Flashbacks ~ Wine

**TRIGGER WARNING**  **TRIGGER WARNING**

Just when I thought that my flashbacks were behind me, I realize that to some extent that I will always have them.  Although, I had a great time at the Grease sing-along, the smell of wine triggered a slide show of memories.  I've never had wine cause this reaction.  But, I guess, I was ready to deal with the memories in the flashbacks.

My mother and step-father used to have wine in the house all the time.  When they would drink which was almost everyday, the would try to give me some.  If I refused, I was teased. Most of the time, I eventually drank some.  Then, they would tease me as I was a bit drunk, as were they.  They were unrelenting with getting me to drink.  My feelings and wishes were ignored.

When drinking, they would also become quite amorous.  Which basically included kissing, fondling and then eventually intercourse in front of me or in the bedroom with the door open.  I felt like I wasn't even there and my feelings didn't matter. Also, felt a bit abandoned.

I was/am quite angry...enraged, in fact.  I was quite confused and overwhelmed. Adding to my emotional state was this was also during the time, I was being sexually abused. I also feel kinda sick as I was only in elementary school between second and fifth grade. On Monday, I discussed this with my therapist and am working this through...I'm kind of numb which is a defense.

A Night Out ~ GREASE!!!!

I have been getting out much more recently with concert events and such.  Well, Friday, My husband and I went to the Hollywood Bowl to participate in the Grease-Sing-Along!!!  It was almost sold out, but we had great seats and lots of room. However, it was loud on the bus up there and at the movie.  I ended up fainting when we started to leave as I think I over did it with singing too much with my compromised immune system exacerbated by the crowd leaving and cigarette smoke...down I went.  I was okay, but am still trying to recover from the physical and emotional effects of the wonderful evening.  The following is a trailer (the movie was edited to make it more clean, but not the one I saw)  for the movie theater version and not for the concert arena version that I saw:

Lance Bass was two rows ahead of us and reportedly John Stamos was in the area along with many other important people in Hollywood.  I must say that my overall experience is that celebrities look so much more handsome and beautiful in person than on screen. 

I have always wanted to go to one of the sing alongs... they have also showed The Sound of Music and The Wizard of Oz, both of which I regret not seeing.  What movie would you like to participate in a sing along?

"I'm Comin' Out!!"

I "stole" this video from  Pierre le Roux's blog, Warfare: The Delightful and Dreary Sides of Gay Life.  So, I close Gay and Lesbian Pride Month 2010, with maybe a new trend of coming out!!!  Enjoy.

I Praise You!

Shawn Aaron Thomas is an "out and affirming" (openly gay) contemporary Christian worship leader, singer, and recording artist. Shawn grew up in small town Indiana as a preacher’s kid singing in church as well as local theater and school productions. Although he graduated from college with a degree in music and recording, it took over 10 years before that training and education would later become his career.

His full-time ministry began in 2003 with the release of his first religious CD/album called, “Everything I Am,” which spun two number one singles, and the album remained on Pride Christian Music’s Top 20 for over 12 months. To keep up with full time travel, in 2005, Shawn sold most everything he had and moved into a 35ft RV/motorhome with a small car in tow and a 13 year old canine navigator named Snickers. The year 2005 also marked the release of Shawn’s follow-up CD, “Changed” which received a nomination for “Outstanding New Inspirational Recording” from OutMusic.com. As touring continued, his ministry expanded to include workshop presentations featuring training on topics such as liturgical dance and reading music. The publishing company he had established years ago for his own works also expanded in concept to now encompass all of his work in music ministry and touring; thus, “Aaron’s Rainbow Project” (named after his original birth name and now his middle name) became “The Ministry of ARP”.

Cheating

I'm Still Single!!

Sorry for the poor quality of the video, but I just had to post it as it really, really made me laugh.  I can see my friends and I doing that or me with a gay man...lots of fun!!

Checking You Out!!

Confused!!!

I'm sitting here wondering how to get down what I want to write or even what I want to write.  I'm glad that I had some pre-scheduled posts for this month.  I think that I just need to ramble a bit.  I've been wanting to write about the issue of Borderline Personality Disorder abandonment both as a criteria and a factor in its formation.  I've been wanting to return to writing my past journal entries with commentary.  I've been wanting to write about my progress with my eating disorder.  I've been...  All of this thinking keeps me stuck and overwhelmed from making a decision...as it is always meant to do.

With the abandonment issue, it has been difficult as I had to look at my own issues with it especially with BPD having its roots in early abandonment by a primary caregiver.  Just Monday, my therapist and I got into a discussion/argument about whether my father abandoned me or just drifted out of my life as I like to say.  This implies that there was no intent or responsibility on his part.  I thought that I had dealt enough with my issues with my father...guess not.  (I am newly wearing make up...never really did before)  My therapist informed me during this interaction that I was having a "Tammy Faye moment."  I just really hurt and don't want to write anymore about this.

I also feel like I am abandoning a friendship that I severed ties with in 2006 because it was quite unhealthy and not reciprocal. I don't feel like giving you the details, but just believe me when I tell you that I needed to do so.  Well, she has been calling because her father passed away.  I am extremely sad about his death, but I can't reestablish a relationship with her.  She has always tried to make me her mother or therapist.  We have known each other since we were 10 years old.  However, the relationship became quite unheathy to me.  Her calls have been whiny and manipulative.  I don't mean to sound harsh, but without giving details this is where I am.

I looked back at where I stopped writing my past journal entries as it has been a while.  What I discovered is that I stopped where the intense flashbacks and repressed memories started.  Hmmmm...could it be avoidance or denial?

