The flashbacks of this and what my step-father did when I was at home alone with him keep coming back and in my nightmares. I know I need to talk about it, but there wasn't enough time. Talked about my psychiatrist appointment and increasing depression today. I don't want hospitalization, but I'm not sure if it might help. I getting more and more hopeless as things get deeper and I talk. I've grown weary of the flashbacks. I'm tired of just hurting all over and I feel like I just need to really sob. I just want the aching, suicidal thoughts, urges to cut, hypervigilance, sensitivity to what everyone says or doesn't say, waking up with "I need to die," the emptiness and the flashbacks to stop. When does it end...I know depression is a natural response to all of this, but when does it end...it has been a long time with the flashbacks. My depression always gets worse during summer and we are looking at that and everything in me says, "no!"
I don't know why I wrote this, if it relevant or rambling or both or if it makes a difference. Maybe, I just won't publish it. I don't know. I am questioning every decision that I make. Not in a good space. Not in a good space...need another PRN to calm down enough to think. *Sigh*