Tired!!! Be Back Tomorrow!!!

A letter FROM my mother!!

Yesterday was letter day. My mother was to receive my letter via email and a mailed copy yesterday which she read. More details below the letter from my mother. Arriving home after my therapy session, I find the following letter in my mail from my mother:

Dear Coleen,

I am communicating with you in writing as you have not seemed to wish to communicate with me for several years. I don’t know the exact reason that you don’t want to see or talk to me but I will hazard a guess. Most have familial problems and I will not go into the details that I have had with every member of mine but they have had an influence in my and your “formation.”

I know that you think that you had a terrible childhood and granted you did not have the best but you did not have the worst. I am sorry that you father was not more a part of your life but he was not the most nurturing or understanding person. We were both young and immature but we thought we were doing our best. But it did not work out for us and we divorced. He was from the old Japanese school.

Gene did love you for a long time and wanted to adopt you but you refused. He was good to you for many years giving and teaching you many things. But I guess it is easier for you to remember the bad things.

I am sorry that I was not a better mother but I cannot make up for it now. Just to ask for your forgiveness and understanding. I have prayed about this and if you do not wish to communicate or see me anymore just let me know. On the other hand, if you want more details or to discuss anything, just let me know. I don’t want you to carry on a façade any longer.

I love you, always have and always will. I ask God to bless you and heal you everyday.

Love,

(She signs, “Mom”)

Due to the contents and timing, I thought that this was too much a coincidence and that someone gave her some type of information. So, I called my uncle who keeps pushing for us to talk even though I've tried and tried. He denied saying or mailing her anything about the letter. However, later in the conversation he said that he had a conversation with my mother about my relationship with her. Even though he denied giving her information. I still believe that he said something to tip her off.

I told him that he had not right to interfere in my relationship with my mother. And that he screw everything up and hurt me. He said that she is my sister and I'm her brother, so they can talk...note he never calls anyone except for holidays. He kept saying that and denying anything about the letter. He said that I needed to reconcile with my mother.

So, my mother calls my aunt during work and is unintelligible for the most part and was crying saying that the letter was completely untrue, that I never go along with her, and I need to go. Also, "the only way for Coleen to have her family was for her (Susan) to go away. Everyone hates me I have no family. Need to go. She also called my uncle with the same information. Ending each call with "I need to go away." That she need to remove herself from the family. She ended the calls with "I need to go away" and "can't handle this anymore" and "I need to go...." Click!! Alarming my aunt she called her partner to call my mother who immediately picked up the telephone which to me indicates that she fully expect someone to call her back.

My aunt and her partner emphasized to me that I did nothing wrong, that this is about me and supporting me. My aunt, her partner, my husband and I all believe that my uncle did tip her off. I feel so betrayed by my uncle.

I cried on and off all day...It was a horrible afternoon.

(Letter to Mother. This is only for my personal searchs as blogger does not search by tags, much to my dismay)

(Letter to mom. This is for search purposes only.)

Finished Letter Fallout

I finally finished the letter to my mother which turned out to be four individual post:

Part I
Part II
Part III
Part IV

On Sunday evening (9.20.09), I emailed it to my family with a request to let me know when and if they read it. By Thursday, I received two out of four responses. So, I decided to call my uncle, and cousins. My cousins were supportive even though they really don't seem to understand, but they are also in there late twenties and were very sheltered.

However, my uncle, who had been really supportive in the past, left me in tears when I got off the telephone and questioning everything including whether or not I should send the letter. He told me that I should have sent it to everyone and that it makes people take sides. Also, that the detail regarding Grandma seeing something should have been left out. That it is too graphic. He further went on about my relationship with my mother. That I should try talking face to face with her to try to work it out. And, that I need to participate in working it out with her and that we both need to play ball. Luckily, my husband, my aunt and her partner helped to calm me down. I realize that it is mostly his own stuff, but all it took was that one negative comment to have me come crashing down. I am so nervous.

Now, here I am at Friday with my therapist out of town and I am going nuts. He sang "I'm Coming Out" He also wrote me a very encouraging note. Yes, he is a bit unconventional. But, he was quite proud of me finally telling the truth to my family and mother and standing on my own in my rage...I feel sick!! I'm still reeling from what my uncle said; nonetheless, I am still going to email the letter Sunday evening and mail it on Saturday. Either way, I mostly feel good about mailing the letter and have good support.

Tonight (Friday night), due to my aunt's health problems and that she is already enraged about what she already knows, her partner and her are going to read it together tonight. They read it and my aunt also spoke with my uncle and explained that he had hurt my feelings, compared what they remember (which validates what my letter says). She also explained why reconciliation at this point is not possible and that they needed to be there to support me. Both also believe me. My aunt and her partner helped me immensely.

Another part of the conversation that further validates my mother's abuse is that she is the one that is supposed to be watching over my Grandma. She is 86 years old and is afraid to ask my mother anything as my mother will yell at her. My uncle found out that she weighs only 77 pound which is 20 pounds lower than her lowest number for her BMI. I am really outraged that she let my Grandma get this way without letting anyone know. This week my mother, my uncle and aunt have scheduled a conference all to discuss Grandma.

I ought to be an interesting atmosphere as my mother will have read my letter by that time. My aunt and uncle we enraged at my mother especially my aunt. And, now they are even more enraged.

On Saturday, I was note handling thing very well as I picked a fight with my husband and was crying over my aunt not calling me personally as expected. Most of the information is coming from her partner talking with my aunt due to health reasons. I had one very pleasant surprise...my therapist called me even though he was out of town telling me, that he was thinking about me and wanted to see how I was doing. That made me feel so much better. I shall see what tomorrow (Sunday) brings.

(Letter to Mother. This is only for my personal searchs as blogger does not search by tags, much to my dismay)

(Letter to mom. This is for search purposes only.)

Letter to my mother ~ Part IV ~ Final

Letter to my mother ~ Part IV

I am so enraged at you for consistently ignoring any signs that I was being abused or in danger. However, I am more enraged at you for the abuse that YOU did to me. What the hell did you think when I kept scratching my crotch and rear. You even teased me that I had worms because I was dragging my rear across the carpet like a dog. You would slap my hand away. Didn’t it ever occur to you to ask or take me to the doctor? You were blind to any sense of distress that I may have expressed. You continue to put blinders on when it comes to me. But, it was your responsibility, as a mother, to protect and comfort me. You apparently chose not to do so.

You chose not to handle it when I had my suicide attempt and even more so when after that event you ignored my friends warnings that I was suicidal. You never took me seriously when it was needed. You were too busy with knowing if the school would find out. Were you afraid that they would find out how much abuse was taking place by Gene and YOU!! I was not being dramatic or sensitive. It was that bad!!! You close your eyes whenever I need something. Again, you just fucking ignored me and continue to do so. You are such a selfish bitch!!