My eating disorder has been quite a struggle.  My weight is up and down and my triglycerides are very high and about 200 points above what it was at the beginning of last year.  I have been trying to exercise and to eat more frequently.  I am also able to fit into clothes that I couldn't last year.  Yet, I'm still depressed as I know that I am so overweight.

When I told my psychiatrist that I made dinner, he was supportive.  However, he told me that it would be better if my time was spent exercising instead of cooking.  I feel discounted and angry as this was a good step for me.

I'm also physically not feeling well.  I've had a few migraines.  And, currently have a probable urinary tract infection, some vaginal bleeding for which I went to my doctor yesterday (Tuesday) to have checked out.  Waiting for lab results.  Oh, I forgot I've had a sinus infection.  However, I had to cancel a dinner that I was really looking forward to with a friend.  It would have been my first time out to dinner with a friend in years.  I am in quite a bit of pain and yesterday the only thing that helped was to sleep.

I also want to be healthy enough or feel good enouth to go to the Grease sing-along this Friday.  I've been looking forward to this for months.

I just want to cry.  I feel all mixed up inside.

Coming Out by Pierre La Roux

For the second time, I have a guest writer Pierre le Roux who is from Pretoria, Gauteng, South Africa.  Today, he writes about his Coming Out. It is written beautifully and heartfelt. His is just one of thousands of others experience. It is written beautifully and heartfelt.

Like many of us we have our own "coming out" when we allow ourselves to be real with everyone. For me, it was to tell my family the truth of my abuse. Both are filled with trepidation, anxiety, many thoughts and what if's and some, like Pierre and myself can include estrangement from family for a time.  Today, Pierre shares an intimate process of his life of coming out to his parents.

On his blog, Warfare: The Delightful and Dreary Sides of Gay Life, his profile states, "I am the queer you either love or hate, either way my thoughts, views and opinions will keep you entertained. "

Pierre's blog states that it is about "The delightful and dreary sides of gay life. The views and experiences of a thirty something guy trying to navigate his way through life. Sometimes funny, sometimes serious, but always entertaining."   It is an excellent blog and quite well written and I follow it daily.  At times, it is serious, fun and entertaining at other times.  Either way, go take a look and see Pierre's blog, Warfare: The Delightful and Dreay Sides of Gay Life.

Coming Out

There comes a time in every gay person's life when the claustrophobia and social isolation of the proverbial pink closet becomes too much and you need to step into the sunshine as the fabulous and authentic person you are. A time when you no longer can deny your true nature and the truth needs to be revealed. This experience can be daunting, exhilarating, traumatic and cathartic. All openly gay individuals have their own unique coming out stories and this is mine.

On an autumn Sunday afternoon at the tender age of 16 I decided to step out of the closet. After Sunday lunch I decided to break the news to my utterly unprepared family. My decision to do so was threefold: Firstly, I have known that I was gay probably since the age of 6 (I kissed my first boy at that age); Secondly, I was growing tired of having to make up lies about why I do not have a steady girlfriend; and Thirdly, I no longer wanted to have to lie about the true nature of my "friendships" with certain boys.

I was considerate enough not to drop the bomb during lunch. I didn't want to spoil the meal or cause anyone to choke on their food and having the family drama spill over to the emergency room. During the washing up the words every parent fear left my lips "Mom, Dad. I am gay." It was received with a cold silence and a shocked pause. I remember my mother slowly turning around while losing her grip of a plate that shattered into pieces on the floor much like my heterosexual future she had envisaged for me. In a slow, controlled and slightly strained voice she asked me to repeat myself hoping for a different outcome. "I am gay," I hesitantly said again. The room flooded with tension, disillusioned stares where exchanged between my sister and father while my mother's eyes were burning holes through me. In her eyes, I could see the death of her imagined grandchildren and the perfect daughter-in-law. Without saying a word she left the kitchen, went to the master bedroom and sobbed behind a locked door for the remainder of the day. My father visibly distraught by my revelation later sat me down and told me that he had always suspected that I was gay. He explained that the gay lifestyle wasn't what he wanted for me, but if this is what I am he would try to accept it, but it wasn't going to be easy. My sister was fine with the fact that I am gay, apart from the sex part which "grossed her out".

The next day at school, I was unexpectedly called to the principal's office.  On arrival, I found my mother waiting for me. Being in an all boy school, my first thought was that my parents are going to pull me out of school as instead of the testosterone fuelled environment "butching" me up I still became gay. As things turned out she was fetching me to go see a psychologist. After several sessions (10 to be exact) with a slightly homophobic therapist he unenthusiastically revealed to my parents that I was indeed gay and it wasn't a phase. I remember my mother breaking down, wanting to know from the therapist what she and my dad did wrong causing me to be this way. The fears they had were also revealed: Was I going to get Aids? Am I going to start wearing woman's clothes or even get a sex change?

In retrospect, I guess I can't blame their ignorance as they never had much exposure to gay people and the stereotypes about the gay community were all they knew. After the therapist explained to them with great compassion that the majority of their fears were unfounded and that they in all probability didn't cause my homosexuality, their guilt reluctantly started to dissipate over the years to come.

Then the religious issues surfaced. How to be a good Christian and deal with your child being gay? Are you allowed to love your gay son who is condemned to hell by the Church? At this point both my parents had started to accept the fact that I am gay, but both were in denial regarding me being sexually active. You see being gay was not technically viewed as a sin, by them, as long as I didn't practice the lifestyle.

