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A key word that you will see:

Fragmentation: a mental process where a person becomes intensely emotionally focused on one aspect of themselves, such as “I am angry” or “no one loves me,” to the point where all thoughts, feelings and behavior demonstrate this emotional state, in which, the person does not or is unable to take into account the reality of their environment, others or themselves and their resources. This is a term that my therapist and I use and is on the continuum of dissociation.

Thursday, January 15, 2009

I Hate Myself and Everything Day!!!

Geoffrey,

Today, I really hate being mentally ill. I’m fragmenting all over the place. I am extremely sensitive. My emotions feel like they are all over the place. I don’t feel grounded. I feel really disorganized. I had a meltdown last night over not being able to find shorts to wear to bed. Ones that fit or ones that I could find. The house is a mess and I hate my body and weight.

I feel like my mental illness has taken away my ability to work, have friends, finances, a clean house, an organized house, my energy, my body, my ability to sleep, intimacy with my husband, some of my independence, desire to cook and bake, concentration, ability to focus, some of my memory.

I hate being anxious all the time. I’m tired of feeling depressed. I’m tired of the suicidal thoughts and thoughts of self-injury. I feel like I’m tired of just being me! I can’t stand being hypervigilant. I hate being so sensitive to every word, intonation, action or everyone. Everything gets interpreted as I am bad. I feel so sensitive to everything right now.

I hate that I need therapy. I hate that I need medications. I just want a normal life again, as if I ever had one. I just feel so angry at me that I can’t change more quickly and I see the things that I do and feel and can’t seem to change some of it. I feel like I am really losing it because everything is bothering me.

I think, I just really need lots of hugs and comfort and reassurance that I am okay and that I am going to be okay. And, I’m supposed to be able to do that for myself. I can’t yet. I feel like and infant just screaming at the top of my lungs…I don’t like this. Someone make it better. But, I am not an infant and I have to make it better. Feeling really depressed and hopeless. And, ultimately, I am alone. Speaking existentially.

I’m having a I hate myself and everything tantrum. Sorry.

9 comments:

Ana said...

(((((CLUELESS)))))
Don't hate yourself, please.
Love,
Ana

Anonymous Drifter said...

I think I could have written this post.

Miss Ash said...

We'll all still be here with you when you're done feeling badly!

And we'll like you just the same!

*hugs*

svasti said...

No need to say sorry for how you're feeling.

And I can so relate - even though I haven't been dealing with my 'stuff' for anywhere near as long as you!

I think its good to get sick of being unwell. Not that it helps you get better any faster, but perhaps it helps you keep doing everything you need to do to get better? It can be used as a positive...

If I was around I'd give ya lots of hugs - I know what that feels like to need them so badly.

If you can't comfort yourself yet, then you can't - so don't worry about what you're 'supposed' to be able to do!

Hope you start feeling a little better soon. *hugs*

Bradley said...

While my feelings may not be the same, I do understand being sick and tired of being sick and tired. I hope this passes soon. BIG HUGS

Mike Golch said...

Find a way to love and respect yourself.I fight that fight every day so I can relate to your posting.I just donot write about it on my blog.

jeff said...

I know nothing said really makes it better. But my first thought when I read this was this is a good thing to be fed up with all this stuff. It was for me a step in the direction to be done with it. I for one, believe you will find your way out CC. We're all here with you. love, Jeff

Chunks of Reality said...

I completely understand how you feel.

I hope you are feeling better now.

azizi said...

Hi, I have been suffering from depression since 10 years ago. I know what u going through. I feel you. I hate and tired of all this mental illness. I hate that people surround me take this thing as if we want and choose to feel this way. I hate how i feel and struggle everyday. I hate and tired of hoping that maybe tomorrow i will get better. I'm really glad that someone else experience the same pain with me, which make me feel that i'm not alone and crazy for feeling this way.

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