Everything always has had to and still does revolve around you. Even, my birthday was always about what you wanted and what you liked. You rarely gave any consideration to what I wanted or liked. It was always about what YOU. And, sometimes you would remember and sometimes you acted like you didn’t. I feel like you don’t want to acknowledge my birth or me. But, like it or not you are my mother and that is your responsibility and not mine!!

I am so enraged at you for making me the butt of your teasing and joking. You were sadistic because you got so much pleasure out of teasing me to the point that it was extremely hurtful and painful. I was like a toy or something to you and Gene to play with. And, I just want to slap you over and over again when you still make jokes about it now. Besides what I’ve already mentioned, you knew that I was scared of snails and frogs, but you would purchase things with them on items for me, teased me, and allowed Gene to terrorize me. Once, it was to the point that I lost my front tooth by biting you trying to get away from him and then you just laughed. You are just a sadistic bitch.

Your sadism went even so far as giving me some wine when I was young to see how I would react. Then, you made fun of me and started to tell what I did to everyone, but would omit the part that YOU gave me the wine. You still mention it today. You really screwed up my life.

I hate you and am so enraged that (those words don’t even come close to how I feel about you) for making my life so unpredictable. Every single day that I lived with you was unpredictable either because of you or Gene. I never knew if it was going to be a safe day or not…if one of you would rage against me or if you were going to hit me. You fucking didn’t pull it together enough not to take it out on me. The worst part is that the rules changed all the time related to how one of you felt. I hate you so much for making my life like that.

I really hate you so much for making housework days hell for me. From the time we lived in the duplex until I moved out, you were always so unpredictable. Much of the time, I would wake up with you yelling at me to come help you. When we lived in the duplex, when I couldn’t figure out the right attachment that you wanted, you used to throw parts of the vacuum cleaner at me. This included hitting and beating me with the electrical cord or the hoses. You made Barbara feel so uncomfortable when she slept over and awoke to one of these mornings that you raged at me, that she left without saying anything. She just walked home with her sleeping bag and belonging. I was so fucking embarrassed that you would do that when I had a friend over. You never apologized because nothing was or is ever your responsibility.

I am so fucking angry with you. When I was still in my crib, to get me to stop crying you would put a pillow over my face or pinch me. Or just walk away!! I eventually learned not to cry even as I got older. All because you abused me. When and before we moved to Grandma’s and Grandpa’s, you used to hit me in the mouth. Then, as I got older you would slap me in the face or slug me in the back and most of the time I never knew the reason why. You were such a sadistic bitch because you would show me the bruise on your hand and make a joke about it. I hate you so much.

When we lived in the duplex, once you came into my room while I was on a chair dusting my bookcase. You came in and slapped me out of the blue causing me to fall off the chair and for it to topple. You didn’t say anything and just left. I didn’t say anything and just continued to dust. I am so enraged because by then, I learned not to cry, to numb the pain out and not to discuss it. You really screwed up my life with your abuse because I learned to do that to protect myself from you. I was always at fault, because you never had the guts enough to take any responsibility instead I now take responsibility for things that have nothing to do with me.

I remember you calling me evil and bad all the time. You reinforced that by the salt and leaving the devil or death tarot card in my room. Yes, I knew it was you. You even told me when “Rosemary’s Baby” was on television that you wish you would have set me on fire in my crib just like she did. You threatened to push me out of the moving car, push or throw me through the window or just leave me somewhere. The worst part is all the things that you said to me in which I have really struggled with my whole life and still do. You really fucked me up!!!

I hate you because you did so much damage to me that I have been in therapy for two decades and have had four psychiatric hospitalizations. It has cost me significantly financially and permanently emotionally. You were never there for me as a mother and I thank God for Arleen, Michael, Grandpa and Grandma for they allowed me to be a child and expressed love, compassion and caring toward me. I don’t even think that you are capable of doing that. You are so egocentric. When or if you did showed any affection, it always feels fake like it is something you “should” do or that you want something from me. There is so much more, but I cannot go any further. It would really take a whole book. But, you really fucked up my life and I have spent too much time trying to repair some of the damage that you have cost me. I don’t care if you take responsibility for your abuse or not because I know the truth. I would love to find a way for to you to pay for the bills because I have them because you fucked up my life.

I am still so enraged about the lies that you kept telling Arleen and Judy!! I wonder how many lies you told me and others.I do know now that you told me many, many, many lies about myself before and after I was 10 years old.


Just in case you forgot the things that YOU said to me…

I do not want any contact with you. I don’t know what this means in terms of family gatherings. I do not want you to touch me at all. I wrote this letter to you because I need to tell youhow much rage I have toward you, how much hatred, and the truth that you have never wanted to accept. I don’t care it you like it or not. This letter is the truth and reality of life in our family; whether you accept it or not. You will not take away anymore of my life…I am through with the world revoling around you. I am taking my life back and you will not win again. You already fucked up my life enough…got it bitch!!

(if you want to see a larger and more readable picture of the words above please go to the left side bar toward the end entitled, "Mommy Says.") I have also made some minor changes in the previous section, none of which are note worthy except for one at the beginning. The follow is what this letter will look like at the very beginning:

"A copy of this letter has been sent to everyone in the family because I want the family to know the truth. Like it or not this is the truth and others will finally know my pain and rage.

Susan,"

(Letter to Mother. This is only for my personal searchs as blogger does not search by tags, much to my dismay)

(Letter to mom. This is for search purposes only.)

Inspiration Dog?

see more dog and puppy pictures

I know that this is a funny picture. I personally love it. I also love Snoopy and labradors. The only thing that could have made it better is if it were a black lab. :-) I like the caption. For me almost anything or anyone can be an inspiration to you. Even Snoopy is an inspiration to me as his character does whatever he wants without thinking "should I?, won't others think? I'll look bad, etc...

Snoopy does what he wants without thinking about what others may say or think. Granted, he is in his own make believe world. (Oh, Peanuts isn't real...well, never mind...) We also should be mindful of others in a balance, but not to aware of others that it prevents us from being ourselves. My husband and friend do this very well and they are my inspirations, but so is Snoopy because he also reminds me to dream.

Share an unusual thing, character or someone who is an inspriration to you.

Letter To My Mother ~ Part III

You had so little sense of yourself that you needed others to tell you what to do. That is why you kept going to tarot card readers, psychics and others. You allowed the Medium on the Hill Church to beat me in front of everyone and were a part of holding me down…all in the name of “beating the devil out of me.” You listened to whatever Maye told you because you had no sense of your own, wanted someone else take responsibility for your decisions and didn’t want to lose Gene.