Unfortunately, my mother was yet again due for a rude awakening when she forgot something at home on her way to work. Returning home she walked in on me and my then boyfriend in the heat of passion. She almost died 20 deaths and my boyfriend was expelled from the house and remained in exile for 2 months. I am sure both my parents

spend an extra couple of hours in prayer that evening.

When I met, my now husband, I had been out of the closet for just over 5 years. Both my parents, by this time, had accepted my sexual orientation and lifestyle. They have almost come to view it as "normal" and I was no longer the source of family shame or the result of their souls' condemnation. My family welcomed my husband into our family with open arms, as he was the equivalent of the perfect "daughter-in-law", so to speak.

Unfortunately, at that time he was still in the closet to his family. After a couple of months, I ushered him out of the closet as I didn't feel comfortable dating a guy and having to lie to his parents. I gave my husband the opportunity to exit the closet on his own time and on his own terms. He came out to his family in a restaurant. Always a good idea as drama will be limited and he went with his own car for an easy exit.

After coming out and the truth about our relationship was revealed, I was banned from my husband's parents home for 3 years, but he was still allowed to see me. After 11 years, his parents too have grown to accept my husband and me for who we are and our

relationship for what it is. They now treat me like a son. It wasn't easy for them either, and like all parents I am sure their hearts were broken at first when the son they had didn't turn out to be what they had wished for.

Coming out of the closet is different for everyone. We all have different families and friends who react in different ways. Coming out is a rebirth and it can be a painful experience for all involved. Those of us who are lucky have family and friends who understand that even though we are gay and live a different lifestyle we remain the persons we were before we exited the closet. They love us just the same and wish us happiness and true love as they do everyone else. I have a lot of respect for families and friends of gay people who support their gay children and peers. They are the unsung heroes who should also be celebrated. As both my family and that of my husband have come to realize, having a gay child and brother is not the end of the world. We can still make them proud and live healthy, constructive and happy lives. This month I have been out of the closet for 16 years and am still proud, queer and here!

I don't feel very good!!

Gay and Christian?

"You're Gay!! No, I'm Not!!

Whataya Want From Me?

Three Little Maids?

Rather Have a Gay Child than a Dead Child?

Today, I have a guest writer Pierre le Roux who is from Pretoria, Gauteng, South Africa.  On his blog, Warfare: The Delightful and Dreary Sides of Gay Life, his profile states, "I am the queer you either love or hate, either way my thoughts, views and opinions will keep you entertained. "

Pierre's blog states that it is about "The delightful and dreary sides of gay life. The views and experiences of a thirty something guy trying to navigate his way through life. Sometimes funny, sometimes serious, but always entertaining."   It is an excellent blog and quite well written and I follow it daily.  At times, it is serious, fun and entertaining at other times.  Either way, go take a look and see Pierre's blog, Warfare: The Delightful and Dreay Sides of Gay Life.

This past weekend tragedy struck. I was informed early Monday morning that a friend with whom I had occasional contact committed suicide. He decided to Come Out to his parents and family on Sunday and this was not well received. He then wrote a poem and published it on Facebook expressing his anguish.  Later, Sunday evening he wrote a farewell message to all his friends, and at the age of 18 he killed himself. I am not sure exactly what transpired between him and his family that caused this heartbreak, but it begs the question all parents of gay teens should ask themselves - Would you rather have a gay child or a dead child?

Admittedly when I received this sad news I had many questions. However, I soon realized that "would haves" and "could haves" will not bring him back to life and "what if's" will not turn back the clock. Many people say that suicide is a cowardly act, but I think until you have been to the edge of despair and imprisoned in the dark cloud of hopelessness none of us can judge. Yes, I admit that I blame his parents. Their reaction and/or intolerance could have been the final catalyst that pushed him over the edge.  However, none of us know the true course of events preceding his death and the pain his parents and family must be experiencing none of us can begin to fathom. This wound will scar his family for many years to come, but let's hope something positive will emerge from this, even if it's just a lesson or a wakeup call for other families.

Sadly, suicides amongst gay teens aren't uncommon. Gay youths are 2-4 times more likely to take their own lives than their heterosexual counterparts.  There are many reasons for this but the top ranking reason is Family Rejection: Being still dependent on their families for both emotional and physical support, being rejected by their primary support structure could be devastating. The actual or imagined threat of being disowned, left homeless or being physically harmed by a family member could further discourage gay youths to reveal their sexual orientation; when they then do Come Out and any of these fears materializes the result could be fatal. Furthermore, the added stress of living in a society that is homophobic also place further stress on both the gay teen and their family and discrimination and ignorance underlies many instances where gay youths committed suicide.

On a social level gay teens also face several other challenges that could seem insurmountable. Apart from running the risk of being ostracized by their friends, becoming victims of bullying and/or hate crimes, even in their own religious community they may face discrimination that legitimizes homophobia. All these factors make the Coming Out process more treacherous and unappealing, forcing these teens to hide their sexual orientation from people around them. For those gay teens that have traits stereotypically associated with homosexuality hiding their sexual orientation becomes even more difficult and they are most at risk to fall prey to homophobic attacks and more likely to attempt suicide and succeed.

Luckily, many Gay Community Centers have been established to support gay people of all ages dealing with issues ranging from Coming Out to Mental Health Issues. In several countries there are also hotlines that can be phoned that provides free counseling and support not only for troubled gay teen but also for their families. However, like I have experienced this week for some help comes too late and who is to blame for this?

