Still in process with Grandma...

I am still trying to process my Grandma's passing. At the last minute, I changed what was to be read at her service, so I thought that I would share it here.  Please, forgive me for my repetition. The following is what I wrote and was the final version of what was read at the service:

Grandma,

I don’t even want to write this letter because I never wanted to say “goodbye.” But, I need to say, “goodbye.” Somewhere in my head grandparents never go away, but that is in my head like some of your “crazy” thoughts were. I imagine your bony strong fist hitting me now. I know that you didn’t go away and leave me, but that is how I feel. I really am happy that you didn’t suffer much and angry that you had to at all. I didn’t want you to die and am having a really difficult time acknowledging that I don’t have you to visit or call anymore…or tease. You were not supposed to leave…ever.

(I have know idea who the people on the left are, but this is a tribute to my grandma, so this is quite fitting.  She would purchase picture frames and leave the original picture in it and everyone would ask who is that...LOL!!)

I don’t think that I would ever been ready for you to leave me. I know that we didn’t express it directly often, but we did continually express our love for each other. I know that you loved me and I hope that you know how much I loved you.

I’m sorry that my health prevented me from seeing you more during this last year and especially on the last day that you were talking and joking. I really wished I could have been a part of the “fresh hamburger” event. But, I love hearing it and telling it. I am glad that you were able to recognize and say, “hello” to both Adrian and I. I’m glad that I was able to hold your hands and let you “kill” them while I “head butted” you when you were in pain. *BONK* For me, that physical closeness was such a gift. I just wish that I could have felt your skin more, for you not be in pain and for you to be able to tell me “leave you alone or shut up!” I hate remembering the pain you were in…even in dying you were super strong…ouch!!

I keep remembering the last time that I saw you was in the hospital. I kept telling myself that I wasn’t going to see you due to my health risks, but when I got the telephone call at 3:15 AM telling me that you were not going to make it…All I started to think of was that I needed to say “goodbye” to you and be with family. Again, you brought the family together. We all love you. I love you. I can hear you saying something funny about the time it took to get to you, that I actually took time to wash my hair and about the mask and gloves that I had to wear. I can hear you make funny sounds and faces about them.

I miss you and some of the normal everyday things like going grocery shopping, recreational shopping, going shopping for some gift, purposeful shopping and more shopping. I know that it wasn’t about shopping, but I do know that when you were younger that I would get tired before you. I think that everyone got tired before you. Going to the market with you seemed like an all day event to me as a child. It seemed like you knew everyone in the neighborhood and just HAD to talk with everyone.

Oh boy, did you have a sweet tooth and could eat despite what others saw later. I liked getting money from you for the ice cream truck…but the truth is that you wanted one too! When Halloween came, you would purchase extra candy and stash it away. Well, I’m sure you knew that most of us knew and that we “stole” some and that you probably purchased extra for yourself. The boxes of See’s candy that came to your house were different…they all had holes on the undersides. I guess that is just the way they were made.

I’m so blessed that I have very young memories of you and living with you like going to the market, mall, pharmacy, optometrist, post office, etc…normal everyday activities and you were always friendly. Although it bothered my sinuses, I miss the smell of your make up, your bedding and clothing. I remember bouncing into bed between you and Grandpa and just chattering away with the both or you. I remember holding your hand feeling like my life depended on it…everyone was so big!! Even though, I don’t have a specific last memory of you not being in the hospital, I have a wonderful sense that when I was young you protected me, made me feel safe and secure…your sweet treats which you actually wanted were always nice too. I enjoyed helping and eating dinner with you and everyone else.

You have to admit that you we’re a bit obsessed about vacuuming as you vacuumed twice per day because of the dog hair and even tried to vacuum the dog. Even when you broke your leg and it was in a cast you tried to vacuum. You sat in one chair and your broken leg was on other while you tried to move around with the two castered chairs vacuuming. You were always a silly woman and the whole family has inherited that...Silliness will live on.

You were always a good sport and willing to play all the children’s games with me. One of the most memorable times was when you played the board game “Beat the Clock” which was based on the television show. I’ll never forget you sitting, and then grabbing your ankles and had to walk in a large circle to beat the clock. I think it was called a duck walk. We were all laughing. You did really well because you didn’t tip over even while laughing. But, then again you were really strong. At one Thanksgiving, there was a pull up bar for doing chin ups and no one not even the adult men could do one, but you showed them you did three!!! You weren’t a woman to be messed with.

