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A key word that you will see:

Fragmentation: a mental process where a person becomes intensely emotionally focused on one aspect of themselves, such as “I am angry” or “no one loves me,” to the point where all thoughts, feelings and behavior demonstrate this emotional state, in which, the person does not or is unable to take into account the reality of their environment, others or themselves and their resources. This is a term that my therapist and I use and is on the continuum of dissociation.

Monday, January 19, 2009

Hospitalization Necessary ~ My Fine Line!

Thank you Chato for the appropriate cartoon last week although I know that I still would be sane if I went into the hospital...as much as anyone else. LOL!!! If you want to see more great cartoons please go to his website, Mental Health Humor. It will be well worth the trip.
Friday (1.16.09) Therapy ~ Freely discussed my increased depression, suicidal thoughts and self-injury. I self-injured everyday last week, Monday through Friday. But, I have stopped for now. It started when we talked about my self-hatred.

Depression wise I'm labile, tearful (which I've never been before), fatigued, sleeping too much and too little, anhedonia, everything takes so much effort, decreased appetite without weight loss, and decreased hygiene (I haven't shampooed my hair in two or three days and on days I don't need to be anywhere I don't shower, change out of my pajamas, brush my teeth).

Geoffrey asked if it was bad enough to require hospitalization. I said that I am walking a thin line, but I think that I am okay for now. When it comes to hospitalization now, he lets me decide after we talk about it based on that I've told him when I have needed it in the past. I really am on that edge. Objectively, if I heard what I said, I would have hospitalized myself, but I really don't think it is necessary now.

Geoffrey, gave me a plan and three things that I needed to do this weekend which I am not going to share. I'm scared and know that it is a tight rope.



Saturday (1.17.09) ~ 4pm sitting in my pajamas, not having washed my hair yet, not brushed my teeth and have no intention of changing any of that. Strange my hair isn't bothering me.


Feeling really, really depressed. I'm tearful. I also keep going back and forth in my head regarding hospitalization. Called the hospital for information. Confirmed private room available (can't sleep with someone in the room...heck, just can't sleep), Geoffrey can see me, can have the same psychiatrist as last time I was there in 2006. Rambled and realized that hospitalization probably is necessary.


Left second message for Geoffrey. First, was an update. This one was to ask him to call me as I want to be admitted on Monday. Spoke with my husband who wasn't surprised and extremely supportive and told me not to worry about the money...but, I am as there is going to be considerable out of pocket expenses. He told me that my getting better is the most important thing.


Going back and forth whether it is necessary or not. Began preparing clothing. I already have my 2006 extremely detailed itemized list to use as a guide. Too late in the evening 10:30 pm. Geoffrey will call tomorrow. But, do I need to talk to him?



Sunday (1.18.09) ~ 2:00 am and I'm wide awake. Anxious about talking with Geoffrey and about maybe going to the hospital. Start doing laundry and stuff on the computer. Take PRN...doesn't make me sleepy, but not as anxious.


Spoke with my therapist and I am going to the hospital tomorrow (Monday) after my 9 am appointment with my therapist and should be admitted. I'll let you know when I am discharged.


Monday Morning (1.19.09) ~ Again, I feel God's guiding hand and comfort in my heart. This doesn't mean that I'm not anxious...just that both feelings coexist. Please pray or send good thoughts as this will be a burden financially and my husband is having a tough time with it. Umm...so will I. He was sobbing in my arms last night regarding the stress and missing me. Oh, I was crying too.

In God's healing hands,

CC

P.S. ~ thank you so much for the outpouring of support. If you leave a comment and don't see it, I have moderation left on. Unfortunately, it is necessary for the trolls. (thanks, Svasti)

41 comments:

svasti said...

Oh CC, I'm sorry you're feeling so very badly.

I hope hospital gives you the rest and recuperation you need to move away from that thin line onto more solid ground.

We'll be here waiting for you when you return. *hugs*

Wandering Coyote said...

I think you're making a good move. I know when I really, really struggle with whether or not to go to the hospital, I probably should go. Take care.

Ana said...

(((((((Clueless)))))))))
Take good care.
We are all waiting for you!
I'll pray for you.

Tamara (TC) said...

Clueless,

I am so sorry to hear that things have become so bad for you. It sounds like the hospital is the right decision. I know it takes a lot of courage to make that decision. I will send prayers and energy that you get all the help you need to calm things down enough for you to continue your healing at home.

Please take care of yourself and be gentle and kind to yourself.

You are in my thoughts.

Hugs,
Tamara

Kahless said...

Take care CC.

Anonymous Drifter said...

((((((( CC ))))))))

Mike Golch said...

{{{{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}}} You are in my prayers.get well see you soon..

J said...

Hi CC. I hope your time in the hospital helps you with anything that is bothering you right now. I will be praying for you.

jeff said...

will gather some people together to pray for you CC. You will be in my thoughts each day for however long you need to be there. Remember there are many of us out here that have come to care a lot about you and your journey. God is with you.

