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Disclaimer: Although I have worked with persons with mental illness for twenty years, I do not have a Master's Degree or a license. This is not meant to be a substitute for mental health care or treatment. Please obtain professional assistance from the resources listed on the right of the page, if needed. And call 911 if you or someone is in immediate danger.

A key word that you will see:

Fragmentation: a mental process where a person becomes intensely emotionally focused on one aspect of themselves, such as “I am angry” or “no one loves me,” to the point where all thoughts, feelings and behavior demonstrate this emotional state, in which, the person does not or is unable to take into account the reality of their environment, others or themselves and their resources. This is a term that my therapist and I use and is on the continuum of dissociation.

Thursday, July 17, 2008

Who am I?

Mike's and Tamara's blogs both had this MEME and left it an open tag, so whoever wanted to do it could. I thought it was very interesting, so I am going to give it a go.


I am: a child of God, His daughter.

I think: too much. Need to verbalize and/or write more.

I know: that that I am not alone in my healing journey.

I have: a blessed life and a wonderful husband.

I wish: that depression and PTSD did not turn my life upside down.

I hate: injustice, lies, twisted truths especially when it comes to Jesus and some of the horrible things people can do to one another.

I miss: enjoying my life.

I fear: my feelings and trusting others.

I hear: too many negative thoughts in my head. Not voices, just my own thoughts

I smell: my coffee. How comforting and soothing.

I crave: chocolate and cookies right now. Want cookies!!! (I'm trying to reduce the simple refined sugars in my diet!!! Want cookies!!!)

I search: for God's presence everyday and find Him.

I wonder: why God allows so many horrendous things to happen. I know all the Biblical reasons, but bottom line I am not God and I will not know. It is probably better...our tiny brains are probably not equipped to handle such things.

I regret: nothing. Eveything I've said or done was something that I cannot take back, but I can try to make it better now. Remind me that when I'm being hard on myself.

I love: God, my husband, my family, my friends and some of the people I've met in blog world for they have touched my heart.

I ache: all over, as a feeling, but can't put words to it.

I am not: bad, evil or deserve to die. (Keep telling myself, keep telling myself, keep telling myself...brainwashing is hard to deprogram)

I believe: that people can change. If you look enough and they let their defenses down that everyone has value and worth and something to give.

I dance: (when not depressed) at concerts, during worship songs at church, while doing housework with music on.

I sing: (when not depressed) most of the time especially if there is music playing.

I cry: during happy and sad movies and for other people's pain. However, this is difficult for me to do for myself.

I fight: my inner battles of ambivalence inside myself.

I win: because I lived through my traumas and now have a great life.

I lose: my mind...if found, please send it to me ASAP. I'll pay for shipping and handling fees.

I never: n/a. Too polarized of a word.

I always: n/a. Too polarized of a word. No, change that to I always love my husband even when I don't like him, I still love him with everything that I have.

I confuse: others sometimes because I can be intensely serious to completely silly. People have difficulty putting the two together. Right, Bradley?

I listen: well to others. I am always working on listening to God and to myself. The latter being the most difficult.

I am scared: of trusting others and my feelings especially rage, terror and pain. Also, of my needs...I don't have any needs...lies!!! (oh, I'm having a conversation with myself. Hey, it is private. Don't listen in. Don't worry. I'm just fine!)

I need: to allow others into my life and to trust more.

I am happy about: that I have a great life now...I just wish I could hurry up and deal with the past and move on. In reality, I really do have a good life now with the exception of dealing with major depression and post-traumatic stress disorder.

I imagine: a world where God's love is the only thing we can see...one day when there is no more tears, pain, horror, terror and evil.


I would like to tag no one. I will follow Mike's and Tamara's leads and tag anyone who wants to give this a try and then leave me a message so I can see what you wrote.

15 comments:

Mike Golch said...

I am so with you on the wish one!

you have done a great meme,I enjoyed learning more about my FRIEND. Hugs and Blessings.That's my story and I'm sticking to it!

Tamara said...

Clueless,

Excellent job! Thanks for taking up the challenge. Did you have to make me think of chocolate chip cookies??? ;-) Actaully the dough is better! I love that you imagine a world where there is no tears, pain, horror, terror or evil. That would be a good world. Hopefully someday it can be possible.

Thanks, Clueless!

Hugs,
Tamara

Clueless said...

@Mike. I know, I know. However, my therapist says that my life is turning right side up that it was upside down before...I'm not an Aussie either.

I also liked learning more about you. These type I like because of that factor.

thanks,
Mike

@tamara. Ooooooo. Chocolate chip cookies. I really miss being able to bake. I'm a really good baker and used to do that all the time for fun, but since my depression hit...haven't been able to make a boxed mix. I don't like the dough, but have at it.

The Bible promises what I imagine!!!

I really enjoyed getting to know you better with this MEME...those are the only ones that I will do.

Thanks,
tamara

human carvery said...

I may attempt your meme shortly, never done one before!
Was actually coming to say I made this for you, thanks for teh intro to wordle
http://wordle.net/gallery/wrdl/73885/For_CC

mini uk

Tracy said...

Wonderful meme, you had me laughing at the lose your mind comment. Laughing because i relate. It was good getting to know you better!

Disjointed Thoughts said...

Those were wonderfully answered, Clueless.

Clueless said...

@mini uk. You really made my day. I was having a rough time with flashbacks and you surprised me and made me feels special. The Wordle is fantastic. I have it on the bottom of my side bar. You really touched me...made me tearful.

@tracy. I'm glad you enjoyed it. It was fun...just because I'm depressed doesn't mean I can laugh sometimes...good sign.

@disjointed thoughts thank you.

catatonickid said...

Beautiful. Funny, poignant, cool.

This is definitely one of the best memes I've seen. Really neat, CC, though it does look like hard work. As usual your honesty, and self-awareness is just awesome =)

*hugs*

Clueless said...

Thanks. It became easier after I decided just to type the first words in my head. This one looked like fun and I was able to share a little more of my personality. :-)

Wandering Coyote said...

Thanks for this. I see a lot of commonalities in your list and in mine.

Mmmmmmm...cookies...

Clueless said...

The heck with it, I've got to get cookies this weekend!!!

Strong & determined said...

Clueless,

I'm so glad you did this MEME. I learned a lot about you, and I enjoyed getting to know you better. I gained some insight for myself too - I am with you on the "cry." It is SO much easier to cry or offer compassion for someone else and their circumstances - than it is for me to do that for myself.
Take care,
Rebecca

Clueless said...

Rebecca,
Thank you! I hope you are doing better. I like the MEME's that help people to know each other better. It is funny how we don't want people to know us by our mental illness, yet on our blogs that becomes the prevalent thing that we know each other by. Crying is such a difficult thing for me! Come back and visit me some more. I'm going to be visiting you.

take care,
Clueless

Bradley said...

Thank you for this MEME. I feel I know you much better now...and I mean in a good way. :-)

Clueless said...

Thanks for clarifying that...you could of had me going for awhile. :-)

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