your therapist-- having your "sick clothes" around the house won't help anything.

Stay strong, CC. I hope you feel better soon.

Wishing you well,
NOS

Clueless said...

NOS, thank you so much for your kind and encourageing words. I know that you have been going through a difficult time which makes this even more special. Please, take care of yourself

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