Immi said...

*hugs* CC. I'm glad you're doing what you need to do for you. I'll be thinking of you. See you when you get back!

Scraps said...

((((HUGS))))

I'm sorry you're feeling so bad, but I'm glad you're able to admit you need to be in the hospital right now and, with G-d's help, will get the help you need to get you back on your feet.

Good luck with everything!

Wanda's Wings said...

CC I'm sorry you are feeling so badly. Sometimes it does help to go to the hospital. I will pray for you tonight. Be safe.

eeabee said...

I'm glad (and impressed!) to hear you're taking care of yourself. I hope the pain you're in eases.

Love,
eeabee

Miss Ash said...

*hugs*

We will be here for you when you return.

Much love, my dear.

Bradley said...

Have pride in yourself for having made an important decision. You'll be missed while your gone, but it's better knowing you are taking care of you.

BIG BEAR HUGS

mini uk said...

Take care of you, gentle hugs to help you with your courageous steps

writingangel said...

Get better soon CC..
love and (((hugs)))

Chunks of Reality said...

CC, I am thinking of you and sending warm rays of energy your way.

I think you are making a positive step for yourself and I'm so proud of you.

Please let me know if there is anything I can do.

Dano MacNamarrah said...

CC,

I am walking that thin line with you. I think you are so wise to take care of yourself. Know that we all send our best wishes to you and your husband.

Melinda said...

CC,

I just wanted to stop by and tell you that you are in my thoughts and prayers. I felt when we talked this weekend that this was probably a good mov efor you--and I am hoping that you can find some inner peace and serenity soon.

Know there are many people here who care very much for you! Please let us know how you are doing.

Melinda

Jane Doe said...

Hello, I found your site through Svasti, but I think I may have been here before.

Anyway, I just wanted to leave you a comment wishing you all the best. I've been hospitalized many times due to depression/attempted suicide/self-injury and I know how difficult it is. I hope that you are getting the help you need. It is a hard path to tread. Just know that you are not alone and there are many of us who are keeping you in our thoughts and prayers.

Blessings,

Jane

Marj aka Thriver said...

I've been in a similar place so many times. I'm sorry. I know it's very painful. I am thinking of you and I hope safe hugs are okay. ((((((((((((CC))))))))))))

jeff said...

I keep returning to see if you are home yet. To hear from you. And I continue to pray for you.

Jennifer said...

Thinking of you, CC.

Melinda said...

CC--I wrote a comment last week but don't see it here. My thoughts and prayers are with you. Please let us know how you are doing as soon as you are able to.

Hugs,

Melinda

Dano MacNamarrah said...

CC,

I just stopped by to see how you are doing. You've been in my thoughts and spirit. I am so proud of for taking care of yourself.

Blessings and hugs, D

jumpinginpuddles said...

oh cc,
we know how this feels we ahve also ahd to go to hospital and it sucks but it saved our life, deep healing thoughts being sent to you

Catatonic Kid said...

I was just thinking of you. So sorry you're having such a rough time of it lately. Take good care IP. Hope it helps! *Hugs*

svasti said...

Dear CC, I hope things are improving for you. Know that I continue to think of you and send prayers of healing to you. xx

miquiecrew said...

hang in there. you have been in my thoughts...

Dr. Deb said...

Thinking of you and wanted to say hi. Hope you are healing better everyday.

jeff said...

Does the posting of these comments reflect you being home? My prayer group has been lifting you up in prayer. Take care CC

Clueless said...

Jeff,

Yes, posting of these comments indicates that I am home. I was released yesterday afternoon. I really appreciate your group supporting me in prayer. I really felt God surrounding me as during the first part of my hospitalization, there were many Christians. Thank you so much. By the way, I love the new painting for your header. It felt like the tender touch of God's healing hand on my heart.

Clueless said...

Hi Everybody!!! I am back, but not quite up to posting. I was discharged yesterday afternoon. I did write a small snippet of the post that I will write for this blog on www.GoSmellTheFlower.com site.

Thank you for the overwhelming support. I am absolutely stunned and appreciate the kind words from everyone.

Melinda said...

CC, welcome back! I just sent you an email but wanted to say it here too. We have all missed you so much!

:-)

Melinda

Wandering Coyote said...

Hey CC, been thinking about you and wondering how things are going. Glad to see you discharged and hope that the transition home is going OK. I know that can be really hard sometimes. Take care.

Jennifer said...

Welcome back, CC!

mile191 said...

thank you for writing this. i am sorry for how you are feeling. my depression has been awful as well, and i found out today that my sister is falling apart. i am sorry for you, knowing how awful it feels to be so depressed. you are in my prayers, and hopes. ♥

renee altson said...

welcome back. i just got ouf ip myself on monday.

peace

Annie World said...

wow, I hope you feeling better.

Marj aka Thriver said...

I couldn't find go smell the flower dot com. Am I just daft or is it this old limpy computer I'm forced to work on righ tnow?

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