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A key word that you will see:

Fragmentation: a mental process where a person becomes intensely emotionally focused on one aspect of themselves, such as “I am angry” or “no one loves me,” to the point where all thoughts, feelings and behavior demonstrate this emotional state, in which, the person does not or is unable to take into account the reality of their environment, others or themselves and their resources. This is a term that my therapist and I use and is on the continuum of dissociation.

Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Flashbacks ~ Wine

**TRIGGER WARNING**  **TRIGGER WARNING**

Just when I thought that my flashbacks were behind me, I realize that to some extent that I will always have them.  Although, I had a great time at the Grease sing-along, the smell of wine triggered a slide show of memories.  I've never had wine cause this reaction.  But, I guess, I was ready to deal with the memories in the flashbacks.

My mother and step-father used to have wine in the house all the time.  When they would drink which was almost everyday, the would try to give me some.  If I refused, I was teased. Most of the time, I eventually drank some.  Then, they would tease me as I was a bit drunk, as were they.  They were unrelenting with getting me to drink.  My feelings and wishes were ignored.

When drinking, they would also become quite amorous.  Which basically included kissing, fondling and then eventually intercourse in front of me or in the bedroom with the door open.  I felt like I wasn't even there and my feelings didn't matter. Also, felt a bit abandoned.

I was/am quite angry...enraged, in fact.  I was quite confused and overwhelmed. Adding to my emotional state was this was also during the time, I was being sexually abused. I also feel kinda sick as I was only in elementary school between second and fifth grade. On Monday, I discussed this with my therapist and am working this through...I'm kind of numb which is a defense.

5 comments:

NOS said...

I think what your mother and step-father did to you with the teasing, the wine, and the sex is also abuse. Emotional abuse. I am SO sorry you had to endure that, and I'm so sorry you're having flashbacks right now. But I'm glad you told your therapist so you can work through this.

Wishing you well,
NOS

Clueless said...

NOS, Thank you. Actually, it is sexual, emotional and physical abuse. I'm so tired of working though flashbacks. I know that it is how I get better.

GirlBlue said...

Nos is right what your parents did to you was emotional abuse and physical in the sense that they forced you to drink and get drunk at such a young age.

I am so sorry as well and hope that you could work through this to the point that the smell of wine does not send you back to that horrible place.

Evan said...

A friend of mine who deals with depression thinks it sucks that as you get stable then your psyche seems to think it's time for you to deal with the next stuff.

She thinks a break would be nicer. I agree - flashbacks come up and throw us into dealing with yet more stuff.

I hope you and your therapist are dealing with it well together.

Clueless said...

Hi BlueGirl,

Yes, you are right, but as my therapist pointed out...the other stuff is sexual abuse. Teasing was a constant thing. I'm am understanding more about myself.

Evan,
Thanks...I think, it sucks too. My therapist and I are working it through. He is very good at trying to slow things down if it gets to be too intense especially because I don't always see that and want to keep working.

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