As a result of your decisions and lack of responsibility, I was emotionally, sexually and physically abused. At the beginning, it was Maye teaching me about parts of my body, mostly my genitals. In her “teaching,” she would insert her fingers and incense. The incense was a way of “purifying me and getting the devil to leave.” Sometimes, she would let it burn down far enough where I was burned and it hurt. I didn’t tell you anything by this point because you never believed what I said. I have so much rage at you because of the things that were done to me because you would not believe or listen to what I said. I was always, “dramatic, too sensitive, made up stories, or lied,” but the truth is that you never want to face the truth. You were the one who lied.

When I took naps at Maye and Bill’s, I was tied down and repeatedly raped by the men in the house which included objects both vaginally, anally and orally, asphyxiation, having socks stuffed in my mouth so that I couldn’t scream and being beaten with a belt or antenna or whatever was convenient usually between my legs. They all came back there under the guise of going to the restroom. Most mother’s would have checked on their kid who was taking a nap, but you never did which left me to be abused. I have so much rage toward you and I wonder how much you knew for you to sit there and see all these men go back and forth into the area where I was supposed to be sleeping. That is why I never wanted to take a nap. Gene and Bill were the primary abusers. Where the hell were you?!!

I never wanted you to drop me off at Maye and Bill’s or for you to leave me alone with Gene there. I told you, but again you never listened. I don’t really care if you believe any of the things that I have written, but I know the truth. And, you can believe it or not. If you aren’t in denial or trying to blame someone else for it, which is usually the case. You say, that you have never had to worry about me. It is more like you never wanted to, so didn’t. Well, you should have worried when I was at Gene’s parents.

Bill always seemed so calm and in the background, but he was horribly sadistic along with Gene. In the garage, again I was raped, tied up, beaten and other things that I will tell you because it is the truth and I want you to know it. The abuse also included a few other men. I was usually tied naked to the ping-pong table and raped and had things like the handle of a hammer, screwdriver, wood and whatever they found amusing and sadistic shoved into my vagina. There was also fisting, oral sex and genital beatings. I was often beaten on my rear and back of my legs…you must have ignored the bruises or I got really good at hiding them. You ignored the blood on my underwear.

Arleen and Michael tell me that I became quiet and withdrawn at this point in time and didn’t know why I hated Gene so much. But, you never noticed or blamed me for my “bad” behavior. Way before the point that Maye and Gene and others convinced you that I was evil, bad and deserved to die, you did that all on your own. You can deny it all you want, but you really do know this happened. I’ve gone through my whole life thinking and believing that I was evil, bad and needed to die. I have so much rage toward you for “brainwashing” me into those thoughts that I still struggle with today.

Back to the garage, Bill and Gene always found new and increasing sadistic ways of abusing me. I used to have popsicles inserted into my vagina and they would let the ants crawl on me and inside of me while I was forced to lay on the garage floor. Often, while tied to the ping-pong table they would put spiders and other bugs on me including snails. Once, Bill let a lizard go into my vagina. They would also insert ice into my vagina and anus and I would have to hold it and it really hurt, but either I couldn’t hold all the ice inside or it melted, but was told that I need to hold it. They made me think that I urinated on myself…either way I was beaten. I have so much rage for you not being able to tell what was going on and not asking why I didn’t want to be there and for not recognizing the signs. You just didn’t want to be a mother…you wanted to party and socialize with Maye and her friends or with yours which left me alone with these sadistic monsters.

I was terrified and being abused…where the hell were you? You should have known because there were enough signs. But, instead you couldn’t handle it. Grandma even says that she saw Gene doing subtle sexual things to me at their house which means he had to be doing it where you could see also. Again, you ignore that things are happening to me because then you would have to deal with it, take responsibility, take care of me and possibly lose Gene. Arleen and Michael even suspected. I hate you and feel so much rage toward you because you wouldn’t listen to me, see the signs and allowed horrendous things to happen to me. I can’t even begin to tell you how much this has taken away from my life…you wonder why I’ve been in therapy for so long. It is because you wouldn’t take the responsibility of being my mother.

I have so much pain and rage about how you treated me when it came to Gene. Sometimes, I would like to just kill you. Instead, I turned my anger toward myself leading to self-hatred, perfectionism, low self-esteem, suicidal thoughts, self-injury, depression, major depression, post-traumatic stress, eating disorder, dissociate disorder and four expensive hospitalizations. This past one was for 41 days mostly out of pocket causing us to max out two of our credit cards. I’ve struggled with all of these issues for as long as I can remember especially the suicidal thoughts and self-injury. I remember being two thinking I didn’t want to be and what it would be like to walk in front of a moving car. The self-injury started when the sexual abuse began. I started burning myself with incense.

If you knew, you would probably would not really listen, change the subject, get angry, defensive and blame others. I’m sure that some of this surprises you, but it is the truth like it or not. Believe it or not. But, I remember the truth of how you and Gene treated me. I can hear you say, “therapy is supposed to make you treat me better.” In actuality, therapy is for me to see and accept the truth in my life. It isn’t about you. It is for me and I am getting better which may mean that I cut you out of my life completely. Despite what you think, this would be a good thing! I am so fucking tired of trying to conform to what you want. By the way, don’t even begin to use my being a Christian against me because I can talk circles around you that you would never understand. I know that I am in God’s favor. I wonder, if you truly know where you stand with God.

I used to ask myself why you stayed with Gene when he was so abusive to you and I, but you just minimized or ignored it or lied to yourself. You didn’t even have the guts to stand up to him when you saw how verbally abusive he was to me…you just joined in because you didn’t like him to become angry with me because you might lose him. I also, ended up comforting you in which I have so much rage. I also have rage because you constantly would tell me that you were going to leave him and then wouldn’t follow through. Also, you would agree and side with me about how Gene was with me, only to turn around and take his side…so much betrayal. I feel so much rage toward you and not me for once. I fucking hate you for taking so much of my life and fucking it up. I’ve paid a huge cost, but not anymore because you will not win anymore.

(Letter to Mother. This is only for my personal searchs as blogger does not search by tags, much to my dismay)

(Letter to mom. This is for search purposes only.)

Letter To My Mother ~ Part II

Susan,

I know that you don’t want to hear the truth, but that’s tough because I need to tell you the truth to you whether you read this or not. I absolutely hate you for leaving me alone with Gene and for listening to Maye and him. You, constantly put me in danger because you ALWAYS picked him over me and believed what he said. The day I got two red stars on my behavior chart was because I didn’t want to play Monopoly with him. I wanted to play with my Barbie’s. So, he raped me not only with himself, but with the Barbie’s. But, you never asked me what happened even when you saw blood on my underwear. You never wanted to know the truth you just blamed me as did Gene and to top it off, you spanked me.

