Lessons and Perspective From a Patient

After spending about 76 days in the hospital with 64 of them in a psychiatric hospital, one gets a very skewed sense of life. I’ve become a little institutionalized. These are some of my thoughts:

1) Staff says that I need to take a shower and change my clothes. I think, it takes too much energy and no one is going to care anyway. (just because it was four days) :)

2) Staff says that I need to eat more. I think, I’ve gained 50 pounds over the past year.

3) Staff says that I’m compulsive, I say that I am just neat and tidy.

4) Staff says that they are going to give me a staff badge. I think, is it because I know most of their job duties, help them remember things, and know their work schedules.

5) Staff says that I have insomnia. I say, I like looking at the bright moon and waiting for dawn to break.

6) I say that I really need to be in the hospital, my therapist vigorously shakes his head “yes.”

7) My psychologist says that I go days without smiling. I learned that it was true as my therapist said, “days, weeks, months.”

8) It is good to know the rules and regulations because you can make staff angry and like it. :)

9) Some staff know how to do considerate 30 minute bed check and others haven’t a clue!!

10) I learned that I can yell at staff and kick a door open and not get sent to the locked unit. In fact, they were happy that I found my anger.

11) I know that meals are at 8am, noon, and 5pm.

12) I know that juice only comes in little square-rounded plastic containers.

13) I learned that a 5:30 am fire alarm going off make for very grumpy people.

14) I know that there are helpful staff and those you just want to hit upside their head.

15) I learned that writing a complaint sometimes ends up with none to immediate action.

16) I feel good that housekeeping and the cafeteria staff remember my name and preferences. I think, I’ve been here too many days.

17) I still wonder why housekeeping sometimes leaves only leaves one bathmat and five wash cloths.

18) I learned that you can sprain you ankle on a cherry tomato.

19) I learned that you can choke on dry salmon and look up to find six charge nurses staring at you.

20) I learned that it is okay not to like everyone.

21) I learned that I can really cuss someone out!

22) I found that screaming even if it is into a pillow a great way to release anger.

23) I discovered my anger…rage.

24) I yelled at my therapist and he raised his voice in a heated discussion for the first time. To my surprise, he was happy as I found my anger and nothing bad happened and he still wanted to work with me.

25) When my psychiatrist, psychologist and therapist all say that I will know when it is time to leave. I say, “I don’t want that responsibility. I want to blame you for whatever decision you make.” Deep down I know they are right.

26) I thought that a man coming off of heroin after 8 years needs more supervision, three days later staff put him in the locked unit.

27) I learned that there is a hierarchy of stigma within patients with mental health issues. I try to educate and why people with schizophrenia and DID act the way they do. I have some success in some changing their perspective.

28) I learned that safety doesn’t always come from the outside, but from the inside knowing that you can take care of yourself.

29) I learned that if you try to look at the breaks on the bed to make sure that help is around just in case you get stuck between the wall and the bed. Staff will also laugh at you before helping you! :)

30) I learned that there are some smokers that are accommodating for non-smokers. We played which way is the wind blowing and musical chairs just for me.

31) I embraced my new identies of “fag hag” and that I’m a “gay man.” I now support gay rights.

32) I learned that it is fun to sing Broadway show tunes with a bunch of men who are gay. And, that it is “so gay” to be doing that and that others could hear everything that we sang.

33) I learned that I like to reach out to those who are “outcasts.” Such as an over six feet tall man with a blonde ponytail and had been in state prison for 17 years and just his presence intimidated others. We became very good friends.

34) I learned that coffee can be so bad that I begin to use half and half. Once home while look for the half and half, my husband reminds me that I drink my coffee black!!

35) I learned that having a coffee addict for a therapist has its advantages, good coffee three times a week for sessions.

36) I am beginning to like myself.

37) I know that I have some hard work ahead of me and the hospitalization was well worth it as I feel the best that I have in a long time.

38) I learned that I can miss an entire Nordstrom sale and survive.

39) I learned that having an anniversary, doesn’t matter where you are just that you are together.

40) I learned that absence does make the heart grow fonder.

My 42 Day Adventure!!!

In a span of 42 days the following took place: Iran has an election that causes civil war; Ed McMahon and David Carradine both die; Gay Pride Weekend included 400,000 people in Los Angeles joining in on a “Moment of Silence;” Los Angeles Lakers become World Champions; US stamp prices increase, 4.7 earthquake in Los Angeles, Susan Boyle advance to the next round in “Britain’s Got Talent;” US Memorial day, my 12th anniversary; I sprained my ankle, choked on salmon and managed to get myself stuck in an awkward position behind by bed. (don’t ask)

This is what happened and what I managed to figure out on a large screen television with cable and from others in the hospital. Sounds great except for the 25 other people trying to watch the screen from two couches in which I had difficulty extracting myself from, as they were well worn with the ability to swallow people whole.

