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A key word that you will see:

Fragmentation: a mental process where a person becomes intensely emotionally focused on one aspect of themselves, such as “I am angry” or “no one loves me,” to the point where all thoughts, feelings and behavior demonstrate this emotional state, in which, the person does not or is unable to take into account the reality of their environment, others or themselves and their resources. This is a term that my therapist and I use and is on the continuum of dissociation.

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Past Journal Entry: Mother Hitting ~ Part III

**TRIGGER WARNING**   **TRIGGER WARNING**

PAST JOURNAL ENTRY ~ January 26, 2006

...And, I keep hearing her open the front door when we lived at Grandpa and Grandma's and her heels coming down the hall and seeing the door fly open and the look on her face really scared me because I'd never seen her that angry with me.  I so much wanted to hide.  Then, I keep seeing her hand coming toward my face and feel her her slapping me.  I wanted so much to scream and to cry out in pain...it hurt so much and I remember the slap pushed me to the ground.  At the time, she was yelling at me it was my fault that she was having problems with finding a job and problems with my father.  It was my fault that she even had to speak with him.  She wished that I never was born as I caused her so many problems. [I was probably about four years old]

After she slapped me and I was completely on the ground, she started to hit me with her fist on my shoulders and back...not very hard though...still I wanted to cry and scream.  I was scared to do so because she would only become more angry.  I was also afraid that someone would hear because I didn't want anyone to yell at her or get angry with her.  Then, we both pretended that nothing happened. [Continued pattern...]

After that incident, she  just stared to slap me frequently when she was angry or frustrated about anything.  I learned to listen very carefully how she opened the doors or walked.  But, I was always terrified of the door opening...not knowing for sure what would happen.  I was really confusing because, her coming home used to be a happy experience. [Her Borderline Personality Disorder in its glory.]

I also keep flashing back to her pushing me to the ground when I tried to comfort her sometimes when she was crying after talking with my father [sometimes it was okay].  I guess, I didn't read her right...she was really angry and I should have left her alone, but at the time, I didn't understand yet when it was okay to approach her and try to comfort and when she was angry and I should leave her alone.

I remember during one of the times that she pushed and then slapped me that I crawled into the corner which was close and covered my heard and she kept yelling at me about how it was my fault that she had to talk to my father and than I caused problems.  She kept slapping my head, shoulders and back, but Grandma intervened and told her to stop.  Then, my aunt came and we colored together.

Comments and Observations: At this point, we were living with my Grandparent's and aunt and uncle following the separation and subsequent divorce of my parents.  The divorce was quite nasty with many police visits, restraining orders, constant screaming, and my aunt's dog being killed after my father ran over her in a rage as he left.  I was probably 3-5 years old.  I'm having difficulty with feeling about this other than I am telling a story to you. DEFENSE.  More tomorrow.

2 comments:

NOS said...

Once again, CC, I am so sorry you had to go through this. I can only imagine how traumatic this was, especially for a four year-old. I am sending you virtual hugs.

Wishing you well,
NOS

Wanda's Wings said...

I am so sorry these terrible things happened to you.

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