The constant threat of you telling me that, “I’d better watch what I do and say because Gene could kill me!” What kind of mother would constantly say that to her child…you sick bitch did. Which also implied that you knew he was dangerous; yet, you left me alone with him. During one of the first times, that I was left alone with him he raped me by knife point and at six he put a knife up to my neck and told me that he could kill me anytime he wanted to” This was not the last time he did that. I hate you for leaving me alone with him. You would even ignore him yelling at me then get angry at me. You always wondered why I hated him, well, a mother would have asked…bitch.

That is only the tip of the iceberg, but I will spare you some of the details for now because they are too sick to even put on paper. But, you are responsible for not listening to me and ignoring the signs…there are NO excuses for it. I’ve said them to myself my whole life, but not anymore. I feel so much rage toward you.

The teasing me about the tail, same old shoes, snail etc…were sadistic and you still tease me about them and it still hurts. All I wanted was some empathy which apparently you are incapable of and to share my excitement about the things I was learning in school. I learned to not share anything with you and to keep you out. So, it is not my fault that I keep you out of my personal business…it is yours and not mine. Your teasing was sadistic.

Whenever, you and Gene would argue and sometimes have physical fights, I was scared both at what was happening and also because I knew the anger was going to be directed at me. That was always the case. I was bad, I misbehaved…too much pressure for a child…and I was a child and not your “mother” although you tried to make me yours.

I was absolutely terrified with Gene and you knew it, but never asked or got us out of the situation because you were too scared not to be in a relationship. And, that took priority over my needs all the time. I remember, when you would get angry with him that the Vodka and the cigarettes that you hid in my underwear drawer (how sick is that) came out and I felt like I had to stay awake until the cigarettes were gone because I was afraid of you setting the couch on fire. Who was the mother here?

You always joke that from the time that I was born that I told you what to do. That was your doing to because you made me be attuned to you for my own safety. It got to the point when I know when you get fussy that you are tired, need to go to the restroom or are hungry. Who mothered who? I feel so much rage and cheated out of a childhood. The only time that I really got to be a child was with Arleen or Grandpa and Grandma and sometimes Michael. And, apparently when Gene came into the picture I saw them less until Gene started working.

(Letter to Mother. This is only for my personal searchs as blogger does not search by tags, much to my dismay)

(Letter to mom. This is for search purposes only.)

Health Update

I can't wait for the day that I'm not doing health updates. But here goes...I remain on breathing treatments four times per day, continue to become short of breath, and have lots of fatigue. My skin conditions have all come back. Some it may be due to stress. However, after a bunch of poking with needles and testing, they one thing that they found is that one antibody remains low. So, I will begin infusion therapy via IV to "add" that antibody to my blood. It will be a two to four hour treatment. I'm bring a book, since I don't have an Ipod. I'm told that it could be a one time treatment up to a lifetime. That really helps, huh. Anyway, I'm awaiting a call to schedule it. I am apprehensive, but mostly I hope it resolves the problem.

They also discovered that I have a minimal fluid still in my lungs. All of this could be the cause of my continued respitory system problems. My doctors say that it is an indication of how serious my pneumonia was. I'm glad I'm not working, not including therapy, I average two doctor appointments per week.

Professional Patient,

CC

International Day of Peace!!

The following information is from the website, The International Day of Peace ("Peace Day") which provides an opportunity for individuals, organizations and nations to create practical acts of peace on a shared date. It was established by a United Nations resolution in 1981 to coincide with the opening of the General Assembly. The first Peace Day was celebrated in September 1982.

In 2002 the General Assembly officially declared September 21 as the permanent date for the International Day of Peace.

By creating the International Day of Peace, the UN devoted itself to worldwide peace and encouraged all of mankind to work in cooperation for this goal. During the discussion of the U.N. Resolution that established the International Day of Peace, it was suggested that:

"Peace Day should be devoted to commemorating and strengthening the ideals of peace both within and among all nations and peoples…This day will serve as a reminder to all peoples that our organization, with all its limitations, is a living instrument in the service of peace and should serve all of us here within the organization as a constantly pealing bell reminding us that our permanent commitment, above all interests or differences of any kind, is to peace."

Since its inception, Peace Day has marked our personal and planetary progress toward peace. It has grown to include millions of people in all parts of the world, and each year events are organized to commemorate and celebrate this day. Events range in scale from private gatherings to public concerts and forums where hundreds of thousands of people participate.

Anyone, anywhere can celebrate Peace Day. It can be as simple as lighting a candle at noon, or just sitting in silent meditation. Or it can involve getting your co-workers, organization, community or government engaged in a large event. The impact if millions of people in all parts of the world, coming together for one day of peace, is immense.

International Day of Peace is also a Day of Ceasefire – personal or political. Take this opportunity to make peace in your own relationships as well as impact the larger conflicts of our time. Imagine what a whole Day of Ceasefire would mean to humankind.

Share what small or big impact that you make on making this world a bit more peaceful.

"Worthy Is The Lamb" ~ Darlene Zschech

Inspirational Starfish

“One day a man was walking along the beach when he noticed
a boy picking something up and gently throwing it into the ocean.
Approaching the boy, he asked, ‘What are you doing?’

The youth replied, ‘Throwing starfish back into the ocean.
The surf is up and the tide is going out. If I don’t throw them back, they’ll die.’

‘ Son,’ the man said, ‘don’t you realize there are miles and miles of beach and hundreds of starfish?
You can’t make a difference!’

After listening politely, the boy bent down, picked up another starfish,
and threw it back into the surf. Then, smiling at the man, he said…‘I made a difference for that one.’"

The Original Starfish Story found in ”Star Thrower,”
a collection of essays by the naturalist and writer
Loren Eiseley 1978

Share where you can make a difference with one person or several?

So, What Do You Do?

To see full length version CLICK HERE

Now, be honest!! When you are home alone (oh, no!) and a favorite song comes on what do you do? (e.g. lip sync, sing at the top of your voice, dance, make funny movements, or are you Tom Cruise from 1983 ?)

Letter to Mother ~ part I

Note: I have changed this post to include real names, except for mine, because I don't really care anymore who reads this because it is the truth.

