Emptiness I Can't Avoid Anymore

Fragmenting, tearful, agitated, defending with everything I have...all to avoid an emptiness that I thought I could hide away forever.

But, it is here...emptiness that hurts all the way to the deepest depths of my soul. A pain that has always been there, but the goal was to hide it away from even me.

But, it is here...emptiness that makes me nauseated, that hurts from the hair on my head to the tips of my toes.

Emptiness that can't be consoled, and that should have been filled by her (but, she didn't). Which I turned into deep self-hatred because I thought it was my fault.

Both emptiness and self-hatred make me want to just go away and not come back...too much pain and too many tears.

Meditate and Teach Your Brain Compassion!

Would you like to be more compassionate, empathic, or kind?

Well, scientific researchers are discovering that compassion or kindness meditation practiced by Tibetan Buddhist monks can alter peoples responses to be more compassionate. They measured participants brain activity using functional magnetic resonance imaging (fMRI).

Brain Blogger: Topics from Multidimensional BioPsychoSocial Perspectives had an article entitled, “Meditate to Learn Compassion” by Jennifer Gibson, PharmD. The following is an excerpt from the article

"The researchers concluded that the brain can, therefore, be trained to exhibit more powerful responses to empathy. People can learn to regulate thoughts and emotions and promote happiness and compassion through practicing compassion meditation regularly. Techniques for compassion meditation include concentration exercises that train attention, behavioral training such as practicing generosity, and cognitive strategies of self-reflection and visualizing the suffering of others. The long-term goal for practitioners of compassion meditation is to decrease egocentric traits, allowing altruistic behaviors to arise more frequently.

Scientists hope that these techniques may be useful for teaching compassion to children and adolescents and decreasing bullying and violence, as well as helping people prone to depression learn compassion for themselves. The researchers are planning a study to examine brain changes over a longer period of time of people who practice compassion meditation.

Meditation practices impact physiological pathways that regulate stress and disease-causing processes. Much attention is focused on meditation to improve attention, develop mindfulness, and calm the mind. However, there is now evidence that physiological processes are activated in meditation focused on cultivating compassion. An additional study found that engaging in compassion meditation might reduce stress-induced immune and behavioral responses."

For more information on what compassion meditation is go to the following links: Healing with Awareness and Science Daily.

The research is at the beginning stages and previous research has shown that any type of meditation or prayer has a positive effect on the brain, but they had not previously studied this area. To me, it has fascinating implications.

More empathy, compassion and kindness would sure make the global garden beautiful with vibrant, healthy, colorful flowers.

He Is Risen So We May Have Life!!!!!!

Good Friday, a day late!!!

Pushed Myself Way Too Much Yesterday!!!

7 Keys to make all your Relationships Richer & more Fulfiling!

Since I've been convalescing, I haven't had the energy to do much writing. This finally gave me the opportunity to share my friend, Arvind Devalia's 7 Keys to make all your Relationships Richer & more Fulfiling! I've provided an excerpt of the article. I've been wanting to share this with you.

Arvind's excellent blog is Make Things Happen: For Yourself and the World. Please go take a look at his blog...it will be worth it.

In the "About Arvind" section it states,

"Arvind brings his infectious passion for life and warmth for people to all his business and personal activities. His motto and message to everyone is “make things happen”.

Having just published his latest book “Personal Social Responsibility” (Sep 2008), Arvind is working with independent professionals, organisations and non-profits to bring a greater sense of ethics and Corporate Social Responsibility into the business world.

He is now also becoming established as a professional speaker and speaks passionately about how individuals and businesses can get what they want from life and at the same make a huge difference in the world.

He actively supports various social enterprises and charities – he has been involved with the Nirvana School in Pondicherry, south India for over 10 years now. "

"I delivered another public talk last week and it felt great to be amongst a group of motivated people making time in their busy lives for personal development. The theme was how to improve all your relationships and make them richer and more fulfilling.

It always amazes me how such evenings take their own shape despite detailed planning – it is almost as if destiny plays a part! As usual I feel that I was the one who learnt more from the evening.

I outlined my 3 Keys to GREAT relationships:-

1. Contribution
2. Connection
3. Completion

A key point that we discussed was how the ONLY thing you can ever give anyone else is your love and ACCEPTANCE.

It is incredible that human beings still believe that they can make someone else love them!

To end my talk, I summarised the key relationship learnings as below as a form of positive affirmations:-

1. I accept people totally and completely as they are and I allow others to be as they are. I know that they are perfect teachers for my journey of acceptance and understanding.

2. I look for opportunities to connect with, contribute and make a difference to another person at least once a day. This is what leads to true connection and fulfilment.

3. I am deeply grateful for all the people in my life who make my life so easy and rich. I show my appreciation at every possible opportunity.

4. I take nothing personally and accept that everyone is on their own journey of growth and learning. I forgive and let of any past grievances.

5. I look for the love and goodness in others for love is all that matters.

6. I bring more joy, happiness and love in my life and other people’s lives.

7. I will practice appreciation & gratitude daily and I promise to learn and improve my gratitude dance!!!

So there you are - go forth and apply these 7 keys in all your relationships and see how your life and your world is transformed. "

Remember to go and take a look at Arvind Devalia's blog Make Things Happen: For Yourself and the World. It will inspire your day !!! (Thanks for letting me steal this from you...it is a gem as you are!)

"Everyday" ~ Hillsongs ~ Worship in Song!!

Over Doing It ~ zzzzzzzz

I need to rest more. I keep over doing things. I think, I'm fighting denial about being sick. So, here are more pictures of what I should be doing a bit more of......

Feeling Out Of Control ~ Yikes!!!!

For those of you who do not know what has been going on, I will fill you in At the end of the year, I had a mass removed from my armpit that turned out to be non-cancerous. The holidays triggered my decompensation that ended up in a January/February 3 1/2 week psychiatric hospitalization. Then, I was in the hospital for seven days for pneumonia for which I am still recovering. Finally, the day after my discharge my father-in-law was diagnosed with terminal lung cancer and was told that he has one week to six months.

With all that being said, I am having difficulty with feeling out of control and overwhelmed. Also, one of the medications that I am taking for pneumonia has a lot of side effects which are freaking me out as it makes me feel even more out of control. I had a meltdown yesterday over it. (Adding to that being hospitalized for pneumonia brought on panic attacks, flashbacks and nightmares.)

For about three weeks, I’ve been taking the maximum dosage of my medication. Side effects usually occur at 20 mg and I’ve been taking 60 mg. Basically, I am experiencing most of the side effects which include tremors, insomnia, water retention, bloating, weight gain, and increased appetite. My psychiatrist said that some with increased appetite become a little manic-like when it comes to food.

Now, remember my eating disorder…well, I am feeling completely out of control. I’ve gained 10-15 pounds in the last week. At least, I’m recovering so I’m wearing loose fitting lounge clothing. I have two pair of pants that I can wear. My “perfect” well-meaning, wouldn’t give up anything for him, honest, loving, caring, sensitive husband took me to the doctor and stated, “You’ve never been that huge.” He has been apologizing profusely about that statement!! (I wonder what I can get out of it?)

Additionally, the rash I had is getting worse in areas. I have episodes of unsteadiness including dizziness, light-headed ness and feeling faint. I lack stamina, am tired and still have some episode of difficulty breathing.

Unfortunately, I have to take the medication for my pneumonia. The only other choice is to not take it and end up in the hospital again because I won't be able to breathe. I am titrating off it, but I won't be completely off until the middle/end of May. Many people have to go through this.

I AM FEELING OUT OF CONTROL OF MY BODY AND I AM FREAKING OUT ABOUT IT!!!!