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A key word that you will see:

Fragmentation: a mental process where a person becomes intensely emotionally focused on one aspect of themselves, such as “I am angry” or “no one loves me,” to the point where all thoughts, feelings and behavior demonstrate this emotional state, in which, the person does not or is unable to take into account the reality of their environment, others or themselves and their resources. This is a term that my therapist and I use and is on the continuum of dissociation.

Thursday, July 17, 2008

Past Journal Entry: July 22, 2005 ~ 6:00 pm

Geoffrey,

I haven't been feeling very good since last night. I was really feeling bad and felt like when I got in my car that I detached and just went away. Felt like that when I got home which is why, I think, I pushed my husband away. Also, why I didn't leave too many messages with you ...not that I didn't thing to do so. However, at work, it was a little difficult as I had a two-hour meeting in the morning at the office.

I've felt buzzy and been having trouble staying present even during my afternoon meeting. I've been feeling really bad and kind of sensitive to everything. Feel like I've just been going away. The thoughts have been loud too. Really, really want to bruise. Having flashbacks too. Feel like crying.

I remember how bad I felt all the time and confused and scared. I wish I could stop seeing my step-father or my mother's face when they were angry. I was so scared. I sometimes feel my mother grabbing my right arm to get my attention or to slap me. She grabbed really hard. Sometimes, I can feel him grabbing my left arm to yell at me. Sometimes, I can hear them yelling at each other or at me and how scared I was and how my stomach hurt and how much I just wanted to cry.

And, I keep having flashes of the whole Barbie thing, including the physical sensations, how much it hurt, how terrified I was, how angry I was at both of them, how painful it was that no one listened to me, how bad I felt, how confused and how much I wanted to cry, but didn't.

Just the look in his eyes scared me. I wasn't sure how much he was going to do because he seemed so out of control and so angry with me. I remember dreading my mother coming home because at that point, I think, I had already given up hope that she would listen to me. She listened to what he said and that was it...she always believed whatever he said, so he set me up sometimes. I can feel myself going away right now.

Felt like everyone was so angry all the time. I guess they were. The look he had in his eyes was the same look he had when we were at his parents in his bedroom. By then, I really knew not to make a sound especially cry. It was the same look that he would get when he would scream at me. My chest and stomach really hurt. I really want to just disappear...make it all go away.

There is also a small part that wants to talk to you and not carry it on my own. There is also a part that says, not to talk because I already have talked about this stuff. I really was scared all the time of him and of my mother. I'm tearing up a little.

Observations:
I am back to work after taking time off and continuing to have greater difficulties despite the increased medications. I felt like I was barely holding it together, but felt like I had to...it was like I couldn't lose control over work too. Work and school were always two places that I excelled and I kept thinking I'll get caught up which, under normal circumstances, I could have.

In actuality, I was having greater and greater difficulties at the time being present and focusing. I was still seeing Geoffrey, I think, five times a week. Yesterday, I was talking with a friend who was also a coworker, but left before this time. She is one of the few people that know about this blog. We are alot alike and she asked me, "What the hell were you working for? Your ass should have been out of there!" I told her that in writing my blog that I realize that I should not have been working or functioning at the level that I was. Then she said, "You had to keep it together at work for you." Looking at it now, I think it was a pretty unwise decision, but I don't think it would change my actions. Thing is no one at work really knew. Oh, I was also rapidly losing weight which was being monitored and people began to make comments at work.

5 comments:

brainmenu said...

I can relate to what you are saying about work. One of the difficult things I found was some of the symptoms of my disorder were taken by colleagues to be strengths and therefore actively encouraged.

Work know about my illness and everyone has been very supportive and plenty of people have crept out of the woodwork and explained that they have had mental health issues as well.

Hopefully, none of them know about my blog as that's kind of personal.

At the moment I am unable to work but I really do miss it. The interaction with other people is sorely missed. Luckily, I can comment on peoples blogs so at least I get some interaction with people.

Tamara said...

cykgvClueless,

I am amazed at your ability to be able to work with all that was going on. I had to stop several years ago because I just was melting down, too overwhelmed with the emotions and my lupus was flaring horribly so I was in so much pain. You showed great fortitude by continuing on with your work. Do you still work now?

Take care,
Tamara

Clueless said...

@Tamara. No, I took a necessary medical leave in February 2006 and never returned to work. There were management changes that were toxic and my manager was targeting me and retraumatized me. I was cutting at work 3-4 times per day just to get through the day. I knew that if I did not take the leave that I was headed toward hospitalization. Also, that I could not return to work. I could have pulled it together, but the cost would have been my healing. It was the best decision that my husband and I made for me not to return to work...therapy became more intense and remains so. This stuff would not have come up if I were working. So when do I get cookies?

GO! Smell the flowers said...

Interesting that you wrote this almost 3 years ago - does it feel like 3 years or does it all roll into one long memory?

Just wondered..

Clueless said...

It feels like it was longer than three years. I think because I see my therapist four times per week. It doesn't seem to role into one long memory because I'll talk and have flashback about one then go to a different one and later return to the same ones. Each time, the feelings and discoveries are deeper. That was a good question. Thank you!!

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