That was how long I was in the hospital. The food and the coffee were terrible and unhealthy. Luckily, I had an outside order for food including coffee which my hubby and therapist provided. I wrote three complaints that I actually saw immediate action upon and resulted in one person eventually being fired. I also saw a staff member, who I actually hated, be escorted off the premises three years after complaining about this person. I didn’t like a few staff people, but it was partly a personality conflict. Overall, the staff were great.

I was bestowed new names, “Fag Hag,” “A Gay Man,” and “Staff.” One person called me “Colace” because she “couldn’t” pronounce my name properly. I still wear them proudly. I met a lot of great people and hope to keep in touch with them.

My therapist gave me an assignment, “Bitch Day.” I was to be a bitch during one full day. I had lots of support and plenty of advice. I was actually a good assignment as I became more aware of my thought and feelings and actually said them For the most part, I was just more assertive with a few exceptions. One person with whom, I had problem with we walked down the hall exchanging choice word…ahh, I can use curse words. I stood up for myself with one therapist. I yelled at a staff person and kicked my door open. I also was in a heated “discussion” with my therapist …I actually yelled at him.

But, mostly it was hard work and, at times, extremely emotionally exhausting. I discovered how really bad off I was before hospitalization. I found a part of my anger and owed…nothing bad happened either. I feel better than I have had in several years. I feel more grounded. Am beginning to enjoy things that I once loved. I am glad that I decided to hospitalize myself and stayed as long as I did. I discovered that I can go 42 consecutive days without a computer. If anyone is counting, I have spent 76 days in the hospital since January and now have bronchitis…I just have to laugh and pray for a boring rest of the year.

I'm Going to the Hospital, Again!!!

There has been a lot of events in my life since the end of last year and I know many of you know it, but for those who don't quick summary :

October 2008 ~ mass removed, possible cancer, benign.

Thanksgiving/Christmas ~ family stress/with just the holidays as usual, but with triggers this time and begin to decompensate.

Jan/Feb 2008 ~ 24 day psychiatric hospitalization

March 2008 ~ not unpacked from hospitalization yet and am hospitalized 7 days for very serious pneumonia

March 2008 ~ day after I'm discharged from the hospital my father-in-law is diagnosed with terminal lung cancer, hospice in place, given one week to six months.

April 2008 ~ father-in-law not doing well has hospice nurse in home. He passes away on 4/26/09
Funeral Service ~ May 1st
Burial Service ~ May 9th

I am still recovering from pneumonia. This means I take medication that has caused me to gain 30 pounds as it increases your appetite, and retains water and salt. I am unable to fit in most of my clothing. Embarrassing moments ~ need to wear husband’s underwear as none of mine fit!!! Have tremors, mood swings, and skin growths just to name a few. But, it was either that or die.

I feel like I’ve been just barely holding it together and just need a safe place to “fall apart” and process some of what has happened. Due to the rapid nature of the events, I feel like too much happened for me to be able to recover from one event to the next. I’m feeling really overwhelmed.

I feel like I've been rapidly having more difficulties with depression, focusing, making decisions, fragmenting, ridged thinking to no thinking, staying present, feeling disconnected and on the verge of disorganizing. So, my therapist brought up hospitalization as an option.

Think, think, think….I obtained advise from my psychiatrist and the psychologist that I had during my last hospitalization. They were of no help!!! My therapist laughed because everyone was saying that it is up to me that I know myself the best and can make this decision. Sigh!!!

This week, I decided that I needed hospitalization. It was a tough decision because of my concern for my husband, who is very supportive. Also, I don’t really want another hospitalization. However, suicidal thoughts and self-harm urges are getting stronger and more consistent, so I know I’m headed for trouble. But, I am not there yet.

So, on Monday, I will have an intake/assessment for admission if I meet the criteria which I am sure that I will. Bottom line is that if you hear from me, I wasn’t hospitalized. If you don’t hear from me assume that I was admitted.

Pneumonia ~ Perspective Change!!

I know that some of you know and some do not, but I just spent about a week in the hospital for bilateral interstitial pneumonia. Translation: both lungs lining were inflamed. Bottom line: I was seriously ill and am still recovering. I had somewhat of a paradigm shift with this. I discovered that I really want to live. Not live life to the ultimate fullest, but to live life and really GO! Smell the Flowers!!

