PAST JOURNAL ENTRY: January 26, 2006
...I also keep remembering being startled awake by the vacuum cleaner and my mother screaming my name and for me to come help as I already was supposed to know. Sometimes, the door would come flying open and she would be constantly screaming "that I was bad, should know better, was lazy, should have been up, made too much of a mess and need to hurry and help."
The whole cleaning the house thing was such a nightmare and I was so confused, terrified and felt bad...I couldn't do anything right...everything was bad. I was bad...I made too much of a mess. I should have known more, so that I could help her better. I shouldn't have been taller and stronger. I should have gotten up earlier. I was really terrified and felt so bad and confused and frustrated that I couldn't remember or do what she wanted. The screaming at me seemed so constant.
I really felt as if I were a bad person all the time from a very young age and terrified at some level from either her, my father or step-father. And I felt so alone. It is really painful if I let myself feel some of this . I'm tired of crying, but I feel like I'm holding back my tears...felt like I did that last night with the tears getting caught in my throat and chest.
I never did cry, scream or say anything. I just waited for her to stop and just went away. It feels like I really taught myself not to make a sound, no matter how much emotional or physical pain I was in. I always felt like I did something wrong or that something really bad was going to happen if I did. Sometimes, felt like I was a bad person and deserved to die. I felt really bad on so many different levels. It is hard for me to think of my mother or step-father as abusive, in my head. I had to make it something else. I really feel like crying and like I need to hurt myself or die.
Comments and Observations: I am really numb, so I don't really have anything to say. This did continue from maybe six years old to fifteen, at least the physical part of it. I'm feeling a little sick right now. This is the last of journal entry dated January 26, 2006 in the morning.