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Thank you for visiting. Content MAY BE TRIGGERING ESPECIALLY FOR THOSE WHO HAVE EXPERIENCED ABUSE, STRUGGLE WITH SELF-INJURY, SUICIDE, DEPRESSION OR AN EATING DISORDER. Contains graphic descriptions of suicidal thoughts, self-injury and emotional, physical and sexual abuse. Do not read further if you are not in a safe place. If you are triggered, please reach out to your support system, a mental health professional or call 911.

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Disclaimer: Although I have worked with persons with mental illness for twenty years, I do not have a Master's Degree or a license. This is not meant to be a substitute for mental health care or treatment. Please obtain professional assistance from the resources listed on the right of the page, if needed. And call 911 if you or someone is in immediate danger.

A key word that you will see:

Fragmentation: a mental process where a person becomes intensely emotionally focused on one aspect of themselves, such as “I am angry” or “no one loves me,” to the point where all thoughts, feelings and behavior demonstrate this emotional state, in which, the person does not or is unable to take into account the reality of their environment, others or themselves and their resources. This is a term that my therapist and I use and is on the continuum of dissociation.

Monday, July 5, 2010

Past Journal Entry: Mother Hitting ~ Part I

**TRIGGER WARNING**  **TRIGGER WARNING**

Now, it is time to confuse you again especially new readers.  This blog started out the way that it has been posted for this past year with the addition of my PAST JOURNAL ENTRIES.  This was quite healing as I was able to tell my story to others and receive some feedback.  Well, I am going to start adding my PAST JOURNAL ENTRIES again with my current day comments in [brackets].  All entries are address to my therapist, Gary, and was read to him during my sessions.

PAST JOURNAL ENTRY ~ January 26, 2006

Gary,

I'm feeling really panicky and overwhelmed this morning.  I again had difficulty trying to get ready...ended up sitting on the floor in the hall tearing up.  Felt like, I didn't know what I was supposed to do.  Fells like I can't face the day...everything feels threatening and overwhelming.  Almost like I'm afraid to leave the house.  Feeling immobilized.  I took my PRNs, so hopefully that will help.  Feels like I just want to cry, wanting to bruise, cut and the suicidal thoughts are loud.   [At this point in time, I am really depressed and working full time.  It is beginning to take a toll on me.]

I haven't slept well for the past couple of nights.  Kept having nightmares and flashbacks.  Although, I only woke up a few times, I awoke in a panic, feeling trapped and like I couldn't escape and about to get slapped. [What doesn't come out during waking hours gets out somehow.  I was beginning to learn that I needed to talk with my therapist about the thoughts and flashbacks that I was having.]

Last night, when you asked if I wanted to talk about the flashbacks, I wasn't sure, but when I left one of my first thoughts was I really wanted to talk.  I get frustrated because I have to fight through so much just to feel, think or talk and sometimes, like last night, I wasn't very successful.

Last night, I felt bad about a couple of things you said.  One, was not feeling safe for Adrian [husband] to come back to bed...felt like you were telling me that I should be able to do so. The other was talking about my mother last.  I took it to mean that the stuff with my father and Gene [step-father] were not important or significant. [Borderline fragmenting.]

Comments and Observations:  This journal entry was quite lengthy, so it is broken up into five parts for the remainder of the week.

4 comments:

Evan said...

Thanks for posting such personal stuff. Looking forward to reading more of your story.

NOS said...

I'm sorry you had to go through that hard time. But look how far you've come! It's clear from your comments/observations that you have a lot of insight now. You should feel proud!

Wishing you well,
NOS

Just Be Real said...

((((CC))))
So very sorry for your struggles dear one.

Clueless said...

Just Be Real says,
((((CC))))
So very sorry for your struggles dear one.

NOS says,
I'm sorry you had to go through that hard time. But look how far you've come! It's clear from your comments/observations that you have a lot of insight now. You should feel proud!

Wishing you well,
NOS

Evan says,
Thanks for posting such personal stuff. Looking forward to reading more of your story.

I don't know why, but I click on the proper button, but it didn't post the comments. However, I did retrieve them from my email.

Thank you JBR...this was such a difficult time in my life. The flashbacks were quite deblitating. Thank you for the hug.

NOS,

Thank you for being such a faithful commenter and follower. I guess, I really do have something to be proud of. I am in a much better place than the one I was then.

Evan,

Thank you for your support. I really appreciate it. For a summary, you can click on the tab, About Me, below my header.

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