Poem: March 27, 2003 ~ Emptiness...and Finally Hope

Emptiness...and Finally Hope

Emptiness I wish I could conceal
That this is what I really feel

Aloneness that seems to never end
I find no comfort even in a friend

Emptiness that makes me want to disappear
And feeling so much fear

Aching that feels like I'm gonna die
Sometimes now, I simply just cry

Tears of panic, rage and pain
Still, so much unexplainable shame

Feeling that deep down I'm bad
And also feeling so extremely sad

As a child feeling all alone
Especially when everyone WAS at home

Needing so much to talk
Instead, I took raging drives or lonely walks

Needing someone to listen and understand
Instead, I'd run and now I really want to stand

So hard to simply just sit
Somehow, I'm afraid of getting hit

Abandonment is such an overwhelming fear
I'm so afraid to let anyone near

Isolation has become a familiar friend
A sure way for my life to end

Alone rocking in a corner being numb
At times, even chewing on my thumb

Now, it is time to walk
And I want to talk

Anxiety the pressure on my chest
Sometimes, I just want to rest

Again, restful sleep does not come easily
Unknown nightmare are coming too readily

Memories again filling my head
Not as often do I wish I were dead

Kelly's world of pain
Triggered memories of my own shame

The temptation to control my weight
It is my body that I hate

Laxatives and diet pills
Is a way for me to kill

Killing the feelings that threaten to come up
One of my ways used to be throwing up

Starving a way to control
Lord, help me to continue to let go

I know that this really isn't my true struggle
And it is the killing of my feelings that gets me into trouble

Burning, bruising and cutting are no longer comforting friends
The strong temptation I want to end

Able to bring some of this to the Cross
Brings feelings of great loss

Nothing really left to gain
In my world of self-inflicted pain

Although the temptations are still there
I'm learning to turn to those who care

Panic comes again and again
I know others want me to win

Out of control is how I feel
But, I am becoming real

Learning more to safely cope
Especially from the Father who has given me tremendous hope

In You, I'm learning to be a daughter
As I allow You to Father

You've lifted me from so much hopelessness
Especially as I've allowed You to be the "Father of the Fatherless"

Extremely shaky inside
Yet, learing to stand with You by my side

At times, feeling really terrified
In my healing, I want the Lord to be glorified

My feelings I discover
As I allow You to uncover

Through all the feelings including pain
Intimacy with You is what I continue to gain

Bringing my little girl to Jesus' arms
There I'm learning to trust that there is never any harm

I your arms, safe and secure
I know this is part of Your "cure"

In Your presence, I've found peace and calm
And the figt of Your healing soothing balm

So much healing already ocmpleted
Reminds me of Your promises I need repeated

Your Word says, "I will not forget you."
Claiming this is what I need to continually do

So many blessings on my life You've poured
Seeing You glorified is such a tremendous reward

The emptiness only You can fill
I need to continue to exercise my will

When I want to disappear
It's Your voice I need to hear

Lord, I'm so full of fear
Continue to draw me near

Nothing really left to hold
But, Jesus no matter how old.

Poem: "A Child's Cry" ~ December 20, 1993

A Child's Cry

Will somebody hear my cry
Of the pain I want to deny

My behavior and what I want to do
Says how I feel too

Learning to understand
Why I try to reject helping hands

Wanting to disappear
Sometimes, means I'm so full of fear

Wanting so much to die
Tells of a need to cry

Wanting the pain to cease
Control of my eating is what I need to release

My behavior pleads
Somebody see a child's needs

Will somebody hear the cry
Of a child wanting desperately to die

A child long so
For a father that would never go

A father who won't disappear
And cause a child to fear

Keeping all the pain inside
The child tried desperately to hide

The fear that surrounds
Sends the child hiding underground

In a closet or in a corner
The child learned to be a loner

Scared to let anyone in
Never feeling like she fit in

All alone and crying
Bit by bit she was dying

I'm so scared to see
But, I know that the child is me

So scared to move
I keep trying to prove

Pain and anger in my starving
They never heard my crying

That I don't need a father
Apathetic at times - Why bother?

Little girl wanting him to bother
Simply just be my father

Alone and afraid with nowhere to run
Now, I'm learning to have fun

Emptiness that runs so deep
Now, I'm one of the Shepard's sheep

Now safe and secure
With the Father whose love is so pure

Learning to truly receive the love
From the Father of the fatherless

The more I experience my pain
Brings intimacy with the Father again and again

I still want to bruise, burn and cut
Now, instead more often I look up

Up to the Father
Who says, "I am here!"

Without fail His Fathering
Rings music, words and arms so comforting

I once vowed that I would never reaveal this card
That life without Daddy is hard

A child's life filled with chaos
All the time feeling so lost

Rituals of sef-mutilation tried to bring structure
To a world seemingly without future

But, now hope comes through the Father
He says, "You matter."

A little girl's heart being fulfilled
As He says, "You're beautiful."

He says, "You have precious gentle heart"
I know the love of this Father will never part.