With my friend's suicide I can't help but wonder why a young man at the age of 18, about to enter the prime of his life would end it so abruptly. Yes, he may have faced some, maybe all or even more of the challenges I mentioned here. But having had access to Gay Community Centers and friends why did he not reach out and cried for help? Some would argue the poem he wrote was just that - a cry for help! Many people did see it as such and appealed for assistance which they received, yet none of it saved him. He slipped through all the proverbial cracks in what I now believe to be the flawed GLBT support structures. Maybe we have become to reliant on Community Centers to do all the work in our communities for us, maybe we have become too self-involved that a simple kind gesture of reaching out to our fellow human beings (gay and straight) have become too much of an effort, maybe we have lost our sense of empathy and humanity, just maybe all of us are to blame.

The world has lost a gentle soul. His death is a tragic one and leaves us with many  unanswered questions. Questions that may never be answered, but on their reflection might just improve each and every one of us, enlighten others, help save lives and guarantee that one person's untimely departure may leave a positive and lasting change.

Till next time...

Angry and Hurt

Again this is a comment from the same person as yesterday.  This was the last straw and was intentionally hurtful and attacking regarding my 30 years post about my eating disorder.  Again, he is just trying to get a rise out of me.  However, this one really hurt as I felt that I was being personally attacked.  I know that this maybe over reaction as this is a very sensitive issue for me.  Progress is going sloooooooow, but at least there is progress.
I still believe you spend too much time self analysing and paying others to look at you and either back up your self image or try and create a new one.

How much time do you spend making those little pictures about everything?

Get a good hobby and get stuck into it. Stop with the analysis, I really believe its not helping as its been years you have been on here yet the same issues keep on surfacing with ever increasing examination of them. Try something else as clearly the shrinks and picture making isn't delivering.

What I wanted to say, but decided to not get into the arguement that he wanted is that "Who the hell are you to make judgements about my therapy and process.  Unless you've walked in my shoes, you have no right to make such comments.  I really feel sorry for your family and God forbid that your wife or daughter are gay or end up with a mental illness."

Any and all comments welcome...I will not be deleting comments other than spam.

Angry and Fed Up!!

I know that I'm being a bit sensitive, but I received this comment regarding Gay Pride Month.  I have not posted his comments in the past as he seems to want to argue about everything that I write.  This is his comment.

"Old hat and very tired.

If groups like this want to stop discrimination then maybe, just maybe they should just lead normal lives and knock this crap on the head.


What if I organised a 'sick of seeing gay pride marches march'?

Well I'm sure I'd be called a bigot and lambasted. Yet in a true democracy you are supposed to allow each sides view with equal measure.

Its similar to the point of MOBO awards (music of black origin). What if I organised an award for only white origin?


Sick to death of these groups actually perpetuating the prejudice. Lets be honest gays and lesbians etc have been accepted for a long time and most of the prejudice is present in their head.


Time to move on and stop subjecting the rest of us to this nonsense."

I became really angry about this comment and wanted to say, "Do you know what the hell you are talking about!!!  Can we torture you and kill you for just for living in Thailand because you are British.  Oh, yes they have the same rights like they can marry!!"

All other comments are welcome...I won't delete them. Please continue threads and make comments about other comments.

Can You Be Christian & Gay? YES!!!

"Sanctus" -- Christian praise and worship song & video by Shawn Thomas

"Out in This World" ~ written and sung by Shawn Thomas

From Shawn Thomas' Website:  Shawn Aaron Thomas is an "out and affirming" (openly gay) contemporary Christian worship leader, singer, and recording artist. Shawn grew up in small town Indiana as a preacher’s kid singing in church as well as local theater and school productions. Although he graduated from college with a degree in music and recording, it took over 10 years before that training and education would later become his career.

Gay Agenda?

Who has the gay agenda of indoctrinating our children?

"He Ain't Heavy, He's My Brother "

"He Ain't Heavy, He's My Brother " by the Gay Men's Chorus of Los Angeles

Homosexuality: Facts and Sterotypes

“Drag is when a man wears everything a lesbian won’t” ~ Author Unknown

Most of the following comes from The New York Magazine:

Symmetry of homosexual brain resembles that of the opposite sex.

Gay men are more likely for their hair to whorl in a counter clockwise direction.

Gay men and straight women have increased density of finger print ridges on the thumb and pinky.

In navigational tasks and verbal fluency gay men and lesbians tend to have atypical scores.

Gay men are more likely to be left-handed.

Among white gay men they are smaller in overall stature.

Hearing acuity is more like the opposite sex for homosexuals.

The index finger of most straight men are shorter than their ring fingers, and for most women they are the same length or longer. Gay men and lesbians tend to have reversed ratios.

The second-born son is 33% more likely to be gay than the first born, and the third is 33% more likely than the second and so on.

There is a “gay sound” as a research study found that 75% of the participants picked them out correctly.

In gay men the hypothalamus, is similar in size to straight women.

There are many generalizations about gay men. For some, the only exposure to homosexuality is through the media or word-of-mouth. Unfortunately, this is how many stereotypes (often wrong) are spread. While it may fit some, it does not fit all of one type of group. Stereotyping is dangerous, can breed prejudice and hate and can really get you into awkward situations. Never assume anything, not everyone of a certain group are the same. The following information is from taking with gay men and looking at gay blogs and websites, but they are STEREOTYPES:

Gay men like Broadway show tunes.

Gay men like Divas such as Diana Ross, Bette Midler, Barbra Streisand, Elizabeth Taylor and Liza Minneli.

Gay men are more concerned with presentation and the way they look.

Gay men have a better ability to gift wrap.

Gay men enjoy the arts as leisure activity and professions (theatre, dancing, musicians, singing, writing etc…).