You know those letters that you write and don't intend to send. I've never really been able to write one. This is only a part of what I want to say. The following letter is the one that I read to my therapist yesterday:

Susan,

This is what I want to call you as you really have never been a “mother” or a “mom” to me. I hate you for “making” Arleen [aunt] and the rest of the family really take care of me like you should have, a mother. You rarely answer to “Mom,” anyway or anything that I say for that matter. It has always been like that. I am so enraged that you don’t respond to me when I ask you a question or make a statement…it is really sad that there is even a joke that everyone knows that we have to ask you three times before you will respond. Yet, you demand an answer right away. You have always been a spoiled brat that wants everything her way, will do anything to get it, and throws a tantrum to get her way. Everyone has been trained to respond to you especially me and knows you have a temper. Also, that you used to rage at me.

Grandma was right when she said that it is your fault about my needing therapy. It is your fault that I’ve been in therapy for more than 18 years, had four psychiatric hospitalizations, needed medications that currently cost over a thousand a month, need to see a psychiatrist and cannot work right now. It is your fault and I feel really enraged and cheated because what you did and didn’t do and said to me has really screwed me up. I’d like to send the bills to you…because financial it has cost me greatly. Not including mileage and time.

First off, you lied to Arleen and Judy [Arleen is my aunt and Judy is her lesbian partner] as to how I felt about their relationship and to me about how they felt about me. I know that you are jealous that Arleen and I have been more like sisters and Arleen has ALWAYS been more of a “mother” than you ever were, but it is your own doing. But, the lies that you told and continued to tell Arleen and Judy, kept us apart for more than 10 years. You cheated me just because you felt threatened. If you really knew me, you would know how I feel about their relationship. And, yes I keep you out because I never know how you are going to respond and it is usually hurtful…so, why would I ever want to talk to you about anything serious besides you get defensive and/or deny what you do or say.

You couldn’t even respond to my saying that I was depressed and am not able to work at this time. Again, you turn away or ignore me if I need something or support or to just listen to even small things. Arleen and Michael [my uncle] and the kids [Michael's adult children] are more of a support than you have ever been. I have never and still do not exist to you unless you need something and then when you don’t get it, you get passive aggressive and down right mean or cruel to me. Others notice how you treat me. I don’t expect that you would take any responsibility for any of this. It would be usual for you to say that I am lying or being over dramatic.

You used to and still do tease or push my buttons over and over again despite my telling you to stop or moving away. Then, when I do have an outburt you say, “I’m too sensitive or being dramatic.” Damn it, I just realized that. I don’t know if I feel like crying or yelling at you. Growing up and even now I feel like I can’t do either. But, everyone expects that you will.

You are not going to win this time. My suicidal thoughts and self-harm urges will not get the better of me. You are not going to win. I will get better. And, I will continue to find my anger, whether, you like it or not. I’m beginning not to really care what you think or do anymore. It couldn’t be much worse than it is now. I just want to scream and yell at you that you “fuck up my life.”

You don’t really know me and never will mostly because you never earned my trust and because all I have ever been is your projections. I don’t care if you know what that means. Go find out for yourself. I’m tired of explaining myself and other things to you. Leave me out of your fucking life. I don’t want to be a part of it.

You will never understand or accept the things that you did and didn’t do and the things that Gene [step father and abuser] did to me. You can’t handle the truth because then you have to look at your responsibility, taking care of me, rather the partying and drugs that you did. Right now, I can’t even begin to tell you what has gone on in my life, not that you would care or listen. I fucking hate you and would be fine if we never ever had any contact anymore. I just want to scream and yell in your face that you were an irresponsible bitch to me and you really fucked up my life.

I really hate you and you will probably never understand why. You did and said so many hurtful things to me, aggressive and damaging things in which I have many scars to show for them. You probably think that I’m making stuff up, being dramatic or influenced by my therapist. But, the point is that I remember what is true…I really know and I’ve spent my whole life trying to avoid it by turning my hatred toward you on myself…not that you didn’t instill enough self-hatred in me. This time you will not win and I will not end up in the hospital again unless it as staff. Stop blaming me for how you screwed your own life up…that was your responsibility even though you keep trying to make it mine. Rather, you fucking screwed up my life…and you are missing out on a great person to know…me!!!

(Letter to mom.  This is for search purposes only.)

"...'Cause I'm Mad as hell..."

My therapist thought of this song, "I'm Not Ready to Make Nice," during one of my sessions when we were talking about my anger and what my mother has done. During this time therapy, I think that this will be my theme song...because I don't want to make nice with my mother!! But, then sometimes I start to cave in and turn my anger back on myself, but then I need to remember...

"I'm not ready to make nice
I'm not ready to back down
I'm still mad as hell and
I don't have time to go round and round and round
It's too late to make it right
I probably wouldn't if I could
'Cause I'm mad as hell
Can't bring myself to do what it is you think I should"

~ Dixie Chicks 2006

Sometimes, I Feel Like Quitting

Sometimes, I feel like quitting therapy because it gets really tough. That is what has been happening the past few weeks and this past weekend I had a really difficult time with fragmenting. I left about five messages on my therapist's answering machine and he was proud of me!! Imagine that! He said that it gave him an idea of where I was at and that the time period was shorter. He also said that this is a really, really hard time to go through.

I continue to work through me stuff with my mother and right now, I go from feeling sad, hurt to enraged. Feels really crazy and overwhelming. Everytime, I've reached this area my suicidal thoughts and self injury urges automatically come up which usually leads toward hospitalization. I really don't want to go there again. We also can't afford it.

I'm dreaming and having flashbacks about my mother. Not fun!! I am realizing that my rage toward her is much greater than that of my abusers. My therapist is being really supportive and for that I am very grateful.

Due to what is going on and how emotional it has been, it makes it difficult to write and to read some blogs. I am sorry if I don't leave comments and don't visit. I am trying now, but I recently deleted almost 700 posts out of my Google Reader. I did a blanket delete...it was too much. Now, I'm caught up and only have seven of which I want to keep for now. So, I ask that you be understanding, if I'm a bit inconsistent. This is a rough time for me.

"Meow"

"Heaven is the Face" ~ Steven Curtis Chapman

"I Was There" aka "Meet Me in the Stairwell"

I was able to do some research on the poem, "Meet Me In The Stairwell."


This information was taken from I Was There website.

The poem "Met in the Stairwell" written by Stacey Randall following September 11, 2001. Written from the perspective of God, where God was, and what God was doing during the tragic moments of September 11, 2001.

The original poem was placed on the family web site, then circulated throughout the world via emails. The poem is on thousands of other web sites (current estimate is 8000+ websites).

On November 30, 2001, Bob Holiday, Production Manager for KFSH Los Angeles, read the poem over Mannheim Steamroller's Silent Night. Bob's version found its way to hundreds of radio stations throughout the world and is currently available as an MP3 download on many web sites.

After securing a publishing deal, Stacey was encouraged to find a composer to write more appropriate music. She turned down requests from many well known and established artists.

