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A key word that you will see:

Fragmentation: a mental process where a person becomes intensely emotionally focused on one aspect of themselves, such as “I am angry” or “no one loves me,” to the point where all thoughts, feelings and behavior demonstrate this emotional state, in which, the person does not or is unable to take into account the reality of their environment, others or themselves and their resources. This is a term that my therapist and I use and is on the continuum of dissociation.

Thursday, July 8, 2010

Past Journal Entry: Mother Hitting ~ Part IV


PAST JOURNAL ENTRY:  January 26, 2006

...I also keep remembering the sound of her talking the ruler out of the desk drawer or the piece of wood off the window sill.  She didn't spank me very often, but when she did she was always yelling at me.  It was also embarrassing to have my underwear pulled down and felt so exposed and vulnerable.  She would hit so hard, sometimes I felt like I could pass out or vomit.  Felt so trapped.

Then, it was always painful to pull my underwear and pants up and to sit.  And, it never seemed to make sense to me...often times, I didn't even know if I didn't anything wrong...Actually, I don't think I was.  Usually we were the only ones home.  Again, I didn't cry, scream or say anything...I remember just staring at the silver knobs of the closed cabinets.  She was sooo angry and out of control.  I was afraid that he wasn't going to stop.  She kept yelling at me the whole time.  I think that she stopped when she became tired...often times, I bled. 

When I actually did do something wrong and she did discipline me, she would lecture me and raise her voice unless she was out of control.  When, I became older, she took away privileges.  And when we moved out of my Grandparents and into the duplex and later to a house, she started using a yardstick, but she would also tease or mimic spanking me with it whenever she felt like it...feel like crying now.

Comments and Observations:  I really don't feel like making any comments or observations as I feel as if I'm really disconnecting from this entry.


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