What became important wasn’t the piles in the house, cleaning, shopping (shhh), bills, etc… Those things are important. However, when it came down to it the important things they were God, my husband, my family, my friends, my church and my blogging friends. I was faced with thinking about my own mortality and I didn’t want to die. However, it wasn’t about being afraid of death as much as it was the people in my life. I am finding more and more that those connections are the important things in life. However, I do get caught up in the materialism and business of day to day life.......

It was both encouraging and heart-breaking to see who responded to my crisis and who did not. Who was supportive and who was no where to be found. Who focused on themselves and who focused on my well-being. Just another time to really see who your friends are...I've had lots of opportunity recently. My heart is saddened and disappointed and excited and surprised.

The "little things" are important too. I missed cuddling with my husband, just his presence, my Bible, my ability to connect to others via Internet, the feel of my husband's face, the voices of my friends, the stupid barking dog next door, the smell of chocolate and coffee, my tastebuds, good food, my bed, simply being able to breathe and not being in pain.

Also, as I lay in the hospital bed, I felt blessed to have a window so that I could see the sunrise, sunset and the flowers, to see my husband’s face everyday, to have good (not perfect) care, the nurses who talked to me with dignity and respect, those who genuinely cared and demonstrated compassion, those that supported my husband, and those that supported us with prayers and warm thoughts.

Thank you so much for your support. Just a warning that I may be sporadic as this has tired me out and I still do have pneumonia just not enough to be in the hospital. I’ve been told that it is going to be about a month to six weeks to fully recover…still on medications. I know there are different opinions out there, but I am grateful for modern medicine and glad to be home recovering. Nap time!!

For me when, it really comes down to it, the most important things are RELATIONSHIPS of all types.

More than side effects ~ Bilateral Pneumonia

Thank you for all your prayers and I thoughts. Things ended up being more serious than side effects although that complicated matters.

Last Wednesday/Thursday, i was admitted for bilateral pneumonia. I was really sick and just discharged Wednesday. I continue on oral steroids and antibiotics.

I am extremely tired and quite weak which is to be expected, but I'm good enough to be home. This whole experience has been quite terrifying for me.

I'm doing what I did in the hospital only in the comfort of my own home without the wake up calls for meals, breathing treatments, vitals, blood draws, xrays, CT scans, cleaning the room, etc... Oh, and not hooked up to O2 or IV's...mobility!!!

My husband is staying home this week to help me...I hate to admit it, but I do need his assistance.

I miss real life. :-) Thank you again for so much for all your support. I'll update you more when I have the energy. Right now, it is nap time...again!! My stamina is really low and I need lots of rest, but I wanted to update you.

Hospitalization ~ Positive outcomes & summary

After 24 days in a psychiatric hospital, there have better been some tangible outcomes. One with the changes in my medications specifically, the addition of Lamictal and the increase of Risperdal, I am now sleeping 7-8 hours of solid, good quality sleep without feeling drugged or having nightmares.

I was able to eat in the cafeteria with all the noise and people without much problem. However, the every day noise got to me one evening and at the top of my lungs I screamed, “Shut up.” Then, I burst into tears. The charge nurse calmed me down and was okay with what I did. So was my psychiatrist who basically told me that I was being assertive, but maybe I could try to direct it in a different way. My therapist clapped.

I socialized more and have some real viable people in which to remain in contact. I began to exercise and am continuing walking on the treadmill at home. I really enjoyed are and am, for now, interested in beading. I actually had the attention span to watch and enjoy television.

All in all, a very good experience although painful and hard work. Hence, my sleeping a great deal. But, it got me to the place that I needed to be in therapy. Well, worth the time and expense.

Hospitalization ~ "A-ha" moments

This hospitalization was a bit different from the others as I was not really sure what was the underlying purpose. I know that I needed hospitalization due to my suicidality and self-harm. Beyond that I thought that it was trying to get through my anger about my mother. But, that didn’t seem to fit.

I did talk about some of that and my abuse. I actually made friends with the ping-pong table, which was a place that most of the sadistic sexual abuse took place. The first time, I went through some major unexpected flashback and panic. I spoke with the Social Service person who accompanied us on the outing. I played ping-pong on two more occasions with less intense flashbacks and a bit of compassion and reality of how young and horrendous things were.

