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Thank you for visiting. Content MAY BE TRIGGERING ESPECIALLY FOR THOSE WHO HAVE EXPERIENCED ABUSE, STRUGGLE WITH SELF-INJURY, SUICIDE, DEPRESSION OR AN EATING DISORDER. Contains graphic descriptions of suicidal thoughts, self-injury and emotional, physical and sexual abuse. Do not read further if you are not in a safe place. If you are triggered, please reach out to your support system, a mental health professional or call 911.

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Disclaimer: Although I have worked with persons with mental illness for twenty years, I do not have a Master's Degree or a license. This is not meant to be a substitute for mental health care or treatment. Please obtain professional assistance from the resources listed on the right of the page, if needed. And call 911 if you or someone is in immediate danger.

A key word that you will see:

Fragmentation: a mental process where a person becomes intensely emotionally focused on one aspect of themselves, such as “I am angry” or “no one loves me,” to the point where all thoughts, feelings and behavior demonstrate this emotional state, in which, the person does not or is unable to take into account the reality of their environment, others or themselves and their resources. This is a term that my therapist and I use and is on the continuum of dissociation.

Saturday, July 19, 2008

Hear the debate in my head!!

Word of warning...this post is not preplanned, so it is the ramblings off the top of my head...

I am at a point in my past journal entries where I begin to defend, project, and fragment more which means that my therapist becomes the target of a lot of my feelings and my borderline traits are shining through. It really is about my process of therapy, but it is embarrassing because of the way I behave, the thoughts in my head and my feelings. I know they are not based in any reality, but it is how I was handling things.

One part of me says that I need to share it because it shows me how far I've come. Also, says that others may benefit from seeing and hearing the interaction and craziness between myself and my therapist. Maybe, I won't feel so ashamed if I let it out in the open and it was how I was handling the intensity of therapy and working at the same time and what led up to my hospitalization.

On the other hand, does anyone need to or want to hear it. Why should I reveal it. I don't have to. I can just get into the part of my journal where I'm dealing with the flashbacks. No one really needs to hear the whole process.

However, it does put everything into context and how trusting my therapist came to be...with a lot of anger and pain. Sigh, I guess, I just am embarassed about it all and don't want people to think I'm crazy. But, it really does show my borderline thinking in action and I've come so far. So, maybe it will help me and others.

Then, what do I want? Huh? I started this thing to tell my story and I really didn't think about it, but this is part of it. My relationship with my therapist through it all brings me to where I am today...and it is real. And the commentary I add will give me better perspective. Sigh...I didn't think that this would be so difficult which usually means that I'm supposed to share it.

I think my head is saying that I am boring people with my past journal. I'm not thinking very clearly and I am not in a good place. It is hard because right now, I keep hearing in my head all the things my mother used to scream and say to me...it is very loud. So, guess what my Wordle assignment for the weekend is. I need to put all those things down into a Wordle. I started yesterday and was so overwhelmed. Now, I am really rambling...I'd better stop.

11 comments:

mini uk said...

hello, my first reaction was oh yes please sahre it! May help me with my own feelings with my therapist, but at the end of teh day this is for you, we just happened to call by, you aren't boring, you have a real way of writing, with great description in a totally real way, it's like hearing you, hopefully that will make sense??

Good luck with wordle BTW your last comment about wordle made me laugh, you're not an addict isn't that what addicts say, "worlde isn't a problem for me!"

Take care of you, we'll be hear reading/listening whatever you do

Mike Golch said...

Here is the beauty of haveing a blog it is yours and yours alone what and how you write it is your right! if people get bored with it OH well. I have been there my self. Now what I do on my blogs(both of them)is to please myself first and foremost. if I get comments I get them if not I do not. every ones blog is unique to our selves.I know that I am guilty of reading and not commenting. here is why there are times I just do not know what to say. so I just stumble mu way thru life and I hope that I saw something that someone can use. I think that is why I keep changeing my sign off.
I try to please every body all of the time.that is something that is not easy to do.So with this being said,use your blog as YOU see fit.
Hugs and Blessings.

julz said...

I have just started reading your blog, but I think what I have read so far has been very interesting and helpful. You are very candid and honest, which is hard for most people since their first instinct is to be defensive and over-explanatory.

However, as mike mentioned, it is your journal, so you shouldn't share these experiences if it is hard for you or if it sets you back in your recovery.

Thanks for sharing what you do!

Anonymous Drifter said...

I don't think you should feel ashamed or embarrassed by anything you share. I write a blog and it's totally just for chronicling my life and getting stuff off my chest. I know my writing isn't going to help others or be a guiding light, and yet I still write. It helps me see patterns in myself that I might overlook and helps me to understand myself better. Your blog however, is wonderful to read and must be a help to many. Please feel free to write whatever you wish. It could help yourself as welling as aiding others.

Clueless said...

Thank you julz. I need to go see your site. I think I just want someone to tell me what to do instead of making a decision for myself.

Yes, drifter...you are right. Thank you for the encouragement.

Tamara said...

clueless,

You know I have great respect for you and the way you share your story. It has helped me so many times to see the courage that you exhibit. You also have many wise insights into yourself and the entire process of healing from abuse. So, I encourage you to continue to share but only if it is safe for you. You come first, always. I cannot imagine this supportive community of survivors ever judging you for what you share. If someone else happens along and has a problem with you writing then maybe they are just coming from a place of ignorance and their opinion need not matter.

I am here and will be here whatever your decision.

Hugs,
Tamara

Clueless said...

Tamara, thank you. You are very wise. I've decided to let everyone read about my craziness as it escalates into hospitalization.

austin said...

Sometimes I do things the exact opposite of what I'd like to do just to contradict the mother's voice in my head. If she's saying this is the wrong way, you're embarrassing yourself, making a fool of yourself then for me it makes more sense to keep going than to stop. To stop is to lend power to a coward and I don't want to do that. My advice to you, keep going, keep writing for the past and the future...keep writing.

Your support is so much more now. You are not alone in this.

Austin

Clueless said...

Thanks Austin, I know you are correct. The other thing in knowing myself is that I wouldn't have written about it if I wasn't going to go forward despite my ambivalence. Sheesh...I can't even fool myself.

eeabee said...

I'll just add one thing to what others have said--hearing about the difficulties with the therapist relationship are helpful too--I have trouble with attachment in this relationship and feel crazy for having that trouble sometimes and it helps to hear how others experience that.

Thanks for your honesty!

Clueless said...

eeabee. Thank you for visiting my blog. You are doing the right thing if you are having certain types of difficulties with your therapist and it is important to look at it. I have decided to continue to post my journals including the relational stuff with my therapist...it is normal and I do hope that it helps others.

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