Tribute to my Father-in-Law

A Life That Touched Others is Gone

Yesterday (Sunday), at around 4 am, my husband and I received a call from his family to let us know that my husband's father had passed away. When the telephone rang, I did not want anyone to answer because I was pretty sure at 4 am what the call would be. Sadly, I was right my husband's father had passed away quietly, painlessly in his sleep. I think that would be the best way to go and am comforted by this.

I've been thinking about his life and the relatively short time that I knew him out of his 89 years. He had a tough life, yet was not bitter. He worked hard as a gardener without finishing or evening having any former schooling. At one time, he owned two homes. One rental home was his retirement fund. Smart man! All of his children, were able to go to college.

Besides the more "material" things. I loved him and am thankful that he gave me such a wonderful husband who is much like his father. Everytime, he saw me he would have this wonderful smile on his face. He was smart, observant, funny, giving, fair, honest and had integrity.

Not having much money, my husband tells stories of how he became a collector and "creative." Such was the time he built a dining room table out of material he either had, found or purchased at yard sales (a favorite hobby). He made a table with that was sturdy and functional, but had four different legs!! I always thought of his home as Sanford and Son meets Gillian's Island.

I think that he knew I was "the one" for my husband. He loved baseball; however, during one of my early visits, he changed his routine. He usually would just watch it in the other room while everyone else sat around the dining room table and talked. Well, for me he would turn it off and sit with everyone. The first time this occurred, my husband said, "my Dad likes you." Score!!! I remember how handsome and proud he looked on the day we were married and him lighting the candles. Sorry, it one candle was stubborn.

Right now, all I can do is think of his smile that I will miss so much. I am sad that he is gone and miss him very much.

Another Hospitalization?

There has been a lot of stress in my life since the end of last year and I know many of you know it, but for those who don't quick summary :

October 2008 ~ mass removed, possible cancer, benign.

Thanksgiving/Christamas ~ family stress/with just the holidays as usual, but with triggers this time and begin to decompensate.

Jan/Feb 2008 ~ 24 day psychiatric hospitalization

March 2008 ~ not unpacked from hosp yet and have 7 day hosp for very serious pneumonia

March 2008 ~ day after I'm discharged from the hospital my father-in-law is diagnosed with terminal lung cancer, hospice in place, given one week to six months.

April 2008 ~ father-in-law not doing well, as of Thursday has 24 hour awake hospice nurse in home.

I feel like I've been rapidly having more difficulties with depression, focusing, making decisions, fragmenting, ridged thinking to no thinking, staying present, feeling disconnected and on the verge of disorganizing.

On Friday, my therapist brought up the idea of hospitalization as is increasingly difficult to find and use my coping skills. However, I am trying to keep it together for my husband as I think his father is going to decline much more rapidly than expected and I want to be there for him.

Also, the hospital that I would go to is no longer a preferred provided as of 4/1/09. The copay is 40% and I really can't go anywhere else. I'm just so confused and don't know what I need or what to do. Maybe, I just needed to say that. Thanks for listening.

Still Learning to "BE" ~ Healing Journey

Still Learning to "BE" ~ Healing Journey

Accepting how scared and angry,
I was at being in the hospital for pneumonia
Is something I could not face.

Flashbacks and nightmares increasing
as the month went by all because

feeling out of control and helpless
it was something I could not embrace.

I’ve already talked enough about it,
the details and even wrote a letter.
But, I continued not to feel emotionally any better.

I lived in fantasy world with everything
twisted, just to survive.
Now, to live there continues to deprive.

This I learned to slowly die as my way of being
To “be” is what I need to do and
fight back the lies I’m slowly seeing.

The lies that tell me “Don’t talk,“
“I’m okay,” “I don’t need anyone” and “I’ll be just fine.”
The constant banter in my head is not benign.

Those and other lies lead to
self-injury and other self-destructive ways
For this therapy sometimes feels like a maze.

Therapy has saved and opened my life to who I really am
Someone that deserved much more than I received
And, too often instead I was betrayed and deceived.

Now, into the Father’s arms I securely belong
In Him and others, I finally find security and comfort
But, learning to do that for myself takes much effort.

Emptiness I Can't Avoid Anymore

Fragmenting, tearful, agitated, defending with everything I have...all to avoid an emptiness that I thought I could hide away forever.

But, it is here...emptiness that hurts all the way to the deepest depths of my soul. A pain that has always been there, but the goal was to hide it away from even me.

But, it is here...emptiness that makes me nauseated, that hurts from the hair on my head to the tips of my toes.

Emptiness that can't be consoled, and that should have been filled by her (but, she didn't). Which I turned into deep self-hatred because I thought it was my fault.

Both emptiness and self-hatred make me want to just go away and not come back...too much pain and too many tears.

Meditate and Teach Your Brain Compassion!

Would you like to be more compassionate, empathic, or kind?

Well, scientific researchers are discovering that compassion or kindness meditation practiced by Tibetan Buddhist monks can alter peoples responses to be more compassionate. They measured participants brain activity using functional magnetic resonance imaging (fMRI).

Brain Blogger: Topics from Multidimensional BioPsychoSocial Perspectives had an article entitled, “Meditate to Learn Compassion” by Jennifer Gibson, PharmD. The following is an excerpt from the article

"The researchers concluded that the brain can, therefore, be trained to exhibit more powerful responses to empathy. People can learn to regulate thoughts and emotions and promote happiness and compassion through practicing compassion meditation regularly. Techniques for compassion meditation include concentration exercises that train attention, behavioral training such as practicing generosity, and cognitive strategies of self-reflection and visualizing the suffering of others. The long-term goal for practitioners of compassion meditation is to decrease egocentric traits, allowing altruistic behaviors to arise more frequently.

Scientists hope that these techniques may be useful for teaching compassion to children and adolescents and decreasing bullying and violence, as well as helping people prone to depression learn compassion for themselves. The researchers are planning a study to examine brain changes over a longer period of time of people who practice compassion meditation.

Meditation practices impact physiological pathways that regulate stress and disease-causing processes. Much attention is focused on meditation to improve attention, develop mindfulness, and calm the mind. However, there is now evidence that physiological processes are activated in meditation focused on cultivating compassion. An additional study found that engaging in compassion meditation might reduce stress-induced immune and behavioral responses."

For more information on what compassion meditation is go to the following links: Healing with Awareness and Science Daily.

The research is at the beginning stages and previous research has shown that any type of meditation or prayer has a positive effect on the brain, but they had not previously studied this area. To me, it has fascinating implications.

More empathy, compassion and kindness would sure make the global garden beautiful with vibrant, healthy, colorful flowers.

He Is Risen So We May Have Life!!!!!!

Good Friday, a day late!!!

Pushed Myself Way Too Much Yesterday!!!