I was able to tell my psychiatrist and psychologist about some of the abuse and received unexpected validation that my abuse was outside of what most people experience. My psychologist, who also teaches, kept encouraging me to go back to school. Which is something that I plan to do when I’m feeling better and able to manage the stress. Both of them basically told me that the academic part would be easy. Without prompting, my psychologist, offered to write me a letter of recommendation. Wow! I really am motivated to return to school maybe in a year and a half or two. The validation from not only them, but from other staff and patients was encouraging.

I know that I’ve written about having an eating disorder for 30 years with varying degrees of recovery. I am diagnosed with Eating Disorder, Not Otherwise Specified, which means I don’t meet the criteria for one of the categories, but my internal life with food and eating and my weight effects impacts my physical and mental health significantly.

However, during my hospitalization my diagnosis became, once again, a point of contention with Geoffrey. Although I tend toward anorexia, I am not diagnosable as such, but my therapist really pushed the point. He basically said that he didn't care what the DSM said, but that I have anorexia. I made a feeble attempt at saying that my weight was normal and maybe a little overweight. Then, I just had to laugh because I know that has nothing to do with it because my thought patterns and behavior are the same. Also, if it weren't for the medications, I would be underweight. He really pushed the issue.

In the end, what I discovered and it doesn’t follow what I’ve written, is that this hospitalization was about my depression, suicidality and self-harm. However, the underlying reason for all of this is really the issue that I don’t want to talk about and that is my self-hatred. The “all roads lead to bad” is really, “all road are rooted in self-hatred.” Since I’ve returned, I haven’t fragmented in session. Hooray for me.

Hospitalization ~ A Typical Day!!

I am going to share about my hospital experience a little at a time. After today, they will be more about what I did, learned and those “A-ha” moments. The following is a typical day Monday through Friday:

7:30-8:30 Breakfast
8:00-9:00 Exercise/GYM
Medications
9:15-9:30 Goals Group
10:00-11:15 Process Group
11:30-12:30 Exercise/Gym or Pool
12:00-12:45 Lunch
Medications
2:00-2:45 Cognitive Behavioral Therapy
3:00-3:45 Art
4:00-4:45 Social Recreation
5:00-6:00 Dinner
6:00-7:00 Organized social recreation/Art
6:00-8:00 Visiting Hours
Medications
9:00-9:45 Goals Group Wrap Up

Busy day, but you don’t have to participate in everything; however the process and CBT groups are important. I also began to workout again on the treadmill and weights. I plan to keep the momentum going.

I enjoyed art and made a beaded anklet, finger painted, and painted a frame then glued an assortment of tiles on it. I also participated in the walks and goals groups. Hmmm…I basically did everything, but not everyday.

There were interruptions during the routine. My therapist, Geoffrey came Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. I saw my psychiatrist every day and three times a week I saw a staff psychologist. I had lots of support and it felt good to have opportunities to talk privately.

There was some tweaking of my medications which seemed to have helped. I also saw a neurologist for my migraines and a physician for a routine physical and labs.

Saturday was mostly the same except for there was not CBT group, so everything was moved up. My husband visit with me on Saturday from 1:00 pm – 8:00 pm during which time I mostly slept in his lap. He said that he didn’t mind that he just felt good to be with me and liked that I was comfortable enough to sleep. I spoke with him I the morning and every evening before we went to bed. That helped tremendously.

Sunday was mostly the same, but everything was a bit earlier. That was the most difficult day as I didn’t have any visitors. I socialized more on Sunday. And, hooray, the women had control of the television sometimes!!! The schedule was a bit different on the day of Inauguration as we watched history take place. I was planning to watch it by myself at home, but it felt really good to share it the experience with other people.

I also watched part of the Grammy Awards. So, it was a good sign that I began to watch and enjoy television a bit. Lots of other good news to come tomorrow.

Hospitalization ~ The Good, the Bad, & the Ugly!!

I was released from a psychiatric hospital today, on Wednesday (2/11/09), just in time for a Valentine's Day with my husband. I was treated for Severe Major Depression, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and Anxiety Disorder. Wow, I was there for 24 days! It was worth it! I am worth it.

What do a perfectionist, care-taker, an attorney, an attorney turned Chaplin, a woman who lost her husband recently, a writer, an artist/singer/actor, an actor, a college student, a single mother, the woman who recently almost succeeded an attempted suicide, a man who self-injured and thought of suicide all the time, a construction worker, a man who by no fault of his own is homeless, a nurse, an elementary school teacher, a Desert Storm Veteran and 86 year old man, a man with constant pain due to his back have in common?

All were fellow patients. All with some type of mental illness such as depression, bipolar, schizophrenia, dissociative identity disorder, panic disorder, post-traumatic stress and more. Some with a dual diagnosis meaning alcohol or substance abuse with a mental illness diagnosis.

