Therapy Goals for 2010

Yesterday, in therapy, we established some things to work on during this next year.  I am scared as I know that he is going to push me hard.  He told me that I am strong enough now to handle it.  Reluctantly, I know that he is right.  He told me that he expects me to get angry, but that he wants me to push back and exercise that muscle and give it a voice and not just take it. 

This does not mean that he won't be nurturing and comforting, but that he will be pushing much more than I am used to him doing.  Some things that relieves my anxiety and being afraid are...that I know he has my best interest, we've been through much together, he has demonstrated and gone beyond his commitment to me, he cares and that he loves me.  He said that he cares and loves me and does not want to see me make myself suffer and wants me to reach my goals and so much more. He has also always said that he plays to win. If he wins, everyone wins. If I win, everyone loses. And he plays only to win. Which means to me that he knows that I can win.  Next year, is really going to be hard work. 

I don't really remember some of the goals, but this is what I do remember:

Thinking and Reality.  Start living in reality with my thoughts rather than the fantasy world that I have in my head including negative thoughts about myself.  This also means breaking down denial about my past, and looking at how it effects me and the truth about my family.

Staying present.  As he pushes, I will naturally withdraw.  I want to learn how to stay present and in the interaction.  This was his idea and I agreed because I know this has kept me from so much in my life. Everything mostly seems threatening.

Mother.  Continue to come to some sort of resolution and decide what type of relationship that I want with her.  Also to learn how to manage my feelings, thoughts, expectations and behavior with her.

Arleen.  Same as above. I'm much further along with my mother than with Arleen, my aunt.  This is painful just to write about.

Mirroring.  Learn how to not look to everyone and every situation as an evaluation of my self-worth.  To be who I am and not try to be the distorted reality that my thinking creates. This has caused me to live an extremely painful life and has stopped me from accomplishing some of what I really want in life.

GRE.  To prepare to take the GRE.  I really have a block in taking this.  I score really low on standardized test even though in the practice testing I do well.

Volunteer. I want to volunteer at the Gay and Lesbian Center in my area.  It will provide satisfaction and my desire to work with people, socialization, challenging new environments, pushing me out of my comfort zone, and prepare me for school. 

In talking about this, I began to become angry that for the last nine years my life has been turned upside down with my memories and PTSD.  I used to be able to do this, but I haven't really been able to function and things that used to be easy for me are much more difficult. 

My therapist talked about how the cost of being able to over function in these areas was huge.  It was my way of unconsciously repressing my memories which was why I have so many dysfunctional ways of coping including my eating disorder, self-injury and suicidal ideation.  For the first time in my life, I have gone almost two years without self-injury and I actually have days when I don't even think about it. I can't believe it and it is all because I've been really focusing on my work in therapy instead of using these things as a defense.  I had really lost hope that it would ever change.  I do know that in times of stress and deep emotions that self-injury will be one of my first thoughts.  However, I am doing great in this area!!

Go back to church.  In my thirty years of being a Christian, I've never really stopped going to church.  I feel a bit "robbed" by me depression and PTSD about this.  However, I really want to return to church this year.

Sleep in the same bed as my husband. I'll explain more of this in another post.

Socialize and get out of the house more.  Continue to try to go out of the house more and do some of the things that I used to do such as eating in actual restaurants with my husband.  During the past few months, I've actually met some friends that I used to work with for lunch at a real life restaurant.

DBT.  Learn about and how to utilize DBT skills to assist in coping.

Mindfulness & Meditation. Same as above and this is really apart of the above, but it is important enough for me to separate it out.

I am getting stressed out with all of this, but I need to keep remembering that these are just things to work on which doesn't mean that we will get to them all and things will be taken in steps that are realistic.  So, here is to a new year of therapy...YIKES!!