In June 2002, Stacey chose Justin Copeland to compose the original music, who in turn contacted Steve Sneed to produce the song. Of course, Bob's voice was kept. He has become known as the "voice" of God.

Song re-titled as "I Was There" and released to radio stations in mid August, 2002.

'MEET ME IN THE STAIRWELL'
("I WAS THERE")

You say you will never forget where you were when
you heard the news
On September 11, 2001.
Neither will I.


I was on the 110th floor in a smoke filled room
with a man who called his wife to say 'Good-Bye.'
I held his fingers steady as he dialed.
I gave him the peace to say, Honey, I am not going to make it,
but it is OK...I am ready to go.

'I was with his wife when he called
as she fed breakfast to their children.
I held her up as she tried to understand his words
andas she realized he wasn't coming home that night.

I was in the stairwell of the 23rd floor when a
woman cried out to Me for help.
'I have been knocking on the door
of your heart for 50 years!' I said.
'Of course I will show you the way home - only
believe in Me now.'

I was at the base of the building with the Priest
ministering to the injured and devastated souls.
I took him home to tend to his Flock in Heaven. He
heard my voice and answered.

I was on all four of those planes, in every seat,
with every prayer. I was with the crew as they
were overtaken. I was in the very hearts of the
believers there, comforting and assuring them that their
faith has saved them.

I was in Texas , Virginia , California , Michigan , Afghanistan.
I was standing next to you when you heard the terrible news.
Did you sense Me?


I want you to know that I saw every face. I knew
every name - though not all know Me. Some met Me
for the first time on the 86th floor.
Some sought Me with their last breath.

Some couldn't hear Me calling to them through the
smoke and flames; 'Come to Me... this way... take
my hand.' Some chose, for the final time, to ignore Me.
But, I was there.

I did not place you in the Tower that day.
You may not know why, but I do. However, if you were;
there in that explosive moment in time,
would you have reached for Me?

Sept. 11, 2001, was not the end of the journey for you.
But someday your journey will end.
And Iwill be there for you as well.


Seek Me now while I maybe found.
Then, at any moment, you know you are'ready to go.'


I will be in the stairwell of your final moments.


~God~

Copyright©2002 Stacey Randall

Where Were You During 9.11 ?

I can’t believe it’s been 8 years since that day. I know everyone has a different story for that day. I live in Los Angeles, California basin area and the television would wake me up at 5:30 am, but I usually would stay in bed sleeping until 6:30-7:00 am…not a morning person. But, I kept hearing about a plane hitting one of the twin towers and thought if was some fluke accident, but they kept talking about it, so I opened my eyes to see the first tower burning and thought that was a large plan. Was it and accident or terrorism? I just sat watching and then I watched as the second plane hit. At first, I thought, “I didn’t just see what I think I saw.” At the same time, I heard the newsanchor say something similar.

Then, I knew the US was under attack. I quickly went to the restroom where my husband was sitting and was not thinking and asked him, “are you watching the news?” Well, of course, he wasn’t and would have made fun of me, but I had such a serious look on my face. He left for work and I got ready for work. I watched in horror as the first tower completely collapsed and disintegrated. I felt like something had hit my body, felt tremendous grief and knew the it was only a matter of time that the other would do the same. I prayed for and imagined how many lives were in the building and of their loved ones. My heart ached. Then, I quickly grabed a 4 1/2 inch television to take to work. On the way to work, I know exactly where I was on the freeway when the second tower hit. There were rumors about one on the way to Los Angeles international, Disneyland, etc…

I got to work and forgot about my meeting until three days later. We were all there watching my little television on and off throughout the day. I had it on the edge of my desk next to my guest chair, so people stopped by during the day, but no one got work done and rumors were flying. They were trying to figure if they should send us home or not…we left early figuring no one could work anyway.

I hadn’t cried at all, but two days later I went home early because of a tremendous migraine, turned on the television as the American flag was being unfurled on the Petagon and burst into sobs. I had suppressed crying until then. I slept for three hours and felt better. It was eerily quiet with only fighter jets passing occasionally…we live near a National Guard station. Not seeing a plane in the sky anywhere near LAX was surreal as was the whole event. I never realized how much air traffic there was.

People were nicer, more polite, more patient and friendlier even on the freeways. But, within a month’s time it was back to normal. I think, it has changed the world in many ways and not necessarily for the better. Today, I feel much grief. I also, think that I’m on the other side of the country and at that time didn’t know anyone in New York, I can’t image the overwhelming grieving process and trauma that they have endured. My heart and prayers goes out to everyone who was effected, but especially to those who lost someone that day or as a result of it.

Please share your experience or say whatever you need to say regarding that day.

World Suicide Prevention Day!!

What to do if you think a person is having suicidal thoughts? I obtained this information off the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (USA) site. You cannot predict death by suicide, but you can identify people who are at increased risk for suicidal behavior, take precautions, and refer them for effective treatment.

Ask the person directly if he or she (1) is having suicidal thoughts/ideas, (2)has a plan to do so, and (3) has access to lethal means

Ask “Are you thinking about killing yourself?” “Have you ever tried to hurt yourself before?” “Do you think you might try to hurt yourself today?” “Have you thought of ways that you might hurt yourself?” “Do you have pills/weapons in the house?”

This won’t increase the person’s suicidal thoughts. It will give you information that indicates how strongly the person has thought about killing him- or herself.

IS PATH WARM?

Ideation—Threatened or communicated
Substance abuse—Excessive or increased

Purposeless—No reasons for living
Anxiety—Agitation/Insomnia
Trapped—Feeling there is no way out
Hopelessness

Withdrawing—From friends, family, society
Anger (uncontrolled)—Rage, seeking revenge
Recklessness—Risky acts, unthinking
Mood changes (dramatic)

If it is then, call for help. The following are some resources most of which are international:

http://suicidehotlines.com/national.html
http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/
http://suicidehotlines.com/international.html
http://suicideandmentalhealthassociationinternational.org/Crisis.html
http://www.befrienders.org/
http://www.suicide.org/international-suicide-hotlines.html
Suicide Myths and Facts from Healthy Place
Myth: People who talk about killing themselves rarely commit suicide.
Fact: Most people who commit suicide have given some verbal clues or warning of their intention.

Myth: The tendency toward suicide is inherited and passed from generation to generation.
Fact: Although suicidal behavior does tend to run in families, it does not appear to be transmitted genetically.

Myth: The suicidal person wants to die and feels that there is no turning back.
Fact: Suicidal people are usually ambivalent about dying and frequently will seek help immediately after attempting the harm themselves.

