Melt Down! Progress?

How can one have a total melt down and have your therapist consider it progress?  Well, it all starts with anticipating a concert, Carole King and James Taylor Troubadour concert tour.

Well, I began my day with getting my blood drawn for some tests.  Then, I went to therapy and hour away.  Session was really tought, so my therapist suggested that if I want that I could come back in an hour after his next appointment.  Three hours later, I'm headed home which took an hour.  Usually take a nap, but there is not time.  My husband and I go to the bank to obtain cash and I discover I made a $2000 dollar error, so I have less money than I thought.  Pick up dinner. Meet park and ride bus to head toward the Hollywood Bowl...Friday rush hour traffic and takes over an hour.

The concert was fantastic and was extremely sad when it was over and couldn't believe how fast the time had gone.  Carole is now 66 and James is now 62...wow how time flies and they sounded great.  Now, for the tricky part.  The concert was completely sold out and the Hollywood Bowl has the capacity of 17,376.  There is only one way out of the theatre including a short tunnel that has a low ceiling, which we made arrangements not to use, (last time there, I had a panic attack).  Imagine over 17,000 only being able to move in one direction...cow time...moo!!

Well, there was one police officer directing people to use the tunnel and the rest of the officers were doing a traffic break so we could cross the street...confusion.  Then, it is packed by the buses and quite confusing and again wall to wall people, rude people and different directions given.  I was getting quite agitated.  Then, I was push on two sides by two very large and tall women and the man in front of me stopped...I felt trapped and confused.  And, I started to scream.  My husband calmed me down and we were the first on the bus....make way for the crazy lady.

I was thinking that what I did was bad and meant I wasn't making progress in therapy. But, when I saw him he was proud of me because normally I would have internalized my anger and taken it out on myself.  Instead, I directed it outward and let others know that I was in distress.  Now, we need to figure out more appropriate ways of dealing with situations such as these.  He was glad that I screamed and we speculated that there were many others that wanted to do the same.

Here is a video of one of the songs they sing:  One of my favorites, "Up on the Roof."

James Taylor ~ The Concert That Wasn't!!

We had concert tickets last night to see one of my favorite artists, James Taylor, at the Greek Theatre, which is a beautiful outdoor venue in Los Angeles. I was having somewhat of a difficult time prior to the event as I knew that I really didn’t feel like going due to my depression. However, I knew that I would have a good time once I got there. Maybe, not as good as normal, but would have enjoyed myself. Now, he is someone that I have lost track of the number of concerts that I’ve been to. He gives a great performance and The Greek has such fantastic sound. I just love his music.

Well, as usual, I took my PRNs prior to becoming anxious. We fought Los Angeles traffic in during rush hour and arrived one and a half hours later. We had a nice picnic dinner in our car along with two other couples doing the same on each side of us. Now, the Greek has what is known as stacked parking which is crazy. Basically, as you arrive you get directed to park in rows behind each other, so you only get to leave it the cars around you leave and give you the space you need to get out. The cars are all packed in and it is a free for all to leave. However, we were lucky because we were in the front row of an exit. Lucky meaning…if you get lucky enough and the line of cars in front of you lets you in to leave. LOL!! It is really a great spot.

I started to have difficulty with some of the noises around me toward the end of our dinner, but I was okay. I was taking my PRNs regularly. So, we walked down to the theatre, the young security guy had the nerve to confiscate my 1 ounce sealed bag of potato chips. Power hungry kid!! Most of the people, would have let me take it even though you are not supposed to bring food in. In hindsight, I wish I would have started yelling, “I’m nauseated and those are the only chips that help. Now, unless you can provide the same type for me to purchase, I’m taking them in.” I really would have done it too (maybe not), but not make too much of a scene. Maybe, if I wasn’t old enough to be his mother and were cuter and wore my sexy outfit, I could have gotten my little bag in. What sexy outfit? LOL!!

Anyway, I purchased a cool shirt that looks like an eye chart in the backside. The woman said, “for some reason these are selling the best.” I told her, “that’s because we are all getting old, can’t see and can relate to it.” She laughed, I purchased the last one in my size. The seats we had were nice and dead center.

Then, it started to happen. I began to have a full blown panic attack. My chest tightened, everything started to echo and things started to look distorted. I was even more hypervigilant to the point that my husband’s own voice startled me. I felt like everything was closing in and no one around us was seated yet. My husband suggested we go home, but I wanted to wait to see if the last dose of medication would help. Things got worse and he asked what I wanted and although I didn’t verbalize it the first thought was, “I want to go home.” Everything kept getting more distorted and I felt like I was going to faint or die. He asked what I wanted and I started crying and said, “I want to go home.”

We left and didn't have a problem leaving since we were in the front row. But, I kept apologizing because we spent good money for the tickets, the water, and the parking. I wanted to see the concert at that point. I felt and feel so bad both about needing to leave and emotionally and physically. My husband kept reassuring me that I was more important than the money we spent. Once home, I curled up next to him on the bed and he stroked my hair and I fell asleep in his arms.

It is 4 am and I’m feeling a bit on edge, really bad about last night, my body aches from the tension and also a little confused on why things got so bad. My session was not that rough that yesterday. However, Monday was and resulted in a special extra session on Tuesday, so maybe I wasn’t doing so well. I haven't been sleeping either. I don’t know, I’m trying to figure it out and I’m feeling really bad. At least, I have therapy today. So that was the concert that wasn’t. In honor, of not being there, here is a You Tube video of James in concert singing our favorite song, (Whenever, I See) Your Smiling Face.