Gay men enjoy shopping.

Gay men often choose helping professions such as nursing, social work, therapists, teaching, etc.

Gay men have an aversion to watching most sports except for figure skating.

Gay men are more emotional.

The following information is from taking with homosexual women and at gay and lesbian blogs and websites, but they are STEREOTYPES:

They are butch.

Appear more masculine.

Go into traditionally male occupations such as construction, military, law enforcement, truck driving, etc.

Enjoy playing baseball, softball or basketball.

Man haters.

Feminists.

Short hair.

No dresses or skirts.

Tom boy.

Lesbian Stereotypes:

As I stated earlier I need to see, “what the Bible says, what my experiences are, and who I know God to be in my life and must agree with the original Greek and Hebrew and within the context of the culture in which the Bible was written for it to become my own belief. What really turned things around for me was the Biblical basis for a different solid view point that used the culture and Greek and Hebrew. Also, that trends are moving forward to looking like there is partly some genetic basis, albeit, unperfect for the time. It also matches my experience with people in my life who are homosexual.

Thank you for taking time to read my journey and hoped it helped you learn something about yourself or others and to be more compassionate to yourself and to others.

The following are the books and websites that I can remember that I used (*think differently than I do):

New American Standard Bible Translation
What the Bible Really Says About Homosexuality by Daniel A. Helminiak, Ph.D.
Jesus, the Bible and Homosexuality: Explode the Myths, Heal the Church by Jack Rogers
Gay Christian 101 by Rick Brentlinger
Pursuing Sexual Wholeness: How Jesus Heals the Homosexual by Andrew Comiskey*
The Bible and Homosexual Practice: Texts and Hermeneutics by Robert A.J. Gagnon*
Homosexuality and the Bible: Two Views by Dan O. Via and Robert A.J. Gagnon

www.sciencedaily.com
www.pnas.org*
news.oneindia.in*
sexualhealth.e-healthsource.com
www.flyfishingdevon.co.uk
en.wikipedia.org
www.conservapedia.com*
nymag.com
www.religious tolerance.org
www.league-ncr.com
ww.drakkar91.com
www2.focusonthefamily.com*
www.narth.com
www.salempress.com
www.boxturtlebulletin.com

Also, numerous people who are homosexuals and their families, church leaders and fellow Christians and non-Christians.

(There is much more information regarding gay men versus lesbian women, so this is why men who are gay have the most attention in my writing.)

“Hollywood would not exist if it were not for gay men!” ~ Elizabeth Taylor

Share any other facts or stereotypes in which you may know and what you think about them.

Homosexuality Choice?...For the Bible Tells Me So!

The following is the YouTube introduction to this video.

Is it a Choice or are we born that way? A nice cartoon about that issue.

I cut this clip from the multiple award-winning documentary, "For The Bible Tells Me So".  I purchased this video and it is excellent!!

http://www.forthebibletellsmeso.org/

Homosexuality is NOT an abomination!!

“The Bible contains six admonishments to homosexuals and 362 to heterosexuals. That doesn’t mean that God doesn’t love heterosexuals. It’s just that they need more supervision.” ~ Lynn Lavner [six admonishments are not true, but what is used against homosexuality by most Christians.]

What began my journey? For many years, my stance on homosexuality was basically to repeat back what the church told me, but something in the back of my mind couldn’t reconcile this issue. And, that was/is not my normal way of being. I also have friends and family who are homosexual and the same sex marriage issue has exploded in the United States.

I have almost always questioned everything the church has said and have had to find satisfactory answers for myself; otherwise, it does not become my faith or belief. For me, this means that several things need to agree together, such as, what the Bible says, what my experiences are, and who I know God to be in my life and must agree with the original Greek and Hebrew and within the context of the culture in which the Bible was written.

With the issue of homosexuality, it has always bothered me as to how the church approached it especially as the above statements do not sound like the character of God at all. So, for the past two years, I have been researching both sides of the argument using the internet, several books which I will list at the end and interviewing people on both sides of the argument including people who have been involved in ministries to transform homosexuals into heterosexuals.

Most of what I have found is that those who condemn homosexuality use a literal interpretation of the Bible which does not account for the word “homosexual” not being used as a word until 1892. The Greek words used in the verses against homosexuality refer to such things as rape, power differential, orgies, adultery, cultural issues, sodomy and polygamy. As a culture they did not have an “idea” of homosexuality and it was not a word that they used, it is a modern day translation. In the verses that they use sodomy and homosexuality it is generally in reference to rape or that it was against the law because it was making a man like a woman, who was subservient. Remember, the culture highly relied on a patriarchal system and wives and daughters were possessions. Male superiority had to be maintained.

According to the book Jesus, the Bible, and Homosexuality by Jack Rogers, “you shall not lie with a woman; it is an abomination (Leviticus 18:22, 20:13). The Hebrew word ‘toevah,’ translated as “abomination,” refers here to something that makes a person ritually unclean. This section of the Bible also uses toevah for such as intercourse with a woman while she is menstruating. Ritual purity was considered necessary to distinguish the Israelites from their pagan neighbors.” Matthew 15 refers to the purity of one’s heart. Matthew 5 refers to Jesus fulfilling the Law.

Rogers further states, “the sin of Sodom is mentioned several times elsewhere in the Bible, but never in connection with homosexual acts. In the Old Testament references to Sodom, the sins of wealth, indifference to the poor, general wickedness and [refusal of hospitality for travelers who were often subjected to rape if no one was hospitable. Rape was the ultimate humiliation especially for men.] In the New Testament, when Jesus referred to the sin of Sodom, as recorded in Luke 10:20 and Matthew 10:15, he was passing judgment on cities that refused hospitality to his traveling disciples. A focus on the supposed homosexual aspect of the Sodom story comes only later, in nonbiblical literature, influenced by Greek philosophy, and also in the Muslim Qur’an.”

