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A key word that you will see:

Fragmentation: a mental process where a person becomes intensely emotionally focused on one aspect of themselves, such as “I am angry” or “no one loves me,” to the point where all thoughts, feelings and behavior demonstrate this emotional state, in which, the person does not or is unable to take into account the reality of their environment, others or themselves and their resources. This is a term that my therapist and I use and is on the continuum of dissociation.

Thursday, July 22, 2010

Why Cry?

Why did I post yesterday's depiction of "sadness"?  In therapy, for several weeks I have been dealing with sadness and abandonment issues.  The feelings are there and have been intrusive and I find myself tearing up frequently.  In therapy, I have difficulty crying even after nineteen years of therapy with the same therapist.  Truth is that I don't want to tell myself how I really feel by crying.

I know that I'm ready; otherwise, I would not have brought it up.  We also have been talking about my "silent" crying which really isn't crying at all.  My therapist says that crying is meant to signal distress and needs to be heard...he is there to hear me.  Even though I know that he is right, I still tell him that crying alone or "silently" is enough. Well, he tells me differently...of course, it is his job. Tears just get caught in my chest or throat. 

When I cry, it makes reality more real to me instead of my fantasies that "it wasn't that bad," "I'm just being "too sensitive" and "I've already talked about it, so I don't need to anymore... and the thoughts/defenses go on.

I will get there.  I know I can!!

Don't Cry Out Loud sung by Melissa Manchester

Baby cried the day the circus came to town
'cause she didn't want parades just passin' by her
So she painted on a smile and took up with some clown
While she danced without a net upon the wire
I know a lot about 'er 'cause, you see
Baby is an awful lot like me

Don't cry out loud
Just keep it inside, learn how to hide your feelings
Fly high and proud
And if you should fall, remember you almost had it all

Baby saw that when they pulled that big top down
They left behind her dreams among the litter
The different kind of love she thought she'd found
There was nothin' left but sawdust and some glitter
But baby can't be broken 'cause you see
She had the finest teacher-that was me-I told 'er

Don't cry out loud
Just keep it inside and learn how to hide your feelings
Fly high and proud
And if you should fall, remember you almost had it all

Don't cry out loud
Just keep it inside and learn how to hide your feelings
Fly high and proud
And if you should fall, remember you almost made it

Don't cry out loud
Just keep it inside and learn how to hide your feelings
Fly high and proud
And if you should fall, remember you almost had it all


Anonymous said...

I remember that once you commented on a post of mine when I was talking about things I evade doing. And I'd like the mirror the same thing back to you - I see what you're doing.

Avoiding the reality only seems like a good idea, but in the end, it's the avoidance that makes it worse for us. Our monsters and secrets appear even bigger and more terrible when we hide them in the shadows. It's only when we face them that we see what they really are - and it is never as bad as what we imagine.

You say you're ready. Now you just have to find some trust for yourself to allow that readiness to come into being.

Anonymous said...

I'm sorry you've been feeling sad. I think I know what you mean about crying. Sometimes I go through phases where all I do is cry and phases where I cannot cry even if I try. Tears are mysterious.

Wishing you well,

Clueless said...

Hi Svasti,

What nerve...using my own words against me. :-)...I was and you are right. Being is the tough part of it...but it wouldn't be called "work" if it were easy. Take care and be good to yourself.


Thank you. I wish that I could go through the crying phases...yes, tears can be mysterious.

Shen said...

Yes - we will all get there. I've had my own struggles with crying. So much fear, so much denial...

You are working hard and I'm sure that you can see a lot of progress in that nineteen years of therapy. Sometimes its hard to remember to notice that and easy to focus on what is still left undone.

Sadness is just a feeling - hah! What a statement. It is just a feeling when it is happening to someone else, but when it's you... ah, it is so much more.

lostinamaze said...

I have also been try to deal with these issues lately. I have only cried in front of my therapist once and I had to leave the room. I can't even cry when I'm alone. But I know the tears are there.

I like your last statement, 'I will get there'

Evan said...

I do think that me avoiding things means that I'm staying stuck.

Expressing stuff for me can be a huge relief - at the time, and helps me move on too.

And I still don't find it easy to do.

Clueless said...

Hi Shen,

You put everything so well...like you took the words out of my mouth!! Thanks for the comment!!

Hi lostinamaze,

Yes, a difficult thing I think for most especially if there were undesirable outcomes to our crying when young. For years, I would not cry in front of my therapist, but in my car alone afterward.

Hi Evan,

You always put things so eloquently with much truth...thank you. On I go with encouragement from the blogsphere with people like you.

WillSpirit said...

I've never been to your site before, but you seem to be doing a great job. My take on this post is that silent crying is fine. The point is to experience our feelings. With whom or how is unimportant. If silent crying brings you in touch with your pain, then pat yourself on the back for being open to your heart. I understand the desire to open it up to others, too, and maybe that's what your therapist is driving at. But personally, I wouldn't discount the silent crying. Sounds like progress.

Clueless said...

Hi WillSpirit,

Thank you for visiting and commenting. I hope that you will comeback. Thank you for the compliments. With silent crying, I am holding back and it is important to be heard. As a child, it was quite helpful, but now it only holds me back and I get stuck...now off to visit your site.

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