Myth: All suicidal people are deeply depressed.
Fact: Although depression is often closely associated with suicidal feelings, not all people who kill themselves are obviously depressed. In fact some suicidal people appear to be happier than they've been in years because they have decided to "resolve" all of their problems by killing themselves. Also, people who are extremely depressed usually do not have the energy to kill themselves.

Myth: There is no correlation between alcoholism and suicide.
Fact: Alcoholism and suicide often go hand in hand. Alcoholics are prodded to suicidal behavior and even people who don't normally drink will often ingest alcohol shortly before killing themselves.

Myth: Suicidal people are mentally ill.
Fact: Although many suicidal people are depressed and distraught, most could not be diagnosed as mentally ill; perhaps only about 25 percent of them are actually psychotic.

Myth: Once someone attempts suicide, that person will always entertain thoughts of suicide.
Fact: Most people who are suicidal are so for only a very brief period once in their lives. If the person receives the proper support and assistance, he/she will probably never be suicidal again. Only about 10 percent of the people who attempt later kill themselves.

Myth: If you ask someone about their suicidal intentions, you will only encourage them to kill themselves.
Fact: Actually the opposite is true. Asking someone directly about their suicidal intentions will often lower their anxiety level and act as a deterrent to suicidal behavior by encouraging the ventilation of pent-up emotions through a frank discussion of his problems.

Myth: Suicide is quite common among the lower class.
Fact: Suicide crosses all socioeconomic distinctions and no one class is more susceptible to it than another.

Myth: Suicidal people rarely seek medical attention.
Fact: Research has consistently shown that about 75 percent of suicidal people will visit a physician within the month before they kill themselves.
Is Suicide a Choice? "No. Choice implies that a suicidal person can reasonably look at alternatives and select among them. If they could rationally choose, it would not be suicide. Suicide happens when all other alternatives are exhausted -- when no other choices are seen."~ Adina Wrobleski Suicide: Why? (1995)

“Death is not the greatest loss in life. The greatest loss is what dies inside us while we live.” ~ Norman Cousins

“Have the courage to live. Anyone can die.” ~Robert Cody

"If I had no sense of humor, I would long ago have committed suicide." ~Mahatma Gandhi


“As anyone who has been close to someone that has committed suicide knows, there is no other pain like that felt after the incident” ~ Peter Greene

Suicide: A Personal Story

Suicide: Yes, I need attention. Please take me seriously, even if I don’t!!

I have a real pet peeve about saying that people who talk about suicide just want attention like it is a bad thing. Attention is not a bad thing (do not tell my therapist...he will use it against me) and all behavior is communication and usually indicates a need, so they need attention. But, let's get specific what type someone to talk to, a companion, someone to play a game with, someone to help them with their medications, someone to help them with something...it is always a an indication of a want or need that they find this is the only way that they can express it. What are they really trying to say.”

For me, my whole life has been impacted by “just for attention, it is not that bad, she has always been dramatic.” This is especially so when it came to suicidal thoughts and behavior. I have lived with suicidal thoughts my whole life (first active memory at age two). I won’t go into the details here and the younger thoughts were not really formed, but just a sense of not wanting to be. I knew that this was not normal, but I felt like I was defective.

After more than 18 years of active therapy, group therapy, and four hospitalizations, I still have constant thoughts of suicide. My brain automatically goes there and under stress and especially highly emotional events I feel like I need to die. I now know that it is my saying that "I am in pain," "I'm hopeless," or "I need some help." This all is rooted in my childhood trauma.

In high school, I took an overdose of Tylenol before church, so my friend’s parents took me to the hospital and called my mother. My mother and step-father proceeded to yell at me about being stupid, etc… My mother was hysterical and angry and yelling at me. The emergency staff led them out of the room to my relief. I was released and my mother was told to take me to see a therapist who I saw twice. I told him I was fine and just wanted some attention. He just took at that and I never saw him again. (I now know that he was sort of incompetent especially working with teenagers). Just adds to my brain that wanting attention is not important. Also, my mother never talked about it again…to this day. She can’t even handle that I’m in therapy and not working. If I bring it up I get ignored.

A few months after that, two of my friends approached my mother and told her that they thought I was suicidal. Well, my mother dismissed them saying, “Well, CC has always been dramatic. She should have been an actress. She is just fine, but thank you for your concern.” Right now, I can barely feel the pain of the disappointment that maybe this once she will listen to someone else.

In college, I began seeing the therapist I now see and it took me over a year to tell him that I even had a suicidal thought. Sometimes I “forget” to tell him and try to handle it on my own just like before. And my head and feelings go, “he doesn’t believe me, he thinks I’m being manipulative or dramatic, he is going to yell at me or hit me, it isn’t that big of a deal, and I’m fine, I should not have talked about it.” My therapist takes me seriously and am encouraged to talk about it which is such a relief to me. My therapist does not over react and he trusts me and we do talk about whether hospitalization is necessary. Most of the time, it isn’t but he and I monitor the situation. After 25 years, it feels so good to finally be heard!!!

Please, read the rest of the week if you want to learn more about what signs there are, how to help and places to go for more information. To obtain immediate assistance always call 911, in the US, for assistance. There are some worldwide contact information as well on the side bar with links with more information.

National Suicide Prevention Week began 9.6.09

From September 6th through September 12th is National Suicide Prevention Week. This week's post will be dedicated to that effort. Remember we all can make a difference and if you need help it is available. Please call one of the help lines listed on my right side bar.

Happy Labor Day!!!

Meaning of Labor Day from Wikipedia:

The first Labor Day in the United States was celebrated on September 5, 1882 in New York City.[1] In the aftermath of the deaths of a number of workers at the hands of the US military and US Marshals during the 1894 Pullman Strike, President Grover Cleveland put reconciliation with Labor as a top political priority. Fearing further conflict, legislation making Labor Day a national holiday was rushed through Congress unanimously and signed into law a mere six days after the end of the strike.[2] Cleveland was also concerned that aligning a US labor holiday with existing international May Day celebrations would stir up negative emotions linked to the Haymarket Affair.[3] All 50 U.S. states have made Labor Day a state holiday.

The form for the celebration of Labor Day was outlined in the first proposal of the holiday: A street parade to exhibit to the public "the strength and esprit de corps of the trade and labor organizations," followed by a festival for the workers and their families. This became the pattern for Labor Day celebrations. Speeches by prominent men and women were introduced later, as more emphasis was placed upon the economic and civil significance of the holiday. Still later, by a resolution of the American Federation of Labor convention of 1909, the Sunday preceding Labor Day was adopted as Labor Sunday and dedicated to the spiritual and educational aspects of the labor movement.