1993 clinically clueless

Entry: March 27, 1993, Emptiness...and Finally Hope

Emptiness...and Finally Hope

Emptiness I wish I could conceal
That this is what I really feel

Aloneness that seems to never end
I find no comfort even in a friend

Emptiness that makes me want to disappear
And feeling so much fear

Aching that feels like I'm gonna die
Sometimes now, I simply just cry

Tears of panic, rage and pain
Still, so much unexplainable shame

Feeling that deep down I'm bad
And also feeling so extremely sad

As a child feeling all alone
Especially when everyone WAS at home

Needing so much to talk
Instead, I took raging drives or lonely walks

Needing someone to listen and understand
Instead, I'd run and now I really want to stand

So hard to simply just sit
Somehow, I'm afraid of getting hit

Abandonment is such an overwhelming fear
I'm so afraid to let anyone near

Isolation has become a familiar friend
A sure way for my life to end

Alone rocking in a corner being numb
At times, even chewing on my thumb

Now, it is time to walk
And I want to talk

Anxiety the pressure on my chest
Sometimes, I just want to rest

Again, restful sleep does not come easily
Unknown nightmare are coming too readily

Memories again filling my head
Not as often do I wish I were dead

Kelly's world of pain
Triggered memories of my own shame

The temptation to control my weight
It is my body that I hate

Laxatives and diet pills
Is a way for me to kill

Killing the feelings that threaten to come up
One of my ways used to be throwing up

Starving a way to control
Lord, help me to continue to let go

I know that this really isn't my true struggle
And it is the killing of my feelings that gets me into trouble

Burning, bruising and cutting are no longer comforting friends
The strong temptation I want to end

Able to bring some of this to the Cross
Brings feelings of great loss

Nothing really left to gain
In my world of self-inflicted pain

Although the temptations are still there
I'm learning to turn to those who care

Panic comes again and again
I know others want me to win

Out of control is how I feel
But, I am becoming real

Learning more to safely cope
Especially from the Father who has given me tremendous hope

In You, I'm learning to be a daughter
As I allow You to Father

You've lifted me from so much hopelessness
Especially as I've allowed You to be the "Father of the Fatherless"

Extremely shaky inside
Yet, learing to stand with You by my side

At times, feeling really terrified
In my healing, I want the Lord to be glorified

My feelings I discover
As I allow You to uncover

Through all the feelings including pain
Intimacy with You is what I continue to gain

Bringing my little girl to Jesus' arms
There I'm learning to trust that there is never any harm

I your arms, safe and secure
I know this is part of Your "cure"

In Your presence, I've found peace and calm
And the figt of Your healing soothing balm

So much healing already ocmpleted
Reminds me of Your promises I need repeated

Your Word says, "I will not forget you."
Claiming this is what I need to continually do

So many blessings on my life You've poured
Seeing You glorified is such a tremendous reward

The emptiness only You can fill
I need to continue to exercise my will

When I want to disappear
It's Your voice I need to hear

Lord, I'm so full of fear
Continue to draw me near

Nothing really left to hold
But, Jesus no matter how old.

Entry: December 20, 1993, A Child's Cry

A Child's Cry

Will somebody hear my cry
Of the pain I want to deny

My behavior and what I want to do
Says how I feel too

Learning to understand
Why I try to reject helping hands

Wanting to disappear
Sometimes, means I'm so full of fear

Wanting so much to die
Tells of a need to cry

Wanting the pain to cease
Control of my eating is what I need to release

My behavior pleads
Somebody see a child's needs

Will somebody hear the cry
Of a child wanting desperately to die

A child long so
For a father that would never go

A father who won't disappear
And cause a child to fear

Keeping all the pain inside
The child tried desperately to hide

The fear that surrounds
Sends the child hiding underground

In a closet or in a corner
The child learned to be a loner

Scared to let anyone in
Never feeling like she fit in

All alone and crying
Bit by bit she was dying

I'm so scared to see
But, I know that the child is me

So scared to move
I keep trying to prove

Pain and anger in my starving
They never heard my crying

That I don't need a father
Apathetic at times - Why bother?

Little girl wanting him to bother
Simply just be my father

Alone and afraid with nowhere to run
Now, I'm learning to have fun

Emptiness that runs so deep
Now, I'm one of the Shepard's sheep

Now safe and secure
With the Father whose love is so pure

Learning to truly receive the love
From the Father of the fatherless

The more I experience my pain
Brings intimacy with the Father again and again

I still want to bruise, burn and cut
Now, instead more often I look up

Up to the Father
Who says, "I am here!"

Without fail His Fathering
Rings music, words and arms so comforting

I once vowed that I would never reaveal this card
That life without Daddy is hard

A child's life filled with chaos
All the time feeling so lost

Rituals of sef-mutilation tried to bring structure
To a world seemingly without future

But, now hope comes through the Father
He says, "You matter."

A little girl's heart being fulfilled
As He says, "You're beautiful."

He says, "You have precious gentle heart"
I know the love of this Father will never part.