Rogers also points out that, “the definition of ‘sodomy’ has changed over time. In the Middle Ages it referred to any form of sexual expression that was not open to procreation. Then it focused on anal intercourse. Until the twentieth century, such sexual expression was viewed as wrong and often made illegal, whether by heterosexual or homosexual couples. Then, the law was narrowed in the United States to apply only to homosexuals.” So for me, I do not see God viewing homosexuality as a sin. The Bible actually, from the original versions, do not refer to homosexuality. Also, in the more modern day translations it is a very miniscule part of the Bible.

Many of the Christian arguments against homosexuality assume that it is a choice of a life style. What I am finding is that it is a very new area of research. The “opposition” mostly, take the Bible literally, passages are taken out of context of time and culture, they don't go back to the original Hebrew or Greek and they make the assumption that it is a choice. Most of the research is finding genetic components bodily differences and brain differences. However, it is still in it’s infancy of research and research needs to become more reproducible and have a larger participant count. So, scientific evidence seems inconclusive. But, for me, after what I have seen, read, talked with homosexuals and mental health professionals, I do not believe that it is a choice. It would be like forcing a left-handed person to write right-handed. They might be able to do it, but it wouldn’t be true to who they are.

Also, if it were a choice why would anyone want to put themselves through the prejudice from others and more significantly the tremendous emotional turmoil and, at times, excruciating pain that one goes through when they are exploring their sexual identity. It is a gut wrenching process to accept oneself as being gay and every homosexual has to go through this process and if they say that they never experienced that they are either in fooling themselves or are in denial.

I want to touch more on homosexuality being a choice…Look for it tomorrow.

“I don’t think homosexuality is a choice. Society forces you to think it’s a choice, but in fact, it’s in one’s nature. The choice is whether one expresses one’s nature truthfully or spends the rest of one’s life lying about it.” ~ Marlo Thomas

This Christian Supports Gay Rights!!

“What do you mean, you ‘don’t believe in homosexuality?’ It’s not like the Easter Bunny, your belief isn’t necessary.” ~ Lea DeLaria.

This week I will be reposting some of last year's series about how as a straight Christian became a gay rights supporter. Ending Sunday where in Los Angeles is the 40th anniversary of the Gay Pride Parade. Please read my series as you will discover some interesting facts.  Regular programming will begin next Monday.


I wonder how a person who has been a Christian for almost 30 years goes from believing that the Bible says, “ homosexuality is a sin,” to being a supporter for gay rights. I can’t wait to see the post. Oh but, it is my story and I need to write it first. Actually, by this time I’ll be done. Yes, I’m crazy!! There is so much information that I could write a thesis, but posts don’t allow for that. As a result, I will be more general.

I am not your “typical” Christian, an evangelical fundamentalist Christian which is what you see most on television. What I see and hear in the media makes me very angry as I do not believe that what they do and say are part of what a Christianity is to me. They are often very judgmental, condemning and hurtful which is directly against what I believe we as Christians are called to do. (funny, I’m being judgmental by that statement) We are called to love.

Matthew 22:36-40 says, “‘Teacher, which is the great commandment in the Law?’ And He [Jesus] said to him, ‘You shall love the Lord with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind. This is the great and foremost commandment. And a second is like it, you shall love your neighbor as yourself. On these two commandments depend the whole Law and the Prophets.’” This verse is also in the old testament in Deuteronomy 6:5.

Another issue that comes to mind is that in relation to many things including homosexuality are the verses in Galatians 5:19-22. “Now the deed of the flesh are evident, which are: immorality, impurity, sensuality, idolatry, sorcery, enmities, strife, jealousy, outbursts of anger, disputes, dissensions, factions, envying, drunkenness, carousing and things like these of which I forewarn you just as those who practice such things shall not inherit the kingdom of God. But, the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law.”

What I hear and see the church do is often condemning and hateful and not fruitful. I know that the first part also is part of the reason that homosexuality is considered a sin that will cause a person not to inherit the kingdom of God. (That is also why we have Jesus…long story). I will address the issue of sin later. I just wanted to address what most people see in the media and what the Bible actually says. Please keep in mind that we are in the process of becoming more like Jesus. So, I’ve never ever had a problem with loving versus condemnation as an issue within myself.

These are some of the statements and words that I found from Christians and non-Christians in relation to homosexuality: “God hates homosexuals,” “You can't be a Christian if you are gay,” “God hates fags,” “God hates gays,” “Gays are an abomination to God,” “Gays equal AIDS,” “Fag church,” “Fags will go to hell,” “Homosexuality is evil,” “All gays should be castrated,” “I don’t believe in homosexuality,” “Homosexuality is an abomination to God,” and reference to homosexuals being demonized, diseased, disordered, degenerates, etc. So, began my journey…

Read more about my journey on tomorrow…please.