You always had this thing about curling her toes all the time which we dubbed the “Adachi curl.” You were even doing it in the hospital bed. I didn’t know that was strange until I was married as everyone in the family always did that. The spouses probably all thought that it was strange including using our feet to pick up things. That is from your side of the family and will carry on.

One of my favorite memories of you was at one of the Bingo family reunions. Down this long hallway, auntie Tetsuko and you saw each other. Immediately, you both assumed a pseudo-sumo pose and “tough” faces and made your way down the hallway to greet each other. When you were close enough you hit one another and laughed then hugged and kissed each other. I was laughing so hard that it made my stomach hurt. Oh, there are so many memories with you that that are warming or make me smile. I already long to hear you talk, repeating me over and over, laughing, making faces and just being around and just to touch you.

My memories and how you helped to raise me are wonderful hugs from you or a hit on the arm, both convey the same thing. It really brings a smile to my face and warmth to imagine you and Grandpa seeing each other again. I hope you didn’t hit him hard enough or make him laugh enough to fall off his cloud. I’ll continually receive hugs from both of you via the fleece jackets, I finally “stole” from you. I really miss you and Grandpa. But, today is “Goodbye, Grandma…I love you and miss you so much that I hurt to my core.” I love you and always will…Coleen

Homework!!!

Well, my therapist gave me homework on Monday.  He wants me to send a positive memory of Grandma to my whole family everday.  The goal is two fold.  One, it helps me to be present in the moment of having memories of Grandma.  Two, it maintains non threatening, non attacking communication with my family. I've been getting a bit paranoid about this as I'm afraid that I will get attacked.  But, so far no responses at all which is okay as the assignment is for me and my benefit. I does feel good to share my memories.  I have to do this everyday until the day before her service. So far, the following is what I've sent:

1. Remember that Grandma had to go down the list of everyone's name until she got it right. Forever, I will remember that I was Arcoleen and Arleen was Coarleen. However, the best one is when she got stuck and called Joy, Barney!!!  (Barney was the dog.  Joy was the youngest in our family)
2. Do you remember when that special day came where the aroma and her special towel came out for hair coloring day! Yuck!! And, if you were around you had to wipe the excess off or her neck...eww.
3. Hello Everyone, just me sharing another Grandma moment.  Although I never saw it, but legend has it that Grandma, who wasn't afraid of much, but ran from a huge tomato worm that Grandpa was carrying. Love, Coleen
4. I remember that she wore "designer" jeans before anyone else in the family. After she retired, she wore jeans everyday. Ooooh, la, la, Sasoon.

By the way this grieving stuff is difficult. My therapist pointed out that I know how, but I just won't allow myself to do so. Also, again...I have difficulty expressing my feelings. And, "all roads lead to bad," which is just self-hatred. I told him that I don't think that I grieved Grandpa.  His professional respone was "no duh." LOL!!

Memories of Grandma!!

Below is what I wrote that is to be read on the February 19th at Grandma's service. It is later than usual due to out of state relatives.

Having lived with Grandma and partially raised by her was a privilege. She was protective, a good sport when it came to being teased, friendly, caring and physically strong…no one better have messed with her. When I was young, I called her, “baba,” as I couldn’t pronounce obachan (Japanese word for grandmother) or grandma.

Where do I even start? I can talk for hours about things I remember. The butter incident, the picture redo, the faces, hitting, her sweet tooth, hours of marketing, the snoring incident, the duck walk, the x-files incident…oh the list could go on an you would never understand a thing. But, I will say that she LOVED butter and had an enormous sweet tooth.

When Halloween came, she would purchase extra candy and stash it away. Well, she wasn’t very good at hiding it as I knew where it was. I bet she knew I was “stealing some” and probably purchase extra for herself. Also, have you ever seen a box of See’s candy with all the undersides having holes…I guess that is just they way they were made.

Going to the market with Grandma seemed like an all day event to me as a child. It seemed like she knew everyone in the neighborhood and just HAD to talk with everyone. But, it showed her caring and friendliness which all of us have.

