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A key word that you will see:

Fragmentation: a mental process where a person becomes intensely emotionally focused on one aspect of themselves, such as “I am angry” or “no one loves me,” to the point where all thoughts, feelings and behavior demonstrate this emotional state, in which, the person does not or is unable to take into account the reality of their environment, others or themselves and their resources. This is a term that my therapist and I use and is on the continuum of dissociation.

Saturday, May 9, 2009

I'm Going to the Hospital, Again!!!

There has been a lot of events in my life since the end of last year and I know many of you know it, but for those who don't quick summary :

October 2008 ~ mass removed, possible cancer, benign.

Thanksgiving/Christmas ~ family stress/with just the holidays as usual, but with triggers this time and begin to decompensate.

Jan/Feb 2008 ~ 24 day psychiatric hospitalization

March 2008 ~ not unpacked from hospitalization yet and am hospitalized 7 days for very serious pneumonia

March 2008 ~ day after I'm discharged from the hospital my father-in-law is diagnosed with terminal lung cancer, hospice in place, given one week to six months.

April 2008 ~ father-in-law not doing well has hospice nurse in home. He passes away on 4/26/09
Funeral Service ~ May 1st
Burial Service ~ May 9th

I am still recovering from pneumonia. This means I take medication that has caused me to gain 30 pounds as it increases your appetite, and retains water and salt. I am unable to fit in most of my clothing. Embarrassing moments ~ need to wear husband’s underwear as none of mine fit!!! Have tremors, mood swings, and skin growths just to name a few. But, it was either that or die.

I feel like I’ve been just barely holding it together and just need a safe place to “fall apart” and process some of what has happened. Due to the rapid nature of the events, I feel like too much happened for me to be able to recover from one event to the next. I’m feeling really overwhelmed.

I feel like I've been rapidly having more difficulties with depression, focusing, making decisions, fragmenting, ridged thinking to no thinking, staying present, feeling disconnected and on the verge of disorganizing. So, my therapist brought up hospitalization as an option.

Think, think, think….I obtained advise from my psychiatrist and the psychologist that I had during my last hospitalization. They were of no help!!! My therapist laughed because everyone was saying that it is up to me that I know myself the best and can make this decision. Sigh!!!

This week, I decided that I needed hospitalization. It was a tough decision because of my concern for my husband, who is very supportive. Also, I don’t really want another hospitalization. However, suicidal thoughts and self-harm urges are getting stronger and more consistent, so I know I’m headed for trouble. But, I am not there yet.

So, on Monday, I will have an intake/assessment for admission if I meet the criteria which I am sure that I will. Bottom line is that if you hear from me, I wasn’t hospitalized. If you don’t hear from me assume that I was admitted.


Just Be Real said...

Dear one you are in my prayers. You know you are doing the right thing! ((((safe hugs))))

Laura said...

Best of wishes to you CC. You've gone through a hell of a time. I hope the best possible decision will be made in regards to hospitalization.

Mike Golch said...

{{{{{HUGS and Prayers}}}}

Wandering Coyote said...

I'm glad you are doing what you feel you need to do and taking some positive action. Good luck! Take care.

GirlBlue said...

All the best CC, get stronger and return to us soon. Much love and hugs


Immi said...

It's good that you're doing what you need to do for you, CC. Sounds like a rough year for you so far. *hugs*

sbwrites said...

What a terribly difficult year. I hope you're doing okay. My very best wishes for a speedy recovery!


Grace said...

Thinking of you...my T has been pushing me in that direction too. I can only imagine what a difficult decision this was for you to make, but a necessary one. I'm happy to hear that your husband is supportive and and I'm glad you're getting the help you need.
Take gentle care,
~ Grace

Dr. Deb said...

You are in my thoughts.


Marj aka Thriver said...

Good Lord! That is a lot for one person to handle. I hope that being in the hospital is something that works out to be healing for you. You certainly deserve to focus on you. I'll be thinking of you and sending all the healing vibes, thoughts and prayers I can. Safe hugs ((((((((((((((CC)))))))))))))))

Maire said...

I'm thinking positive thoughts for you . . . let us know when you are feeling better . . .

- Marie (Coming Out of the Trees)

Miss Ash said...

*hugs* to you my dear!

ryan-1 said...

Hey. We're missing you. Hope you're managing somehow.


Doc said...

I just happened along by following a visitor in my stats and I find that you have been having a terrible time. I'm so sorry. You certainly deserve better than this. This may not help much, but you make me feel better by comparison. I wish you the very best and hope that you do what is best for you.

Peace, Doc

Anonymous said...

This is much later than you have posted this so I hope you are doing alright?

You did a good thing in deciding to go to the hospital on your own. I did the same thing and just called for the paramedics immediately myself as I knew I was headed for severe danger.

Take care,

Melinda said...

CC--Just thinking of you. I hope you received the card I sent you. You are always in my thoughts and prayers.



Miss Ash said...

Thinking of you...

Mike Golch said...

I hope that you are doing OK.

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