I'm Going to the Hospital, Again!!!

There has been a lot of events in my life since the end of last year and I know many of you know it, but for those who don't quick summary :

October 2008 ~ mass removed, possible cancer, benign.

Thanksgiving/Christmas ~ family stress/with just the holidays as usual, but with triggers this time and begin to decompensate.

Jan/Feb 2008 ~ 24 day psychiatric hospitalization

March 2008 ~ not unpacked from hospitalization yet and am hospitalized 7 days for very serious pneumonia

March 2008 ~ day after I'm discharged from the hospital my father-in-law is diagnosed with terminal lung cancer, hospice in place, given one week to six months.

April 2008 ~ father-in-law not doing well has hospice nurse in home. He passes away on 4/26/09
Funeral Service ~ May 1st
Burial Service ~ May 9th

I am still recovering from pneumonia. This means I take medication that has caused me to gain 30 pounds as it increases your appetite, and retains water and salt. I am unable to fit in most of my clothing. Embarrassing moments ~ need to wear husband’s underwear as none of mine fit!!! Have tremors, mood swings, and skin growths just to name a few. But, it was either that or die.

I feel like I’ve been just barely holding it together and just need a safe place to “fall apart” and process some of what has happened. Due to the rapid nature of the events, I feel like too much happened for me to be able to recover from one event to the next. I’m feeling really overwhelmed.

I feel like I've been rapidly having more difficulties with depression, focusing, making decisions, fragmenting, ridged thinking to no thinking, staying present, feeling disconnected and on the verge of disorganizing. So, my therapist brought up hospitalization as an option.

Think, think, think….I obtained advise from my psychiatrist and the psychologist that I had during my last hospitalization. They were of no help!!! My therapist laughed because everyone was saying that it is up to me that I know myself the best and can make this decision. Sigh!!!

This week, I decided that I needed hospitalization. It was a tough decision because of my concern for my husband, who is very supportive. Also, I don’t really want another hospitalization. However, suicidal thoughts and self-harm urges are getting stronger and more consistent, so I know I’m headed for trouble. But, I am not there yet.

So, on Monday, I will have an intake/assessment for admission if I meet the criteria which I am sure that I will. Bottom line is that if you hear from me, I wasn’t hospitalized. If you don’t hear from me assume that I was admitted.