"I'm Comin' Out!!"

I "stole" this video from  Pierre le Roux's blog, Warfare: The Delightful and Dreary Sides of Gay Life.  So, I close Gay and Lesbian Pride Month 2010, with maybe a new trend of coming out!!!  Enjoy.

Coming Out by Pierre La Roux

For the second time, I have a guest writer Pierre le Roux who is from Pretoria, Gauteng, South Africa.  Today, he writes about his Coming Out. It is written beautifully and heartfelt. His is just one of thousands of others experience. It is written beautifully and heartfelt.

Like many of us we have our own "coming out" when we allow ourselves to be real with everyone. For me, it was to tell my family the truth of my abuse. Both are filled with trepidation, anxiety, many thoughts and what if's and some, like Pierre and myself can include estrangement from family for a time.  Today, Pierre shares an intimate process of his life of coming out to his parents.

On his blog, Warfare: The Delightful and Dreary Sides of Gay Life, his profile states, "I am the queer you either love or hate, either way my thoughts, views and opinions will keep you entertained. "

Pierre's blog states that it is about "The delightful and dreary sides of gay life. The views and experiences of a thirty something guy trying to navigate his way through life. Sometimes funny, sometimes serious, but always entertaining."   It is an excellent blog and quite well written and I follow it daily.  At times, it is serious, fun and entertaining at other times.  Either way, go take a look and see Pierre's blog, Warfare: The Delightful and Dreay Sides of Gay Life.

Coming Out

There comes a time in every gay person's life when the claustrophobia and social isolation of the proverbial pink closet becomes too much and you need to step into the sunshine as the fabulous and authentic person you are. A time when you no longer can deny your true nature and the truth needs to be revealed. This experience can be daunting, exhilarating, traumatic and cathartic. All openly gay individuals have their own unique coming out stories and this is mine.

On an autumn Sunday afternoon at the tender age of 16 I decided to step out of the closet. After Sunday lunch I decided to break the news to my utterly unprepared family. My decision to do so was threefold: Firstly, I have known that I was gay probably since the age of 6 (I kissed my first boy at that age); Secondly, I was growing tired of having to make up lies about why I do not have a steady girlfriend; and Thirdly, I no longer wanted to have to lie about the true nature of my "friendships" with certain boys.

I was considerate enough not to drop the bomb during lunch. I didn't want to spoil the meal or cause anyone to choke on their food and having the family drama spill over to the emergency room. During the washing up the words every parent fear left my lips "Mom, Dad. I am gay." It was received with a cold silence and a shocked pause. I remember my mother slowly turning around while losing her grip of a plate that shattered into pieces on the floor much like my heterosexual future she had envisaged for me. In a slow, controlled and slightly strained voice she asked me to repeat myself hoping for a different outcome. "I am gay," I hesitantly said again. The room flooded with tension, disillusioned stares where exchanged between my sister and father while my mother's eyes were burning holes through me. In her eyes, I could see the death of her imagined grandchildren and the perfect daughter-in-law. Without saying a word she left the kitchen, went to the master bedroom and sobbed behind a locked door for the remainder of the day. My father visibly distraught by my revelation later sat me down and told me that he had always suspected that I was gay. He explained that the gay lifestyle wasn't what he wanted for me, but if this is what I am he would try to accept it, but it wasn't going to be easy. My sister was fine with the fact that I am gay, apart from the sex part which "grossed her out".

The next day at school, I was unexpectedly called to the principal's office.  On arrival, I found my mother waiting for me. Being in an all boy school, my first thought was that my parents are going to pull me out of school as instead of the testosterone fuelled environment "butching" me up I still became gay. As things turned out she was fetching me to go see a psychologist. After several sessions (10 to be exact) with a slightly homophobic therapist he unenthusiastically revealed to my parents that I was indeed gay and it wasn't a phase. I remember my mother breaking down, wanting to know from the therapist what she and my dad did wrong causing me to be this way. The fears they had were also revealed: Was I going to get Aids? Am I going to start wearing woman's clothes or even get a sex change?

In retrospect, I guess I can't blame their ignorance as they never had much exposure to gay people and the stereotypes about the gay community were all they knew. After the therapist explained to them with great compassion that the majority of their fears were unfounded and that they in all probability didn't cause my homosexuality, their guilt reluctantly started to dissipate over the years to come.

Then the religious issues surfaced. How to be a good Christian and deal with your child being gay? Are you allowed to love your gay son who is condemned to hell by the Church? At this point both my parents had started to accept the fact that I am gay, but both were in denial regarding me being sexually active. You see being gay was not technically viewed as a sin, by them, as long as I didn't practice the lifestyle.

Unfortunately, my mother was yet again due for a rude awakening when she forgot something at home on her way to work. Returning home she walked in on me and my then boyfriend in the heat of passion. She almost died 20 deaths and my boyfriend was expelled from the house and remained in exile for 2 months. I am sure both my parents

spend an extra couple of hours in prayer that evening.

When I met, my now husband, I had been out of the closet for just over 5 years. Both my parents, by this time, had accepted my sexual orientation and lifestyle. They have almost come to view it as "normal" and I was no longer the source of family shame or the result of their souls' condemnation. My family welcomed my husband into our family with open arms, as he was the equivalent of the perfect "daughter-in-law", so to speak.

Unfortunately, at that time he was still in the closet to his family. After a couple of months, I ushered him out of the closet as I didn't feel comfortable dating a guy and having to lie to his parents. I gave my husband the opportunity to exit the closet on his own time and on his own terms. He came out to his family in a restaurant. Always a good idea as drama will be limited and he went with his own car for an easy exit.

