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Disclaimer: Although I have worked with persons with mental illness for twenty years, I do not have a Master's Degree or a license. This is not meant to be a substitute for mental health care or treatment. Please obtain professional assistance from the resources listed on the right of the page, if needed. And call 911 if you or someone is in immediate danger.

A key word that you will see:

Fragmentation: a mental process where a person becomes intensely emotionally focused on one aspect of themselves, such as “I am angry” or “no one loves me,” to the point where all thoughts, feelings and behavior demonstrate this emotional state, in which, the person does not or is unable to take into account the reality of their environment, others or themselves and their resources. This is a term that my therapist and I use and is on the continuum of dissociation.

Monday, July 6, 2009

My 42 Day Adventure!!!

In a span of 42 days the following took place: Iran has an election that causes civil war; Ed McMahon and David Carradine both die; Gay Pride Weekend included 400,000 people in Los Angeles joining in on a “Moment of Silence;” Los Angeles Lakers become World Champions; US stamp prices increase, 4.7 earthquake in Los Angeles, Susan Boyle advance to the next round in “Britain’s Got Talent;” US Memorial day, my 12th anniversary; I sprained my ankle, choked on salmon and managed to get myself stuck in an awkward position behind by bed. (don’t ask)

This is what happened and what I managed to figure out on a large screen television with cable and from others in the hospital. Sounds great except for the 25 other people trying to watch the screen from two couches in which I had difficulty extracting myself from, as they were well worn with the ability to swallow people whole.

That was how long I was in the hospital. The food and the coffee were terrible and unhealthy. Luckily, I had an outside order for food including coffee which my hubby and therapist provided. I wrote three complaints that I actually saw immediate action upon and resulted in one person eventually being fired. I also saw a staff member, who I actually hated, be escorted off the premises three years after complaining about this person. I didn’t like a few staff people, but it was partly a personality conflict. Overall, the staff were great.

I was bestowed new names, “Fag Hag,” “A Gay Man,” and “Staff.” One person called me “Colace” because she “couldn’t” pronounce my name properly. I still wear them proudly. I met a lot of great people and hope to keep in touch with them.

My therapist gave me an assignment, “Bitch Day.” I was to be a bitch during one full day. I had lots of support and plenty of advice. I was actually a good assignment as I became more aware of my thought and feelings and actually said them For the most part, I was just more assertive with a few exceptions. One person with whom, I had problem with we walked down the hall exchanging choice word…ahh, I can use curse words. I stood up for myself with one therapist. I yelled at a staff person and kicked my door open. I also was in a heated “discussion” with my therapist …I actually yelled at him.

But, mostly it was hard work and, at times, extremely emotionally exhausting. I discovered how really bad off I was before hospitalization. I found a part of my anger and owed…nothing bad happened either. I feel better than I have had in several years. I feel more grounded. Am beginning to enjoy things that I once loved. I am glad that I decided to hospitalize myself and stayed as long as I did. I discovered that I can go 42 consecutive days without a computer. If anyone is counting, I have spent 76 days in the hospital since January and now have bronchitis…I just have to laugh and pray for a boring rest of the year.


Immi said...

Laugh and pray for the boring for the rest of the year... I'm with ya on that. :)
I'm glad the hospital stay was good for you!

Taylor Blue said...

I'm glad to see you are back. I'm sorry for what you've had to go through. :( I'm here for you, if you ever want to write me.

Melinda said...

CC, you are BACK! Svasti just told me you were. I hope you received the cared I sent to you in the hospital--I never heard back from you.

I'd been stopping by but it's been awhile--things got pretty crazy with our work and travel schedule.

I am just so happy to see you up and around--and I never stopped thinking about you and hoping that you were doing very well.

Take care, my friend--let me know if I can do anything to help you.


eeabee said...

Welcome back, and I hope you recover from the bronchitis quickly. That bitch day assignment is a good idea!


Anonymous said...

Great to hear your voice, CC :) I'm with those prayers for a boring rest of the year! Really glad to hear the help helped.

Marj aka Thriver said...

I wish for you a peaceful rest of the year.

Scraps said...

I had wondered what had happened to you; your disappearance was noted. I'm glad your hospitalization was good for you. Welcome back!

Clueless said...

Hi Immi,

Thanks for leaving a comment. After being gone for so long, I thought that people would forget me...quite the contrary to my surprise.

It sounds like you had the same experiences...I'm sorry that this year has been so tough for you.


Clueless said...


It was scary at first, but I had fun and found my anger...yikes. Thank you for stopping by.


Clueless said...

Glad to hear from you CK

Clueless said...


Thank you...it feels good to be back home.


Clueless said...

Thanks for missing me Scraps...one always wonders who will notice. Thank you...I'm trying to get back to looking at other blogs, sort through email without overdoing it with my bronchitis.


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