Clinically Clueless: Past Journal Entry: Mother Hitting ~ Part II

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A key word that you will see:

Fragmentation: a mental process where a person becomes intensely emotionally focused on one aspect of themselves, such as “I am angry” or “no one loves me,” to the point where all thoughts, feelings and behavior demonstrate this emotional state, in which, the person does not or is unable to take into account the reality of their environment, others or themselves and their resources. This is a term that my therapist and I use and is on the continuum of dissociation.

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

Past Journal Entry: Mother Hitting ~ Part II

**TRIGGER WARNING ** **TRIGGER WARNING**

PAST JOURNAL ENTRY ~ January 26, 2006 continued

...The last several sessions and remembering what my mother did has been extremely difficult. It is really hard for me to look at what she did. I had to make her safe and I have been really surprised by the amount of things I've said and how scared I was. She really terrified me.

Also realized that you are a safe place for me and the initially it does feel good to talk, be listened to and comforted. Also, hard to trust...keep thinking that you are going to turn on me or go away. But it does feel good to geel safe with you and comforted...I can't seem to do that for myself right now. There seems to be so much in my head...feels like I need to keep talking even if I'm repeating myself...I never said anything and no one really knew. [This was a HUGE step for me and more so to verbalize it.]

I keep hearing her yelling at me that, "I'm bad...shouldn't have been born...it is my fault...I should know better...can't do anything right...don't listen enough...you're selfish...dramatic...cause all the problems with Gene and my father...deserve to be punished...never been born... too much trouble...need too much attention...to sensitive...he could kill you...ungrateful...you're bad...and it goes on and on." Makes me feel really bad or realize how I felt like that all the time. It is so loud and constant.

Observations and Comments: Writing this post reminds me of how much verbal abuse I took and internalized. It still effects me today. I keep going back to "it wasn't that bad." Even, now I am trying to go there. More to come tomorrow.

1 comments:

Anonymous said...: I'm glad your therapist is there to listen to you. I think that's invaluable.

I'm sorry you had to go through what you went through. No one should have to endure that verbal abuse.

Wishing you well,
NOS