I am doing better and am trying to get my bearings back regarding being at home. The accomodations were a cross of dorm life and motel living. I am enjoying using my own shower, eating my own food, sleeping in my own bed and just being with my husband. I love having coffee. The coffee was horrendous and this Peet’s woman was used to having it available by 5 am and not 7:30 am. Major withdrawals!!!!

I will not miss the food, the 1/2 check around the clock, the shower, the food, the sleazy guy, the guy with no sense of boundaries, the guy who thought he was the center of the universe, the loud woman, the strange woman, the angry woman, the overhead announcements, the constant noise, constant talking or the constant cigarette smoke.

However, I do miss the staff and some of the people in which I connected. Some I will try and stay in contact. I miss being able to talk at any hour of the day or night. I also miss the "safety" of being in the hospital. I am very glad that I decided to go into the hospital as I feel better and I am ready to tackle the next level of my journey in healing...I am beginning to see the light, ever so faintly. At least that is what I hope it is and not an on coming train!!!

Everyone, thank you for your overwhelming support. I'm still adjusting and sleeping most of the day, so it is taking some time to reacclimate to the real world. Tomorrow I should have a post about some of my hospitalization experience.

Hospitalization - by ClinicallyClueless on Polyvore.com

Hospitalization Necessary ~ My Fine Line!

Thank you Chato for the appropriate cartoon last week although I know that I still would be sane if I went into the hospital...as much as anyone else. LOL!!! If you want to see more great cartoons please go to his website, Mental Health Humor. It will be well worth the trip.

Friday (1.16.09) Therapy ~ Freely discussed my increased depression, suicidal thoughts and self-injury. I self-injured everyday last week, Monday through Friday. But, I have stopped for now. It started when we talked about my self-hatred.

Depression wise I'm labile, tearful (which I've never been before), fatigued, sleeping too much and too little, anhedonia, everything takes so much effort, decreased appetite without weight loss, and decreased hygiene (I haven't shampooed my hair in two or three days and on days I don't need to be anywhere I don't shower, change out of my pajamas, brush my teeth).

Geoffrey asked if it was bad enough to require hospitalization. I said that I am walking a thin line, but I think that I am okay for now. When it comes to hospitalization now, he lets me decide after we talk about it based on that I've told him when I have needed it in the past. I really am on that edge. Objectively, if I heard what I said, I would have hospitalized myself, but I really don't think it is necessary now.

Geoffrey, gave me a plan and three things that I needed to do this weekend which I am not going to share. I'm scared and know that it is a tight rope.

Saturday (1.17.09) ~ 4pm sitting in my pajamas, not having washed my hair yet, not brushed my teeth and have no intention of changing any of that. Strange my hair isn't bothering me.

Feeling really, really depressed. I'm tearful. I also keep going back and forth in my head regarding hospitalization. Called the hospital for information. Confirmed private room available (can't sleep with someone in the room...heck, just can't sleep), Geoffrey can see me, can have the same psychiatrist as last time I was there in 2006. Rambled and realized that hospitalization probably is necessary.

Left second message for Geoffrey. First, was an update. This one was to ask him to call me as I want to be admitted on Monday. Spoke with my husband who wasn't surprised and extremely supportive and told me not to worry about the money...but, I am as there is going to be considerable out of pocket expenses. He told me that my getting better is the most important thing.

Going back and forth whether it is necessary or not. Began preparing clothing. I already have my 2006 extremely detailed itemized list to use as a guide. Too late in the evening 10:30 pm. Geoffrey will call tomorrow. But, do I need to talk to him?

Sunday (1.18.09) ~ 2:00 am and I'm wide awake. Anxious about talking with Geoffrey and about maybe going to the hospital. Start doing laundry and stuff on the computer. Take PRN...doesn't make me sleepy, but not as anxious.

Spoke with my therapist and I am going to the hospital tomorrow (Monday) after my 9 am appointment with my therapist and should be admitted. I'll let you know when I am discharged.

Monday Morning (1.19.09) ~ Again, I feel God's guiding hand and comfort in my heart. This doesn't mean that I'm not anxious...just that both feelings coexist. Please pray or send good thoughts as this will be a burden financially and my husband is having a tough time with it. Umm...so will I. He was sobbing in my arms last night regarding the stress and missing me. Oh, I was crying too.

In God's healing hands,

CC

P.S. ~ thank you so much for the outpouring of support. If you leave a comment and don't see it, I have moderation left on. Unfortunately, it is necessary for the trolls. (thanks, Svasti)