After coming out and the truth about our relationship was revealed, I was banned from my husband's parents home for 3 years, but he was still allowed to see me. After 11 years, his parents too have grown to accept my husband and me for who we are and our

relationship for what it is. They now treat me like a son. It wasn't easy for them either, and like all parents I am sure their hearts were broken at first when the son they had didn't turn out to be what they had wished for.

Coming out of the closet is different for everyone. We all have different families and friends who react in different ways. Coming out is a rebirth and it can be a painful experience for all involved. Those of us who are lucky have family and friends who understand that even though we are gay and live a different lifestyle we remain the persons we were before we exited the closet. They love us just the same and wish us happiness and true love as they do everyone else. I have a lot of respect for families and friends of gay people who support their gay children and peers. They are the unsung heroes who should also be celebrated. As both my family and that of my husband have come to realize, having a gay child and brother is not the end of the world. We can still make them proud and live healthy, constructive and happy lives. This month I have been out of the closet for 16 years and am still proud, queer and here!

Rather Have a Gay Child than a Dead Child?

Today, I have a guest writer Pierre le Roux who is from Pretoria, Gauteng, South Africa.  On his blog, Warfare: The Delightful and Dreary Sides of Gay Life, his profile states, "I am the queer you either love or hate, either way my thoughts, views and opinions will keep you entertained. "

Pierre's blog states that it is about "The delightful and dreary sides of gay life. The views and experiences of a thirty something guy trying to navigate his way through life. Sometimes funny, sometimes serious, but always entertaining."   It is an excellent blog and quite well written and I follow it daily.  At times, it is serious, fun and entertaining at other times.  Either way, go take a look and see Pierre's blog, Warfare: The Delightful and Dreay Sides of Gay Life.

This past weekend tragedy struck. I was informed early Monday morning that a friend with whom I had occasional contact committed suicide. He decided to Come Out to his parents and family on Sunday and this was not well received. He then wrote a poem and published it on Facebook expressing his anguish.  Later, Sunday evening he wrote a farewell message to all his friends, and at the age of 18 he killed himself. I am not sure exactly what transpired between him and his family that caused this heartbreak, but it begs the question all parents of gay teens should ask themselves - Would you rather have a gay child or a dead child?

Admittedly when I received this sad news I had many questions. However, I soon realized that "would haves" and "could haves" will not bring him back to life and "what if's" will not turn back the clock. Many people say that suicide is a cowardly act, but I think until you have been to the edge of despair and imprisoned in the dark cloud of hopelessness none of us can judge. Yes, I admit that I blame his parents. Their reaction and/or intolerance could have been the final catalyst that pushed him over the edge.  However, none of us know the true course of events preceding his death and the pain his parents and family must be experiencing none of us can begin to fathom. This wound will scar his family for many years to come, but let's hope something positive will emerge from this, even if it's just a lesson or a wakeup call for other families.

Sadly, suicides amongst gay teens aren't uncommon. Gay youths are 2-4 times more likely to take their own lives than their heterosexual counterparts.  There are many reasons for this but the top ranking reason is Family Rejection: Being still dependent on their families for both emotional and physical support, being rejected by their primary support structure could be devastating. The actual or imagined threat of being disowned, left homeless or being physically harmed by a family member could further discourage gay youths to reveal their sexual orientation; when they then do Come Out and any of these fears materializes the result could be fatal. Furthermore, the added stress of living in a society that is homophobic also place further stress on both the gay teen and their family and discrimination and ignorance underlies many instances where gay youths committed suicide.

On a social level gay teens also face several other challenges that could seem insurmountable. Apart from running the risk of being ostracized by their friends, becoming victims of bullying and/or hate crimes, even in their own religious community they may face discrimination that legitimizes homophobia. All these factors make the Coming Out process more treacherous and unappealing, forcing these teens to hide their sexual orientation from people around them. For those gay teens that have traits stereotypically associated with homosexuality hiding their sexual orientation becomes even more difficult and they are most at risk to fall prey to homophobic attacks and more likely to attempt suicide and succeed.

Luckily, many Gay Community Centers have been established to support gay people of all ages dealing with issues ranging from Coming Out to Mental Health Issues. In several countries there are also hotlines that can be phoned that provides free counseling and support not only for troubled gay teen but also for their families. However, like I have experienced this week for some help comes too late and who is to blame for this?

With my friend's suicide I can't help but wonder why a young man at the age of 18, about to enter the prime of his life would end it so abruptly. Yes, he may have faced some, maybe all or even more of the challenges I mentioned here. But having had access to Gay Community Centers and friends why did he not reach out and cried for help? Some would argue the poem he wrote was just that - a cry for help! Many people did see it as such and appealed for assistance which they received, yet none of it saved him. He slipped through all the proverbial cracks in what I now believe to be the flawed GLBT support structures. Maybe we have become to reliant on Community Centers to do all the work in our communities for us, maybe we have become too self-involved that a simple kind gesture of reaching out to our fellow human beings (gay and straight) have become too much of an effort, maybe we have lost our sense of empathy and humanity, just maybe all of us are to blame.

The world has lost a gentle soul. His death is a tragic one and leaves us with many  unanswered questions. Questions that may never be answered, but on their reflection might just improve each and every one of us, enlighten others, help save lives and guarantee that one person's untimely departure may leave a positive and lasting change.

Till next time...