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A key word that you will see:

Fragmentation: a mental process where a person becomes intensely emotionally focused on one aspect of themselves, such as “I am angry” or “no one loves me,” to the point where all thoughts, feelings and behavior demonstrate this emotional state, in which, the person does not or is unable to take into account the reality of their environment, others or themselves and their resources. This is a term that my therapist and I use and is on the continuum of dissociation.

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

PAST JOURNAL ENTRY: July 27, 2005 ~ 6:20 pm ~ before session

Geoffrey,

I got through my afternoon meetings okay. Actually, I think, I did some good work with some difficult situations. But, it was like the moment the meeting ended the flashbacks, wanting to die, wanting to kill myself, make purchases and cut and bruise myself started even before I would leave the room.

Your call this afternoon was helpful, as well, as your recordings. [I was having a continually escalating difficult time with the thoughts and flashbacks. I was also calling him much more than before.] I went home in between meetings just to use the restroom and was tempted to bruise, but I remembered my promise to you this afternoon during our telephone call and did not do anything. Waiting for the Metrolink train to pass, I thought about that being a way to kill myself, but I wouldn't want to put anyone through that.

I've been thinking about what my step-father did is in a different category than his father, Jon and the day program. Then, I began to remember some of those incidents. After the time with my step-father, his father used to come into the room in the morning when I spent the night there or if his mother were with a client and I was taking a nap. I thought, I figured out a way to stop him in the morning as I remembered I started waking up first and then going into their room. He still bothered me sometimes during my nap or if we were alone in the garage he would put his hand in my underwear and put his fingers inside.

With Jon, I remember going to Magic Mountain with him on year and had a good time just the two of us. I even have some pictures of the park which had recently opened. He took me the following year and I had a good time. But, when we got to the parking lot, he had me lay down in the back seat, took my shorts and underwear off and forced himself on me. We never went anywhere together again. I remember thinking I made him mad, that I did something wrong because he didn't like me anymore.

At the day program, I remember one of the Mexican staff used to somehow get me away from the group to a fairly secluded areas at some of the parks. He would sort of playfully tackle me to the ground and put his fingers inside me. But, after one outing there wasn't many people left and I was playing billiards back at the center with the Kinks, "Lola" in the background.

He took me and his friend to one of the activity rooms furthest away from the everyone and locked the door and he forced himself on me. Then, his friend, who I thought was going to do the same, took some sort of wooden handled thing, like a broom handle or something...it was painted red and shoved it into me which really hurt. I remember the feel of the plastic mats under me sticking and just staring at the color blocks on the wall. He used to give me special treats like ice cream and let me sit in the front seat. I thought he liked me.

What my step-father's father, Jon and what happened at the day program was bad, but somehow I really put it in a different category and discount it as it wasn't as bad as what my step-father did...they seemed gentler. Seems confusing.

Observations: At the time that these memories began, I was in much denial. Also, I did not have all of the details of the extent of the sexual abuse from my step-father, his father or Jon. I also kept trying to really minimize what did occur. What I know now is that everyone except for the day program guys participated in sadistic ritualistic sexual abuse, but first gained my trust. As a result, my feeling betrayed and that I did something wrong was really heightened. In my journals, I can tell that I am slowly remembering details of the abuse. To this day, I still have a few new memories. I'm really tired of them and wish that it would stop.

5 comments:

thestranger said...

Its very brave and courageous to share these things about yourself. I wouldn't compare what happened to me to your experiences, but it gives me encouragement and inspiration to deal with the things I've been through. I hope I can learn to open up about it like you do.

Clueless said...

Stranger, Thank you!! Opening up to someone, my therapist, was the first step. It has taken me 17 years of therapy to get to the point where I just want to tell the truth in a more public fashion...anonymous of course. Blessings for your journey.

Tamara said...

(((((clueless)))))

Mary said...

I hate the memories or flashbacks that I have,and it is so great that you can open up. It is part of the healing, and we will all get there. take care..hugss Mary

Clueless said...

Having the distance of about three years helps, but it remains difficult reliving it as I type my old journals, not to mention the flashbacks that I am currently having. Thanks...we will all get there.

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