Grandma was a bit obsessed about vacuuming as when I was young, she vacuumed twice per day because of the dog hair. She even tried to vacuum the dog. Even when she broke her leg and it was in a cast she tried to vacuum. She sat in one chair and her broken leg was on other with her moving around with the two chairs vacuuming.

We used to call her “parrot” as she repeated everything you said. One of the most memorable times was when we played the board game “Beat the Clock” which was based on the television show. I’ll never forget her sitting, and then grabbing her ankles and had to walk in a large circle to beat the clock. We were all laughing including her. But, then again she was really strong. At one Thanksgiving, there was a pull up bar for doing chin ups and no one not even the adult men could do one, but Grandma did three!!! Like I said before, “don’t mess with her.”

Grandma was really a good sport about being the butt of many a joke especially from Grandpa like the time he convinced her that the “X-files” were real FBI cases. Poor Grandma, but she got everyone back by making faces or gestures behind your back. The faces that she made were quite silly. And, she had this thing about curling her toes all the time which we dubbed the “Adachi curl.” I didn’t know that was strange until I was married as everyone in the family always did that. The spouses probably all thought that was strange including using our feet to pick up things. That is from her side of the family.

One of my favorite memories of Grandma was at one of the Bingo family reunions because it really demonstrated the type of person she was. Down the long hallway, auntie Tetsuko and Grandma saw each other. Immediately, they assumed their pseudo-sumo pose and “tough” faces and made their way down the hallway to greet each other. When they were close enough they hit each other and laughed then hugged and kissed each other. I laughed so hard that it made my stomach hurt. Oh, there are so many memories that mostly make me smile.

I miss her and her laugher, talking, making faces and just being around. However, she will always be a part of me through my silliness, my talented feet and the Adachi curl. I love you Grandma, always have and always will…I bet you are making everyone laugh in Heaven. Just try not to make anyone laugh so hard that they fall off their cloud or push them off their cloud.

A Part of My Heart is Gone

On Monday, February 1, 2010 my Grandma passed away. When she became ill, she lasted about two weeks.  Previously, she was spunky, silly, loving and full of life. Our entire family was with her when she passed away. It is quite difficult for anyone to understand my grief, for she helped to raise me and for several years, I lived with my grandparents. Sometimes, I get the feeling from others including my family that she was "only my grandmother." 

They left a great legacy.  Despite all of the in fighting and disagreements and people not speaking to each other, we all came together as a family.  We set aside our differences and grudges and focused on Grandma and supporting each other.  My grandparents formed us to "always" be a family in the tough times.

My heart feels like a part has been ripped out. I am sad, angry at her physician, and depressed.  My therapist told me to just let myself be whatever that may be in that moment instead of "shutting down" my feelings which just makes it worse. I have a difficult time doing this.

Dr. David Kessler, Grief and Loss Specialist for Tributes.com offers the best and the worst things to say to someone in this grief state :


The Worst Things to Say:


* At least she lived a long life, many people die young.
* He is in a better place.
* She brought this on herself.
* There is a reason for everything.
*Aren’t you over him yet? He has been dead for a while now.

My Additions: Things that I've heard or have been told.
*It is part of life.
*What did she die of?
*You have your memories of her.
*When was the last time you saw her?
*Were you close?
*At least she is not in pain anymore?
*It was good she went quickly, so she didn't suffer.
*Was she a Christian.
*She is with the Lord now.
*She is with your Grandpa now.
*I understand, when my __________, I___________.


The Best Things to Say:


* I am so sorry for your loss.
* I wish I had the right words, just know I care.
* I don’t know how you feel, but I am here If can help in anyway.
* You and your loved one will be in my thoughts.
* My favorite memory of _________ is _________

My additions:

*Listen to them talk.
*Allow them to laugh and cry.
*It is okay for you to cry also.
*Hug the person
*Send a sympathy card.
*Be there for them.
*Let them grieve in their own time...everyone grieves at different rates and may come up after a long while.
*Provide support or an outing on anniversary dates (i.e. holidays, her birthday, the date of her death, etc...
*Be specific with what type of help you want to give. i.e. grocery shop, make or take telephone calls, provide a meal at the date they specify, etc...

I love you Grandma and miss you!!!

