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Thank you for visiting. Content MAY BE TRIGGERING ESPECIALLY FOR THOSE WHO HAVE EXPERIENCED ABUSE, STRUGGLE WITH SELF-INJURY, SUICIDE, DEPRESSION OR AN EATING DISORDER. Contains graphic descriptions of suicidal thoughts, self-injury and emotional, physical and sexual abuse. Do not read further if you are not in a safe place. If you are triggered, please reach out to your support system, a mental health professional or call 911.

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A key word that you will see:

Fragmentation: a mental process where a person becomes intensely emotionally focused on one aspect of themselves, such as “I am angry” or “no one loves me,” to the point where all thoughts, feelings and behavior demonstrate this emotional state, in which, the person does not or is unable to take into account the reality of their environment, others or themselves and their resources. This is a term that my therapist and I use and is on the continuum of dissociation.

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Pneumonia ~ Perspective Change!!

I know that some of you know and some do not, but I just spent about a week in the hospital for bilateral interstitial pneumonia. Translation: both lungs lining were inflamed. Bottom line: I was seriously ill and am still recovering. I had somewhat of a paradigm shift with this. I discovered that I really want to live. Not live life to the ultimate fullest, but to live life and really GO! Smell the Flowers!!

What became important wasn’t the piles in the house, cleaning, shopping (shhh), bills, etc… Those things are important. However, when it came down to it the important things they were God, my husband, my family, my friends, my church and my blogging friends. I was faced with thinking about my own mortality and I didn’t want to die. However, it wasn’t about being afraid of death as much as it was the people in my life. I am finding more and more that those connections are the important things in life. However, I do get caught up in the materialism and business of day to day life.......

It was both encouraging and heart-breaking to see who responded to my crisis and who did not. Who was supportive and who was no where to be found. Who focused on themselves and who focused on my well-being. Just another time to really see who your friends are...I've had lots of opportunity recently. My heart is saddened and disappointed and excited and surprised.

The "little things" are important too. I missed cuddling with my husband, just his presence, my Bible, my ability to connect to others via Internet, the feel of my husband's face, the voices of my friends, the stupid barking dog next door, the smell of chocolate and coffee, my tastebuds, good food, my bed, simply being able to breathe and not being in pain.

Also, as I lay in the hospital bed, I felt blessed to have a window so that I could see the sunrise, sunset and the flowers, to see my husband’s face everyday, to have good (not perfect) care, the nurses who talked to me with dignity and respect, those who genuinely cared and demonstrated compassion, those that supported my husband, and those that supported us with prayers and warm thoughts.

Thank you so much for your support. Just a warning that I may be sporadic as this has tired me out and I still do have pneumonia just not enough to be in the hospital. I’ve been told that it is going to be about a month to six weeks to fully recover…still on medications. I know there are different opinions out there, but I am grateful for modern medicine and glad to be home recovering. Nap time!!

For me when, it really comes down to it, the most important things are RELATIONSHIPS of all types.

5 comments:

jeff said...

i don't know what to say. i'm crying over your words. i'm trying not to say blessed. its over used, but it's the only word that comes to mind. thanks for this expression of your present. let it wash over you and the ones closest that love you for as along as it is here. they will never forget it.

Anonymous Drifter said...

It's during times of adversity when we really find out who is supporting us and who is not. The answer can often be surprising. I'm glad that you're able to rest in your own home now. Relax and take care of yourself.

Ana said...

I'm not crying like Jeff. I'm with a mixture of a little smile on my face and a tiny little wanting to let my eyes get wet.
I'm glad you are back and happy you are experiencing these things.
Be at peace.
Ana

Melinda said...

Dear CC,

It really is when we are down that we find out who are our real friends--and that can be very disappointing. However, it is also great to realize who you can really depend on.

I'm so glad you are back from the hospital and resting at home. It really does give you a new perspective when you are faced with a serious illness.

(((((((hugs)))))))

Melinda

Tamara (TC) said...

Clueless,

I have been gone far too long and missed way too much. I am so very sorry to find out that you were/and still are so sick. Spending time in the hospital is no fun and very ungrounding and frightening. It is wonderful to hear that it showed you what you missed and what you value. Know that even though I have been off spinning in my own orbit that I value you, also. For many reasons that I won't go into I walked away from abuse survivor blogging for a while. I am back though and know that this is where I want to be. I also know that my fiends I have made here while blogging matter very much to me. I am so happy to hear that you are home and recovering. Take it easy, get the prescribed rest and just be really, really good to yourself. You deserve it.

All my best,
Tamara

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