“You’ll never find peace of mind until you listen to your heart.” ~ George Michael, “Kissing a Fool”

"Desert Rose" ~ White Heart ~ Worship in Song

Desert Rose

WhiteHeart

Lost in a windswept land

In a world of shiftin’ sand

A fragile flower stands apart

There in that barren ground

You feel like the only one

Tryin’ to serve Him with all your heart

And you wonder

Wonder

Can you last much longer

This cloud you are under

Will it cover you

Desert rose

Desert rose

Don’t you worry

Don’t be lonely

Heaven knows

Heaven knows

In a dry and weary land

A flower grows

His desert rose

His desert rose

Sometimes holiness

Can seem like emptiness

When you feel the whole world’s laughin’ eyes

But if it’s a lonely day

Know you’re on the Father’s way

He will hear you when you cry

And He will hold you

Hold you

Your Father will hold you

He will love you

Love you

For the things you do

Desert rose

Desert rose

Don’t you worry

Don’t be lonely

Heaven knows

Heaven knows

In a dry and weary land

A flower grows

His desert rose

His desert rose

His desert rose

Desert rose

Don’t you worry

Don’t be lonely

Heaven knows

Heaven knows

In a dry and weary land

A flower grows

His desert rose

Desert rose

Desert rose

Don’t be lonely

Don’t be lonely

Desert rose

Oh don’t you worry

Desert rose

Don’t you know He’ll be with you

Heaven knows

Heaven knows

He will hold your troubled heart

Oh desert rose

Carrie Underwood versus Tim Hawkins

I was fishing last Friday on a lake in Mississippi in the humid summer heat

on a boat with my best friend Cletus who was sleeping in the back seat

well the bites were slow and we were running low on chips and Gatorade

it had been a long hard day

felt a tug on the line and I didn't pay attention it was spinning way to fast

before I knew it I was staring at a ten pound shiny bass

when I tried to pull the fish inside I pulled a muscle in my upper thigh

I was so scared I threw my rod up in the air

Cletus take the reel

take it from my hand

cause I can't do it on my own

I'm letting go and I need your help bad

and if you don't my fish is gone

oh Cletus take the reel

oh I'm letting go

and I need your help bad

and if you don't my fish is gone

on this boat I'm on

Cletus take the reel

oh take it take it from me

Eat Donuts Today!!!

Today in the United States is National Donut Day!!  Unfortunately, not a day off, but a recognition day for the wonderful donut.  The following is from the Holiday Insights site:

When : Always the first Friday in June

National Doughnut Day honors the Salvation Army "Lassies" of WWI. It is also used as a fund raiser for needy causes of the Salvation Army.

The original Salvation Army Doughnut was first served by Salvation Army in 1917. During WWI, Salvation Army "lassies" were sent to the front lines of Europe. These brave volunteers made home cooked foods, and provided a morale boost to the troops. Often, the doughnuts were cooked in oil inside the of the metal helmet of an American soldier. The American infantrymen were commonly called doughboys. Salvation Army lassies were the only women outside of military personnel allowed to visit the front lines. Lt. Colonel Helen Purviance is considered the Salvation Army's "first doughnut girl".

On National Doughnut Day, look to see if your local doughnut shop, or other organizations, are offering free donuts to solicit donations for the Salvation Army or for another needy cause. If you find them, please be generous.

Note: The word "Doughnut" is often shortened to "Donut. So, if you see the term National Donut Day, its the same day.

The origin of the term "Doughboy":

The term "Doughboy" was popular in referring to U.S. Army infantryman during World War I. American foot soldiers were occasionally called doughboys during the Civil War. The earliest references to the term, comes from the U.S-Mexican war.

The Origin of National Doughnut Day:

National Doughnut Day was established in 1938 by the Chicago Salvation Army to raise much-needed funds during the Great Depression, and to honor the work of World War I Salvation Army volunteers who prepared doughnuts and other foods for thousands of soldiers.

Randy's Donuts

Isn't that interesting especially where the term "doughboy" came from.  All of the pictures except for the assorted donuts are from donut places in my area in Southern California.  Donut Man's fresh peach and strawberry (pictured) are fabulous and are only made seasonally. Must be eaten with knife and fork.

Go and celebrate National Donut Day and eat a donut!!

The Donut Man

Randy's Donut's

Hungry Yet...Bye out to go eat some donuts!!

All comments and questions welcomed!!  What is your favorite donut?

Obama Declares June 2010 LGBT Pride Month

This is from the official White House site:

The White House

Office of the Press Secretary

For Immediate Release May 28, 2010

Presidential Proclamation--Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, and Transgender Pride Month

As Americans, it is our birthright that all people are created equal and deserve the same rights, privileges, and opportunities. Since our earliest days of independence, our Nation has striven to fulfill that promise. An important chapter in our great, unfinished story is the movement for fairness and equality on behalf of the lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender (LGBT) community. This month, as we recognize the immeasurable contributions of LGBT Americans, we renew our commitment to the struggle for equal rights for LGBT Americans and to ending prejudice and injustice wherever it exists.

LGBT Americans have enriched and strengthened the fabric of our national life. From business leaders and professors to athletes and first responders, LGBT individuals have achieved success and prominence in every discipline. They are our mothers and fathers, our sons and daughters, and our friends and neighbors. Across my Administration, openly LGBT employees are serving at every level. Thanks to those who came before us the brave men and women who marched, stood up to injustice, and brought change through acts of compassion or defiance we have made enormous progress and continue to strive for a more perfect union.

My Administration has advanced our journey by signing into law the Matthew Shepard and James Byrd, Jr., Hate Crimes Prevention Act, which strengthens Federal protections against crimes based on gender identity or sexual orientation. We renewed the Ryan White CARE Act, which provides life saving medical services and support to Americans living with HIV/AIDS, and finally eliminated the HIV entry ban. I also signed a Presidential Memorandum directing hospitals receiving Medicare and Medicaid funds to give LGBT patients the compassion and security they deserve in their time of need, including the ability to choose someone other than an immediate family member to visit them and make medical decisions.