Stressed Out

Last time, I wrote about Arleen and Judy and what happened on Monday and Tuesday.  Wednesday, my therapist told me to just relax that day and take care of myself.  Well, that was fine until, my husband and I recieved a call telling us that my Grandma only has 25% of her lungs working and was given one day to six months. We don't yet know anymore detail even what is diagnosed with, but I'll update as I know. The nursing home gave me some information and put me down as a person to release information to.  I did get to talk to Grandma who seemed a bit confused and was having difficulty breathing and has 24 hours a day oxygen.  I expressed some concerns and was directed to speak with the nursing supervisor tomorrow. Now, I'm really stressed and getting more depressed.

Thursday, morning I called to obtain information and was told that Susan (my mother) had specifically asked that my name be taken off...I was really pissed.  What a passive-aggressive thing to do!!!  To my surprise Judy called and gave me some information.  The conversation focused on Grandma and the conversation went well.  She also called in the evening and spoke with my husband about Michael (uncle) and Susan looking for a board and care for Grandma without telling anyone else.  Now, Arleen, Judy, my husband and I were/are totally against this as Arleen and Judy wanted Grandma to live with them.  (Where would you want to live the rest of your life and pass away?  With strangers? or with your loving family?)  Michael stated that "they lived too damn fucking far away." (in reality it is closer) 

Michael did ask did ask for information regarding what to look for in a good facility.  I sent him some information and also expressed that I thought that Grandma would be better off living with Arleen and Judy.  By the end of the day, Judy told my husband that they told my Grandma that they were selling her home.  (However, no one had yet told her that she was terminal...such sensitivity!).

On Friday, I called Grandma to see how she was doing.  She really wasn't able to talk, but she was able to tell me that she might die that night according to her doctor and that she had pneumonia and was waiting for Susan to tell give consent for medications.  I called Micheal and he confirmed what Grandma had said.  I immediately called Arleen and Judy.  Arleen stated, that she would make some telephone calls to find out what was going on.  We hung up the telephone with both of us saying, "I love you."

Arleen called and clarified what was going on and made sure that Grandma understood that she was not going to die that day.  She was also taking medications for her pneumonia and the consent was for an appetite stimulant.  In the meantime, the whole family was getting ready to come to the nursing home which was 30 minutes to two hours away for all of us.  But, once Arleen clarified this information we all relaxed somewhat and didn't go visit.

(Before this Judy had called me in the afternoon, to let me know that her mother had died and we talked for a while without any tension and no mention of what has been going on between the two of us. I really felt badly for her as there was so much for her to deal with.)  Judy also called later and talked about Grandma and about her mother...it was a good conversation.  I think, she felt supported.

Drama and Depression

(Tomorrow, I've written about this week's Monday and Tuesday.  However, last night which was Wednesday, my husband and I recieved a call telling us that Grandma only has 25% of her lungs working and was given one day to six months.  We don't yet know anymore detail even what is diagnosed with, but I'll update as I know. Please pray for my Grandma, family and I.)

Okay, I am going to try to remember what my husband told me about his two hour conversation with Judy and Arleen.  I'm glad that he took some notes.  I was a good thing that I was asleep and didn't know about it especially since Judy reportedly did not want me in on the conversation. 

Apparently, earlier in the day Adrian had emailed Judy letting her know that he has some information that might help her to understand me better.  She was mostly responding to my second message to Arleen.

Adrian indicated that the tone of both of their voices were that they were venting.  He could tell they said what they wanted to say and that I was all bad to them. Judy did most of the talking and Arleen wasn't even listening.  It was only when Adrian wanted to explain some things that Judy got on the telephone.

Back to what Judy told Adrian.  She stated that I was rude, disrespectful, cruel, egocentric, never apologizes, never listens and everything has to be about me.  She started to explain how my Grandpa's funeral became all about me and that I made Grandma being in the nursing home about me and that God forbid that when she passes that I will make that all about me too.  (That is absolutely not true verified by others)  Judy also stated that she is closer to Grandma then anyone else in the family.  (Bullshit...I was extremely hurt that Arleen did not counter anything Judy said).