Worship in Song ~ "The Great Adventure/Live Out Loud" ~ Steven Curtis Chapman

Ouch!! Funny Advertisement

Southern California Wildfires

ClinicallyClueless aka cc reporting from wildfire country of Southern California actually in between and mostly south. I know that the information is out of date and they have a better handle on the fire, but this was written on Monday. Regarding the current fires, information is very fluid, so in trying to write this post it was tricky. The following video was from Monday morning, August 31, 2009:

Out of date YouTube

It is now Monday evening on August 31, 2009. And, have things changed. As the deleted video mentioned, last night it doubled to 85,000. This afternoon I took a nap and ate dinner about 7:00pm and decided to finish this post. Well, the Station fire has now consumed at least 105,000 acres. There are several different fires, but the Station fire is the largest and only has 5% containment and is impacting many cities. The fire line now extends about 134 square miles.

The fire is impacting four Southern California counties and smoke covers almost all of Los Angeles County. I'm at the southeastern end of Los Angeles County and when I go outside, I start coughing and my eyes sting. Even, if you don't smell the smoke, the air quality is impacting all of the surrounding areas and the wind spreads it.


Today, California Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger issued emergency declarations for four counties due to raging wildfires. This allows the State of California and it's residents to request Federal assistance if needed. 6,000 homes are now in mandatory evacuation areas and the numbers are expected to rise.

Mt. Wilson, the key of Los Angeles's communication towers and hub, is within a half-mile of the blaze. Damage to the towers can disrupt television and radio broadcasts, cellular telephone service, and communication between law enforcement and other agencies.

The loss of the towers on Mt. Wilson would cripple fire, police and other public works agencies across Southern California. The towers and antennas are used to communicate in the field and relay signals to the dispatch centers.

"These are extremely-crucial to the infrastructure and public safety protection, and the daily lives in the L.A. basin," said Mike Dietrich of the U.S. Forest Service.

(DC-10 dropping red fire retardant to slow the flames.)

No one seems to be stating a cause, so I believe that it was of natural causes as our forests if left alone do natually burn as a normal part of the ecosystem. The area of the flames has been in a drought for more than 3 years and it has about 60 years of dry unburned brush.

The people toll is something that is just a figure and doesn't begin to account for the emotional toll on everyone even those not directly involved. However, two firefighters were killed and one injured while trying to assist a couple who did not leave during mandatory evacuations. (They are called "mandatory", but they can't force you to leave. Basically, it is a term for "your home is in emminent danger, so leave!") The blaze has burned 53 home with 1000s more in danger and with containment at 5%.

Two residents were rescued and were badly burned as they tried to ride out the fire, but were unsuccessful. Today, another 5 residents also did not heed the warnings either and it became too dangerous for ground or air crews to rescue them. After attempts were made, they were basically told to ride it out. (At this point, it is unknown to this writer what has happened to them.)

I pray for all those involved, that the usual Santa Ana winds don't begin to feed the flames and for comfort for anyone that needs it. Especially, the firefighters and their families and most importantly those that were lost...I keep becoming tearful...they put themselves at risk everyday. Please, if you ever are in a situation like this and you are told that you need to leave please do so immediately. Otherwise you put the rescue workers at risk, take them away from helping with the fire or someone else who may be in danger.

I know that I've asked this question before and we have had similar things like this, but what ten items not including family would you take?

Too Tired To Twrite

Between my upper respitory problems and being tired all the time and my therapy, delving into my current journal entry seems to be a bit too much for me. So, I will pick it up next week. I will try to put in something else of interest for the next few days. Thank you for sticking it out with me.

Past Journal Entry: 12/30/05 to 1/2/06 ~ Part II

PAST JOURNAL ENTRY: 12/30/05 to 1/2/06 ~ Part II

This is the second in series of entries from December 12, 2005 to January 2, 2006. My therapist is away on vacation and I am angry and taking it out on my husband. I am also having difficulty as I am fragmenting. At this point, I have a really difficult time with my therapist being away (borderline fear of abandonment and feeling "bad" about myself.) I still have difficulty, but not as much...well, as I read it...maybe, it was still a major issue.

Geoffrey,

...Yesterday and today, I woke up too late to work when I planned, so I'm feeling bad that I haven't done anywork and feeling anxious...like if I don't get caught up this weekend that I'm going to lose my job. Also, feeling bad that I accidently put one of my new tops in the dryer when it is supposed to lay flat, so it shrank some.

Also, feeling really angry with you...that I don't matter, you don't care, you're not coming back, I don't want to see you anymore, etc...I don't feel like I can handle this and I am really wanting to cut...making you not exist. I am fragmenting big time where I can't take into account anything except that he is not here for me.

Feeling bad that I've had difficulty scheduling things. Still having flashbacks. Sometimes, I just feel like screaming and just want to die..

Tonight, Friday, I became angry with my husband and am currently locked in the bedroom. We were going to watch "Fame" together, but I couldn't get the remote to work, buut he could. He told me to push the buttons harded and I showed him the light was indicating that I was pressing hard enough. I pushed a pile of magazines on the floor thinking that they might be in the way.

It didn't help, so I tossed the remote in my husband's direction hitting him in the leg or somewhere. He said, "ouch," then mad a motion like he was going to throw it...sort of mimicking me and asked, "why do you throw things?" I got up to leave, but he grabbed me and said he was sorry and didn't mean to make fun of me. He eventually let go and I slammed the beedroom door and locked myself in.

My husband really scared me when he acted like he was going to throw the remote. Then, I became angry that he was mimcking me and that he grabbed me. I really wand to cut and don't care about the promises that I made to you.

I'm feeling really bad...I just want to die. (Feeling bad was the whole goal although I didn't know it at the time. All roads lead to bad. I was angry at my therapist for being on vacation, couldn't express it properly and took it out on my husband, which in turn made be feel "bad." Partialy because it wasn't okay to be angry.)

Sometimes, the thought, "I hate you for leaving" runs through my head. Makes me feel worse. I really wish I didn't forget the mug (whenever, he went away, I would have his coffee mug with his name engraved until he came back). Reading the cards just seems to make me more angry because I don't have a current one, but the Christmas gift helps especially what it is...feels so confusing...and I want to cry because you are gone and I want to scream, one because I'm angry. Feel bad about both...want to make you not exist. (if he doesn't exist, then there is no connection, so I'm not angry or hurt...it doesn't "matter")

Obviously, I'm having difficulty for him just being gone for a week. It always kicks up some sort of crisis, so that he is "abandoning" me in my time of need. I am also still working, but the flashbacks, nightmares, inability to sleep, inability to focus are getting worse. Looking back, I really should not have been working.

REMEMBER THIS IS A PASTJOURNAL ENTRY.

To be continued.....