In other areas, the Department of Housing and Urban Development (HUD) announced a series of proposals to ensure core housing programs are open to everyone, regardless of sexual orientation or gender identity. HUD also announced the first ever national study of discrimination against members of the LGBT community in the rental and sale of housing. Additionally, the Department of Health and Human Services has created a National Resource Center for LGBT Elders.

Much work remains to fulfill our Nation's promise of equal justice under law for LGBT Americans. That is why we must give committed gay couples the same rights and responsibilities afforded to any married couple, and repeal the Defense of Marriage Act. We must protect the rights of LGBT families by securing their adoption rights, ending employment discrimination against LGBT Americans, and ensuring Federal employees receive equal benefits. We must create safer schools so all our children may learn in a supportive environment. I am also committed to ending "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" so patriotic LGBT Americans can serve openly in our military, and I am working with the Congress and our military leadership to accomplish that goal.

As we honor the LGBT Americans who have given so much to our Nation, let us remember that if one of us is unable to realize full equality, we all fall short of our founding principles. Our Nation draws its strength from our diversity, with each of us contributing to the greater whole. By affirming these rights and values, each American benefits from the further advancement of liberty and justice for all.

NOW, THEREFORE, I, BARACK OBAMA, President of the United States of America, by virtue of the authority vested in me by the Constitution and the laws of the United States, do hereby proclaim June 2010 as Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, and Transgender Pride Month. I call upon all Americans to observe this month by fighting prejudice and discrimination in their own lives and everywhere it exists.

IN WITNESS WHEREOF, I have hereunto set my hand this twenty-eighth day of May, in the year of our Lord two thousand ten, and of the Independence of the United States of America the two hundred and thirty-fourth.

BARACK OBAMA

June is Gay and Lesbian Pride Month!!

The following is from epromos:

In June of 2000, Bill Clinton deemed the month of June, "Gay and Lesbian Pride Month." The month was chosen to remember a riot in 1969 at the Stonewall Inn in Manhattan that is thought to be the beginning of the gay liberation movement in the United States. This month is meant to recognize the impact Gay, Lesbian and Transgender individuals have had on the world. June is now the month of acceptance and the month to welcome diversity in communities regardless of sexual orientation. Gay and lesbian groups celebrate this special time with pride parades, picnics, parties, memorials for those lost from HIV and AIDS, and other group gathering events that attract thousands upon thousands of individuals. The international impact has been so influential to so many people that it makes for a perfect time for an organization to be a part of the festivities.

What are the Stonewall Riots? On June 28th 1969, the “beginning” of the gay rights movement began with the Stonewall Riots in New York City. At that time, gay bars were like the bars during prohibition, blacked out, entrance in the back and lots of raids and police harassment. On this particular night at the Stonewall Inn, a New York gay bar, they fought back against police harassment which initiated several days of rioting and began an uprising from the oppression and harassment in which homosexuals had been living.

Gay and Lesbian friendly companies make great contributions to the events that transpire during this month. They provide rainbow products, banners, and even sponsor many of the events themselves to get their name mentioned during the night. The overall exposure from this proud time makes for a perfect time for an organization to advertise with promotional rainbow items.

Borderline Personality Disorder ~ What is Emptiness?

DSM-IV-TR criteria 7 for Borderline Personality Disorder:
chronic feelings of emptiness.

What does emptiness feel like? It is described by professionals as boredom, loneliness, social alienation and apathy.  I find these definitions lacking the proper words to describe what emptiness feels like to me.  It is actually difficult to describe, but is related to self- identity difficulties.

This is very simplified. But, what is supposed to happen when you are a young child is that the primary caretaker responds to a child's needs and mirrors back the child's feelings in an appropriate manner which includes love and comfort.  As for myself, I was responded to with abandonment, aggression, abuse or ambivalence.  So, the message I received basically was hostile or abandoning which is what I do now.  I'm either full of self-hatred and/or abandon my needs.

With abandonment, as a child I am left to feel empty inside...someone please tell me who I am.  Yet, it isn't the same feeling as abandonment.  I feel like there is nothing inside of me just a hole in my gut and heart.  Like a hole in my soul. A hollowness. Distressful.

Yet, it does not seem void of feeling.  If I allow myself to feel it, it is extremely painful.  But, very difficult to describe. I do know that the words above do not fit, at all.  I am not bored, lonely, feel isolated or apathy inside. I can feel empty in a room full of people and can even be engaging with others.

As a Christian, it isn't the "God shaped hole" for Him to fill...I already know that emptiness.  Despite what other Christians think, it isn't about just letting God fill it.  It doesn't happen that way with everything. I know that the majority of it is filled with self-hatred and self-destructive.  As those layers are given up or healed in my life, my emptiness feels more real.

If I allow myself to feel empty, I feel like I'm going to die. Maybe, it is that hole that was supposed to be filled with love, comfort and care.  If that is the case and I never received it on any consistent basis than I am truly left with a hole that needs to be filled with love, comfort and care.  This time, not from the outside but within which means I need to provide this for myself.  This is what God does provide and is an example of.  It is difficult to learn how to do this for myself.

The alternative for many people including myself often leads to numerous addictions in an attempt to fill the emptiness. Addictions to eating disorders, alcohol, drugs, television, shopping, sex, busyness, work, gambling, self-injury and falling in love  are all used to fill the emptiness or to distract us from the pain.  But, they don't work...you just end up needing more to fill the emptiness again and again...they become true addictions.

So, the question remains what does emptiness feel like?  What are your thoughts, feelings and experiences?