Judy stated that she knows more about nursing homes as she has had to work with staff directly and wasn't in and out, but stayed for full days sometimes, so knows better about nursing homes. But, she listened to me as I went on and on with about a 50 point sheet sheet of what to look for in a SNF. Judy stated that we know better that her and that she just kept going on and on about stuff we already knew.  (She was referring to my addressing my uncle as he had expressed a lack of knowledge about SNFs.  While going through the list she would state oh that was something I didn't think of and at the end I asked if she had anything to add.  She indicated that she was appreciative and that my experience was different in working with SNF and was valuable.  She managed to exclude me from a meeting for my Grandma)

Judy stated that she listened for hours about my problems, but I never listen to her. (In actuality she talks about 75% of the time, and I often am not able to talk about the reason that I called her.)  She stated that I never support her. (Previously...She has told me that I can ground her like Arleen can, that I am a good listener and someone that she can talk to that will listen. I also called her four times during Arleen's surgery to provide support.) 

It was asked if Gary was a good therapist because after so many years, I should behave better and have more awareness and take responsibility for my cruelty.  Arleen indicated that the whole family can be cruel.

Adrian shared quite extensively about what he talks about in therapy and that night for the first time I shared with him about my session and the "bad" things.  (I really felt betrayed for awhile, but quickly go over it once he apologized.  I knew that he was only trying to help, but that he wasn't heard.  They heard only what they wanted to hear.)

Unfortunately, Adrian told them many things including that I choose to fragment, him kicking in the door because he was so angry at him, saying cruel things and pushing him away.  He indicated that after he thought about the conversation that his indicating that he was listening made it sound like he was agreeing with everything Judy was saying.  He did say that I don't fragment all the time and that I am getting progressively better and that I do take responsibility when I am not fragmenting.

Adrian stated to me that he shouldn’t have offered to help. They didn’t understand that what he was saying was to help them understand. They didn’t get it and I made it worse, gave them more fuel, they only heard what they wanted to. (I felt so badly for him.)

Judy and Arleen both ended the conversation with feeling sorry for Adrian for putting up with me and surprised that he has stayed with me and hasn't left or divorced me. Also, that Adrian’s emails and telephone calls are under duress due to my pressuring him.  They told him that they understand how I am and that he can call them anytime and that for now, they need to protect themselves, so they will have no contact for now.

I really can't say anymore or my observations other than the one's that I indicated in the last two posts.  However, I am very depressed, the suicidal thoughts are loud and the self-injury thoughts are really intense.  But, I am safe!!!  So, much for 2010 being boring so far.  Sigh.

2010 Not Starting Out As Boring!!

As my regular readers know, last year was quite an eventful year.  So, many people have been praying that this year would be boring. Well, it isn't starting that way.  Over the weekend my 88 year old Grandma was hospitalized for difficulty breathing.  They did some testing, but gave no diagnosis and were going to send her home with oxygen.  However, their own reports state that she is weak, not eating and is still having shortness of breath.  She also lives alone.

Although it would have been better for my Grandma to stay in the hospital a couple more days, the hospital without notifying family transferred her to a skilled nursing facility (SNF) for rehabilitation to include physical therapy and respiratory therapy.  I have seven years experience with working with many SNFs, but am extremely frustrated as know one seems to want my opinion or cares about my advice.  Again, I feel like I don't exisit.  It is also creating additional friction within the family.

In therapy, we've been working on my self-hatred, so it has been quite difficult and I keep going into "I'm bad."  Grandma's situation has added to that as I am not able to visit, help figure things out, advocate for her.  I really want to visit with her, but due to my immune system and continued respiratory problems, I have been forbidden by my doctors to go to hospitals and SNF...I know they are right, but I still want to provide support in person and check the place out.  I did call her last night and it seemed to lift her spirits.

Needless to say, I am very concerned, frustrated and my feelings are easily hurt.  What happened to boring?!? Please pray or send up good thoughts for my Grandma and my family.  Thank you.

Addendum...

Now at 8:30 am, I'm feeling a bit sorry for myself and like I don't exist with my family and that my opinion and experience doesn't matter. Who cares that I've spent seven years of my career working with my clients who resided in skilled nursing facilaties and know them inside and out. Last night, Judy (my aunt's partner seemed ticked off and countered ever thing I said. My aunt didn't come to the telephone even when I had a specific question for her.


This morning, I sent an email to my uncle offerring my assistance in giving him some ideas of what to look out for. Then, I even sent an email to my mother with two suggestions. My uncle responded to my mother's email, but not the one I sent to him. I just feel like I don't matter and know one wants my opinion. I "feel" bad.